May 14, 2007

I Invented the Meltdown!

This is the first moment I have had to sit down since THURSDAY, oh best beloveds, so sorry the blog went dark, but I have not been here. I have been running around in circles with my head chicken-like-ily detached.

Chicken-like-ily is TOO a word. *glare*

Mr. Husband has left the building for nine days, and I am GRUMPY and single momming it ---May I just say, “ON MOTHER’S DAY!!!!” And while I say it I shall look especially aggrieved, and then you can all pick up teeny tiny violins or maybe even some mini-cellos and violas and make GENUINELY pitying eyes as you saw away at them? Because, while I have been playing a teeny tiny violin for MYSELF, it would sound better with the back up of a whole poignant-in-miniature string section.

I can’t tell you the WHOLE weekend, but here is a representative SAMPLE of WHY my head is chicken-like-ily detached. (STOP JUDGING ME! THAT IS SO A WORD!)

Schedule on Thursday afternoon:

3:30 – 4:30 PM Maisy’s dance recital dress rehearsal
5 Pick up my parents at my house
5:30 Be at Sam’s school for play

I was VERY excited about Sam’s play, which was about PIONEERS and gold rushes and steamboats and Texas and California and Armadillos and Teepees and the great railroads, and he was excited, too. VERY! He had had a small part as “The Steamboat Captain’s First Mate” and had spent the better part of April marching around the house yodeling, “ALL ABOARD! ALL ABOOOOAAARD! This boat is heading for The West down the Mississippi!”

BUT! Ten days before the play, the fifth grader playing one of the lead roles – Robert Fulton! The guy who invented the steamboat! Except he didn’t! He was actually the first guy who got one to really work, or made money having one or something very American like that! But still! And SAM was asked if he thought he could learn all the lines FAST and take over.

Now, Scott and I MET doing regional repertoire---met and became very best friends and never dated for seven years. I like to say he spent those years toiling in my father’s vineyards and that I’m just happy I didn’t have an old maid sister he had to marry first, but the truth is, he spent them toiling mostly on and behind stages with me. We never played romantically opposite each other, unless you count running around nearly naked in The Infamous Underwear Play
which I emphatically do not, and ANYWAY, Orton wasn’t exactly a ROMANTIC…Point is, my kids BOTH seem to have the theatre bug, and Sam knew the part in less than 48 hours and was, by all accounts, NAILING it and blowing minds at school with his authentic FULTON-ocity and Steamboatiness.

On Thursday morning, he Oh-So-Casually asked my husband, who was packing to LEAVE ME ALL ALONE ON MOTHER’S DAY (cue teeny orchestral wailings) “What did Robert Fulton look like?”

So we asked My Friend The Google, and the google showed us a man who spent ENTIRELY too much time carefully working his hair into artful little tousles, but who was otherwise unremarkable. (“He’s a little Percy Bysshe,” said Scott, who God bless him, has never actually PUT A PRODUCT other than shampoo onto his head and even seems to regard CONDITIONER with mild suspect) And that was the end of it.

But that casual sentence percolated around in my head all day and finally, just as we arrived harried but on time to Maisy’s rehearsal, with Sam’s curtain set to go up in less than two and EVERY MINUTE already filled with its allotted chore…The seeds of that question bloomed into a horror-blossom in my mind and I turned to Sam with a gimlet eye scything him open down unto his very bones and and said, “Why did you want to know what Robert Fulton looks like? DO YOU HAVE A COSTUME YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO WEAR???”

Him: Yes.
Me: Is the costume at SCHOOL?
Him: No. I have to bring it.
Him: *shrug* Maybe I should dress like a old fashioned sailor? Because I DID invent the steamboat. Or maybe a businessman? Because I got very rich! I should just, you know, look like Robert Fulton.”

At which point my head exploded and the next few minutes are a merciful wash of black in my memory, but I am sure that thirty years from now my son’s therapist will be able to tell me what transpired, should I ever become curious…

After I re-attached my son’s head (which I had lopped off in a rage) I called my mother, who was in route from Alabama, and said, “Please exit in Douglasville and go to the mall and BUY A ROBERT FULTON COSTUME, I do not know, just --- he should look like an old fashioned business man. DO YER BEST!”

Anyway, my mother magically cobbled something together, and he looked great and stole the show and whatnot, and I guess, in the end, I should just shut up and be profoundly grateful he wasn’t cast as The Armadillo.

Posted by joshilyn at May 14, 2007 6:34 AM

Oh no he didn't! No jury would have convicted you. ;)

Posted by: Amy-Go at May 14, 2007 8:47 AM

What Amy-Go said!

Your mother didn't, by any chance, put the Mother's Curse on you when you were younger, did she? You know..."I hope when you grow up you have a child who is just like you so you know what I went through." Just wondering... :-D

Glad Sam stole the show after the head-reattachment!

Posted by: DebR at May 14, 2007 9:23 AM

I... mmmffff... swear... I'm not... mmmfffffp... laughing....

Posted by: Mir at May 14, 2007 9:47 AM

Yes, I sense one of those "Karma is a bitch" moments. I know, 'cause I've had enough to recognize them in others by now. An may I say WOW. How did your mother whip that costume up so fast? Does she get a nice shiny prize for that or what?

Posted by: Michelle at May 14, 2007 10:06 AM

Whoa... your mom must really be magical. It's not as if malls -- in MAY no less, not right before Halloween -- are exactly crawling with Robert Fulton costumes.

And... cue an entire miniature string section. Sorry about Mr. Husband being away.

Posted by: Aimee at May 14, 2007 10:32 AM

ROFL! "What Amy Said." And Deb. And Michelle. And Mir. *stifling my guffaws and gasping for breath*

And who knew? Fulton really does look like Shelley!

Posted by: Katrina Stonoff at May 14, 2007 12:07 PM

I'm hiring a whole string orchestra for hubby was gone for 4 days last week, while I was in the worst throes of bronchitis and mono.

Hang in the Joshilyn!!! Happy belated Mother's Day!

Posted by: Angel at May 14, 2007 1:35 PM

Be sure to check your email. I have a great mother's day story for you. It might just make you feel better. If you so desire, you can post it here.

Posted by: Rhonda at May 14, 2007 3:07 PM

Joshilyn - emerging from long time lurker status to say that it was a pleasure to meet you last Friday at the Huntsville Library author's luncheon. You were so charming, with a most impressive ability to speak casually before a crowd! If you'd told this story we would have been even more impressed!!

And I've just now finished Gods in Alabama and I lurved it!

Posted by: Tami Lee at May 14, 2007 4:05 PM

I feel your pain! I know it well. My 3 daughters loved ( I think ploted) to do that to me. I'm so glad my days living in a high school musical will be ending next year. But I had a good 12 years of it, since they are 4 years apart. Just as one was leaving H.S the other one was filling her shoes. I hope they all have 10 kids just like them!(and I'm not babysitting)

Posted by: Desi at May 14, 2007 4:27 PM

Just cracking up here!

Posted by: Edgy Mama at May 14, 2007 4:35 PM

I don't know, isn't this sort of a boy thing? Or is it just mine who kind of float on through, not quite noticing the DETAILS that make their very existence possible?

Posted by: amy at May 14, 2007 5:34 PM

During 2nd grade, my son announced at bedtime he was going to be Paul Bunyon the next day- “. . .for the play . . . and you’re gonna come aren’t ya Mom?” Yikes! Guess I should have cleaned out the notes in his backpack last week –oops! At least the costume was easy- flannel shirt with rolled up sleeves and a plastic ax from a fireman Halloween costume. The mistake was topping it off with his 3 year old brothers red stocking cap . . . the 3 year old watching the ‘play’ immediately recognized HIS HAT and jumped off my lap, tore up on stage screaming, “THAT’S MY HAT!” and ripped the hat off his brother’s head, jammed it on his own head, and then calmly came back and climbed up on my lap.

Posted by: -jean at May 14, 2007 8:55 PM

my lovely sweet child ran up and stole the blanket off baby jesus at the church christmas pageant.............

Posted by: dramamama at May 14, 2007 11:26 PM

If this was a repeat offense, I think I'd just make him go out there in his regular clothes, I'm mean that way. Then again, my daughter's not old enough to have this happen yet, we'll see if I stand on firm ground then . . .

Posted by: Brigitte at May 15, 2007 6:50 AM

Oh. . .just way too funny. And he had not one but TWO mothers on his Robert Fulton detail. Impressive.

Posted by: Roxanne at May 15, 2007 9:39 AM

I love reading the stories about your children, however, I must learn not to drink my morning beverage at the same time. It's reaking havoc on my monitor.

Much sympathy for Scott being out of town. Warming up my tiny viola for you!

And of course, a very happy (belated) Mother's Day to you. Here's a little something to cheer you up, I sent my mother a brand new, shiny copy of gods in Alabama for Mother's Day. I was apalled to learn that she has not read it even though I have been RAVING about it since I read it over a year ago. Me thinks a copy of Between shall be making it's way to her for her birthday next month. :)

Hang in there, just a few more day's without Scott.

Posted by: Patti D at May 15, 2007 10:53 AM

Cool site. Thank you.

Posted by: baby beatrix bedding potter at May 24, 2007 5:46 AM