August 25, 2007

CONTESTIMENT!

I will be doing book things later today, but for NOW….I AM SO HAPPY TO BE SNIFFING HORSES. I think I am going to ride today, and I am SO excited. I have not thrown leg over leather since I fetched up pregnant with Miss Maisy. Also, there is an ENORMOUS silver Main Coon living here. He has two eyes (but his ears are totally BORKED, and somehow this makes him more Schubertlike in my head ). I may have to pack him and bring him home. TOTAL love match, me and this cat. His name is FRITZ, he slept on my butt last night, and I am going out as soon as I post this to carve his name in a tree and moon.

For the release of my friend Karen’s first book, I promised her I would do her a 100 things like have done in the past for various folks I really like. I even had a title. It was going to be called, “99 Non Scatalogical Things About my Friend Karen Abbott.” I sat down to write it twice the week of her release. I crapped out. Both times.

I couldn’t think of 99 non-scatological things. She’s a scatological kinda girl.

SO we spent yesterday in the Van-tastic Mom-mobile, road-tripping toward arterial strangulation via Poutine (OOOOOOOOOOOH! POUTINE! I think I ate 4,000 calories worth last night, and I if we hadn’t LICKED the platter like wolverines until it we could SEE ourselves in its shiny surface, I would be eating 4,000 calories worth MORE for breakfast…) and so we decided to do a 100 things list together, alternating back an forth, half things she knows about me, half thing I know about her.

THEN I realized it has been a LONG time since I had a CONTEST. SO here are ten random things, culled from that list.
Some are about Karen.
Some are about me.
You have to guess which is which.
Who ever gets the most right, wins.
EASY!

Email your entry to joshilyn AT joshilynjackson dot com

Note: ENTRIES IN THE COMMENTS DO NOT COUNT!!!!

PEOPLE WHO ARE MARRIED TO US OR WHO OTHERWISE KNOW THE ANSWERS SHOULD NOT HINT AT THEM IN THE COMMENTS!

If multiple folks get the same high score, we’ll put the names in a hat, pluck one, and the winner gets a signed HB copy of Sin in the Second City and signed paperbacks of gods in Alabama and Between, Georgia.

You cannot play if you are married to, related to, or RL BFF with either of us. Because you have pre-cheated by knowing us. This is for the internets: my best beloveds, Karen’s pretty friends inside the computer.

Let’s say this runs through MONDAY, so the folks who don’t read blogs on the weekend have a chance, too…

TEN THINGS

1) SHE used to have the ugliest watch on the planet. She loved it so much she called it her “woobie,” but it looked like what would happen if some bondage equipment got over on a Timex and they reproduced. It was so unwieldy that it didn’t look like she could lift her hand up. The band tore (or a merciful God tore it or caused it to be torn) or she’d be wearing it to this day.

2) SHE can dance. I mean, full-on 80s, bust-a-movin’. She can out-hammer MC and she’s so shameless about it that she somehow manages to pull off even the running man without looking ridiculous. For Christmas, she is probably going to get some of those long-crotch parachute pants. Can’t touch dis.

3) SHE owns a pair of gauchos. She knows VERY well that The Gaucho CANNOT come back and more-over, it SHOULD not. But she has them. And she WEARS them. And then she calls me on the phone and says, “I’m wearing gauchos. Are you judging me?”

4) She used to be blonde. No, REALLY. Platinum blonde with a big teased up hump of bang-splosion coming out the top. Viva la 1991!

5) SHE doesn’t give a rotten fig about any sort of activity involving a ball. All sports are simply, “a sport,” as in, “Hey guys, what are you doing? Oh YAWN, are you watching a sport?” We once went to grab a quick salad in a sports bar. She glanced up at the TV, which was showing the World Cup, and said, “Ugh! Do they seriously have golf on?” She was completely unfazed when the entire bar turned to glare at her. When a friend became excited about an upcoming sporting event in Atlanta, she asked, earnestly, “Oh, are the Braves playing the Eagles again?”

6) When someone in our writing group perpetrates a sentence that has huge structural problems, SHE will write, “This sentence is not right with the Lord,” and you KNOW that this is a sentence which must be rewritten from the ground up, if not removed entirely.

7) SHE can make a monster-good cocktail from everyday household items. She’s so talented at mixology, in fact, that she could make a Comet Windex Bleachtini and it would probably taste so great you would still be sipping it on the way to the emergency room.

8) On book tour, SHE racked up a 650 dollar cell phone bill. Her husband had a coronary, and we will all miss him. Now, if I call her cell phone at a time when happens to be at home, she will pick up the phone, and instead of saying “Hello” she will scream, “DUDE! MY MINUTES!” and hang up on me.


9) When SHE drives, she takes to the road like Mario Andretti on crack. It’s a battle to the death: she will win, she will win, she will win. All lanes are her lane. You need to move. The earth trembles, the sun turns away its face, and the little deer run deep into the forest to hide. I close my eyes and think of England.

10) When SHE drives, she doesn’t know the difference between right and left, or red and green, or gas and brake. She will put her foot on the gas and go RRRRRR forward a little fast, then put her cautious foot on the brake and TAP it back down. RRRRR, tap. RRRRR tap. If you want her to turn, you cannot say GO LEFT --- if you tell her to go left she will turn in a random direction that could be left. Or right. Or north. Or UP. You have to say “Go YOUR way.” To get her to go right, the person in the passenger seat must say, “Go MY way.” I close my eyes and think of England.

GOOD LUCK!

Posted by joshilyn at August 25, 2007 7:10 AM
Comments

I have e-mailed the entry. Good luck to me!!!!

Posted by: Roxanne at August 25, 2007 9:35 AM

I'm at a loss! I really want to play along but I have no idea - guess that's what makes it fun, huh?

Posted by: Keetha at August 25, 2007 9:43 AM

Entered! I am very shaky on some of my answers and very confident on others. Now let's see if I'm right on ANY of them!!

Posted by: DebR at August 25, 2007 9:47 AM

LOL I am totally worried... I hope I got at least a few right.. I have been reading your posts for a while now and hope I did get at least one right...

Posted by: Tina at August 25, 2007 11:18 AM

Yes, on the guessing. I used to be an analyst. Let's see how my analytical abilities do for me. ;+) From that list, you clearly are just as interesting ladies as I already knew you had to be.

BTW, Joss, you who are Queen of all things Southern and writerish, Clyde Edgerton? Is he good, or what? I read "Killer Diller" years ago and had forgotten how great it was until I saw it on eBay recently. Loved it.

Posted by: ZaZa at August 25, 2007 1:06 PM

The true answers:
(Yes, all you cheaters can thank me).

1. North Carolina
2. The letter 14.
3. Outside the window, tapping.
4. Fuschia.
5. Eggshell. Not beige; eggshell!
6. Budapest.
7. Because it woke up the dog.
8. Lewis Carroll first, and then scent of figs.
9. Checkers.
10. Old, at least fifty years.

Sorry to ruin your contest, but since I had so much inside information, I felt like I had to be fair OR SOMETHING.

*preen*

Posted by: Lydia at August 25, 2007 2:45 PM

If I was not your so RLBFTulip I could so win this. At least, I think I could. Perhaps you are FAR more mysterious than I imagine...;)

Posted by: Amy-Go at August 25, 2007 6:22 PM

Just -- thank you for amusing us on a weekend. Deep and humble thanks.

Posted by: rams at August 25, 2007 8:03 PM

Maybe I can claim the booby prize! Oh, no booby prize?

Posted by: Brigitte at August 26, 2007 7:15 AM

Lydia you are pure genius

Brigitte you can't win the booby prize unless you go to France and get it unstuck.

Posted by: Cele at August 26, 2007 11:44 AM

Cele, that was hilarious.

Joshilyn, YOU are hilarious. You and Karen must be so much fun together. Can I move back to Georgia and hang around woefully in the background, like the nerdy kid with the cool group, and pretend I am one of you?

Posted by: Laura Florand at August 26, 2007 12:15 PM

I sent my guesses off. (What a fun little contest.)

Posted by: Lisa Milton at August 26, 2007 10:11 PM

As a Damn Yankee, I must inquire. What is poutine? Does it rhyme with routine?

Posted by: Therese at August 27, 2007 11:36 AM

Sorry, should have read yesterday's entry first. Never mind! Does sound very tasty, though.

Posted by: Therese at August 27, 2007 11:39 AM