June 25, 2007

In Which No One Gets What They Want

Here is the chair I want. In fact I want a BUNCHA chairs like that, fun moddy-pod chairs with SPOTS, and maybe a puffy little sofa thing that goes with them and to paint my walls a funky color and have a house that doesn’t look like 12 drunken grad students and 4 goats live there in a communist heap.


This is the chair I have at present:


You see the MAIN problem with the chair I have showing us his eyeless side as he screams in ecstasy and shreds the top. Please note the stuffing coming out the side. Understand in NO uncertain terms that if I got the chair I WANT, the Clawed Devil Pirate would soon make it look EXACTLY like the chair I have, so what is the point? The wisdom of pop music has taught me that if your cat can’t NOT shred the chair you love, honey, let him shred the chair you have.

Under “why I cannot have that chair” see also: Children who are apparently one quarter Scottlike, one quarter me-like and fifty percent monkey. The big one has clambered and huffled around and broken the sofa arm so that it wobbles like a weeble and the smallest one has banged up the coffee table by LEAPING from its top onto the sofa 1 ZILLION times in her Blossom Pink wooden Hanna Andersson clogs. Those clogs make her delicate little mouse feet into DANGEROUS furniture destroying anvils. AND the dog ate holes in the throw pillows.

I learned a LONG time ago I could have a pretty house OR pets and children, and I WILLFULLY picked children and as many animals as I can con Scott into liking, and I think it is a GOOD pick, really, but…I DO love that spotty little chair. Just sayin’.

This is the laptop HE wants. I have to admit I am TEMPTED because LOOK! This particular laptop comes with “Instant fun plus!” The list of Specs SAYS so, right in the category labeled “other features.” INSTANT FUN PLUS!!!!

I think that must mean it comes with SEAMONKEYS. I am all about Sea Monkeys. But Scott says NO, it is sadly NOT free sea monkeys. It DOES come with a 1,500 dollar price tag, and the saggy old 50 pound darling we call LAPPY 2000 is still serviceably allowing us to get our email when we travel…it would pretty much be 1,500 bucks to make out of town GAMING be a leetle more smooth scrolling. That and NO SEA MONKEYS means it’s a no for now.

The dog wants an animal friend to play with. I suspect his idea of PLAYING WITH GERBILS is to suck them like lozenges until they smother, so The Ladies are off limits. We did not get The Dog I Liked because the LAPTOP WANTER did not cotton to him. I cottoned plenty. But I want a dog that Scott really LIKES, the way he likes Bagel. And Scott is WERIRD about dogs---- he fell for Bagel (aka Throw Pillow Eater) instantly. So we are waiting for the right second dog…

That leaves the Chair Shredding Pirate Cat. Yeah. The cat is SO the boss of the Bagel, and Bagel is terrified of him, and yet like a hairy island savage who worships an equally hairy volcano, the dog cannot resist circling the cat and begging for his respectful love to be even marginally returned with a slight kindness. Like “Not Removing My Nose” is a boon often asked for, and yet never given. He never learns, never; Poor Bagel asks the cat to play 300 times a day. 300 times a day the cat rebuffs him cruelly.

This CONSTANT loud and bloody courtship has caused me to sing a theme song for the dog that has grown to a good thirty or forty verses… it goes to a tune VERY similar to “Do Your Ears Hang Low,” and all the verses have about the SAME main idea – a sample verse would look like this:

Kitty, do you want to play?
Do you want to be my friend?
Can I run up in your face?
Can I sniff the other end?

Then the refrain is always:
Well, you ask him in the night and you ask him in the day,
but Doggly never does the kitty want to play…

The cat wants the dog to stop courting him. He is not getting it.

The gerbils want more cardboard tubes to shred, but Scoot keeps WILLFULLY buying CHARMIN DOUBLE ROLLS which have 50 miles of TP each, and we can’t pee fast enough to keep up with The Ladies’ tube consumption.

The children want to lie on beanbags in the cool basement eating pounds of delicious transfat and watching television, but I relentlessly run them out of the house and make them bike and swim and play with animal-friendless Poor Bagel.


And yet we are having a happy summer. Oh Yes We Are.

I think this is because we like each other, and are having a fun time together, and the wisdom of pop music has taught us ALL that while we can’t always get what we want, we will surely, OH SURELY, get what we need. Mick said so. Must be true.

Posted by joshilyn at June 25, 2007 9:48 AM

I would settle for your last paragraph. Although it is a quite wonderful chair. We are not having a fun day. This is the day of Doing Nothing Fun Even Though it is a Perfect Beach Day in order to hopefully impress upon the wild savages with whom I live that being rude and fresh and uncooperative to Mama will make for a decidedly UNFUN summer. For all of us, sadly, so I'm hoping they learn quick. They are good boys, they really are.

My husband quoted Mick to me several years before we got together and even more years before we married, and I drunkenly informed him Mick was just a skinny guy with big lips. But he's a SMART skinny guy with big lips. I know that now.

Posted by: amy at June 25, 2007 11:04 AM

Firstly: that's ROCK music teaching us the last one. Not POP. Not sure why I feel at all strongly about that, other then it would be wrong for The Rolling Stones to be categorized in anyone's "by genre" CD collection right next to Right Said Fred. Just wrong.

Secondly: it's so very hard to enjoy this lovely summer, no matter what the chair/laptop/pet/TP tube situation, when my dumb boss-people keep expecting me to come in and spend the day in the office! With them! Doing worky-stuff! Have they NO DECENCY? Sigh.

So enjoy all summer fun possible for me. Thanks.

Posted by: Femtastic at June 25, 2007 11:34 AM

Want to save your cute, mod chair, WHEN you get it? Try nail caps for your kitty (just on the front feet, so he can still teach Bagel a lesson or two.) http://www.softpaws.com/
And no, I'm not affiliated with the company. I just decided I wanted a nice couch, and kitties, too.

Now if only someone would invent something to keep furniture safe from greasy fingerprints left by toddlers and husbands. ;->

Posted by: Laura at June 25, 2007 11:39 AM

I waited until after the kids were gone, the pets were down to just pet, before I got new carpet and pretty furniture that I wasn't ever crocheting afghans to cover. It worked.

Posted by: Cele at June 25, 2007 11:44 AM

Darling! I am getting what I need! The movers are coming RIGHT NOW and I will come see your beautiful pack of goat animal children very soon. Can't wait. :)

Posted by: Mir at June 25, 2007 11:50 AM

Well- Here's my story. My kids got old enough not to destroy furniture and then a hurricane came and totally took all my old furniture out to the gulf of mexico. So I said COOL - now I can buy furniture that I LIKE instead of all the old stuff you get stuck with over time. So my friend, who is a decorator, helped me and I bought wonderful gorgeous new furniture. My house was beautiful!! For about a month. Then my daughter needed a kitten! And he wanted to claw my new leather sofa. So I tried the "soft claws" but his toes were too small and they wouldn't fit (even the kitten size). So I eventually got him declawed - I know, I know- some people think this is very cruel, but it was him or my new couch. Anyway to make a long story short since he could no longer claw my sofa- he ate it instead. There are teeth marks all along the back and top of the beautiful couch. So---- my advice - enjoy want you have and let your kids and pets enjoy it too.

Posted by: Cathi at June 25, 2007 12:07 PM

Well, I like the chair, too, except...no arms. How can you truly cuddle comfortably in an armless chair? Nothing to rest your arms on, no way to sit sideways with your feet dangling over...the arm.

In a chair like this, I'd feel like I always had to sit up straight--big problem for me!


Posted by: Becky Levine at June 25, 2007 1:12 PM

Just thought I'd let you know what you are in for since you chouse children.

My dad always said that he would never have nice stuff until my sisters and I were out of the house. So we finally all moved out and he buys some nice furniture. Then he has to move to Iowa for 2 years, so we all move back into his house. Didn't take me long at all to ruin his coffee table.

Posted by: Terri at June 25, 2007 2:08 PM

Scott's ideal laptop looks a lot like mine, except mine doesn't have the nifty fingerprint scanner, and why does he want one with a fingerprint scanner anyway? But it's cool.

I'm afraid I'm with Becky on the chair. I like arms on my chairs. But then I like big squishy chairs I can curl up in with a particularly good book, say by a much-beloved Southern author.

It's barely summer here. Yesterday the high was just about 60 degrees. It'll get warmer, but I'm loving summer up here, even with all the work stuff. Hand-churned ice cream and fresh berries and sweet tea (yes, we know Sweet Tea here, Lillian's from the South). It's going to be a lovely summer no matter what!

Posted by: Fran at June 25, 2007 3:57 PM

Oh do do do do get the chair! And if it gets worn out by miscellaneous animals and children- well then so be it! And wear out it will, because we all know 'things' just aren't made 'the way they used to be.' Think of this as a happy and good thing . . . BECAUSE someday far into the future when your chilrens' be all growed up and they are trying to organize a whole lot of photos (or discs full of photos) for some strange reason, one or the other of them will remember when they had THAT THERE CHAIR and be able to figure out what YEAR it was . . . as in that's the year we got the dogs! Oh yeah- you can get lots of furniture using this theory.

Posted by: -jean at June 25, 2007 10:38 PM

The action-shot of your psycho-kitty made me laugh out loud - thank goodness our current cat luuurves my wicker laundry hamper and is satisfied with ripping that to shreds. And the "relationship" between he and Bagel is TOO funny.

To supplement the gerbils' roll supply, you can cut the tubes from paper towels . .

And I agree with jean, get the chair for yourself if you really want it, maybe to keep by your bookshelf - as long as you promise not to plunge into a deep depression when the children and pets find it.

Posted by: Brigitte at June 26, 2007 6:57 AM

Sounds like you need a room of your own.

Posted by: Nienke at June 26, 2007 10:00 AM

My mom always told me to wait until my kids grew up to get good furniture. Well, the little buggers aren't so little, and I finally bit the big one and got leather furniture. But it all came rushing back to me when I had my son's recent graduation party and found a little person in my living room EATING A CUPCAKE on the above-mentioned furniture. Not only were we eating on it, but perhaps SMEARING ICING on it!! I had to remind myself to breathe....

Posted by: Therese at June 26, 2007 10:20 AM

Oh honey- get the chair you want and the sofa and the matching loveseat if it makes you happy. Life is too short to sit in ugly chairs-- too short to say "I wish" or "I could have" or "someday" or "if only." I have moved many many many times and each house I play a game in my rooms. I stand there and say, "If I had all the money in the world what would I do?" Then I make a list and you know what? Within a short period of time, those things that bugged me get changed- maybe not leather club chairs, but stain resistant fabric, maybe IKEA instead of Haverty's, and maybe I painted the walls instead of some fancy decorator, but the look is there and I can move on to the next space and reclaim that, make it a place I like to spend time in, something I am proud of.
There is something inherent in all creative people, and as great of a writer as you are, you should have a space that reflects your style, your charm and your zest for life... ugly chair ain't it.
I say, let's start a "Chair for Joss Fund." Just tell me where to send the check.

Posted by: linda at June 26, 2007 11:47 AM

I love that chair!
I would love it more with arms, but it is sooo pretty that i can overlook its arm-less-ness (it is too a word!)

Posted by: kim at June 26, 2007 2:24 PM

Completely unrelated, but I wanted to make you snork.


Posted by: MitMoi at June 26, 2007 10:10 PM

P.S. Isn't that the chair from "Frasier" that his dad wouldn't give up? :-)

Posted by: Brigitte at June 27, 2007 8:05 AM

We tried to buy new furniture once.
The VERY NEXT DAY, the dog chased the cat across it, so that it gained the deepest gouges you can imagine. To this day, guests in our house wonder at our subtle sense of House of Usher deco, with all the furniture that looks like someone tried to claw her way out of it.

And let's not even talk about couches. From now on, I think we will just pick up all our furniture from the roadside. It will look like that in a few days anyway.

Posted by: Laura Florand at June 27, 2007 9:02 AM

Love teh Overstock! I actually bought a chair of this design from them (~ though not with cute circles) and would recommend against it; HORRIBLE to assemble and not very comfy or sturdy.
At the same time I bought one of their "slipper" chairs (in putty, I am so boring!) A score!! Good price, super comfy, relatively easy to assemble and reasonably sturdy. Much better fabric too. They still have them in a variety of colors at $219.99. I keep mine in the relative safty of the guest room, covered in blankets. Though I just went and peeked at it to confirm I was remembering the right design, and see that SOMEONE has still managed to claw a nice ripped portion up the back corner seam. The devils! Everything "good" around here is covered in throws and slipcovers, and it still gets mangled!!

The furry dudes are just cute enough that I let them live. I know they would admire your pirate's style. Mine are more stealthy in their destruction.

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