April 30, 2007

Damn and Dam: Part the First

Damn is, I realized that I have about 28 days until I get my new color author photo taken by this screaming genius named Gilbert in NYC when I go up there for BEA and the Warner LOOK WE CHANGED OUR NAME TO GRAND CENTRAL PUBLISHING Party and OH my Best Beloveds….I am not camera ready.

We are not going to discuss the exact NUMBER of pounds I gained during the Long Dark Tea Time of the Soul I had over the last year or so --- a brief recap: TGWSS – an ambitious project to begin with -- was kicking my butt, my gramma died, these things got tied up together in Very Bad ways…Yeah. So. ANYWAY. TGWSS decided to come together in a rather lovely and unexpected fashion, and I am a person of faith so death and the idea of death is not permanently disconcerting. In short, Tea Time ended. I am back in my old clothes thanks to frenetic working out, but just…barely. Yesterday I struggled into my old jeans and sat in church feeling PROUD and PLEASED and like my spleen was being crushed. Before BEA, I want those stinkin’ jeans to be my BAGGY jeans, okay? OKAY! SO!

My friend Lydia has gone and FOOLISHLY befriended a WILD EYED COLON-OBSESSED DIETICIAN who does all these terrible cleansing things to herself involving eating steam and wrapping herself in cultured seaweed paste– wait – maybe I have that backwards, who can tell, it’s all so insane and involves a higher level of admitting one HAS a colon than I care to indulge in. Colons are yucky. They should be neither seen nor heard. BUT this dietician friend prances around eating yeast and with Senna tea and she is slim as a ribbon and has skin that glows with the wattage of one thousand baby butt cheeks. So. There may be something to it, is all I am saying.

I am therefore on The Crazy Hippie TREE-BARK-IS-DELICIOUS Whole Body Cleansing Ritual Tea Fest and Hug-In Life Plan. (Life Plan is a California word that I think means “diet”) Just for the next seven days. To see how it goes. If after seven days my jeans are looser and my skin looks like it has met the word Luminous in passing, I will go another seven.

Telling you I am on this diet should in NO WAY be taken as an admission that I care about or wish to discuss my colon. Or yours. Or the concept of the colon in general. I EMPHATICALLY DO NOT. I am not even admitting that I HAVE a colon, got it? I am just cleansing my…inner child. Or something. My friend The Google assures me this is actually a pretty healthy eating plan---the bulk of it being raw fruits and veggies, NO animal fats, but I have a liberal hand with the olive oil and am eating wild caught fish and VERY whole grains. SUPER whole. Raw oats, Spelt bread, whole grain couscous and Crazy Bible Pasta.

Crazy Bible Pasta is a real true product, and I am really for true eating it, too. REALLY. IN MY MOUTH I am eating it. I am supposed to eat a fermented food, like MISO, but you find Miso in rural Georgia. I DARE YOU. Life Plan also suggested YOGURT as a fermented food, which I MUST have, Life Plan says, to replace my… Acidodolphins? Apparently my…inner child needs Acidoldrummy things to thrive, but I would seriously rather take a railroad spike through the eye than eat yogurt. Just the SMELL of it on my children’s breath sometimes makes me gag. So I am taking the acido-si-dos in convenient PILL form.

DIGRESSION: I pointed out to The Google that WINE is a fermented food, and The Google said, “Wine does not have acidungies, and you can’t have any in this Life Plan, so shut it.” Then The Google said, without being asked, “PS, Vodka doesn’t have acido-whoosits EITHER,” so now me and The Google, we are not speaking.

BAH – I have run out of time for DAM I spent so much time on DAMN. BOO! I will Dam you all tomorrow, yes? And the first one who raises the spectre of the PINK SOCKS unto me KNOWING I haven’t had chocolate OR wine in almost 30 hours now will be tied down and forced to eat Crazy Bible Pasta.

I TOLD you it was a really for true product! Skeptical Sally.

Posted by joshilyn at April 30, 2007 6:44 AM

No hidden-away nature-granola type stores run by crazy semi-retired hippies in your area? That's where I find Miso . . . not that I know what to do with it.

Posted by: Brigitte at April 30, 2007 7:07 AM

yeah, I'm kinda scratching my head over your ability to find Crazy Bible Pasta but not miso--probably because I have never HEARD of CBP but I have EATEN miso (and lived)--also, the vitamin C microdelivery peel by Philosophy. Really makes your skin radiant without sprouted ANYTHING. Good luck, Joss!

Posted by: Elena at April 30, 2007 7:39 AM

Dude--this is Georgia. You can find Crazy Bible ANYTHING.

I say this lovingly, understand, and as a devout Christian, but with wry eyebrows because I don't think bumper stickers that say "If it ain't King James, it ain't BIBLE" pasted on beside a Confederate flag bumper sticker and set just below a gun rack really capture the concept of WWJD. Or in this case WWJWOHS. (What would Jesus want on his car)

Out here, I can't always find fresh pesto, much less MISO.

Posted by: joshilyn at April 30, 2007 7:46 AM

Hey, I think I've seen the truck you just described in your comment, Joss. Sure you haven't been hanging out in Kentucky? :-) I totally get the not being able to find miso thing. Not that I've looked in my area, because I have no particular desire to try it. But if I DID suddenly and inexplicably develop a desire to try miso, I guarantee I'd be able to find it no closer than Lexington, if there.

So, I'm almost afraid to ask, but how does the Crazy Bible Pasta TASTE??

Posted by: DebR at April 30, 2007 8:47 AM

Okay, um, I'm sure you could take a trip to Whole Paycheck in Atlanta and get yourself some miso, Tulip. Or I could send you some, if you like.

Also: I have had Ezekiel bread and it was awful. I hope the Ezekiel pasta is better.

And: I probably need some cleansing (read: slimming) before this here wedding but I think I have resigned myself to 1) owning this house forever and 2) being flabby.

Maybe I need some Crazy Bible Valium.

Posted by: Mir at April 30, 2007 9:26 AM

Girl, you just need to shut up now. You look lovely and SKINNY (you evil witch) every time I see you.

Posted by: Tiff at April 30, 2007 9:33 AM

I'm pretty impressed with the pasta and may order me some just for kicks. . .however, having studied the book of Ezekiel THOROUGHLY, I am a little hesitant to EAT of what is suggested in the book of Ezekiel. Although God, on the whole, has great ideas, Ezekiel was asked to do lots and lots of things that weren't nearly as pleasant as eating protein laden penne pasta.

Acidophilus is the GOOD bacteria that helps you digest your food AND seeing as how you don't have a colon, per se, I'm sure you also don't have one of those passages that babies come through to enter the world. HOWEVER, should you maybe possibly have one, acidophilus also helps to keep the GOOD bacteria in that passage way on the level so you don't end up with uncomfortable infections in said passage way after having taken a round of antibiotics. In short, if you MUST take the antibiotic, make sure you have an acidophilus capsule chaser.

And my holistic chiropractic Dr. sister (from whom I got all of this information that made me sound so "with it") says the capsules work just as well as the yogurt. . .

Posted by: Roxanne at April 30, 2007 10:12 AM

Really! You wear jeans to church. In the South?

Posted by: Cathi at April 30, 2007 10:41 AM

I myself am intrigued by the concept of "dormant food energy" that apparently lurks deep within the (blue?) heart of Crazy Bible Pasta. Seriously, is it blue? It looks blue.

Posted by: Aimee at April 30, 2007 10:44 AM

You can get miso soup here in far more rural, far more podunk West Tennessee...at Wally World. You can also try a Japanese restaurant and see where they get theirs. Or an Asian food store. If Nashville has several, Atlanta will have a dozen.

I have a good the-body-part-which-does-not-exist cleansing lentil loaf recipe, if'n anyone wants it.

Posted by: Sabra at April 30, 2007 11:03 AM

If it works, you will really have to give us some link-love so that we may all obsess... I mean, experience the Whole Body Cleansing Ritual Tea Fest and Hug-In Life Plan as well. I mean, it's a "life plan", right? NOT a diet? Yeah, I see the difference.

And - OH MY. I can't wait to see what Laura Florand says when she learns that you have been off of The Chocolate for so long. She may even send you an emergency stash of something. Just to, you know, help. :)

Posted by: dee at April 30, 2007 11:38 AM

Oh my gracious, Ms. Jackson. I am laughing so hard I may succumb to the vapors or some other such thing. Crazy Bible Pasta. Is that like Ezekial Bread? I will pray that this "life plan" brings you intense radiance, to be compared with baby butt cheeks aplenty.

Oh So Funny!!!

Posted by: Jenn2 at April 30, 2007 11:42 AM

I do NOT usually wear jeans to church, but if it is my turn for nursery, kid church, or Sunday School monitor, then I do. So I did. :)

Posted by: Joshilyn at April 30, 2007 11:44 AM

Wow, doesn't that sound fun?

But really, I have heard that "inner-child" cleansing does WONDERS! Good luck!

Posted by: Melanie Marie at April 30, 2007 12:06 PM

I felt so at home reading this. Here in the hippie NW, we have vegans a plenty and all kinds of cleansing going on. (I think it is the new religion here - folks don't go to church, they eat manna and wild honey instead.)

Anyhoo, I hope you enjoy, or at least survive, and feel oh-so-pretty.

Be well.

Posted by: Lisa Milton at April 30, 2007 12:07 PM

Sauerkraut is fermented. And I know you can find that in Georgaw. Just make sure to remove the pigs' feet before you give it to your inner child.

Best of luck, girl.

Posted by: Edgy Mama at April 30, 2007 12:25 PM

Now see, I'm up Seattle way, and I figure I'm safe about mentioning PINK SOCKS since you'll have to come up here to force me to eat the odd pasta. Which I will gladly do if you come up here, but then I'll be able to take you out for a nice miso soup so we'll be square.

But the Pink Socks will vanish in the lovely post tomorrow when we find out about Dam, right?

*ducking rapidly and giggling like a three-year-old*

Posted by: Fran at April 30, 2007 1:24 PM

When I first read about the colon-obsessed dietician, I was wondering why a dietician would be interested in grammar (:). Whoops, wrong colon.

Posted by: Linda Sherwood at April 30, 2007 2:54 PM

Have you a Trader Joe's? You can get miso there. Also, as was already mentioned, Whole Mortgage.

I would love to glow like so many babies' butt cheeks- but not enough to give up wine, if I'm being honest.

Posted by: Laura at April 30, 2007 3:37 PM

my pretty friend, I just had MISO at one Japanese restaurant in Smyrna this weekend. It is not rural Ga. I know this because I gasp and choke my way there FROM kinda rural GA 45 minutes away. They also have a grocery store beside it called: tomato @2086 cobb pkway, Smyrna. By the way, they have THE BEST authentic, doesn't cost an arm and leg Japanese food this side of Japan.

Posted by: Desi at April 30, 2007 4:04 PM

You know, I'm pretty down with the whole food eating style, having been a vegetarian for years until baby #1 kind of messed that up for me. He had dairy-induced colic, so I had to give up all dairy, which near about killed me, for a WHOLE YEAR. Then he had intestinal yeast, which hurt quite a bit, and I had to give up soy and other beans. Bam, no protein for me, and chicken started looking tasty again. ANYWAY. My point was, that pasta looks like poo and I wouldn't eat it myself, so bless you. And since I brought up the yeast, YES, acidophilus is very, very important. And yogurt is MUCH better than Kefir, although the capsules work, too, and you can even find the kind now that doesn't have to be refrigerated. Have you tried drinkable yogurt? Stonyfield Farms sippy yogurt--that's what my kids call it--also has the live cultures. Another option, and I swear it's really good and you can hardly tell it has yogurt, is to combine plain or vanilla yogurt with frozen strawberries and sliced bananas and ice (or fruit of your choice, as long as some is frozen) in your blender. Yum. Nursing a kid with yeast will teach you really fast how to stomach LOTS and LOTS of yogurt.

And I know you don't have that particular body part, but since you were reminding us all about mammograms, may I take this opportunity to remind that a :oscopy (see how cleverly I do not use the word? just for you) is the best way to screen for : cancer. Yucky test but do it do it do it.

Posted by: amy at April 30, 2007 7:52 PM

Ooo, Amy, great on the term :oscopy, the emoticon at the start of that really fits, don't you think?

My husband used to sell software for :oscopy software to MDs. He was NOT allowed to talk about work at the dinner table. Or much of anywhere else, for that matter.

Posted by: Lulu at April 30, 2007 8:51 PM

i swear i read that verse in the link as "take them all....and put them into one weasel..." (so maybe if it doesn't work, you can cram all the yummy leftovers into a weasel and fry him up. ummm tasty!)
i know a gal who weighs about half a feather, and she does all that Crazy Bible food. so it works for her. though she really looks like Skeletor, rather than all that glow jazz you're striving for.

Posted by: dramamama at April 30, 2007 11:53 PM

OOooh "Life Plan", I like that term!!

My acupuncturist wants me to do a raw food diet. As in raw. Raw, raw, raw. Yogurt would be forbidden. Not sure I can go raw vegan for 2 weeks, but I'll see how you do. Maybe your experience will make me bold ;)

Acidophilous, probiotics--awesome things. And the pills work just as well (if not better) than what you find in yogurt. Plus it's great for eczema, my son's skin has cleared up wonderfully.

SO looking forward to your new book!!!

Posted by: Angel at May 1, 2007 12:23 PM

Just wanted to say the Acidophilus worked wonders with radiation burns with cancer treatment. The pills do work great because I couldnt possibly have eaten that much yogurt, and I had no desire to.

I just wanted to throw in that they need refrigerated. They print it so small on every bottle I have ever purchased, my first bottle I used for weeks before I noticed it and I imagine if they put it on there it really does need to go in the fridge. Figured I could save you a repeat of me seeing the instructions 5 weeks into taking them, through bleary eyes trying to pour pills and that microscopic writing leaps out to accost a very tired you.

Posted by: kimmie at May 1, 2007 6:17 PM

I need a McFlurry, geez.

Posted by: The Brother at May 4, 2007 9:16 AM