June 6, 2007

The New + 1 in my Ongoing Algebraic Pet Logic

Mr. Husband has a theory that my ideal number of pets is X +1, where X is the number of pets we have NOW, and one is a pet I have a crush on. I think that’s crap. I am perfectly happy with X where X is Bagel-the-dog, Schubert-the-cat, and the Gerbil Quad of Tennyson, Alice, Snickers and Cosy Mole Mouse. *I* do not want any more pets. At All.


I REALLY do think, REALLY, in theory and out of no personal desires of my OWN or anything, that dogs are pack animals and it is SAD to have one dog. Sad for the DOG. Not ME. Think of THE DOG!

ALSO, Bagel is a BIG DOG for Maisy. She can’t walk him even though, after his classes, he has 95% impeccable leash manners. He is STILL a puppy, really, and he outweighs her by a good 15 pounds, and sometimes RABBITSES happen in our neighborhood and on the trail where we hike. Bagel cannot be expected to not pull her over and drag her and kill her if RABBITSES happen, now can he? So we need a second dog for MAISY. NOT ME. MAISY!!!

Also, Bagel is YARDY. He likes the house and all, but he asks to go out quite a bit because we have a big fenced yard with dogs on either side, and he goes out and talks on the bark-phone with them and races around peering into the woods and eating the siding off the wall. HEH. Also, he LOVES to sack out for his afternoon nap on the bright sunny deck until he has that GOOD warm-furred COOKED DOG smell.

I think he would stay in more if he had a dog friend inside, and I LIKE a dog in the house. I work from home, and I like little heartbeats filling the airspace and making me cheerful----wait. That made it sound like *I* want a second dog when REALLY! NO! it is about …um…Oh RIGHT! WHAT IS GOOD FOR BAGEL! AND MAISY! AND AMERICA! And also LOOK AT THIS FACE!

I think he is perfectly charming. I showed him to Maisy but she was not QUITE convinced.

Me: Do you like him?
Maisy: *suspicious* Is he a girl?
Me: No.
Her: *even more suspicious* Is he at least a poodle?
Me: Well… he isn’t exactly a poodle.
Her: But I wanted a teeny girl poodle who is pink.
Me: Bunny, I’m not sure poodles COME in pink, but this dog is as JUST as teeny as a medium-ish poodle, and BOYS are nice, too. Your friend COLBY is a boy, and you like Colby.
Her: Can we COLOR him pink?
Me: Um. No.
Her: Well, then I will have to FINK about him.

I am finking about him too. He is coming over for a meet and greet with Bagel (not me) and Maisy (CERTAINLY NOT ME) on Thursday. Because this is what is GOOD FOR AMERICA!

Once he has moved in, it will be time to say, OH NO! WHY DID WE GET THIS DOG! NOW WE ARE CRAMPED! WE NEEDMORE ROOM FOR ALL THESE ANIMALS! Then I can tricksily move my family to a HUGE goat farm in Fairhope, Alabama and one by one add 9 miniature goats. And an African hedgehog that I will name Pigling Bland. And then a Cunning Little Pony! AND THEN SOME PEACOCKS!!!!

Did I say that out loud?

Posted by joshilyn at June 6, 2007 12:04 PM

You did say it outloud.

God bless your American loving heart, and the menagerie you are conjuring up. I mean, your just looking out for the rest of us.

I look forward to the peacock pictures.

Posted by: Lisa Milton at June 6, 2007 12:23 PM

It's Good For America if you are happy, because then you will write more books.
Ok, so really that's only good for ME. But hey, I live in America, so it should count, shouldnt it?

And that dog is adorable. Really really adorable!

Posted by: dee at June 6, 2007 12:30 PM

You are too funny! My husband and I have already named our future mule "Rastus Magillicuddy". And goats! OH! I've always wanted a goat. Will you please, oh please open up a petting zoo on your farm. I simply must meet an African hedgehog named Pigling Bland.

And that dog looks like he really needs a friend. THINK OF THE DOG!!

Posted by: Leandra at June 6, 2007 12:39 PM

Still laughing.

Otto wants a tractor for the new house. I suggested a few goats instead. He is unmoved. Hmph.

Posted by: Mir at June 6, 2007 1:23 PM

You crack me up, Pretty Tulip!

And he looks adorable.

Posted by: Beth at June 6, 2007 1:46 PM

Yay for anything that moves you to Fairhope!

I have tried to convince my own [bull-headed] fiance that of COURSE we need another dog for our 130 pound puppy to play with because he is soooooooo bored and sad and gives us puppy eyes ALL THE TIME and does HE want to be the cause of a sad puppy? That is VERY CLOSE to being a puppy kicker. And he can go to Hell for that.

Thus far, not working. Would appreciate insider info on how you manage it if Bagel gets a friend.

Posted by: Casey at June 6, 2007 1:49 PM

Yes, Bagel needs a friend. All dogs need a dog. No question about it.
Tell Maisy she can color the new dog pink. Obviously, the new dog is a beagle & beagles are fabulous and mellow and accomodating and he will definitely allow Maisy to color him pink. My daughter colors our black labs with chalk--making them tigers or zebras or just plain pink.

Posted by: Nancy at June 6, 2007 2:11 PM

Don't forget the parrot!
If you have all that room, you might even be able to get a few parrots....and some love birds....and maybe a white owl, like the one in Harry Potter (whose name escapes me right now....)

Posted by: kim at June 6, 2007 3:05 PM

I'm with Maisy on this one - Pink is a wonderful color for a dog! However, the dog in the picture isn't nearly prissy enough to be pink and still looks a bit large for Maisy to walk- but maybe the picture is deceiving and it is really just a little bitty prissy male dog. It really is no more trouble to have two dogs than it is to have one. Except that sometimes it is harder to know which one to blame.

Posted by: Cathi at June 6, 2007 3:21 PM

#1) We have a 5 year old pug who used to have a dogfriend until the dogfriend went to go live on a farm. Ahem. The pug was always very healthy until she lost her friend, then she started getting sick all the time - eye, ear and skin infections almost nonstop. 4 months ago we got a brand new puppy and since then the pug has had only one eye infection and no other illnesses. She has lost 4 pounds and is silky soft and radiantly happy.

#2) Two dogs are WAY MORE WORK than one. Way.

Posted by: jerajenn at June 6, 2007 4:19 PM

Don't like peacocks. Horrific cries and big, messy poops. How about a miniature Jersey cow? Yes, yes. 36" tall. 3 gallon of milk a day -- so much easier than the 20 gallons of regular sized one. And so cute:

Posted by: hollygee at June 6, 2007 4:53 PM

i like the little purplish-blue pony that trots along beside the woman in the weird abraham lincoln/beaver/spaceman sleeping pill commercials. (much better than the giant glowing moth/butterfly sleeping pill commercials.) get one of those crazy ponies and you'll be set!

Posted by: dramamama at June 6, 2007 5:24 PM

I was right there with you until you got to the peacocks. Have you HEARD peacocks scream?? (shudder)

I'm still there with you on the dog. All primary dogs NEED a secondary dog to feel all pack-like and that one looks adorable. Maybe Maisy could settle for a pink collar and leash for NewDog. If you keep him, are you going to name him Lox?

Posted by: DebR at June 6, 2007 10:37 PM

Dogs need company, I firmly believe that. My Dante pines if he doesn't have a friend, and when the Irish wolfhound died, Dante pined for weeks. It was awful. Whenever we had nature channel programs with puppies on, he'd stare at the TV and whine.

We finally got him the Moose. Okay, Ceilidh isn't a REAL moose, but she has a moose-like nose, and moose-like grace. And Dante's much happer.

And both dogs fret and fuss if they don't have cats in the house. There's barely room for US in the house now, but the pets are happy.

But I'm with DebR and Hollygee. Peacocks are loud and difficult and not the best pets. They will scare Maisy badly, and you won't get to work. Honest, Peach!

Posted by: Fran at June 7, 2007 1:18 AM

Yay for goats! I *heart* goats, had a few growing up. They do not do a good job and keeping grass mowed. They do, however, do a great job at eating all your watermelons before they are ripe.

Peacocks are LOUD. Gorgeous, but LOUD. I do a pretty good peacock impression LOL.

CUUUUUUTE dog. Maybe Maisy would be satisfied with a pink collar?

Posted by: Angel at June 7, 2007 1:54 AM

Mini Cows, HollyGee? That's what I ALWAYS think about when I see the "mini moo" creamers at the restaurants, now I'll have to go to that website and see the real thing!

That doggie looks like he'd be the voice of experienced wisdom for Bagel, and he NEEDS that.

Posted by: Brigitte at June 7, 2007 6:30 AM

I think Scott should consider himself lucky. I do this but with children. Have 3 but think one more might be good for America. Of course now, thanks to your comments, I also want a mini cow. That would really help with all of these children.

I have to say, that dog looks very thoughtful. He looks like the kind of dog that would bring you slippers out of the goodness of his heart or lay over a spot in the carpet when company came over. He looks like he is sitting there on the steps just trying to conjure ways to make your life better.

I think America needs you to have that dog. Or a mini cow.

Posted by: Em at June 7, 2007 7:19 AM

"Bark Phone" is quite possibly the funniest thing I've heard in awhile. And I'm wondering if I should get a calling card for my dog.

Posted by: Lisa at June 7, 2007 8:09 AM

*shudder* I saw a dyed-pink poodle once. I still haven't recovered. SO VERY WRONG. It looked like cotton candy with feet.

That dog is awfully cute! I'm surprised, though, that this post wasn't about a grey parrot.

Posted by: Aimee at June 7, 2007 9:34 AM

I can one up Aimee on this one, I'm old enough to remember when blue haired ladies dyed their yappinessinhell little poddles the same color of thier hair. I swear to Gawd on this I have seen lavender and blue poodles. I swear my mind when on a three year LSD bender after that just to make the world right again.

Posted by: Cele at June 7, 2007 11:49 AM

As someone whose husband told me years ago that I am not allowed to bring home anything else that eats, I so understand. Recently, one of our dogs went to the farm too (ahem), and since then, Zeus (the Moose) is very sad. He is huge (100 pounds plus), and he will come sit on my feet, place his huge head on my knee and stare at me for long moments with huge sad eyes. He misses the stupid dog (aka the dog that went to the farm forever). Zeus is not satisfied with Feliz the cat (OH, darn it, I guess I did bring home something that eats recently. It had been years!)

I am not going to tell my hubby about the x + 1 theory. He would like it way too much.

Posted by: Linda Sherwood at June 7, 2007 12:30 PM

My Great Dane, Angus, has an enormous crush on you and says I need to be more like you and let him in the house because it is good for AMERICA. Thanks a lot.

Posted by: Jen at June 7, 2007 1:40 PM

The 2 dog thing really is better for THEM except when one is an 11 year old lab and the other is a 1 year old horny female yorkipoo.
And, just remember your addition: 1+1=10 more dog doo piles to scoop, 1+1=$$$$$ shots at the vet, 1+1=2x bark power at doorbell, and 2xleash=4 hands needed to make PetCo runs.

I like your daughter's mini poodle idea. Every girl needs a "bio accessory."

Just don't do what I did and buy the puppy on the sly then plop it in the hubby's lap and say: I got another dog today. She LOVES you.
I am still in the doghouse for *that* one.

Posted by: linda at June 7, 2007 2:20 PM

I like the goat idea. Everyone should have goats. They are VERY AMERICAN. And probably good for the Alabama economy is some way - though I'm not yet certain of which way. Don't some goats produce a sort of "wool" that can be knitted? Surely this is reason enough to move to Fairhope and raise them. In fact - I have a Great Pyranees puppy that desperately needs to herd something other than my three children. Goats would be perfect. Thank you for this wonderful break-through!

Posted by: Patricia at June 7, 2007 3:39 PM

Colby said to tell Maisy that BOY dogs are the best! And he only has boys dogs. If she would like, Colby said that he will lend her his Jack Russell Vegetarian, Buster!

Save America and get Bagel an amigo!

Posted by: Melissa Black at June 8, 2007 10:16 AM

Long time persuser, first time poster.

One dog = good
Two dogs = better
Three dogs = best!

Congrats on your Georgia Author of the Year award. As an author who was born in that state, who knows exactly where Between, Georgia is (and has shopped there) I salute and applaud you.

Posted by: margaret at June 8, 2007 5:14 PM

Peruser. That's what I meant to type, before Friday Afternoon Syndrome got the better of me.
I don't know if it is a real word but I hope so 'cause I liked using it.

Posted by: margaret at June 8, 2007 5:16 PM

"Lox" -- I love it.

I very recently took in a puppy for a few weeks while it was "between homes." The pup got along with my dog so well that my supposedly dog-hating boyfriend, of all people, decided that we should keep him. Sometimes it DOES work if you bring the dog home before asking.

Posted by: Calamity Jen at June 8, 2007 5:50 PM