March 13, 2007

Murderous Rage, con't

Remember ALL those people I didn’t kill? Yeah. Well.

AFTER spending that quality time on the phone with the Comcasticles, after Mr. Husband went and RE-ENTERED the credit card info on the web (no doubt using the proper credit card terminology) and after he had set it up for the new card to pay for cable into perpetuity…Comcast shut my cable down. No phone, no internet, no TV. My cell was out of juice, so off it stayed until I got the word out to Scott.

They had shut us off for not paying the cable bill we collectively spent more than hour trying to pay. So, all my restraint was WASTED and I was FORCED to go down to Comcast and slaughter them all like meat goats. The only person who escaped my wrath was the little badword who stole the credit card in the first place, but this is only because he doesn’t work at Comcast. As far as I know. I have my suspicions.

Shockingly, Comcast seems to be working BETTER now that it is entirely manned by contrite corpses, although I am considering firing the customer service corpses and putting in a gaggle of hamsters, thinking this will lower the hold time considerably. I am also going to swap out the hold Muzak and only play old Pixies and Indigo Girls tunes. You’re welcome.

On SATURDAY The Best Birthday Party In The History of Time happened. Sam turned ten, and Snake-tastic Reptile Wrangler Ken Panse came to wave a VERY unhappy alligator at him in honor of the event. DUDE. That thing hissed like a steam engine and was four feet long and SERIOUSLY wanted to kill us all. Will you think less of me if I told you the 13 year old stoner boy who lives in the pit of my small black heart thought it was hysterical that the mad alligator was named Hummer? I poked Scott with my elbow and said “Heh. Heh. He said hummer.” I tried not to do it. Failed.

To say that the party was SUPER GREAT is to perpetuate the LARGEST understatement to ever fly on this hyperbolic blog. To say there has never been a greater birthday in the history of man, even counting when whats-his-bucket built the Taj Mahal for that chick he liked MIGHT be a slight overstatement. But only very slight.

Highlights included but were not limited to

----1 pint worth of sea toad releasing 7 gallons worth of sea toad pee in a SPECTACULAR display of please-don’t-pick-me-up-and-eat-me. He was also inflatable. No, really.

----A plain brown bag of an Egyptian scorpion glowed like green sea glass when Ken turned the lights out.

---The stunning Rosie, Panse’s 8 foot Boa, coiling the cool, sleek muscle of her tail around my arm. It was like holding the living personification of the word lithe.

Ken got Rosie when the folks at a national park called him to come catch and remove the BIGGEST dern copperhead they had ever seen. And he found instead an exotic South American Beauty cut loose by a Georgia river. Sam and my niece got to hold her…


I also wanted to include this pick of Lucinda the tarantula, mostly because the COW on Sam’s T-Shirt is having about the same reaction to her hairy splendor that I had….


Oops. I just remembered the Taj Mahal was built because she DIED. Not for her birthday. Yowch. But it was STILL the best. party. ever.

Posted by joshilyn at March 13, 2007 8:22 AM

Totally feeling your pain on the Comcast bill. On Saturday, we got a sweet note from the electric company informing us that we were in imminent danger of being completely shut down for nonpayment. So we tried to call them, but, you know, they're closed for the weekend. Completely. And my husband IGNORED the large warning not to pay a past due account via Paypal, so I'm thinking that any minute now, we could be sitting around in the dark....

Posted by: WG at March 13, 2007 8:35 AM

I'd like to have seen the snake. And the peeing toad and glowing scorpion sound interesting. But that creepy damn spider would have had me shrieking like a little girl and RUNNING from the room immediately. (shudder)

Sam is looking WAY too grown up these days. But I'm glad he had a fabulous birthday! :-)

I think you showed remarkable restraint to merely murder the Comcasticles, since murder followed by drawing, quartering, heads on pikes, etc. would have seemed to me to be a perfectly reasonable response to their actions. Bah! What's up with you doing what you're supposed to do and idiots messing up your life ANYWAY?!?? That is a trend which must stop!!

Posted by: DebR at March 13, 2007 9:06 AM

Too many funny things in your Comcast post for me to even touch. . .but COOLEST. MOMMY. EVER. What an AWESOME party for your boy. I am the coolest.wife.ever. because I allow my science teacher husband to own (and house during holidays and the summer) an 8 foot Boa, an Australian tree frog, a tarantula, a corn snake, and various and sundry turtles, fish, and frogs currently including sone huge honkin' bullfrog tadpoles. They normally live in his classroom, but they're all in my kitchen for spring break. You get all CAPS 'cause you seemed to actually relish the reptile/amphibian kingdom rather than merely tolerate it like lower case me.

And I'd have had the same Beevis and Butthead reaction to Hummer. . .I've been known to say "Heh, heh, heh. He said ______________." just to amuse the man. If I do not, indeed, house a 13 year old boy in part of my soul, I'm good at fakin' it.

Posted by: Roxanne at March 13, 2007 9:13 AM

Wow, dudette, you make me realize what an incredibly bad mom I was. Bummer does rhyme with hummer. Kewl, spider.

Posted by: Cele at March 13, 2007 10:27 AM

Reptile wranglers are way kewl!

My neice's 6th birthday was Saturday, and I was impresssed that my sis rented a inflatable jumpy thing for their backyard. But the reptile wrangler tops the jumpy thing, for sure!

Posted by: Edgy Mama at March 13, 2007 10:33 AM

Oops, I meant niece. Damn i before e rule.

Posted by: Edgy Mama at March 13, 2007 10:34 AM

Look at that haircut! You turned him into an almost-teen with that. *sniffle*

Posted by: Mir at March 13, 2007 11:29 AM

Did it not occur to you to bring the alligator to Comcast on your next visit? To make sure the corpses are all dead, you know. Can never be too sure.

You may have been separated from my husband at birth. Every time a sentence is spoken that happens to have two "do" in a row (ie, "I do do the taxes." Or whatever. I don't, do taxes that is, but you know what I mean.) He chuckles like Beavis--or Butthead, I forget which--and says, "You said doodoo!"

Posted by: amy at March 13, 2007 11:44 AM

What an awesome birthday idea! I've got a little guy turning 6 on April Fool's Day, and this will be his first party where we're inviting school friends (whose parents we don't know--YIKES!). I can't think of anything that would endear me more to people I don't know well if at all than a whole lot of creepy crawlies! Sadly, I fear that there is no such thing as a reptile wrangler in these parts. You really are an awesome mommy!

And what marvelous restraint! I would still be tempted to go down and stake and behead the Comcasticles Contrite Corpses.

Posted by: Jessica at March 13, 2007 11:50 AM

Hairy spiders = nightmares for the rest of the week! *Shudder* I say find out where the Comcasticles live and put the spider in their bed while they're sleeping. I'm trying to teach my 4 year old to like bugs, but between fire ants and spiders things aren't looking too good right now. (Okay, I know that technically a spider isn't a "bug", but you know what I mean.)

Posted by: Leandra at March 13, 2007 12:00 PM

I admired your unwarranted restrait with comcast. I can't believe they still biffed the whole thing. I just had a miserable *customer service* escapade with B of A. (The B and A now stand for all kinds of inappropriate words in our house now.) I applied all kinds of logic during both lengthy conversations and still didn't get anywhere. Anyway, I hope you are spared any more grief.

Posted by: Lisa Milton at March 13, 2007 12:14 PM

I think that I would be crawling up drapes and freaking out about that hairy spider! but you definitely deserve the cool mom award for getting near it with the camera. I'd probably take out the massive zoom lens and stand in the other room.

Posted by: Heather Cook at March 13, 2007 2:23 PM

We were just switched from Time Warner to Comcast and now I'm horrified.

Posted by: Tiff at March 13, 2007 4:35 PM

Leandra - Spiders are TOO bugs! They're not INSECTS, but anything little and creepy crawly with an exoskeleton is a bug in my world!

That alligator is just too cool! Love the snake! And yes, I do agree with the cow on Sam's shirt ;-)

Go cool moms!

Posted by: Beth at March 13, 2007 4:51 PM

Sarah Strohmeyer has a great idea: FTD Bitch Slap Bouquets. Go to the comments to her post today at the Lipstick Chronicles to post your own custom FTD BS Bouquets:

Posted by: hollygee at March 13, 2007 5:43 PM

Spiders are not bugs, they are aliens. ...or possibly hellspawn.

Eight legs? No problems! Octopus have eight legs. Squid have ten. Centipedes and millipedes have bunches.

Big and hairy? Heck, I'm big and hairy. That's not a problem.

Venomous? So is half of nature.

Eight eyeballs plastered all over its head like chocolate jimmies? Now THAT gives me the creeps.

I was conveniently out getting the pizzas when the evilbadthing was on display.

Posted by: Mr. Husband at March 14, 2007 7:43 AM

Hi Joshilyn! Great party! Although those things actually creep me out. :lol: This is the first I've come across your blog, and I just wanna tell you that you're one of my favorite authors! I love gods in Alabama! Greetings from your admirers all the way from the Philippines. :)

Posted by: Joni at March 14, 2007 7:58 AM

I love the FTD BS Bouquet idea!

I hate cable. Love my satellite, only not when there's a really big storm, but that's our fault for having seven oak trees right where we need to put a dish.

We have a similar Australian animal dude around here, and he is way awesome! I felt like a groupie helping him take cages out of the back of his truck. What a rock star he was!

Posted by: Michelle at March 14, 2007 8:25 AM

Mr. Husband I am totally with you on that alien/hellspawn thing. Although what REALLY gets ME about spiders is the way none of their eight legs move at the same time. WAY CREEPY!!

Posted by: Leandra at March 14, 2007 9:04 AM

YeeeUUURGGH, spiders! But the rest of the critters are uber-cool.

Can you take on eBay for me next? We spent 3 months FLINGING our money at them as hard as we could, and they still kept suspending us for non-payment, Grrrrrr.

Posted by: Brigitte at March 14, 2007 9:26 AM

Could you BE any cooler. What a most excellent birthday party indeed. Sam looks so much like Mr. Husband when he was young it makes me want to play superfriends with him like back in the day. Love Aunt "Assylon"

Posted by: Allison at March 14, 2007 6:48 PM

I found your blog about 2 months ago and LURVVVVE it! I read a couple posts when I first came here and was laughing so hard that I decided I must read them all. So I've spent the last 2 months reading all of your blog entries and today I finally caught up. I've spent many hours when I should be working, reading your blog (Don't tell my boss).

I love your books and can't wait to read Togwiss when it gets published. Thanks for keeping me laughing!

Posted by: Patti at March 14, 2007 6:53 PM

Does anyone have a "Bug Box" near them? I took my wee ones to a BugBox last year, and it was like this, except we couldn't hold the snakes. I did, however, get to hold a Madagascar Hissing Cockroach. Ewww. So if you don't have the cool Reptile Ranger dude near you, check out your exterminators in the yellow pages, and see if any of them run a BugBox.

And I love the look on the little boys face that is sitting behind Sam. It's a strange combination of intrigue and revulsion, with just a trace of fear. Nice.

Posted by: dee at March 16, 2007 8:08 AM

Wow. Sam is 10? Time Flies.

Posted by: Shawn B. at March 16, 2007 3:04 PM

What a cool birthday party for your son. Is the niece in the picture the one who became Fisher in Between, Georgia? Funny, she doesn't look Jewish!

Having boys brings a whole new form of courage to deal with creepy crawly things. When Oldest Son went off to college I had to deal with Alec, the iquana. He only ate Veg-All twice a week and a bit of lettuce but I did NOT like putting my hand in his aquarium to feed him. One day I walked into the bedroom and he had climbed out and was sitting on the top of the glass. I grabbed a plastic coat hanger and shoved him back in and closed the door. Another day, I walked in and he wasn't in the aquarium. He had gone to the window and was sunning himself, hanging on the mini blinds. I shut the door and waited till Younger Son got home from high school. He replaced him. Older Son bowed to pressure and sold him to a good home with a Mama that liked iquanas.

Cable vs. satellite - we had satellite, liked it fine. No high speed internet. Had to pressure the cable folks to run a line to our house when the trees on the neighbors property grew and closed up the hole in the sky. No more signal. Now I love cable and the high speed. We have Charter. So far - no problems.

Posted by: Rhonda at March 17, 2007 2:16 PM


I love Sam.

He is teh purdy.

If I were a child eating person (which, clearly, I am not), I would so dip him in honey and sprinkle him with powered sugar and spread him on a rice cake with Cream Cheese.


Posted by: Angela at March 19, 2007 4:20 PM

Hi Jim. You letter i received. Thanks! Photos is GREAT!!!!

Posted by: Slim at March 20, 2007 10:48 AM