July 15, 2007

Capitalist Pig

I always say I am not a THING person.
I am an EXPERIENCE person, I say.
Historically, this has been true.

By EXPERIENCE PERSON, I mean that if I had an enormous pile of completely disposable income, I would rather spend it on plane tickets and hotels and go to Japan (and see medieval swords!!!) and Australia (and see MARSUPIALS!!!!) than get a fancy car…

But just NOW, alluvva sudden, there is all this STUFF I suddenly WANT. It’s weird. I never want things. And everything I want costs REALLY a lot. And some of it is IRRATIONAL.

For example? I am coveting a DYSON vacuum cleaner. I think it’s the memory of that British guy from the old commercials. Mr. Dyson? Whatever. He’s just so…HOT when he says, “I just want things to work properly.” It has stuck with me.

Now, in a rush of BRITOPHILIA, I find I desperately LONG to buy his vacuum. I have a friend with one, and she says it sucks up such a STARTLING and HORRIFYING amount of pet hair. She is not sure it is POSSIBLE that she actually has that much pet hair in her carpet, and suspects that somewhere in the Dyson’s bowels is a PET HAIR MANUFACTURING THING that creates pet hair out of air molecules so it LOOKS like fully ten pounds of the stuff has accumulated in the 5 days since she last ran it around the room.

If I had one, I am thinking I could vacuum up enough pet hair out of the carpet to make me a better cat than the one I have who just marched up and screamed at me---SCREAMED, like a HARPY --- that his CUSS CUSS PET FOOD DISH WAS CUSS CUSS EMPTY and when I ignored him and kept typing this, he bit my ankle.

I said I needed a Dyson to my Dyson owning friend and she ROLLED HER EYES and said, “YOU HAVE A CLEANING SERVICE! I have never once seen you vacuum ANYTHING. Do you even know how to TURN YOUR CURRENT VACUUM ON???”

So there’s that on the con side.

But still. I just like things to work properly.

Also, I want an elliptical machine because I have returned home from the beach with a butt SO enormous and rowdy that it is trying to take over and rule America. Granted, when I consider the wide and horror-inspiring field of criminals who are vying to become presidential candidates, this might be a good thing….GACK! My butt just made me say something POLITICAL! Non partisan, BUT STILL. Politics! You may now take me out back and shoot me…You see? My butt is gaining too much weighty power over me. It must be destroyed. Via an ELIPTICAL.

I thought I hated elipticals because the first time I tried to use one, it got away from me and tossed me off sideways and I ruptured myself. It felt like trying to ride the horrid mutated thing that would happen if a mechanical bull and an escalator had a baby. … but the gym I was using at the beach had this CUTE squatty looking one, and one day all the treadmills were in use, so I GINGERLY crept up onto it and paddled my feet at it while clutching fearfully at the handles.

I GOT it this time. I LOVED it. It was so GLIDEY! And VIGOROUS! And so NOT PAINFUL. I do step about 6 times a week and it wrecks havoc on my back and knees which I ruint in my girlhood by insisting on falling off horses.

This is the one the gym had that I LOVE!

Um yeah. Pretty, huh? It’s also – brace yerself Bridget – TWO FREAKIN THOUSAND THREE FREAKING HUNDRED AND NINETY-NINE COMEPLETELY FREAKIN OUT DOLLARS. And that is on MONSTER SALE….retail is over 3K.

Sara says for that amount of money, the stupid thing better be able to RUN the Dyson vacuum.I say it CAN, prolly. For that amount, it can probably also act as a pool boy and do acupuncture. Heck, it probably has a SOUL.

At any rate, I don’t HAVE a pool, so I went to Sears and test drove NORDICTRACKS today and will probably try to content my avaricious self with one of them…oh but, see the OCTANE? It WORKS PROPERLY.

And you know I just want things to work properly.

ALSO, today I SUDDENLY wanted bedroom furniture. Scott and I have been married 13 years without benefit of bedroom furniture, and it never bothered me BEFORE. We sleep in the metal under frame that came free with our mattress---no bed --- and store our socks in his gramma's dresser and my mother’s abandoned chest of drawers. Against the last wall is a blue shelf unit Scott made to hold videos. It tipped over and resting against the wall. I use it to hang my work out clothes on, as it is TIPPED too far for the shelves to be utilized. Our room is VERY VERY sad. It looks like a college DORM room. That has recently been raided by monkeys. Drunk ones. Never have I cared before. NOW! I need a hardwood cherry sleigh bed. OH YES I DO. And a dresser and wardrobe --- and understand this is a RADICAL concept for my entire house--- with THE SAME FINISH.


You see how it is? I think maybe every television ad I have ever seen started working. AT ONCE.

Still, I am not buying these things. I am just wanting to. It is SO sad. I am not even a capitalist pig...I'm a capitalist pig WANNABE.
I think I will buy JUST a small wee little Nordictrack that costs like 20% of what the Octane would cost.And a lotto ticket.

Posted by joshilyn at July 15, 2007 8:37 PM

You need to buy yourself a Prius. We have one and love it - getting almost 60 mpg. Just think, with the money you save on gas, you could buy the Octane! And the bedroom furniture, and the iPod, and everything else!

Posted by: Lynne at July 15, 2007 9:07 PM

Appease yourself with the towels. You can do that supercheap and then, because you did it supercheap, you can feel justified in buying new ones again in 6 months.

I'm with you on the Dyson. My vacuume just died and I have heard such great things about it. I was going to get a reconditioned one so I can see what all the fuss is about and still not have to sell any of my children to afford it. Wouldn't make sense - who would I use the Dyson to clean up after if I sold the children. Like a reverse Gift of the Magi but with clean floors either way.

Lastly, I am very impressed that you went to the gym on your vacation (you slipped that news right in the middle there. I would have been screaming it from the rooftops). Since you survived the eliptical, I may give it a shot next time the gym isn't too crowded. It scares me.

Posted by: Em at July 15, 2007 9:25 PM



Unless you have another multiple-pet Dyson-type-vacuum-owning friend, I believe my exact phrase was "HORRIFYING AND YET STRANGELY FASCINATING". But it is definitely also startling. And disgusting. And did I mention horrifying? I've sworn off carpets for life. Ladybug just by herself sheds a full cocker spaniel's worth of undercoat EVERY SINGLE DAY. That's one of six furry critters who share our house (not counting hubby, heh heh).

P.S. I heart Schubert. The cat. Not the composer. Okay, maybe I heart the composer too. Bah. Ask Joss about the big filthy thing. Or maybe don't. She made me spit half of it out. *sigh*

Posted by: sara at July 15, 2007 10:10 PM

but if you used the super expensive exorcist machine at the vacation gym, why is your butt trying to take over the world? i vote don't buy it -- anything that costs that much should produce instant mini butt.

Posted by: dramamama at July 15, 2007 11:01 PM

...we love our Dyson...

But Sara's right, you have to have serious bravery in your heart because it will find cat fur and dog hair from pets you only contemplated wanting, back when you were barely a tuber, and it'll suck that stuff right up and pour it into your container. And our dogs can shed enough fur to make whole houses out of. It's frightening, it truly is.

...we love our iPods too...

But we'd really love to have all the money you will undoubtedly win on your lotto ticket to be able to travel, and go to Japan and Australia, and maybe even, if we're very brave, to a little town in the South to meet a Very Favorite Author.

Posted by: Fran at July 15, 2007 11:44 PM

Please do not deny yourself the new towels! You bathe daily and trust me you don't realize how badly you need new towels until you get new towels. Really, really nice ones can be had at your local KMart, from the Martha Stewart line, for a very reasonable price(the 5-star line). I received better quality towels when I got married and the Marthas are thicker and have kept their thickness through weekly washings.
Bedroom furniture too, don't you deserve a nice place to put your socks? I really think it is something about getting **cough** older-(please don't hate me-I am there too.) It's like you wake up one morning and the front face falls off your cheap, crappy, 30 year old, mother-in-law's hand me down, dresser drawer as you are trying to put on socks. You are in a hurry, then you trip over a shoe fall on the bed hitting the wooden foot post and it breaks off sending you to the floor. NOT. FUN. It happened to me and I can tell you I went out that weekend and bought an antique cherry bedroom suite, because, like you, I JUST want things to work properly.

Posted by: Heather at July 16, 2007 12:32 AM

We have the Dyson, and a dog with looong black fur. A marriage made in heaven. Every time I vaccuum I hold up the canister full to the brim with dog fur and tell Diego (above mentioned pooch) "I can make myself another dog anytime I want, so you'd better behave!!" It brings on a very intriguing combination of satisfaction and unease to see what it sucks up from our carpet...

Posted by: Laura at July 16, 2007 1:25 AM

I have THE most compelling reason to buy a Dyson.

My 12 year old daughter LOVES TO USE IT. As in my pre-teen hormonal Drama Queen will ASK to vacuum the entire house.

I swear to God.

Posted by: Angel at July 16, 2007 2:15 AM

I have an ellipical trainer. Hint try out the one you want to buy very very very much before you buy it. All the ones in the gym I use have the foot bars working up, the one I bought is down, IT'S NOT THE SAME.

hmmm but a Dyson works properly and maybe it will suck up both my sheddy dog and my husband. hmmmmm

Posted by: Cele at July 16, 2007 2:26 AM

Heh, we used to have a cat that would bite ankles if his yowly requests were ignored.

I laughed at the "dorm room" comparison, as I just described my entire house to someone as having that look! While all my friends' houses look so . . . grown-up. But we also can only afford the lotto ticket right now (and for the foreseeable future).

Posted by: Brigitte at July 16, 2007 7:10 AM

I never had a bridal shower, and several years and two kids into my marriage, after a run of buying gifts of very nice cooking stuff off of other people's registries--people who I knew for a fact DIDN'T EVEN COOK, whereas I cooked every single day--I had sort of a breakdown in Bed, Bath, and Beyond. I bought a whole set of Calphalon pans (the low-end set, but still) to replace my mismatched falling-apart ones; I bought two lovely towels to replace the threadbare ones I bought for my first semester in a dorm (yep). Only two, because nobody else cared but me, so that was relatively cheap. Since then I've bought myself a crock pot and a griddle and a waffle iron--see, some sort of breakdown, but except for the pans, not SO much money.

I hear you on the furniture, too. We finally bought bureaus when we moved to the second house--we'd each been using our childhood ones. And we bought a dining room table, which I just stress about because kids+cat+somewhat nice furniture=stress+not-so-nice furniture anymore.

Posted by: amy at July 16, 2007 7:22 AM

My husband has recently decided that he would like to buy a bedroom set. Then he almost looked like he was going to cry when I said, "Good, then we can take your dresser (the one he grew up with) and paint it and use it for the kids when we have them." Apparently he wants the new flashy model dresser, but also doesn't want to let go of the old, life-long dresser that has never done him any wrong. Sounds like a typical guy to me.

Posted by: Jessie at July 16, 2007 8:49 AM

thanks for the chuckles!

Posted by: parrotzmom at July 16, 2007 8:51 AM

OK, I also have a cleaning service but since it's just hubby & me and the dog, she only comes every other week. So, I own a Dyson and LOVE it!!!!!

I never thought I would spend so much on a vacuum but it was worth every penny (Hint, go to Bed, Bath, & Beyond and use the 20% off coupon). I don't know how my dog still has hair because it sucks up at least a half a dog's worth (and usually a whole dog's worth) every 3 days. I think Dutch (my 1-year old German Wire Hair Pointer) invites all the neighborhood dogs in for a party every night after we go to bed. That is the only explanation I can come up with for the amount of dog hair we collect. And the dog is only allowed in 2 rooms in the house, go figure!

This is me, loving my Dyson, out on the Left Coast.

Posted by: Patti D at July 16, 2007 10:42 AM

The dancing white stripes monkey is a must - best wish list item ever.

Posted by: Lisa Milton at July 16, 2007 10:44 AM

Oh, I CRAVE a Dyson. Our cats shed twice their body weight in hair daily, and we can't ever seem to get ahead of it.

And I would totally vote for your butt for president over most of these nincompoops. For reals.

Posted by: Aimee at July 16, 2007 10:48 AM

Maybe I can help rid you of one WANT - we have 2 fish ponds (came with the house) and they are MORE WORK than a baby and a puppy put together. And not quite so cute. Although they do not poop on you. Trust me, skip the fish pond.

Posted by: Jill at July 16, 2007 11:04 AM

Yep, I have to agree with Jill. I had a fish pond out front and had to work really hard to keep critters from eating the big $20 koi fish hubby wanted. We woke up one night to two racoons literally screaming at each other and fighting over the fish from the pond.

Posted by: Therese at July 16, 2007 11:31 AM

I have felt like this lately, too. I want a teeny little iPod. I want these black shoes I saw in Walmart that make my butt look sexy, but I can't bring myself to spend $20 on them. I want carpet desperately and I want a TON of organization stuff for the house. And I want paint for the boys' bedroom and my craft room, and I want real bunks for the boys and and and....

Posted by: Heather at July 16, 2007 11:33 AM

I, like Heather, think you need to begin with the towels and bedroom furniture. After all, PEOPLE run much better on a good night's sleep, and seeing as how you're one of our favorite authors, we'd like for YOU to work properly.

I got really nice, really thick bath towels at (don't shoot me) WAL-MART. I kid you not--they could absorb an entire tub full of water I got white 'cause they make me feel so CLEAN. It's like their spa line or something. I've had them for two years and they have been bleached and they are still so nice and fluffy!

Posted by: Roxanne at July 16, 2007 11:38 AM

I, too, have been strangely wantin' lately (which is not to be confused with being strangely wanton. Sadly.) and did give in to the want of a 320 GB external hard drive. (Now I can take all the pictures I want!)

And after reading your list I had to add the Dyson to MY list! Gah!

But I have an alternative to the work-out monster: take a tap dancing class! Works great, SO much fun and you need only spend $10 on a piece of hardboard to be able to spend the time you'd normally invest on the workout machine tapping instead. And did I mention SO MUCH FUN?! (with the money you save on the nordictrack or whatever you could maybe get 2 Dysons! Or one and then take it with you to Japan as a traveling companion?)

Posted by: Femtastic at July 16, 2007 12:35 PM

You DON'T have a cunning little monkey? Gaw.
Seriously, though. The OCTANE? Want it. You have made my day just THAT MUCH DARKER because just a few minutes ago I was content with the gym's elliptical trainers, even though the stride doesn't QUITE adjust as far as it should for a shorty mcfatbutt like me, so my toes are always on the tippy edge of going to sleep the whole time I'm working out.
But the OCTANE would. Oh yes. Because it Works Properly.

Posted by: Kira at July 16, 2007 12:45 PM

I've only had my Dyson for a month and love it! I have two long haired cats and it is worth every penny I paid for it. Of course, I got mine from Woot.com and it's re-conditioned (therefore cheap compared to a brand new Dyson). I'll never own anything else!

Posted by: Michelle at July 16, 2007 1:09 PM

:::Peeks out back window:::

I have a nice elliptical trainer on my back porch you can have. Just drive on over and haul if off. If you put it in your house, it will make an attractive clothes hanger ('cause really, that's all we ever seemed to use it for...)

You have tame wants. I want 32 different motorcycles in every color they come in. I *really* need to win the lottery...

Posted by: Thumper at July 16, 2007 2:41 PM

I'm with you on the experience person thing. The hubby's a thing person, so we clash on this often.

The only new furniture we bought was after the flood a few years back (yeah, I don't recommend that as a way to redecorate), and that was also when we decided to go with no carpet since we had to rip everything out anyway. I could sweep twice a day and still not get all the cat hair . . . when I think that used to be in my carpet. . . *shudder*

The elliptical thing scares the crap out of me because I just know I'm not coordinated enough for something like that and there must be a warning on it for me specifically barring them from any responsibility if I maim myself on the darn thing.

Posted by: Michelle at July 16, 2007 2:43 PM

Typing CUNNING LITTLE in caps with squishy spacing looks very naughty.

Posted by: Sabra at July 16, 2007 2:44 PM

God, you're funny!
I love the eliptical at the gym. It actually makes me want to exercise. Me too, Dyson, me too. It's so regal and slick and full of suction. No wonder it costs almost a half a grand.

Posted by: timmi at July 16, 2007 2:56 PM

Well with that wish list, I think you should darn well buy SOMETHING. Put 'em all on pieces of paper and draw one out of a hat and buy it. (Is it wrong if I hope you draw out the paper that has "cunning monkey" on it?)

Or you could buy a puppy.
Or new shoes.
Or hey, rip out all your carpet and buy hardwood floors for your house. Then you'd no longer need the Dyson! Sure, hardwood floors would be a few thou more than the Dyson, but they'd be pretty. Especially with new bedroom furniture and a puppy.

Posted by: DebR at July 16, 2007 3:43 PM

By all means, get yourself a bedroom suit. Our bedroom, too, was a disaster. All the furniture matched but the walls had been painted three years ago and pictures had never been rehung. Everything was in good shape but had no "voice" or "pizazz." Enter my daughter in law's brother's girlfriend, Lisa, recent recipient of an interior designer degree. She needed some practice! I told her to do her thing, but keep it under $1000. She asked to take hubby's nightstand (the one he insisted we buy to match the dresser and chest) and DISTRESSED it! I thought, he's either gonna kill us or keel over dead! He loved it! She distressed a used nightstand she bought for $25 at a junk store. New comforter, wall hangings, rearranged some furniture, lots of throw pillows and voila! A new bedroom, that hubby loves and I love and it has been clean and neat for two weeks now! Also, the Schwinn Air-Dyne got banished to the basement (the black hole, know what I mean?) which meant we got rid of the clothes valet. I said all that to say this - Josh, be good to yourself and get you and your husband out of that "dorm room." You need a grown up bedroom! (Total cost of Lisa's work - $1,043. I forgave the over-spend!)

Posted by: Rhonda at July 16, 2007 4:02 PM

I dunno about the Nordictrack... see, if you buy money on something that you don't like, you are just throwing your money away! So you might as well spend the money on things that you know you'll use!

Posted by: Heather Cook at July 16, 2007 4:50 PM

Joss! You are so scrutiatingly funny! Now see, Schubert just has no idea how truly lucky he is to live with you guys, 'cause if I got cussed out and ankle-bit by my cat, I'd be more likely to chase it through the house, turning the air blue and whomping the floor entheusiastically with the wand of a 6-horsepower shop vac. Once the miscreant was sucked up into the tube, I'd reverse the hose, open the front door and bazooka that critter over to the neighbor's place for some quality playtime with their adorable Pit Bull. Okay, that's not really true. I don't even have a 6-horsepower shop vac. And my kitty is a cute, wee, out-doorsie feral type who has never once bitten me on the ankle (or anywhere else), but weaving that whole scenario and watching it in my minds eye was a hoot. Thanks for the inspiration.

Go for the towels. Big, fluffy towels are da bomb!

P.S. What's wrong with the college dorm room look? I rather fancy the hamster cage motif, myself. So cozy, y'know. ;-)

Posted by: David at July 16, 2007 7:12 PM

LOVE LOVE LOVE my Dyson- I have the purple animal one with the really cool stair accessory- which I need to use soon- and it's the bestest in the whole wide world

Have you looked around at Play It Again Sports? They may be able to locate for you an Octane that has only been used to hang clothes on-

Buy the towels- it's one of my favorite things about mornings- I hate it when the yummy towels are dirty and I have to use the old ones-

Posted by: CC at July 17, 2007 12:59 AM

Go for the ipod.

Posted by: rams at July 17, 2007 4:45 AM

Honey, you definitely need to get you some bedroom furniture! (I loved that line... "looks like a college DORM room. That has recently been raided by monkeys. Drunk ones.") And the ipod. And the next time you get a new car, get the prius. Hurry up and publish TOGWISS so I can buy it and recommend it to everyone I know, so you can get this stuff.

Posted by: jenn at July 17, 2007 4:42 PM