March 18, 2007

Lamp-Lorn Dog Lover Seeks Pretty Internets

*looks up*
Oh. Hi. I’ve been in fictional Pensacola. I know there is actually a Pensacola. I spent a goodly chunk of my childhood there. But I wasn’t IN that one. I was up past my eyeballs in TGWSS, doing line edits over the phone with The Editor. I’ve decided she should have Caps and be nameless and blonde and scary and six feet tall. Also have fangs. She isn’t, actually, any of those things, but somehow The Editor, written like that, looks SPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKY.

Now that it is DONE, I realize the number of things I have been saying, “AH! I will do that just as SOON AS THE BOOK IS DONE” about has grown and grown and grown until it is a foul brown behemoth of a To Do list. If I don’t knock some size off it this week, we’re going to end up chaining pretty girls to rocks and letting them be eaten by it, hoping to propitiate the monster.

For example, my Website has not been updated regularly, and to an IRRESPONSIBLE degree. You’ll see on the sadly neglected APPEARANCES page, I am going to a children’s bookstore called LITTLE SHOP OF STORIES in Decatur to speak to their Mommies Who Read Book Club. TODAY. AT 2 PM. I meant to tell you 3 weeks ago, so the Decaturites among you could come…Alas, I didn’t. AH well, if you are a Mommy who reads, and you have read Between Georgia, and you read it in or near the city of Decatur, please join us.

SO that’s ONE thing off the list. The other list items I am actually going to check off TODAY are

1) Find a LAMP for my freakin’ office. My office has no overhead light or built in light source, so currently this is the only thing between me and working in the dark like a savage:


It doesn’t GO in my mod-pod office. It does not even GO on the FLOOR, if we want to be picky and technical. But it was a WORKING LAMP and when my old black floor lamp died and went to live in the basement (item on list #1,456,938 is CLEAN OUT BROKEN OLD FURNITURE AND ETC FROM BASEMENT) it was all I had free to light my office. So. LAMP! TODAY!
Also today and I am going to find OBEDIANCE CLASSES for my AWFUL dog and sign him up. He is actually the sweetest dumbest most adored pile of lice to ever grace a carpet, but he is not without flaws.

SAMPLE FLAW: Bagel has taken up counter surfing. He is so devoted to the sport I wouldn’t be surprised to hear him begin to use counter surfer lingo, like, “Yo, Dude, I caught this totally gnarly SPOON. RAAAAAAAAAAAAD thick coat of dried Kraft Mac-a-chee… I was like, Blue Box, Dude. SCORE!”

Nine times a day now, I hear the clatter of something being stolen off the counter and I leap up and run for the kitchen saying “BAYYYYYYYYYYYYY! GULLLLLLLLLLL! in my deepest, cruelest I-eat-dogs demon voice, and as I charge into the room he drops the stolen object and cowers like he expects to be beaten with a garden rake. I take the object saying, NO! BAD DOG! NO!, and then he slinks away, SO sorry, peeking back at me so I can SEE how sorry he is in slump of his remorseful shoulders and the downtrodden apology in his repentant eyes. Then I come back in here and sit down to work, and….Thumpitty Clatter, he is back on his board, sex waxed to the max and cruising for my cereal bowl. WIPE OUT!

I thought, this is God’s way of telling me to load the dishwasher immediately. SO. I LOADED the dishwasher immediately, and he stood up tall on his stumpy little legs, stretched his LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG Bassetty body as far as it would go, reached out with the excesses of his pointy Beagle nose, and snatched and ate an entire loaf of wheat bread that was sitting out on the counter.

The fact that it gave The Most Horrendous Gas ever experienced by dog or human did not discourage him from trying the same trick again not two hours later with a packet of Pepperidge Farm hamburger buns. All the bread has been banished to the pantry, my eyes are BLISTERED from the fever-hot poison of his gaseous emissions, and even now Bagel is lurking in the kitchen, hoping I will forget to put the milk away.

I am finding him a Puppy Class today.
And I am getting a lamp.
And, most importantly, I am going to stop neglecting YOU, My Best Beloved of all the Pretty Internets.

Posted by joshilyn at March 18, 2007 8:10 AM

Wheat bread gives dogs gas? Who knew?

I think you need to get one of those crazy floor lamps with 8 heads in different colors. Joss? Where ya going...?

Posted by: Mir at March 18, 2007 9:12 AM

We will want to see a photo of the new lamp, of course.

We will want to see a photo or two of Bagel in obedience class too.

Also, I really like the color of your office walls!! And I wish that picture was clickable to a larger size because NosyMe wants to read the titles of the books. :-)

Posted by: DebR at March 18, 2007 9:15 AM

I'm SO glad I'm not the only one who wants to read the titles of her books!!

Posted by: Leandra at March 18, 2007 11:03 AM

It is better than chocolate, Joshilyn. My dog...or, to be clear, my HUSBAND's dog, that he insisted was the only thing he needed to make his life perfect...finds my chocolate, every single time I forget and leave it anywhere below a shelf six feet up. And she eats it. If it happens to be little chocolates in aluminum wrappers, she eats the wrappers, too.

In fact, at first, the chocolate disappeared so thoroughly, I blamed myself. I thought I must just, you know, be eating much more chocolate than I was willing to admit. But then we came home sooner than she expected and caught her in the act.

It's very bad for her, too, so I have to feel guilty on top of deeply annoyed and chocolate-deprived.

Posted by: Laura Florand at March 18, 2007 11:36 AM

Yes bassets love to counter surf, cowabunga dude!
Basset owners are people who love to say that the breed is just big dogs on long legs. Hmmm, I've said this many times before. Problem areas... garbage munching, counter surfing, body odor (big arguement in my house.)

Yo, dudette. When you learn the trick to stop counter surfing let me know what it is. Score!

Posted by: Cele at March 18, 2007 12:07 PM

Does that make him a whole wheat bagel?

Posted by: Cele at March 18, 2007 12:08 PM

I say you conveniently leave a small MOUSE TRAP on the edge of the counter. But that's me and I'm mean.

Posted by: Heather Cook at March 18, 2007 2:26 PM

I want to read the spines of the books, too. It's kind of a compulsion. And maybe I'm a little nosy.

Will you ever be coming North? I'd wait until the &@#* snow melts, though, if I were you.

Posted by: amy at March 18, 2007 3:02 PM

Did you manage any of it girl€?

Posted by: TIff at March 18, 2007 4:10 PM

I'm trying to picture how crafty ol' Bagel gets up on the counter in the first place. Does he have a little doggy ladder stowed away someplace? Does he have moon boots he straps on the moment you leave the room?

Posted by: Michelle at March 18, 2007 4:31 PM

Well, I can answer that the color of her office walls is called "Crocodile Tears", because, out of sheer desperation--and because they are WAY funny--I've been reading the archives and just got done with the section about the lovely artwork around which she decorated her office. I, like the rest of the free world, prefer the lady in the ginormous blue hat over the WWII space kitty, 'cause I'm just not cool enough to really love that one. But I am cool enough to admit it.

Posted by: Roxanne at March 18, 2007 5:04 PM

I have been wanting to comment and tell you I picked up Between, Georgia from my local library on Monday. I have really enjoyed reading it and I am about 2/3rds of the way through it. Beautifully written.
I read Gods a while ago, then I found this blog from Thumper Thinks Out Loud's blogroll, and read a little about Between, Georgia. I really enjoy your style, both in the books and on the blog.
Thank you,

Posted by: Tina at March 18, 2007 7:26 PM

I crying here! sconk,snort,chortle,guffaw,snicker:

my eyes are BLISTERED from the fever-hot poison of his gaseous emissions,
you have got to be the bestest-ist de-scriber type person, since my best beloved Lewis Grizzard(bless his heart and may God rest his soul)

Posted by: Desi at March 18, 2007 7:51 PM

Leave a piece of bread or something without wheat in it (for the sake of your poor eyes!) on the counter. Smear it with some - not a LOT but just some - wasabi.

Be prepared to feel like the Biggest Bad Mommy on the planet. Wasabi hurts doggie taste buds, stings like mad. A couple of times getting up there and getting bitten by the big wasabi monster might just do the trick.

But he will cry! Oh he will cry loud and long and hard! You will feel like you should take yourself to the ASPCA in your own handcuffs and slink it, knowing they will lock you up for good.

Wasabi will also keep him from chewing on stuff. Lillian did this with one of her dogs, and it worked. But it's loud-making and heart-wrenching to hear.

Doggie school is good, make no mistake, and every dog should go. But sometimes you must needs resort to Drastic Measures.

Congratulations on the line edits! That's a huge deal and you should preen and pamper yourself a bit for doing it! Good job, Peach!

Posted by: Fran at March 18, 2007 9:11 PM

Nothing is deadlier than bad dog gas! My grandson asks, "did you gas?" Bagel would have to answer "arf!" Dixie just left my house after doing a sleep over. She's a 9 wk old lab basset mix. Talk about a funny lookin' pup. She's black and has the head of a lab but the body of a basset hound. We called her low rider. Our friends had to travel to Mississippi for a funeral and Dixie stayed with us. She's home now. And picking up the little puppy "logs" makes me remember why I don't have another dog.

I too would like to know how Bagel gets on the counters.

Posted by: Rhonda at March 18, 2007 10:45 PM

If he gets on the counters like mine occasionally do, it's not all-fours catlike but standing on hind legs and cruising the counter with the front paws.

Obedience school is a great idea. Till then, here's one trick you might learn there.

Open and consume a 12-ounce aluminum can of your favorite beverage. Now go to your penny pile and toss about a dozen of those suckers into the can. Keep it near you. The nanosecond you hear Bagel going for forbidden territory, shake the shit out of it. Think of it as Pavlov's dog in reverse; if he comes to associate that behavior with that nasty noise, he may be less inclined to it.

Schubert, of course, will think this is all blithering idiocy, but then you get that way when you own the planet.

Posted by: ray at March 19, 2007 9:38 AM

Lamp, what lamp? There was a lamp in that pic?

All I saw was a bookshelf full of books, of which I couldn't read the titles. Although I do see a couple copies of gods up there.

Posted by: Patti at March 19, 2007 10:40 AM

Heh, DebR and Leandra! I just spent five minutes squinting at that picture wishing I could make out more titles other than the intriguingly British COLOUR and Something Blue.

Posted by: Aimee at March 19, 2007 11:13 AM

Some friends have a bassett hound named Bartok. He also "counter-cruises" for snacks. But he's talented in other ways, too. Check out the video link below and see what I mean:

Posted by: Jan in Norman, OK at March 19, 2007 3:15 PM

That story about Bagel is reminding me of my in-laws crazy bassett hound dogs. Both will eat whatever, whenever. They keep their bread in a drawer now, because the hounds have not yet figured out how to open it.

I still remember the time one of them got into the pantry and ate HALF A BAG of doggy kibble. We didn't want to let her drink any water in case it caused her tummy to explode. Of course, she was fine and lived to drool on me another day.

Posted by: Lindsey at March 19, 2007 4:14 PM

Get the %^&* dog obedience lessons. This is a particulary poignant lesson from me today. I just got back from the dentist and spending loads of cash repairing a front tooth. And here's the part where you say, "What could that possibly have to do with a dog, particularly your sweet, mild-mannered, Jack Russell terrier?"

Said terrier, or terrorist, was running around the kitchen with forbidden items in his mouth. The forbidden item being a particularly expensive running shoe for Princess Daughter. I sliped, connected quite painfully with the island counter-top and spit out a tooth. All the while said doggie sat and watched me do it. Had he not run like a mad man, I would not be swearing my dental insurance company to the seventh rung of hell. They won't pay for repairs to an already 'enhanced' tooth.

I suspect if I had bled more and broken bones, they would have coughed up the cash. The dog, however, probably would not have let go of the dang shoe!

Posted by: Gin at March 19, 2007 4:15 PM

Be fervently glad that Bagel will not one day (magically) switch breeds into a Great Pyrenees (which is what my dear, sweet Cotton is) and be able to forgo such silly issues as where to put his paws on the counter because his chin fits there without any assistance whatsoever.

And to the lady whose doggie eats foil-wrapped day, I was seeing how many of them I could put into a shipping box (I am not a freak, the Post Office was running a contest) and Cotton discovered said box and apparently did not mind the foil, either.

Oh, right, sorry, this is about Joshilyn and her woes. Which are many. And huge. I am feeling much sorrow and pity in your direction.

Posted by: Casey at March 19, 2007 4:16 PM

Dogs have nothing on cats in the stealing food department. I had one particularly determined little guy who managed to work a louvered door open far enough that he could squeeze under and make his way up to about the fourth shelf from the bottom and eat a whole box of Tender Vittles. Another time I left a beef kidney thawing on the counter overnight for cat treats the next day. He was unwilling to wait. All that was left the next morning was about an inch of styrofoam and a very sick looking kitty cat. Talk about gas! Of course, a cat can't put out the volume a dog can. Hee.

Congrats on finishing those edits! That is indeed cause for celebration. Can't wait for the book to hit the shelves. (((hugs)))

Posted by: ZaZa at March 19, 2007 5:43 PM

I have a counter surfer too. Will eat ANYTHING (including the packaging) Bread, Irish potatoes, cake, bananas....

We also have a cat who likes refried beans. Interestingly enough, he's not the one with toxic tooties. Go figure.

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I'm the proud owner of a bad dog too. Mine's latest thing is hitchhiking.

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