March 19, 2007

Mission Status Reports

Mission One: Lamp
Status: Failed Utterly.
Lame Excuse: I went to three stores that had lamps and looked at MANY and rejected them all the basis of being stupid or ugly or too expensive or wrong for the room or---well most I rejected because I was not able to TELL how it would look. I didn’t find a lamp I could PICTURE there, belonging and perfect. Then I came home and got on the internet and looked at about 70 more lamps and rejected THEM all for the same basic reason.

At one point, Scott caught me waving my arms and making sprouncy hands at the corner, as if SUMMONING the shape of a particular lamp that would BELONG and live in HARMONIOUS BALANCE with the space.

He said, “Is that helping?” in SUCH warm and patronizing “there’s my darling little mental patient” tones that I had to whack him in the leg with my shoe. Hard. Today, he came home with a TRANSITIONARY lamp he got at Wal Mart for 12 bucks. Here it is:

newlamp.JPG

I can replace it, he says, as soon as I am capable of choosing a lamp.
That means never.
Fine.
I have decided I love it. I LOVE MY TRASHY 12 DOLLAR WALMART FLOOR LAMP, YOU HEAR ME?

The globes are FROSTED PLASTIC!!!! Every time I look at them, I want to eat a pudding cup. Not the good JELLO kind from your grocer’s refrigerated section, either. The HUNT’s MYSTICAL PUDDING CUP, you know, the milk free type that does not have to be refrigerated and can be stored in a pantry for up to nine years and then safely consumed. It’s just that kind of lamp.

For the anal rententive among the FTK regs – YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE, I offer the names of the books stacked closest to the NEW LAMP…these stacks are what I just read or what I plan to reread or what I am reading now:
THE EVIL B.B. CHOW
THE FOUR LOVES
A bound galley for a book that is not out yet, called GARDEN SPELLS I have not had a chance to read it yet, but it sounds good.
UNDER THE BANNER OF HEAVEN --Borrowed from Karen, sitting out so I will remember to return it to her. Under that is another books of hers about the care and feeding of African Gray Parrots.

The other stack, the smaller one, contains
WHAT I LOVED
COLOUR
(the two above were birthday presents from my UK Publisher. I am reading What I Loved right now and it is FLOORING me with its beauty)
SOMETHING BLUE

Mission: Get Dog Enrolled in Anti-Naughtiness School
Status: Failed Failed Failed
Lame Excuse: Spent too much time LAMP shopping? Heh. Going tomorrow.

Mission Three: Sit in front of my computer, reading my spam and laughing until I snork coffee out my nose.
Status: Completed.
Winning Spam: Titled, “Hey to Joshilyn!”
Opening sentence was, “Ever dream of having a larger more thinker peniz?”

Not particularly, no. Although, NOW THAT YOU MENTION IT, I wish penizes in general, as a …species? Is that the correct word? Could be just a LEETLE more thinker. I would worry less about my daughter entering puberty. Alas, Senor Peniz tends to be a LEAPER who does not care to look first. The impetuous rascal. I am not saying he doesn’t have his good points, but I would never accuse of him of committing philosophy.

LASTLY, On SUNDAY I went to the FABULOUS indie kids book store, LITTLE SHOP OF STORIES and I want Maisy to go LIVE there. I meant to get her a PRINCESS PUPPET for her birthday before I left and FORGOT….GAH…because Bethany Jackson, one of the interpreters who REALLY helped me on the research for BETWEEN showed up and we got to nattering. Only downside to this club was, I began to hate where I live. Every time I go to Decatur, or Fairhope, or Oxford, I begin to hate where I live.

When we moved here, it was the country. Now we have Chili's and traffic and less and less goats every day. I freakin' hate Chili's. No, that’s nto true. It’s GREAT to have Chili’s in the airport when you want a big cocktail and some Texas Eggroll things. But not by my HOUSE. Now we have lost all our little family owned eateries and the woods around us are being leveled to put up ugly 400K houses that look like saltine boxes and have no trees. I have not seen a snake in my yard in two years now. When the SNAKES are leaving, OH My Best Beloveds, you must begin to plot your own slither out.

BUT ON THE OTHER HAND. I like my house, Wal Mart Ho Lamp and all. Scott likes his JOB . I like my little plot of woods and my crick and I LOVE my church family and I love my friends here. So. It isn’t easy to uproot and leave all that.

But Decatur breaks my heart. It has all the little SHOPS AND RESTAURANTS that real people who LIVE there own, and all the women in this MOMMIES WHO READ book club seemed like MY kind of people. My WEIRD got way loose and I was very much myself with them. I was very----perhaps TOO --- comfortable. YOU, best beloveds are USED to my weird. It gets out here all the time, but I try to keep it on a leash, albeit a long, loose one, when visiting with people I just met. One likes to be polite.

AND YET! Whenever I do stuff in Decatur or Fairhope I get this HOMEY feeling, like I am…among my kind. It’s very restful and appealing, and OH how the weird likes the chance to run loose.

Ah well. We’ll see what happens.

Posted by joshilyn at March 19, 2007 7:22 PM
Comments

Oh, I don't know. I sorta like the lamp. I'm stuck with ugly antique lamps from the Grandmother-in-law, because they are the only things my non-sentimental hubby is sentimental about. Go figure.

Posted by: Pattie at March 19, 2007 7:49 PM

Thanks for telling us what the books are. I'm much satisfied.

Posted by: Leandra at March 19, 2007 8:04 PM

Kudos to Mr. Husband for thinking quickly and decisively. He has now granted you all the time in the world to go forth and find a lamp worthy being housed in the same space as your beloved painting. . .or atleast until THIS lamp is broken.

Posted by: Roxanne at March 19, 2007 8:07 PM

hehe, your weird...it would LIKE to gallop up to people and stick its long healthy snoot in their privates and just kinda SUCK UP GREAT GULPS of their self-fulness through its snootfulness...but it is just too polite and restrains itself VISIBLY with lots of wagging and a look in its eyes like "OH GOSH WE HAVE KNOWN EACH OTHER FOR MANY WHOLE SECONDS NOW AND I NEED TO KNOW YOU BETTER IN ALL YOUR GLORIOUS SELF-FULNESS CAN I NOW HUH HUH HUH PLEASE CHECK THE BOX THAT SAYS YES YOU CAN RIGHT NOW PLEASE PLEASE"
hehehe, at least that is how I picture it on its MySpace page or something!

Posted by: Elena at March 19, 2007 10:03 PM

*sigh*
No, the entire shelf is bugging me. That red & black book looks so familiar. It's driving me nuts.

But thank you SO much for the laugh. It's been a day...family members scary sick...and finally, I laughed, over the pudding. What's with that pudding? The sound (of my laughter) was so unexpected and strange that my husband came down the hallway and said, "Did you just LAUGH?" Really, I can't thank you enough.

Posted by: amy at March 19, 2007 10:27 PM

I am sorry you are having family illnesses.

The red and black is Water For Elephants. :)

J.

Posted by: joshilyn at March 19, 2007 11:20 PM

Amy, I secretly wanted the whole shelf, too, but was afraid to ask. :) I've been home for three days with two small sick ones, too, and I find Joss' posts to the almost perfect antidote, don't you?

Posted by: Leandra at March 20, 2007 6:09 AM

"Is that helping?" *snorfling with glee* Dude! Mr. Husband totally cracks me up! And so do you. =)

Posted by: David at March 20, 2007 7:41 AM

Thanks, Joshilyn.

Posted by: amy at March 20, 2007 8:10 AM

Leandra, my wish to see the whole bookcase full wasn't even secret. I freely admit it. If I ever come to your house (the generic "you" meaning "anyone") I won't go poking around in your closets or medicine cabinet or anything (unless I need an ibuprofen and you tell me to get off my lazy ass and go get it myself..heh) but I will absolutely be reading the titles on your bookshelves. If you have CDs or DVDs laying around, I'll be looking at them too.

Joss, the anal retentive among us thank you for the glimpse. :-)

(BTW, the two books I recognized without asking, by spine alone were "gods in Alabama" and the one Amy asked about - "Like Water for Elephants")

Also, YAY for Mr. Husband for taking the lamp buying initiative so you don't have to think about it and can move on to other things. Then someday when you least expect it, you'll be wandering around a store and there it'll be - THE lamp you couldn't find this week, and you can bring it home with you....wherever "home" is at that point.

Posted by: DebR at March 20, 2007 9:28 AM

Oh you make me laugh so hard! I choked on my coffee at the thinker peniz!

Posted by: Melanie Marie at March 20, 2007 10:07 AM

I LOVED Water for Elephants!!! (I loved your books too!)

Posted by: Melanie Marie at March 20, 2007 10:08 AM

Oh, the Wal Mart Ho Lamp is all the rage right now. Didn't you hear?

I get the snake thing. When we moved in this house I was completely creped out that we saw 2 water moccasins crawling around the yard within the first month. Ugh, hate snakes so much. But now, no snakes. I miss them because I know what that means.
*sniff*
Yes, we got a Chili's this year too.

Maybe they fill their quesadillas with snake meat, and THAT's where all the snakes are going.

Posted by: Michelle at March 20, 2007 10:20 AM

If I like the Wal Mart Ho Lamp, what does that make me? Hmm? It would be a good reading lamp next to my new chair in the living room (until I too find the perfect lamp)

Note to self: must find a walmart to look for $12 Ho lamp

Also have to say, I love, love, loved WICKED! Nice poster. Di you see it with Idina and Kristen? FAB-U-LOUS!!!!!

Posted by: Patti at March 20, 2007 10:34 AM

Yay! Thanks for the book titles.

Posted by: Aimee at March 20, 2007 10:53 AM

I think you need to move to Athens. I have it on good authority that you can send your kids to school with goats, there.

Posted by: Mir at March 20, 2007 11:25 AM

I'm so glad you have a copy of Garden Spells. It's by a good friend of mine who is so brilliant, and I kept meaning to say that I knew this other brilliant Southern writer she should send it to for a blurb, and I was all ready to contact you about it, but because I'm a flake I totally forgot, but it looks like the universe read my intentions and took care of it for me. I love it when the universe gives up on me dealing with my to-do list and takes matters into its own hands.

Posted by: Shanna Swendson at March 20, 2007 11:39 AM

My ho lamp says "wassup" to your ho lamp.

Posted by: Heather Cook at March 20, 2007 11:50 AM

You miss the snakes in your yard? Xanax fast, someone please.

What is it with lamps? It took me decades to find the right lamp.

Posted by: Cele at March 20, 2007 12:19 PM

I LOVE your lamp. I have an almost idential one form IKEA in the UK. I just told it about yours.

Know what you mean about the restaurants and shops ours are going the same way.

Posted by: Jas at March 20, 2007 1:53 PM

You know, it sounds somewhat terrible to say I'm glad someone else is an equal failure in what she sets out to do, because it makes my own failures seem somehow less guilt-inducing. It sounds bad on the one hand, but on the other, hey, that's the truth!

We have a puppy, too. She's a Jack Russell Terrier. Last week she ate part of the sofa. This week she gave it back. I feel your pain.

P.S.: It's been fun squinting at your bookshelves. Next time could you take a photo closer up? It's impacting my eyesight, but at the same time it's an obsession I'm hopeless to curb.

P.P.S.: Recognized Water for Elephants right away! If there's a prize for this please forward.

Posted by: Bluestalking Reader at March 20, 2007 2:50 PM

I can so look past the $12 wal-mart lamp to the Wicked poster :) I am going in June to see it!

Posted by: Whitney at March 20, 2007 6:04 PM

I think Walmart is the antichrist...but I do love to go to the dark side late at night, because they do have anything you would want or need for cheap, cheap, cheap!

Posted by: Andrea at March 20, 2007 6:06 PM

OMG! Our snakes disappeared when the Chili's opened here, too! Hmmm, I don't think I'll ever eat there again (because our snakes lived in Chem-Lawn Green suburbia and would be very sickly poisonous, doncha think?)

As for the lamp, well ... while I, too, am light-fixture-impaired, I had the good sense to marry the guy who can not only make a lighting decision, he makes ALL lighting decisions. And damn good ones. So I never have to go there ... Wal-Mart, that is.

Posted by: Patti at March 20, 2007 8:27 PM

Your mention of Fairhope *killed* me. I lived in Silverhill (and also Fairhope a little, if that's possible, because part of my family was there and, hey, it's only ten minutes away) while I attended USA in Mobile and now I live way freakin' up north and I WANT TO GO BACK.

Posted by: Casey at March 20, 2007 10:18 PM

Yike! It's Frankenlamp. I mean the top there is like your basic floor lamp kinda thingie, then, there about half way up, grafted on, is this kinda Eames era??? Bauhaus??? somethingorother light. The plasticness is not an issue, nor is the price, however. And you've got two sources of light, so even if one bulb goes, you're still covered. The Hub done good.

I've just been rereading gods in Alambama, and I still cried over it. You are so good, Joshilyn. I can't wait for the new one. I still also want to spring for the audio CD of Between, cause I just know listening to you read it is going to make it perfect.

Okay, done sucking up now. /;+) Let there be light.

Posted by: ZaZa at March 20, 2007 11:35 PM

Y'know, it just occurred to me that the waving your hands and making sprouncy hands at the corner thing actually DID help. I mean, Scott appeared the next day carrying a lamp, didn't he? Just sayin'...

Posted by: DebR at March 21, 2007 8:51 AM

Touche, DebR. Very astute observation.

Posted by: Roxanne at March 21, 2007 10:13 AM

I am soooo using Sprouncy in conversation this week.

SPROUNCY!

Love. It.

Posted by: Liise at March 21, 2007 5:58 PM

I agree with ZaZa. I have the audio book and Joshilyn reading DOES make the book better. My friend, Tiffany, has been reluctant to listen to books. I finally convinced her to at least TRY it and I am starting her out on Between, Georgia. She will be hooked on Joshilyn and hooked on audio books. Oh no, does that make me an audio PUSHER??!!

Posted by: Rhonda at March 21, 2007 6:30 PM

HEY. I have that same exact lamp. It lights up my life, it gives me hope to carry on! It lights up my days and fills my nights with song.

What I'm sayin, I reckon, is I like my ho lamp. I hope yours brings you many years of pleasure, as well.

Posted by: Janet Mc at March 21, 2007 10:10 PM

I have a similar ho lamp taking up space in my attic. The hubster won't part with it. men are weird.

Lewis' the 4 Loves is floating around my house somewhere, waiting to be read and loved dearly.

My son just had me PAUSE his cartoon while he went to pee. *hangs head* DVR has spoiled us.

I know that was completely random.

I hope you will be back in Jackson when your new novel is released. I need a Joss ration.

Posted by: Heather at March 22, 2007 3:42 PM

I can't believe I'm going to admit this but I totally have that same heinous lamp

Posted by: Tiff at March 22, 2007 5:38 PM

"When the SNAKES are leaving, OH My Best Beloveds, you must begin to plot your own slither out"

Good advice. We live in the country and they recently opened a casino not too far from here. I'll let the snakes tell me if and when it's time to move.

Posted by: Melessa at March 24, 2007 4:06 PM

Sorry! I would have reminded you, had I known.
It was really great seeing you again. As a result of this blog, my name is finally google-able. Like I said, (my) life's work, done.
Thank you so much for everything. Shine on!

Posted by: bethany at March 29, 2007 3:26 AM