February 12, 2007

Cable, Ca-Blues, Kablooey

Let’s all say Comcastic together, and let’s say it like it is the dirtiest word in the universe. The cable, she has been fritzing on and off and on and off and on and off, leaving me without internet, phone or television for long stretches. ALWAYS the stretches when I want to blog or when Supernatural is on, as if the cable KNOWS Scott is out of town and I am electronically helpless.

ALL the major appliances know Scott is out of town.

The heater, crouched in the attic like an evil Dalek, keeps snuffing its own pilot light and then giggling in an evil robot voice. It is, by the way, FREEZING here. The heater is just WAITING for me to try and fix it alone. SO far I have thwarted it by calling Scott every stinking time and having him walk me through the RELIGHT, but if he doesn’t come home soon, I am going to mistakenly believe I understand the process, and EXTERMINATE myself. The unit will shield itself, explode the house, the kids, the dog, the cat and me, and sail off unharmed to try to assassinate Christopher Eccleston. <----by the way, if you followed the references in this paragraph, you are an ENORMOUS geek. You have no defense. ACCEPT IT.

(The following Digression is for geeks only. Cool people should leap down to the next paragraph: I think Christopher Eccleston is the hottest man since Spock. I am not kidding. TOTAL huge crush. Double yum, ears and all. When he showed up as The Invisible Man on Heroes last week, I leapt up and screeched THAT IS DOCTOR WHO! WITH A BEARD! WHERE IS THE TARDIS??? WHERE IS ROSE TYLER???? DOCTOR! STOP BEING INVISIBLE AND GET A HAIRCUT AND LET’S MAKE OUT! The dog looked at me accusingly, like I was Hester Prynne, but if the DOG’S husband had left HIM for ten days, he might consider a brief snog with a Time Lord, too. Not much worse than a Judgemental Canine. Sheesh.)

Back to the great appliance revolt…The dishwasher has FALLEN THROUGH THE FLOOR. I can’t explain it any better than that. It is still in the kitchen, mostly. It’s just fallen through the floor a LITTLE. It’s TILTED or something. Like there is a sub floor under the real floor and the back half of the washer has busted through and SUNK three inches. If you kick it and scream profanities, you can get the door wedged open and shove dishes in, so I guess this one is hardly worth mentioning...

The hot water heater is vile and ailing. One day, MONTHS ago, I ran Maisy’s bath and the water came out looking like LIPTON TEA. Scott went and talked to his friend the internet (see, he was HOME, so the CABLE worked) and then he bought a part and dragged some tools off to a secret place where the water heater lives. (NO idea where that is, quiet frankly, and I never saw a thing loitering around the basement or the attic or a closet or wherever they live and said THAT MUST BE THE WATER HEATER. They could be as mythical as UNICORNS and Scott could have "fixed the water heater" by sacrificing a bullock on the Magic Water Gods altar for all I know. I wouldn;t say, OH LOOK! A WATER HEATER, if one came into the kitchen and made itself a grilled cheese. I don't know if they are the size of a bread box or a buick, even. They are a mystery wrapped in an enigma to me, and I LIKE IT THAT WAY)

He banged tools around and later he said, “I replaced the blahblahblah and ran the blah blah to flush out the blahhhhhhhhhh. It is now fixed but…it’s not forever. The tea color is RUST – the system is OLD…Next time this happens, we have to replace the water heater. Could last a week. Could last another year.” It lasted four months, WAITING for him to leave town, and now we have Lipton water again and I am just taking fast showers and telling myself rust is full of skin antioxidants that reduce fine lines and encourage the production of collagen.

Just in case the fast showers weren;t making me smell bad enough, the washer and dryer are broken. Most times, the washer and dryer wash and dry clothes. This happens several times a week, all without my interference or even understanding. Sometimes, all my things are dirty, and I say, “OH BOOGERS, I have no SOCKS!” and I steal some of Scott’s. Soon after that, I hear the washer chugging away, and then the hum of the dryer, and BOOM! I have socks again, neatly folded together in happy pairs and resting in the sock drawer.

NOW? With Scott gone? They just don’t seem to DO that, even though ALL THE BASKETS ARE FULL OF FILTHY THINGS and I have said SEVERAL TIMES now that the sock situation is becoming dire. Yesterday I worked out in a pair of black yellow toe dress socks that I pilfered from Scott’s drawer, and STILL the washer remained silent and dry. It’s like Scott not only left TOWN, but he took the magic washer fairies with him. That’s just cold.

Much like my house, now that I think of it…freakin’ heater system, and I can’t call Scott to walk me through it at 5 am.

We who are about to blow ourselves up salute you.

Posted by joshilyn at February 12, 2007 5:09 AM
Comments

Hmmm.....Not to mention that even *if* the washer fairies were doing their jobs, all of your clothes would come out tea-colored and stinky because of the rusty water heater situation. Blech. Wanna come on vacation with the kids and animals to Virginia? Our house is warm (even if it is freezing cold outside)... Of course, barring that, you could move into a hotel room for a few days until Mr. Husband comes home and fixes the whole house........if you pay them, they'll even do your laundry there!

Posted by: JenA at February 12, 2007 7:32 AM

Of COURSE you can call him at 5am! How else are you gonna teach him not to leave town for ten days?

Posted by: alala at February 12, 2007 8:10 AM

Entries like this are not helping me to quell my crush on Mr. Husband. I still swoon every time you talk about him doing laundry.

Posted by: Mir at February 12, 2007 8:46 AM

You need some kind of paper cutout of Mr. Husband to trick all the appliances into thinking he is still there. At least you still have the fairies that clean up after sick children.

Christopher Eccleston was like the BEST DOCTOR EVER. All brooding yummy fantastic. You are a double geek if you caught the Star Trek reference on Hiro's father's car last week (every self-respecting geek knows who played Hiro's father).

Posted by: Jennifer G. at February 12, 2007 8:59 AM

oh, dear. is scott coming home soon? would you like to come over to my house and take a shower and do some laundry? i don't work (in an office, for a paycheck) on tuesdays, and tomorrow i'll be home all day while cable gets turned off and dhl and direct tv get turned on. we cleaned the bathrooms this weekend too! hang in there!

Posted by: liz at February 12, 2007 9:00 AM

Okay, (1) my appliances do this TOO, when my husband is out of town. He is out of town RIGHT NOW, in fact, so I am all twitchy and whatnot because (a) cold here, too and (b) NO CLEAN SOCKS.

And (2) I not only understood and followed all your uber-geeky references, I AGREED with them.

Posted by: Badger at February 12, 2007 9:15 AM

Isn't Scott due back today? (I hope!) If not, maybe it's time to go visit your parents or check into a hotel for a couple of days or something. Just a thought...

And BTW, I think appliances are all part of some evil conspiracy. Sounds like I'm acquainted with more of mine than you are with yours but still...STILL...the ones that are alien to me KNOW when J is out of town and they just crouch there and wait for that moment to malfunction. Bastards.

PS to Jennifer G: I LOVED the Star Trek reference on Heroes. Cracked me up.

Posted by: DebR at February 12, 2007 9:35 AM

I think the obvious solution to this problem is to immediately cart yourself off to a swanky hotel the moment Scott leaves town. Then you don't have to deal with household issues and the bills will teach him to stay home...may I suggest Chez Wilson of Kansas City? The swank factor may not be high enough but you're always welcome...and the water is the right color! ;)

Posted by: Amy-Go at February 12, 2007 9:51 AM

O baby!

Solar hot water. If you can wait til Scott comes home to research the system--it's clean, you ALWAYS have hot water, it's environmentally the RIGHT thing to do, and you can get a huge tax credit for it.

It does seem that the universe conspires to make my kids sick, my cats kill small critters in the house and the toilets overflow, whenever E-spouse is out of town. Damn, he's leaving Wednesday. Fear and loathing.

Posted by: Edgy Mama at February 12, 2007 10:28 AM

Oh man! Jason is gone right now too and I cant wait to see what happens while he is away.

Posted by: Whitney at February 12, 2007 11:01 AM

Christopher Eccleston is the angry-young-man of the Dr. Who's. (although I hate to tell you this, he's been replaced by David Tennant.) I like his Dr. Who, but I still like Tom Baker best.

Posted by: bob at February 12, 2007 11:42 AM

Dalek! Yeah, I can all too easily imagine my appliances assuming the aspect of Daleks when my fix-it man is out of town. If it starts yelling, "EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!" then you know you're in big trouble.

I must be a big super geek too, because I jumped up and down and squealed a little bit when I realized the Invisible Man (Claude) was the Doctor. Of course, I did that too when Hiro's father showed up, too. That show just gets better and better.

I have to agree that Christopher Eccleston is a fantastic Doctor (and yummy besides), although I'm pretty fond of David Tennant as well. I didn't think I would be, but he certainly grew on me over the last season. Gotta love those Time Lords!

Posted by: Jessica at February 12, 2007 11:55 AM

Oh, so sorry. All the weird, annoying, miserable things happen when husbands are away. I am actually wondering at my strange luck that my toddler's stomach bug hit while my husband was home between trips. Perhaps the universe thought she owed me one. Very, very grateful I have my own washer/dryer, as the laundry piled up alarmingly quickly.

Every time he travels my slack-jawed awe at single parents increases even more.

Posted by: amy at February 12, 2007 12:15 PM

In the words of Roseanne Rosanna Danna

"It's always Something!"

Posted by: Cele at February 12, 2007 12:19 PM

Jelly babies! Sarah Jane! I cried when that twit LEELA or whatever her name was came. OH! SARAH! Not til Rose was a Who-ite half as darling as you!

Yes Tom is the penultimate Doctor, but...C.E. is HOTTER. All I'm saying. What do you think of David Tennant? I saw him come in after Rose made fly-boy guy immortal and C.E. burned up, but have not watched that season as I am afraid. In that brief 2 line intro he didn;t seem different ENOUGH.

I need to wait until my C.E. love abates to Tennant has a CHANCE to not be hated as an interloper.

Posted by: Joshilyn at February 12, 2007 12:19 PM

I had to go back and re-read the sentence when you wrote "dalek". You're a DW fan, too? Yay! And, yes, Christopher Eccleston is scrumptious. Now I will have to start watching Heroes to see if his episode turns up.

Too bad you don't have a sonic screwdriver (with CE to operate it) for your appliances.

Posted by: Elizabeth in Raleigh at February 12, 2007 12:33 PM

Joss, dear, I knew you were Southern, but I had no idea you were also a FAIRY TALE DAMSEL. You truly need a caretaker for when Mr. Husband is off doing the Out-Of-Town-For-Multiple-Days thing. I'll see if I can line up Johnny Depp for that, since I know you find his personage at least nominally tolerable. *VBEG*
I must say my appliances are all very well behaved. Of course, some of that may be due to the sun-bleached corpse of The Last Water Heater Which Dared To Fail Me laying in full view in the back yard. *even bigger VBEG*

Posted by: David at February 12, 2007 1:28 PM

Christopher Eccleston = yum, yum, yum

I too cheered when he appeard on Heros. Actually, I cheer EVERY time the storyline switches back to him.

I can't imagine a world where we are actually UNABLE to see such a beautiful creature, beard or no! I fear that he'll be on far to briefly and they will kill him off, leaving me with another hole in my heart.

I'm waiting for Netflix to send me Season 2. I figure by then I'll be able to give D.T. a fair chance. Ok. Now I sound like a crazy stalker, so I'll shut up...

Posted by: Jackie at February 12, 2007 9:07 PM

I can totally sympathize with the "everything falls apart" thing. We've had quite a bit of that here in the last six months or so. I may have you beat with the whole NO heater (I don't mean no working heater, I mean no heater at all!) and NO roof for six weeks during the coldest and only wet part of this last winter. Not only that but hubby WAS home and he was so stressed out that half my stress was dealing with his stress. I did the only sensible thing and got on an airplane and stayed 600 miles away for almost two weeks. When I came back there was heat and a roof.

I also heart David Eccleston. Having no previous Dr. Who experience, he was my FIRST and TRUE Dr. Who love. I was in the middle of this new relationship when I ended up in England and saw Rose cavorting with some NEW guy who, in dawning horror I realized was D.E. replaced! I was all waily waily! No! Until.... I saw David Tennant in Casanova and was able to fall into lust for him and then I decided to make room for two Dr. Who's in my heart.

My hubby gets huge spousal points for buying me both season one and two for Christmas this year.

Posted by: Laume at February 13, 2007 12:43 AM

I've only seen one episode of Dr. Who with David Tennant, I like him so far. I have to bounce back & forth between the Sci-fi channel and BBC America for my Dr. Who fix. I liked Sarah Jane too, but I kinda liked Leela. she didn't take any crap from anyone, while Sarah Jane screamed alot.

I started watching Dr. Who back during the Pertwee years.

Posted by: bob at February 13, 2007 10:34 AM

Comcast bought our Suscom, so we gave them a shot and we hated them. No more cable for us.

Oh, and I eem to remember you being fond of great first lines in novels. Got one for you. Sarah Dunant's Birth of Venus opens with: No one had seen her naked until her death.

Posted by: Heather at February 13, 2007 2:46 PM

I already knew you were absolutely the coolest person EVER and that we would be BFF if we didn't live thousands of miles apart, but the Dr. Who references just totally clinched it. C.E. was delicious and I was CRUSHED when they replaced him but I must admit I am loving David Tennant as the new Dr. He is much more puckish and a little helter skelter while still being skinny and geeky enough to be compleltely HOT.

It is good that my dh never leaves me alone with the children for extended periods of time because something dire would surely happen. I am definitely the crab in our relationship.

Posted by: Rachel at February 13, 2007 7:42 PM

Christopher Eccleston as Dr Who= Yummy
Christopher Eccleston on Heroes= Creepy
I was never this geeky before I met my husband.... at least that's my story ;)

Posted by: Laura L at February 13, 2007 10:24 PM

I'm not listening, I'm not listening, I'm not listening. (My husband will be going away soon and I'm SO NOT LISTENING)

Posted by: Heather Cook at February 13, 2007 11:54 PM

My first Dr. Who crush was Tom Baker. I like David Tennant, but Christopher Eccleston is the first Doctor I *haven't* compared to Baker. I tolerate Tennant, but I still get irked once in a while that Eccleston left so early.

If you don't already, you need to watch Torchwood.

You also need to make arrangements to have some sort of temporary fix-it houseboy for the times when Husband is AWOL. Seriously. If you find one, let me know. I may need to borrow him from time to time, since my other half only fixes things if they are the computer or light bulbs. The latter only because he can reach them, and I cannot.

Posted by: Alix R at February 14, 2007 1:23 PM