May 1, 2007

The Dam Part of Damn

Anyway, I KNEW I was going to begin the Crazy Bible Pasta Diet. And my friend Karen agreed to go on it, too. We are both HIDEOUSLY COMPETITIVE, so we made a bet. Whoever BREAKS and has cheese, or wine, or chocolate, is the undisputed loser and the WINNER is the total boss of them forever. It may sound meaningless to you, but trust me, Karen and I would both lick worms ---MULTIPLE slime covered FILTHY worms ------ before we would let the other win. We are using our horrible warty inner competitive trolls for good!

ANYWAY---on Saturday, Karen and I wanted to have a orgie-riffic bacchanalia. To fortify our inner children for the long road ahead.

In a seemingly unrelated but of info, Karen is married to Chuck, the lead engineer for this dam that’s being built up in Canton, Ga to provide drinking water for Cherokee County. Cherokee is growing MAD and FAST, and Chuck’s dam is going to be the largest dam in Georgia. This is SUPER GREAT FOR CHUCK AND ALL, but…

Ever since Mr. Husband found out what Chuck does for a living, you can guess what his main aim in all of life was: For both of us to go with Chuck and Karen out to Canton so we could all put on hardhats and REALLY sexy puffy orange safety vests and crawl all over the impending dam and watch how it was being built and sniff its foundations and look at PERFECTLY HUUUUUUGE CRANES.

My stance on dams has not changed since May 1, 2004 Before May 1, 2004 I HAD no official “stance on dams” and NO thought that I might ever NEED an official dam stance. *sigh* But given that Ihave and stand by my DAM STANCE, ever since Mr. Husband found out what Chuck does for a living, MY aim has been to NOT to go within 30 miles of Canton and, should I fail, and accidentally come within sniffing distance of the dam, to have a flask and stay in the car with Karen playing a drinking game using the plastic travel Scrabble I have stowed under the passenger seat for JUST such an damergency.

At any rate, on Saturday I had scheduled a reading and a signing at a very cool indie that I did not realize was in DANGEROUS DAM PROXIMITY due to my being so GEOGRAPHICALLY INCOMPETENT that I get lost trying to find the little used guest bathroom in my house, and if I were given a MAP to that bathroom, I would actually become actually MORE likely to end up in a toilet free Photomat booth in Cleveland.
My first clue that I was getting within the dam’s radius should have been that the bookstore is in CANTON and the DAM is in CANTON. Um, yeah. I KNEW both these facts peripherally, but they managed to wander around in my brain like those not-yet-destioned-to-meet soul mates in Sleepless in Seattle. Maybe they peered across a street at each other, but they did not connect.

MEANWHILE, My husband, who updates my website, realized that I was going to BE at Yawn’s Books and More IN! CANTON! Oh, yes, Magical! Dam-filled! Canton! At a bookstore that was a dog’s butt hair away from GEEK BOY PARADISE, and there was NO reason on earth why Karen and Chuck could not meet us at the bookstore for the reading, and then we’d all caravan up the road three or four miles and Make Him Happy for The Rest of His Life.

Me: Yes! That would be great, but sadly, Chuck died.
Him: *skeptical* When.
Me: Last Tuesday. He was eaten by carnivorous beavers. They infest DAMS you know. Very dangerous to go anywhere NEAR dams. *sorrowful head shaking*

He did NOT buy it, and so I filled the big flask with Dirty Stoli, packed a ziplock with olives, and loaded up the LITTLE flask with arsenic, just in case the Stoli ran out.


He said, “Hey, why don’t you and Karen go to the book event, and she can meet the booksellers and some readers ( Karen’s first book is coming out this summer) and while you guys do that, *I* will take Scott up to the dam and we can take our time without listening to you two pule and bi---I mean, without you two sweet, pretty things being bored by a bunch of hairy sweaty dam talk.”

SO THE PLAN WAS SET…and then after book talk and dam talk, we would all four re-meet up and have the Bacchanalia…and my time is up – I have to go pack and drive to Oneonta for a lit fest at the library.

GAH I am SO behind. I have things piling up and up to tell you! I will finish this up in ONE thing on Thursday. Pinky (sock) swearsies.

Posted by joshilyn at May 1, 2007 7:00 AM

The most perfectly perfect plan. You got lucky on that one. :)))

Posted by: Tiff at May 1, 2007 9:45 AM

I share the geographical incompetence. Understand that my car has a navigation system, and I STILL manage to get lost FREQUENTLY, forcing the GPS to recalculate on the fly. The lady who speaks the directions generally keeps her cool, but one of these days, I am expecting her to come out with something like, "Listen, moron, I told you about 63 times which exit to take. You're on your own."

Posted by: WG at May 1, 2007 10:33 AM

Oh you are such a fast change artist. But kudos on the narrow escape.

Posted by: Cele at May 1, 2007 12:16 PM

You know, if it were MY husband, instead of just wanting to go see the dam, he'd try to find a way to work the word 'dam' into every sentence while he was there. *insert visions a la National Lampoon's vacation movie here*. No, I'm not joking. The dear man can't even say the name "Amanda" without thinking of the Simpson's and laughing ("Is there an Amanda here? Amanda Hugginkiss?")
And no. I'm not joking. He really is that goofy.

Posted by: dee at May 1, 2007 12:34 PM

WG, that's me as well. I can tell by her tone that the GPS is quite cross with me whenever she says, "OFF route. Recalculating."

Posted by: Genevieve at May 1, 2007 1:17 PM

Oh the magical meanderings of important and relevant information in our seemingly empty brains yes?

Hmm Canton? Now why is that familiar? Oh look! Something SHINY!

Hate that. :)

Posted by: Liise at May 1, 2007 3:48 PM

If the beavers don't get Chuck, the Grand Wizard contractor dude will...

Posted by: Karen Abbott at May 1, 2007 5:43 PM

Just spent a while over at Karen's site. MyOhMy, it is nice. Everyone else should trot on over there and check it out. They should, really!
I can't wait for that book!

Posted by: dee at May 1, 2007 6:54 PM

I stand pink sock corrected and I bow before your beauty and all around loveliness!

Oh, I am SO lucky that Lillian isn't interested in things like that! And the things she's interested in, she's gracious enough not to share with me. Yes, I am spoiled rotten!

Three cheers for Chuck the Wonderful and his ingenious and stellar plan! Oh sure, you'll have to hear all about the Beautiful Canton Dam until your ears bleed, but at least you don't have to BE there, and that's honestly much better!

Posted by: Fran at May 1, 2007 11:08 PM

Dee, you are SO friggin' pretty!!

Posted by: Karen Abbott at May 2, 2007 10:42 AM