June 19, 2007

The Cleansiest Aura of All!

While I was in Berkley getting a psychic to pick the nits out of my aura until it was Rainbow Brite ultra-spankin’ clean (Yes. Really.), back at the ranch, my son accepted a Mission from God to drive his sister bat crap crazy. He is still ON That mission, even though he has accomplished it five or nine times at LEAST since I have been home.

He needles and picks and slyly insinuates and contradicts and out-talks her until she begins to make this HORRIBLE and UNENDING shriek like “A Screaming Banshee” from those Hallmark E-cards. (For the record, My Faves = A Screaming Banshee Goes on a Date and Same Does Taxes…)

While I was in Berkley, getting my aura read (and according to my aural reader? MY relationship rose is MUCH taller than SCOTT’S relationship rose! Also BRIGHTER! And ROSIER! And spiritually? He is maybe just NOT IN THE SAME TALL BRIGHT ROSY PLACE AS ME. Just saying! Scott would like to point at that perhaps his relationship rose only LOOKED shorter and dimmer because he was all the way back in GEORGIA and really the thing is so MASSIVE and Glows with such NUCLEAR FERVOR that my psychic reader could see it all the way from Cali. Meanwhile MY blighted and pitiful posy looked tall to her because she was sitting right next to it…I think that’s crap. She was pretty CLEAR. My relationship rose > yours, babe. And if I wasn’t so spiritually mature and bright, I MIGHT be tempted to add, IN YER FACE.) my son tried this RAWTHER California ploy in the quest to make his sister make that NOISE.

Maisy: Sam! Want to play Pokeman?
Sam: No, Maisy. I can’t play SOME GAME with you. I need to go sit in the backyard and meditate.
Maisy: Can I come, too?
Sam: *looking down nose* No. A person has to be alone to meditate. Do NOT follow me.
Maisy: What’s “meditate”?
Sam: It is where you go someplace quiet without your sister and you think about a peaceful thing.
Maisy: Like what?
Sam: Like a sunset. Or a waterfall going down a mountain. Or some vegetarians eating up their tofu.

Yes. He really said that.
Yes, he was being sincere.
NO, I DID NOT take him to California with me, so HOW did he get the word MEDITATE into his vocab, much LESS tofu?

No clue.

I do use a lot of SOY protein here --- my kids LURVE the Faux-Chicken nuggets, mostly because ….let’s just say say, “Dogs don’t know it’s not bacon.” Wink wink, nudge nudge. And I may sometimes make NATURES OWN GRAIN SOY BURGER things. But I have never perpetrated tofu upon them. I would if I COULD, but I can’t make it taste like the tofu masters at Thai Fusion Restaurant. I used to try to make TOFU dishes, but….hrm. Maybe NOT. My tofu never tasted like hot, crisp-edged deliciousness PERMEATED with saucy goodness. It always tastes like a blubbery wad of tofu trying to up the snot factor in an otherwise nice stir fry.

ANYWAY, he continues on with she could not come and she wouldn’t be able to meditate anyway because she is too little and dumb and whatnot, and THANK GOD I hadn’t told HIM the relationship rose thing or I am sure he would have yoinked hers out of the spiritual plain by the roots and MEASURED it and found it wanting, and eventually he achieved his goal and that HORRID SOUND came out of her in an unending tearful GRINDING way.

I’ve only been home 48 hours and already I can feel my aura RESNARLING itself into pea green tangles and bug nests. My theme sentence for this summer: WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING TO MAKE THAT NOISE COME OUT OF YOUR SISTER, STOP DOING IT.

Second to lastly – How can I learn to READ TAROT other than reading a book about it? I am going down that road now and….yarg. I have a hard time learning via text alone – I do much better hands on. If you live in Atlanta, do you know any one day BEGINNER’S tarot workshop type thing that does not cost the EARTH?

Very lastly of all, my friend Susan sent me a link to a live journal entry about a Very Naughty Dog and some sweet potatoes. If you have or like dogs and do not mind a bit of strong language, you MUST go read this.
I DIED of laugh and charm.

Posted by joshilyn at June 19, 2007 8:09 AM

Oh my. It's been too long since I've been to the Hallmark site because I hadn't seen the Screaming Banshee cards. Funny as a greeting card. Not so funny when that sound is coming unendingly from your child's mouth. (yikes!) Since I'm not there and having to listen to it though, Sam is cracking me up. Also...if I remember correctly, isn't Sam a Pisces? Um, yeah me too (and you) and we fishies are typically the sort to absorb info on meditation and tofu from the molecules of the air around us. Just sayin'...

If you and I lived closer together we could talk Tarot. I used to read the cards pretty regularly (just for myself or occasionally for friends, not you know...as Madame "cross my palm with silver" Divinitra or anything), although I've gotten away from it a bit in the last couple of years or so.

You could try scoping out some online Tarot groups and see if there are any small local groups in your area. I met with one in Cincinnati for a while and we'd do little hands-on exercises and games that helped me learn the cards.

Also, you're a WRITER. So one thing you can do is do a small layout (that's a big key when you're first starting out, IMO, is don't try to do a huge Celtic Cross layout or something!...start with a simple three card Past/Present/Future or something...small bites) and before you look up any meanings, just LOOK at the cards, at what's going on in them, and tell yourself a little story about what you see. THEN look up some meanings and see what comes up compared to what you see.

What deck(s?) do you have? Some are easier to read than others. And what book(s?). Ditto.

I have a couple of other ideas, but this is already way long...sorry. If you want to know more, you're welcome to email or phone me.

Posted by: DebR at June 19, 2007 8:50 AM

I actually prefer strong drink to strong language. But in this case, I think that perhaps both are entirely called for and justifiable!

Posted by: Therese at June 19, 2007 8:57 AM

What's that you say? The hemp wearing, tree hugging, granola eating, psychic feminist whackos in Cali found your aura to be spiritually much more developed than mine?

Say it ain't so!

Posted by: Mr. Husband at June 19, 2007 9:10 AM

How have I not seen the screaming banshee cards before?

I am VERY MUCH looking forward to my daughter captivating Sam but fawning all over your daughter and ignoring him, for surely this is what will happen, and I might enjoy seeing Sam's brains melt just a little from the confusion therein.

Posted by: Mir at June 19, 2007 9:11 AM

Re: Tarot

The only way I know to learn them is just to use them. For ease, and since I assume this is for research, I recommend the Rider-Wait deck. It's the most consistent with the "definitive" meanings.

DebR's recommendations are good. If you stop by your local witchy/spiritual store they'll have decks and possibly classes - I've also found decks in Border's/B&N but that was up North... so I don't know if Atlanta would have the same.

The problem is there are 78 cards and it takes a while to learn them all. So a beginner class would be a ton of info. I think the trick is to learn the Major Arcana and the patterns for the suites/numbers.

I've been reading for thirteen years (for myself, friends, family, etc), so if you have any questions feel free to drop me a line.

Posted by: Autumn at June 19, 2007 9:30 AM

That's the funniest freaking thing I've ever read about dogs and sweet potatoes.

Is the Tarot research? Or were you thoroughly converted while on the West Coast? You have to be careful out there. The ocean is all BACKWARDS and whatnot. *grin* & no offense meant to the west coasters...

And I was a vegetarian for years and you need to buy the tofu that's already marinated for it to taste good in stir fry. And then I think I baked it before adding it to the stir fry, to firm it up a little. Otherwise yes, it's just blubbery curd.

Posted by: amy at June 19, 2007 9:39 AM

Tarot freaks me out. Can't have them in my house without getting the heeby-jeebies.

Wait, how can you measure your aura with plant life if you don't like nature and are all dead inside because of it? Hrm?

Posted by: Heather Cook at June 19, 2007 10:27 AM

Try the Voyager Deck. Very new agey and positive. Also very visual, so that the photo montages give you a feeling of the meaning of the card and you don't have to look up what a seven of cups represents.


Then you learn to tell stories of what all those cards together are telling you. And we know that you can do that.

Posted by: hollygee at June 19, 2007 10:48 AM

I hadn't seen the screaming banshees EITHER. Thank you for that, and for the link to the dog story, which killed me dead.

Posted by: Aimee at June 19, 2007 11:34 AM

Thank you so much for the link. That was absolutely the funniest thing I have read in some time, possibly since I have had similar conversations with The Beast.

Posted by: Jennilynn at June 19, 2007 12:04 PM

The Chickie mesmerizing Sam, that will be a sight to see.

I read this post when there was one comment. By pasted the Hallmark link, because the banshee makes my skin curdle, and went on to google about twenty aura links (because I am very interested.) Auras totally intrigue me. I live and breathe for a purple and gold aura (I think mine is mainly blue.) Years ago I did natal charts, but I've never ventured into the tarot, that is my daughter's favorite - although she reads runes too.

Good luck on the cards, I know you will share the road with us.

Posted by: Cele at June 19, 2007 12:19 PM

That sweet potato story was a hoot! But if you scroll down, there's an even funnier rant about tampons: http://littera-abactor.livejournal.com/6020.html.

Posted by: Katrina Stonoff at June 19, 2007 12:27 PM

Although the people at the Psychic Center were very NICE, straight-face keeping was a challenge for me. It was. I thought their good intentions were sincere until I was informed of my Next Step (you couldn't leave without being informed of your Next Step after your reading. God knows I tried.)

My next step was to get more FREE feminine cleansing (I'm not a douche! I just like drinking vinegar and water, OKAY?!) and to TAKE CLASSES that cost forty dollars each. Hey Joss, what was YOUR Next Step? LET ME GUESS.

Posted by: Jill at June 19, 2007 7:58 PM

Berkeley Psychic Institute!!!! Squeeee! I took classes there. There meditation program is great.

"...tofu trying to up the snot factor in an otherwise nice stir fry"
You should probably do the tofu alone. Also, crispy? Definitely alone. Even the firm version can't stand a lot of stirring around. When I make vegetarian curry, I warm the tofu in the nuker and put it in at the last minute.
*end cooking news*

Scott has a point. Hee.

Welcome home. ;+)

Posted by: ZaZa at June 19, 2007 8:10 PM


Do you mind if I borrow that and make it my theme sentence for the summer too? I have a feeling I'm going to be using it A LOT.

Posted by: TrudyJ at June 19, 2007 8:46 PM

I too read tarot, have for over 20 years now, so if you have questions, just ask. Or when you come out here to sign *not so subtle hint there* we can have an impromptu tarot workshop.

And I wanna know how Susan got our Ceilidh? Swear that's her, although we don't have sweet potatoes much here. But she SWEARS she's starving. All. The. Time.

Posted by: Fran at June 19, 2007 11:24 PM

The best thing about Screming Banshee Goes on a Date are the expressions on the face of her date. My faves are when they're first in the car and then in the movie theater. Hilarious! Thanks for letting us all in on the secret of the screaming banshee.

Posted by: Leandra at June 20, 2007 6:19 AM

Too funny!! Thanks for the livejournal link too. THAT was hysterical. I can relate, since I have five starving dogs of my own. ;)

Posted by: Cheryl at June 20, 2007 9:49 AM

Great post, Joss! ROFLMAO over the dog and the sweet potatoe. = )

Mr. Husband: Dude! You SO rock! *big thumbs up, and still laughing*

Posted by: David at June 20, 2007 5:46 PM

online xanax money

Posted by: xanax money online at June 28, 2007 10:31 PM