May 8, 2007

1) I need a new category called RANDOM NEURONS FIRING for these weird little lists of things that are wholly unconnected and that I like to NUMBER as if they were in some way sequential. “AH! You seek order in a chaotic world,” says a passing philosopher, and I nod wisely, as if it were so. But just between us? No one who ever saw my closet would accuse me of seeking order.

Still, I like lists.

2) Mr. Husband sent me a link to a Winnie the Pooh cartoon. But. This one was animated by Soviets. Vin Puh! It’s awesome.

3) Remember Bush Baby? From Friday? Karen wishes we would run into him again. No, not so we can beat him up. *grin* He has stuck with her, too. She wants to get him on the couch and goozle out his backstory. I say, Are you planning on writing “Interview with the Butthead” Ms. Rice?” She doesn’t care. She’s pretty sure he would be an interesting person to grill. She wants to get the really for true story.

Me, I NEVER want to see him again. I am not sure I would recognize him if we did. I suspect that already in my brain his face has shifted, so that he looks more like I WANT him to look than how he actually looks. I suspect that if we DID find him, his backstory would not be terribly interesting to me. I could barely tolerate the conversation of the drunken 18 year old male when I was a sober 17 year old female, so….

In my HEAD, I LOVE this guy already, warts and all. I have a reformed Irish bad boy in my head named Parker, and I think BB may be Parker’s paper son; I am FASCINATED by the specific mental illnesses I am giving BB and have ZERO interest in his actual mental illnesses.

The passing philosopher is back, wanting to know how this speaks to the working minds of the non-fic writer and the novelist, but jeez didn’t that guy JUST pass here going other the way? MOVE IT ALONG BUDDY I have NOT had enough coffee yet to even LOOK at you with your dirty feet in their mandals and your flowing brown hair.

Stinking philosophers.

4) Filed under, Mean People Suck: AGAIN with the drive by --- I swan I have ticked off Karma ala Earl to draw such a flood of Random Ire. I was wheeling through Publix, picking up SUPER FOODS and fresh veggies and wild caught shrimpies (Yes,Virginia, I have SHOCKINGLY stuck to the “life plan” and as a result I am ALREADY fitting back in MY OLD JEANS and my inner child is feeling smug and cleansy and righteous…) and I had Miss Maisy with me, which meant I was using a CAR CART. I freaking HATE the car cart. It has a big plastic car on the front and is about 90 times the size of a regular cart and the wheels go squirting around all unruly and UGH! But Maisy LOVES it.

I had my BLUE TOOTH screwed into my ear ----I had forgotten it was there. Maisy and I were having a very involved discussion about what constitutes an acceptable breakfast food (I am emphatically PRO Count Chocula, but as a DESSERT, not to dump into your stomach when you first roll out of bed seeking sustenance) I came around the corner and and BOOM, there was an older lady with pursed, frownful lines engraved SO deeply around her small, round mouth that it resembled nothing so much as, forgive me, a cat butt, and she and her cart were RIGHT there. SO I stopped ABRUPTLY, making absolutely NO contact with her cart, and smiled and said, “Oh whoops, that was a close one! So Sorry!”

She gave me a poisonous stare from under her sparse eyebrows and said, “If you quit all that yacking you would see where you were going!” And wheeled furiously away.

OOOOOkay. Then I realized I had my blue tooth screwed in, and I thought, Oh, maybe she thinks I am on the phone and some people HATE that and …. Whatever. So. I go around the corner, start down the next aisle, and of COURSE we meet up again. So I say, “I AM sorry, I was talking to my daughter,” indicating Maisy in the car, and she glared at me AGAIN and said in a voice both furious AND patronizing (it sounded like she was talking to a brain damaged hamster, but not one she LIKED much), “Yes. When you should have been DRIVING.” And stomped off.

I ALMOST said, “This isn’t actually a CA|R, you understand,” but she was well over 65 and so I could not say anything.

I went DIRECTLY back to produce and noodled around in the peppers to avoid re-meeting her down every aisle. Little old ladies intimidate the CRAP out of me. Sometimes the Jehovah’s Witnesses get smart and send a little old lady to invade my home, and I am INCAPABLE of telling any tottery female with a bun and orthopedic shoes that NO, I DO NOT WANT THE WATCHTOWER and PLEASE GET OFF MY LAWN, so I end up politely discussing the End of Days for half an hour on my porch. It’s all I can DO not to bring them in the house and feed them cookies and convert, really.

On the bright side, I found the ONE decent yellow pepper buried in the bin near the back, when I had given them all up as bad jobs earlier.

5) Here is a recent mash picture of my BIG FLUFFY BOYFRIEND Dexter.

boyfriendofme.jpeg

Gray Parrots are NOTORIOUSLY stand-offish and coy and complicated and violently passionate in their likes and dislikes---walk up to a strange one and pat it and see how many thumbs you have at the end of THAT adventure. They generally are not terribly cuddlesome with people they do not really KNOW and LOVE…but I have been COURTING Dexter assiduously for MONTHS now, and he has begun wolf whistling when I come in the room and singing to me and dancing when he sees me and making kiss noises at me. When I go to open his cage, he comes sidling over to see me, and on my last two visits he has consented to let me scritch his head with my fingers and NOW he is apparently snapping (naked) pics of himself with his camera phone and sending them.

He LIKES me! He LIKES me! HUZZAH!

Posted by joshilyn at May 8, 2007 7:51 AM
Comments

1) I do posts exactly like that - random, unconnected (yet numbered!!) lists - on my blog about once a week. I call that category "Random Items from the Junk Drawer of my Mind."

2) That cartoon was fun! But am I the only one who found it deeply disturbing that Vinny Puh's feet were totally disconnected from his body??

3) If Karen wants to run into BB, then I hope she does, but I'd be with you on this one. I think whatever back story you create for him will, by default, be about a million times more interesting than whatever really made him who and what he is.

4) I wonder if the woman in the store was BB's gramma? That would explain a lot. :-)

5) I do not share your passion for parrots. I only really like wild little song birds who put on a show at my feeders and then fly away. Birds in the house kind of squick me out. BUT, that said, I have to admit that Dexter is pretty dern handsome, for a bird.

Posted by: DebR at May 8, 2007 8:20 AM

Joshilyn, PLEASE! Take your camara to Publix ....and the bars you frequent.....we really need more visuals. It would add a whole new depth to your blog.....or to my life, which ever.
Still can't believe I have to wait a whole year for the next book. I will pout the whole time.

Posted by: Desi at May 8, 2007 8:31 AM

Okay, what I would like to know is: whatever happened to MANNERS? Because these randomly mean people are displaying NONE. And I think perhaps Karma might instead be nibbling at THEIR nether regions, to have taken away their manners so.

Lucky you, YOUR manners are still shiny clean and pretty. I think Karma and Dexter BOTH like you.

Posted by: Badger at May 8, 2007 9:01 AM

I think the old woman falls into that breed of human who is Simply Superior--they have their Rules and they think everyone else should follow said Rules Precisely and Perfectly. Somewhere in her head she is smarting with self-righteous indignation about That Young Woman at the market who was talking while driving. Crazy, I know. I think it's hard to go through life that way. I know I've fallen into that self-righteous hole myself and I've sworn not to do it anymore. For one, it makes you look stupid and mean, in both senses of the word. Not too long ago an older woman from my church, who was crossing a street near our library, started lecturing me (in the car with my kids) through the car window because I'd crept into the crosswalk. I know, sin on my part. I was hoping to make a right on red and needed to see and just wanted to get home. She saw it was me and immediately looked mortified to be chastising someone she knew. It's gone beyond manners to tolerance, really. If a person is Always Right No Matter What, it shows an incredible lack of ability to put oneself in another's shoes.

And those car carriages? Hate them. I'm always apologizing to people for bumping into them. They're like the 18-wheelers of supermarket carts.

Posted by: amy at May 8, 2007 9:12 AM

Anyone else notice that the meaner/stinkier/weirder/louder/obnoxiousier/[add your own "-"ier] a fellow grocery shopper is, the more likely you are to run into him/her in each and every aisle, no matter what alternate route you take?

I guess it's more of that Earlesque karma you talked about.

Same goes for when you finally tell your worst nemesis what you REALLY think of her and her family history. Suddenly, you will run into her everywhere. And she will be the one your science teacher assigns as your lab partner-- Okay, that was a REALLY long time ago. But years later she will end up being your supervisor at work. She will be the deciding vote whether you get into the Junior League. And the manager at the bank you need to get a loan from. etc.

Sigh.

And worse than the car carriages? Car carriages (or any carriage) driven unsupervised by a 7-year-old Dale Earnhardt, Junior.

I hope your life plan can cleanse your karma, too.

Posted by: Tracy at May 8, 2007 10:43 AM

We had two African Grey's in my house growing up and they loved my father. What did that mean for all of the rest of the women in the house? Terror. Extreem fear that one of these 2 pound birds would climb down from the cage, bob its head at us, bite our toes (oh, it's happened) and we'd have to run for Daddy. But I do think that if the bird were on my side, it'd be quite a nice pet.

Posted by: aka Nik at May 8, 2007 11:01 AM

Amen to the Car-cart hating. I can't even drive by Safeway without Selby Rose asking if we can go to the store. Sigh.

And allow me some random love. Between, Georgia (on CD) got me through labor with my youngest. My mother and I were entranced. You are my new most favoritist author, right after Janet E.

Posted by: jennielynn at May 8, 2007 11:31 AM

Poor Benjamin, I refuse to use the car cart. I.WILL.NOT.GO.THERE
So I pacify him with a quarter for a train ride on the way out.

I think you should just run over the prune face, sugar can't melt in my mouth, octogenarians and put us all out of their misery. Maybe we could get points, like in the story story X Marks the Pedestrian and more points for rewarding wonderfully good fairy grandmothers for their sugary sweetness with our smiles.

The only exotic pet I ever had was a monkey. He/she/it was forever clinging to me. So much so that her/his/its tiny little simian hands would leave my budding someday to be bossom in an array of black, blue, and deeply bruised, swollen from a size a to c cup from the constant death grip. I guess I should have considered it training for high school.

Posted by: Cele at May 8, 2007 11:59 AM

You are SO hot! Oh, what I would do to get my prehensile talons into you...

Posted by: Dexter at May 8, 2007 12:13 PM

My son LOVES those car carts. And we have to go to Publix tomorrow ayiyiyi. I always feel like I'm trying to drive a tank.

I declare this to be DON'T MESS WITH JOSHILYN Month. We should all make pins and a secret handshake. No drunk trolls or mean old ladies allowed.

Dexter is gorgeous! I would love to have one, but I think my Cat (who aspires to be Garfield) would think a bird would be a snack in a to-go box.

Posted by: Angel at May 8, 2007 12:50 PM

Weird. I would swear that that bird actually posted and called you hot. Then again, this is FTK. Anything can happen here. And usually does.

And I am totally astounded that we have so many comments about BB and that mean old Publix lady, and not yet a single one about you fitting back into your OLD JEANS. WAY TO GO, YOU!!

Now, in all fairness and love of your Best Beloveds, you must give us some linky love, so that we may also see and learn the Life Plan, and be able to once again wear our Old jeans as well.

Pretty Please?

Posted by: dee at May 8, 2007 2:57 PM

Thank you, Dee! I was going to post the same thing myself. I can fit into a pair of my pre-2nd baby jeans, but I would kill to fit into my lovely pre-1st baby Ralph Laurens that I can no longer fit into and can also no longer afford to replace (because of the two kids!). I might even eat crazy Bible pasta. Also, as an encouragement to stick to the life plan, my husband and I are going on our very first ever, grown up only vacation to celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary and we're going to the beach. And although the bathing-suit-trying-on extravaganza wasn't as horrifying as I anticipated, it could always be better. Crazy Bible Pasta and Life plan, here I come!!

Posted by: Leandra at May 8, 2007 4:09 PM

What is worse than driving a car cart with a happy child in it? Driving one with NO child in it because your 4 year old son is too squirmy to sit through a whole trip to the store. So then you have the stupid too-long too-wide cart AND an unruly child bumping into the disapproving Other Shoppers. PLEEEZE get back in, Favorite Son. I look STUPID driving this thing.

Posted by: Jill at May 8, 2007 6:43 PM

The evil, self-righteous, grumbly folks at the market are definitely the ones you run into in every aisle. Along with the creepy ones who smile and ask you to squeeze something.

Congratulations on sticking with the diet and for fitting into the old jeans! Yay!

And I got a serious kick out of Vinni Puh, although Lillian and Ryan maintain it was just WRONG!

But that parrot. Oh Peach, the picture of your Big Fluffy Boyfriend brought back such memories! And I have to thank you, because I wasn't sure what my blog topic was gonna be today, but there it was, beakily staring up at me off the screen. Don't go read it, though. It's filled with blood and murder.

Posted by: Fran at May 9, 2007 2:36 AM

Oh, I loved the way you described the old woman's mouth. Cat butt? Know what I bet? She's a lifelong smoker! Come to think of it, I know several people who's mouth looks that way. I came around the corner at the walmart one day and nearly collided with another cart. In my mind she was as much at fault as I. So I just smiled. She said, in a very catty tone, "Can you say excuse me?" I replied back, "Sure when I need to." And I went the other direction. Chalk one up for the Granna!

Car carts - I hate em, too. Refuse to let my grandkids talk me into one of those. If you ever get perfectly parallel to a shelf, you can't go anywhere!

Sorry, Josh Dear, I get kinda squirrely if a bird is in my house. When my oldest son was about ten, a bird got in our house. I ran to the bedroom and shut the door. He get a bb gun, pumped it way too many times, shot the bird that was sitting on the window sill. Killed the bird but shot a hole in the window pane! His daddy jumped all over him but I defended him very briskly. He was just saving his mama from the killer bird. I think it was a sparrow.

I'd rather pet a bear than a bird.

Posted by: Rhonda at May 9, 2007 9:52 AM

My usual large-store-with-no-visual-clearance line is, "Whoops! I really wish they had traffic lights on the ends of these aisles!" That gets a smile, even out of the grumpy butts -- at least long enough for me to run away ;-)

Congrats on the pants!

Posted by: Beth at May 12, 2007 3:20 PM