February 27, 2007

More Mail

So my favorite lawyer-slash-reprobate-slash- penner-of-superfine-fiction assumed that the YOU in my open letter was actually him, and the triple mysterious enigma that is frank turner hollon wrote me back and said:

Oh ! The tortured writer routine. I tried that once. My wife punched me in the face and told me to take out the trash. It wasn't until the swelling went down I realized she was right.

I intend to contact each resident of the little Alabama town, including the box-headed dogs and the dead donkey, and file a big fat class action lawsuit against you, the Yetti, your publishing company, and perhaps your friend, name redacted. These people will not be mocked by some rich-girl Atlanta socialite who thinks fifteen channels is not enough.

What would be enough, Missy ?

Your Friend,
Frank Hollon, Esquire

SO I wrote him back, and may I say he drove me all the way to PROFANITY and I am heartily sorry, and shall name redact THAT too and replace the BAD WORD with little stars for the gentle minded among us, aka, my mom:

DUDE! I AM TOO tortured, and people who live in the glass house of "I dictate my entire novel to my secretary" should not be tossing rocks about with such mad abandon. I got the hotel for a WEEK, a WEEK mind you for 120 American dollars. 120 bucks for 5 nights. SO. The room smelled like dog, but it had electricity. I love my husband, who let me go, and only punches me in the face if I smart mouth him. Like I am about to smart mouth you.

Prepare to feel like the s*** you are. I am essentially writing about my grandmother, and she UP AND UNEXPECTEDLY DIED in the middle of this book. Now I am butt up against my deadline and I had a two month period where I couldn't write about her. YES, YOU FEEL BAD NOW, and so I will be needing I think 128 channels, thank you, with the final one being GAMESHOW NETWORK because I am the teeniest bit hot for Gene Rayburn.

If you still do not feel heartily sorry for me, may I remind you the hotel HAD NO PORN.


The chastened and elusive Mr. Hollon replied thusly:

You say Yeti, I say Yetti. Either way, the old hairy man is 40. May he live forever.

I am sorry about your Grandmother. I'm sure she would have liked to see the book finished, however, you have skillfully avoided the legal issue of stealing the soul of that little Alabama town for your personal gain. Prepare for litigation.

I didn't say I dictated my novels to my secretary. I said my secretary actually writes the novels and I sign my name at the end. It's a much better method than holing up in a suite eating raspberry danish all day in your pajamas for a week agonizing over every vowel.

Deadlines were made to be broken.

Captain Crunch

He is my favorite. I do not know why. He just is. And his secretary is one HECK of a writer. You should go buy his latest book which I have not read yet, because of all the suffering I am doing with my VOWELS. I haven’t read ANYTHING *suffersuffesuffer* and I am jonesing. If you don’t want to read one I haven’t read yet, I will tell you THE GOD FILE remains my favorite of his, although the one I linked to at the TIPPY TOP of this entry tried VERY hard to displace it.

ALSO you should buy it because my editor has NO DOUBT read this entry and SEEN HIM tell me that deadlines are made to broken, so by this time she has dispatched ninjas to murder him in his bed. His wife and little children will need the royalties to give him a decent send off. He wants to be cremated at sea, which will involve a flammable bed of planks and an untold number of expensive sets of water wings to keep him buoyant. He is a great big fella.

MEANWHILE! May I just say that THIS is the kind of ABUSIVE MAIL I GET from my little circle of lunatics? While my friend KAREN, whose book is not even OUT yet, gets fan mail like this through her MY SPACE PAGE:

Wzup! I just thought you were a jazzy female so what about me & you getting to know each other. Iv'e been only staying here for a lil time. I'm from (New Orleans) 25 with no kids. I do good for myself and stay by myself on the Westside. It would be my pleasure if I could conversate with a beautiful female like yourself. So if thats sounds gravy holla back atcha Whoodie. Another thing I hate typing so if its cool I drop you a # that would be a relief for me. Holla back @ your dude ASAP!

HMPH! She’s feeling SHAMELESSLY pleased that boy in his EARLY TWENTIES found her hit-up-on-able. And *I* turned 39 today---TODAY!!!! 39!!!! And may need MORE than 128 channels after all.

I am OLD and my husband is OUT OF TOWN on my BIRTHDAY andandand I am so completely the OPPOSITE of cool that I had had to look up WHOODIE on Urban Dictionary, and if you are under 25 now would be a good time to hit on me just to make me STOP the ENDLESS pity party and busy myself sticking your hip-slang-infested mash note in Karen’s face.

Now you say, JOSHILYN! YOU SURE HAVE HAVE BLATHERED ON A WHOLE LOT! Does this mean you finished the novel? And I, who have been up since four this AM working on it turn a glaring, bloodshot eye your way and say, “Shut. Up.”

Or perhaps I say, “Shut up and mail me a secretary.”

Posted by joshilyn at February 27, 2007 4:46 PM

Happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (note the 39 very happy happy's!)

Posted by: Kristin at February 27, 2007 5:13 PM

Happy Birthday!

If it makes you feel better, I'll be 43 in three weeks. REALLY, really OLD!

Captain Crunch made me laugh loudly. I know there's fancy Internet slang for that, but I'm so old that I feel silly using it. Is "conversate" a word?

Everybody sing "Happy Birthday to Joss" really, really loudly. NOW!

Posted by: Edgy Mama at February 27, 2007 5:14 PM

Happy Happy Birthday! 39 is not so bad. It's the new 29! (Really, it is)

Posted by: Jennifer G. at February 27, 2007 5:18 PM

Happy Birthday, my whoodie.

Posted by: Karen Abbott at February 27, 2007 5:19 PM

oooh I am older than you, yet still 39.

Happy Berfday.

Posted by: Liise at February 27, 2007 5:36 PM

Birthday's are just a wonderful excuse to spoil yourself! I just had the second anniversary of my 25th birthday plus 2- now we're talking old - my parents were ancient when they were this age. But amazingly I'm not old at all. Just getting slightly calmer with age! - So make yourself do something wonderful for yourself today and enjoy it!!!!!

Posted by: Cathi at February 27, 2007 5:49 PM

I just turned 25.

Wanna come to town and have dinner, a movie, maybe go back to my place? I think you are pretty.

Does that help?

Posted by: Heather at February 27, 2007 6:59 PM

Happy Birthday Josh and remember, you are not getting older, just better and better like fine wine. And when we get past a *certain age* we are ACTUALLY allowed and encouraged to go into the liquor store and actually purchase wine bottles that do NOT come with a screw top lid! It's kinda of a right of passage and the older you, get the more expensive the wine gets, and nobody, I REPEAT, nobody is allowed to say a blessed word.

Now onto the subject of lawyers/writers/comics. I used to work for a group of lawyers (one of which was my brother-in-law, and yes we still speak), and I always wondered why half of them are always aspiring novelists. It's because 1.) They don't do squat-the paralegal does everything, they themselves just sit in the office, listen to clients and pass kleenex. 2.)They listen to a whole bunch of crap that nobody, but nobody would believe half of it. 3.) If they don't take flights of fancy into fiction, they will be either drnking or doing drugs or a combination of the both to forestall insanity and finally 4.) Typing words like thereinafter does something to the brain.

Posted by: gin at February 27, 2007 7:11 PM

Fo shizzle my nizzle! It's yo' b-day? Well Happy Birthday!

Posted by: Dawn at February 27, 2007 7:14 PM

Oh happy day!
If I were a guy, and 10 years younger, I would hit on you because.. you are pretty. But alas, I am NOT a guy. And I am 34. But, you are STILL pretty. Really. Very pretty. *pets hair of Joss* Very. Very pretty.

Did that work? If not, you're on your own, kid. Short of sending you my little brother in the mail, I don't know what else to do.

And Karen is totally hit-up-on-able. I mean, she's one of the Hot Chicks.

Sorry about the no spa, no room service, no gym, no 128 channel hotel. That sucks. You suffer so much for us. We appreciate that. Really, we do.

Just one last thing, then I'll go...


Love ya, Joss!!

Posted by: dee at February 27, 2007 7:51 PM

Awwww . . . . you are SO pretty!!!

I have a little sister that is 25. Want her? Her husband won't mind, honestly.

I know, I know, shut up and find a secretary. Got it.

Happy Birthday!!! :)

Posted by: Michelle at February 27, 2007 8:35 PM

Happy Birthday!
How's about an under-25 male secretary who types 95 wpm?

Just a thought.

Posted by: amy at February 27, 2007 9:25 PM

First, happiest birthday wishes.

Second, am I the only one that got caught up on, "popularized by cash money records" in the urban dictionary definition? Which Urban Dictionary users knows what a record is?

Third, get that book done. I've had Between sitting on my nightstand since Christmas when I read it in a few days. I leave it there as a reminder to find something to read - but the bar is set so high. How can anyone live up to my expectations now?

PS: It turns out there's an alternate spelling for "whoodie", it is "wodie". If the kid had used that spelling I totally would have known what it meant. Hahaha. I jest. I still wouldn't have known what it meant. Now I'm even more uncool than I was when I started. Great. That's fab.

PPS: Will Alabama Booksmith have signed copies of the new book too?

Posted by: Cat at February 28, 2007 1:27 AM

I had a student hug me Monday night, and then he farted. Does that make you feel better?

Happy Birthday, Joss!

By the way I am happy to know that you sweat the vowels, and it wasn't agonizing over bowels.

Posted by: Cele at February 28, 2007 2:59 AM

39? Aren't you a little young to be having trouble with your you-know-whats? *squints and re-reads entry* Oh, VOWELS! I'm sorry, I'm 48 and I can't see for cr*p. Trying to avoid the whole glasses/contacts/lasik thing till I'm, oh, idunno, 80 or something. Your lawyerly friend is a hoot. Reminds me of a guy on another of my beloved authors' blogs. That one claims to own the whole universe. Put those two in a room together and they could probably solve the energy crisis and then snark at each other about who should get the royalties for it.

Happy, Happy Birthday, Joss!

Posted by: David at February 28, 2007 7:50 AM

Puh-leeeze...I'm going to be turning 45 in two weeks so you don't get any sympathy from me about turning any age that still starts with a 3. You DO, however, get sympathy from me for not having a nice secretary to finish your book while you go get a pedicure or something. Everyone should have a secretary, or a wife or something. (Including me. I wonder if I'd get one if I asked for one for my birthday. Hhhmmm....)

Anyway, slightly belated Happy Birthday!! You're very, very pretty in a "you totally look 25" sort of way, and you have great hair and great shoes, and if I was single and either a man or a lesbian, I promise I would hit on you. :-)

Posted by: DebR at February 28, 2007 9:39 AM

Yay you! Happy Birthday! I am so looking forward to reading this next work of yours!

Posted by: Keetha at February 28, 2007 10:28 AM

SURELY there must be a 25-year-old hot male secretary who types 95 wpm for sale somewhere? Let's all chip in and then we can share him. But you can have him first because it's your birthday. Happy birthday!

Posted by: Aimee at February 28, 2007 11:06 AM

Happy Birthday, you.

Posted by: parrotzmom at February 28, 2007 3:27 PM

Happy happy happy birthday, you young hot thang you!!!

Posted by: Cornelia Read at February 28, 2007 8:17 PM

Happy Birthday! You are way cool.

Posted by: Roxanne at February 28, 2007 9:38 PM

You do know 39 is the new 25?
It's true. It came to me in a dream.

Posted by: Stephanie at March 2, 2007 12:10 AM

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