September 4, 2007

Two Things That Seem Totally Unrelated. Because They Are.

1) My ears hurt. This stupid kitten, I swan. He was taken from his mother too early and dumped at the pound, and so he is psychologically BORKED. He has imprinted on me like a duckling, which is SO SWEET AND DEAR and I am for it. Except for the part where he wants to nurse on my earlobes.

My poor earlobes are puffy and red and pulsing because he s SUCH a pernicious and sneaky nurser. He waits until I am deep asleep and then creeps up and noozles his way in and winds himself like a yellow ribbon through my hair and gets himself an earlobe and NURSESNURSESNURSES until the smacky noises or a bit too much tooth action wake me, and I say, “BOGGART! YOU TURD!” and pull him off. Then he settles down in my armpit to snooze until my deep breathing and limp form tell him Operation Earlobe Sneak-Suck can recommence.

I am going to end up with 3 foot long engorged dandley freak earlobes and will have to grow my hair out very long to hide them or perhaps I will learn to roll them up and pin them behind?

2) I’m going to be at BOOKMARKS this Saturday. ANYWAY, if you live in or on or near or by Winston-Salem, come and see me.

Another author I TRULY admire will be there but. Oh Lord. The LAST (and only) time I met this author was SO HUMULIATING I think I am going to wear a big NIXON MASK over my head for most of the fest.

Here is the VERY SUBTLE RETELLING with all identities disguised.
For the sake of having a pronoun, let’s make the author I quite admire female.
For the sake of having a name that confuses the issue, let’s call this author Jeffrey Famous.
We’ll put this event at a post Book-fest party with this author in, um…OH Idaho. Because why not.
The rest of the cast consists of me and a very NEW writer, first book just out, and we’ll allow her to hide behind a pseudonym too. We’ll call her… Drunky McWriterson.

SO there I am at this party in Idaho, wondering why I felt it was necessary to put on four inch heels to go to a location where there would be 150 people and approximately 9 chairs, when Drunky comes over to me and says, “Hey! Arma GOSH! Err yoo Jorshilee Jacksoo?!!!!”

Luckily I speak drunk, so I said, “Yes, I’m Joshilyn. Nice to meet you.”

I will do a translated version of the next few things Drunky said, in case you do NOT speak drunk.

Drunky: I have stopped you here and am clutching your arm so hard it will leave bruises because I wanted to tell you that I very much enjoy your literary efforts.

Me: Thanks, Drunky, That’s so kind.

Drunky: But and however, I feel obligated to tell you that when I read the part in gods in Alabama about the chicken I did a double take. It was, in the immortal words of C&C Music Factory, a “thing that makes ya go HMMM,” and I went HMM, And so now I must ask, how screwed up was that? Huh? The thing with the chicken?”

Me: Very screwed up. I am getting help. Please excuse me.

Drunky: Is there something bad wrong with you? In the brain? Because it was really screwed up.

Me: Indeed, there is. I would love to tell you all about my medications, but I see something over there I need to go steal. It’s quite far. See you soon!

*Drunky has not released me, and at this moment, Jeffrey Famous makes the INCREDIBLY poor decision to walk past within 5 feet of us.*

DRUNKY: Holy VERYBADWORD! Holy VERYVERY BADWORDINDEED! You are JEFFREY FAMOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*Drunky, still clutching me with one rigid claw, reaches out with the other and GRABS Jeffrey Famous and YOINKS her LITERALLY off her feet. Jeffrey Famous ALMOST FALLS ALL THE WAY OVER but her progress to the ground is impeded by Drunky’s body and my other arm, which grabs and steadies her. One of her SHOES comes off, this is how hard she has been pulled.*

DRUNKY: *Hollering directly in the one-shoed Jeffrey’s face, one hand still clamped on my arm and the other holding Jeffrey by the shoulder and shaking her* OH BAD WORD!!! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! YOU ARE THE BEST! OH MY HOLY VERYVERYBADWORD! THIS IS JORSHILEE JACKSON! SHE LOVES YOU TOO SO MUCH WE ARE BOTH DYING HOLY BAD WORD WORD WORD YOU ARE JEFFREY FAMOUS WHICH I GUESS YOU KNEW BUT I DID NOT! PLEASE CAN WE GET A PICTURE WITH US ALL THREE LIKE BEST FFRIENDS YOU AND ME AND JORSHILEE BECAUSE SHE LOVES YOU! HEY YOU! TOTAL STRANGER WITH A CAMERA WHO IS PROBABLY FROM THE PRESS! PLEASE COME TAKE A PICTURE THIS IS WORDING JEFFREY FAMOUS HERE AND I LOVE JEFFREY FAMOUS AND SO DOES JORSHILEE! PLEASE TAKE OUR PICTURE.

To her credit. Jeffrey Famous manned up, put her shoe back on, and stood for the picture, forcing the kindest smile she possibly humanly could under the circumstances. I stood there with my own smile so fake and rigid I thought my FACE had died and a kindly mortician had come by and stapled my lips into an up-curve.

CLICK went the camera.

Jeffrey: It was great to meet you, but I have to go very far away now, as fast as I possibly can! Okay then! BYE!

*Jeffrey Flees*

I fled soon after, and yeah. So. I am SURE Jeffrey remembers the incident but it is my hope that she does not remember ME as being there or, indeed, existing. I am going to sneak and hide and get a PROXY person to take a copy of my Favorite Jeffrey book over to get signed. And then, should you need me to sign any copies of MY books, I will be crouched in the shrubbery. You can find me there if you don’t mind a some bugs and a little crawling.

Posted by joshilyn at September 4, 2007 7:22 AM
Comments

I betcha that if Ms. Famous has been published long enough to be, you know...Famous, that she's run into other Drunkies at other conferences and recognized the the signs and the look on your face. I bet she knew exactly what was going on and who was BadWordin' responsible for it all, so maybe y'all can commiserate and laugh about it with each other instead of you hiding in the bushes? Just a thought. :-)

We need more kitten photos!!! And maybe some bonus dangly earlobe photos.

Posted by: DebR at September 4, 2007 8:27 AM

Am I the only one who went to the Bookmarks website and tried to figure out who Ms. Famous is? Does that make me weird? Or just nosy?

Posted by: Leandra at September 4, 2007 9:38 AM

NOW I will be stuck all day with the chorus of "Do Your Ears Hang Low?" stuck in my head, for which I thank you soooooooo much, Tulip.

Can you throw them over your shoulder like a continental soldier? Just wondering!

*ducking*

Posted by: Amy-Go at September 4, 2007 10:04 AM

I had a cat who nursed on the bathroom rug! Thank goodness she never thought about my ears. Her mother threw herself under a car, so she had many issues.

I also went to find Ms. Famous. I'm nosy. I don't see anyone more famous than Ms. Jackson, though. I may be oblivious

Posted by: dynagirl at September 4, 2007 10:07 AM

At least you two will have something to laugh about, this time. A bonding moment, if you will.

I suggest ear muffs for sleeping. :)

Posted by: shannon in oregon at September 4, 2007 10:30 AM

Tp cloud the issue EVEN super more, I used SHE as a pronoun but a male name. Your MISS Famous looking may be fruitless, as he could have very well been MR Famous. Or not. Or she could have been. Or he could have been a girl. IT SHALL REMAIN A MYSTERY!

Posted by: Joshilyn at September 4, 2007 11:17 AM

Cats don't like citrus, so maybe paint your ears with lemon juice for a few nights before you go to bed?
Or, to be really sneaky, jalepeno juice?


'Boggart! You can FLY!'

Posted by: daysgoby at September 4, 2007 11:19 AM

I'm hoping it wasn't a male, because if it was I want to know what flimsy shoes he was wearing that one would fly right off. See female makes so much more sense. But I am either so out of the reading loop anymore (which I am) or none of thse people...minus Elizabeth Edwards...are more famous or...errr...a known to me than Joss.

Really I think you should print out a copy of the incident and use it as an ice breaker Saturday.

Posted by: Cele at September 4, 2007 11:40 AM

I will stall looking for the identity of the mystery famous person.

My cat, Bandit, makes kitty bread on my mamms. Can't get him to move to the arm of the chair or my shoulder. Gotta be on the mamms. And when the claws come out, he goes out.

Don't wear dangly earings to bed. Boggart would be batting them around and that'd be worse than the nursing.

Posted by: Rhonda at September 4, 2007 11:44 AM

I had a cat once who sucked on my ear lobes. She eventually adapted to just purring loudly in my ears all night. Also had a cat who sucked on his own tail. He never got over that. When he was a full grown, twenty pound cat he still would suck on his tail. Hmmm - I've had some neurotic cats.

Posted by: Cathi at September 4, 2007 12:41 PM

Do your ears hang low,
are they as big as your toe,
can you hide them with your hair
can you hide them with a bow?

Are you so very tired
Does he need a pacifier
Do your ears hang low...

Posted by: Heather Cook at September 4, 2007 1:36 PM

Well MR/MS Famous has to be one of these:

http://www.bookmarksbookfestival.org/internal/program/authors/BKMK-authors.htm

Now, I tried to search your blog for hints... so I searched the word "drunk" which, I have to say, appears 83 times on your blog...

Posted by: Heather Cook at September 4, 2007 1:42 PM

I went to the site too, and couldn't find anyone more famous than Josh, or at least in my own little world that rarely leaves the house. ;)
Have you thought about putting Boggart in a cat carrier for the night? I had to do it with my Smoochie, because he was abandoned by his mom and I didn't want the other bigger cats to hurt him or him to wander off and drown in the toilet or something. I kept the carrier on the floor right next to my bed. I still wonder if he doesn't think I'm his mama.

Posted by: Heather at September 4, 2007 4:32 PM

Okay, see, I can't give it up. I've looked at the list again and the only person I see who could be potentially Ms. Famous is Amy Sedaris. If it WAS her, she would totally see the humor in the situation I think. And she IS famous, although I think of her more in terms of tv than books.

Posted by: Leandra at September 4, 2007 4:44 PM

Oh, I don't know. Kim Edwards is famous. John Hart is famous. And Joshilyn has his audio book right now. She won't even spill to me, but my money is on Orson Scott Card. I know for a fact she owns every book he's ever written (I think that's about 30) and she genuflects when his name is spoken.

Posted by: Karen Abbott at September 4, 2007 6:55 PM

I have a cat who thinks I'm his mama, too. He and his litter mates were dumped in the garbage, rescued by a volunteer group, and we adopted him at maybe 8 weeks. He'd knead his paws on my head all night and purr. I didn't realize he was making little pinpricks in my scalp until I went to have my hair dyed and it stung like you wouldn't believe.

I will never, ever be able to figure out who's who in that story, but it made me laugh nonetheless.

Posted by: amy at September 4, 2007 10:45 PM

Thanks for the kitten story! We went to the Decatur Book Festival on Saturday and I came through to say hi and get books signed....well as soon as we left the room, my 12 year old daughter said, "Did you ask her about her kitten??" Anyway, we had a great time at the festival and hearing your talk (and interview of Frank Turner Hollon) was the highlight of the day.

Posted by: Kristin at September 4, 2007 11:45 PM

It just so happens that I LIVE in Winston-Salem and I really want to come see you! When do you get into town? I looked at the Bookmarks schedule and I'm trying to figure that out while also still possibly going to the football game (if I can scrounge a ticket that is). There's not a lot to "The Dash" but I'd be happy to let you know anything you might need to.
~Pseudo Niece Thrice Removed Emily Mitchell
(my email is emilykmitchell.07@gmail.com)

Posted by: Emily at September 5, 2007 12:45 AM

My vote is for Kim Edwards as the famous one. But what I really want to know-- who is Drunky? That's the person to watch out for. Wait a minute, it wasn't ME, was it?

Posted by: linda at September 5, 2007 6:23 AM

Aw - I love the name Boggart for a kitty. Every cat I've ever owned has taken the form of that which I fear the most.... so it's VERY apropos.

Holy VERYBADWORD! I just peed my pants a little - I'm a Winston-Salem local!!!!! I'll be out at Bookmarks on Saturday... can't wait to meet you!

Posted by: Sara at September 5, 2007 1:32 PM

It's okay, because I'm pretty sure that you're going to remember me as that girl who fangirlwordvomited all over you at the Decatur Book Festival. (I apologize for that by the way.) Aside from that, though, wasn't it fun? I really enjoyed your interview with Frank Turner Holland. I loved being around so many fellow readers and writers.

And I agree with DebR. Jeffery Famous was probably pretty quick to recogonize the signs. Perhaps she too speaks Drunk.

Posted by: Erin at September 5, 2007 5:32 PM