February 2, 2007
I HAVE NOT HAD INTERNET FOR TWO DAYS NOW. We just got it back last night. SO. That is where I have been. And LAURA, of COURSE I read the comments. I check to see if there are new comments approximately every fifteen minutes all day long, when I am SUPPOSED to be working. But not when I have no internetâ€¦*martyred sigh*
There is a secretly a segue here, you just canâ€™t see it yet: my friend Julie has a most dreadful baby. He is a climb-y and a get-y, and if you look away from him for fifteen seconds, he will be standing in the center of the dining room table, an open bottle of household poison in one hand and a stick in the other, and heâ€™ll be readying to have himself a big old swallow while whacking at the chandelier like itâ€™s a piÃ±ata.
Itâ€™s partially the AGE â€“ heâ€™s nearing two, but Julieâ€™s other kids never courted hairy immediate death with such ceaseless vigor. Neither did mine. This kid is something special. Evil Ka-Baby-Nievel. He is also the most sweet natured, calm, smiley, low key child I have ever seen. When Julie takes him from the table, takes his stick, peels his fat fingers off the neck of the bottle of poison, he shrugs with good cheer and goes prowling off to find a fork to stick in an outlet or see if he can use the rain gutter to climb up onto the roof.
On Wednesday, they came over for a play date before church supper. The four older kids ran the dog down to a happy rag in the yard, and Julie and I chatted while she pulled her youngest child out of the knife drawer, off perilous steep basement stairs, down from high tottery barstools, and out from under the TV/DVD/Cable Box table where he was deciding which wire looked like the tastiest one to sink his teeth into and fiddling with the surge protector.
So after church supper, I sat down to blog the ongoing dog-cat friendship negotiationsâ€¦
(Dog: What of I come up toward you a LITTLE sideways and circle you while I make ingratiating whining noises, low in my throat? THEN can we be friends???
Cat: Sure. We can do that. Just as soon I see the demons of hell are strapping on ice skates.)
â€¦and saw I had ZERO. Also? No phone. No TV.
We called The Comcastical Cable Co, and they said, WHY YES WE SURE HAVE LOST ALL SERVICE IN YOUR AREA! BUT WE WILL HAVE IT UP IN A COUPLE OF HOURS!
We went to bed, and woke up toâ€¦.no internet. No Phone. No TV. SO we call again and they are like OH YES WE RESOLVED THAT A LONG TIME AGO HA HA. SO in short, I had to cancel all my crap yesterday and wait around for four hours for the cable repair guy to come.
He walked in and said, â€œI see from outside you have an amplifier. Where is your box?â€
I took him to the TV table, and he looked under the table----the table, remember, that the DREADFUL BABY had been under---- and he picked up a loose plug lying there, jammed it into the socket, and said, â€œThat ought to do it.â€
Sure enough, BINGO! Everything worked. Heh. I felt like the biggest moron in the universeâ€¦
Meanwhile, in the internet free days, progress has been made. Here is where we are now:
Dog: What if I WAIT until you are helpless and deeply asleep? And then what if I creep SILENTLY UP UPON YOU and lie down NEAR you--- NOT TOUCHING or anything, and I just, you know, have a PERSONAL MOMENT WITH MYSELF and I donâ€™t say anything to you or look at you or speak? Could we maybe do that?
Cat: Okay, FINE. But I still donâ€™t like you.
PS Big points if you know what the title means without resorting to google!
Posted by joshilyn at February 2, 2007 4:32 AM
Thus Saith the Lord? That's what I got when I googled it.... :)
I must confess I do not know, but it reminds of something at work TOTALSYS, for some reason everyone pronounces it "teet-sis", which makes me think of the tse-tse fly, and isn't that the one in Africa that bites with the sleeping sickness?--mercifully ends series of digression to go wash son's vomitous sheets. And blankets. And pillowcases. He's NINE and STILL can't throw up in the toilet. Gonna be a biiig hit at frat parties someday, I can see it.
too stupid to live?
am I close?
can I have one of those little foxes now?
Well, I was gonna say "Too Stupid To Live," based on earlier blog entries, but now I've decided it must be: Thus Said The Lord, "Thou art Too Stupid To live." Um, followed of course by a huge thunderclap as I am struck by lightning. Heh.
Disclaimer: "heh" Appropriated directly from our dear sweet Joss her very own self.
Glad Max could assist you in this moment of humilation. Remeber how he turned off the switch to the fan on the furnice and caused me to call a repair man. He is indeed a dreadful baby!
Ah, yes . . . the dreadful baby. I'm glad I had my own DB first, so now any subsequent NON-DBs will be a pleasant surprise and not likely to sneak up on me after years of normal-baby bliss.
I love how Bagel has to look at what he's sniffing, as if he wouldn't recognize that awful smell if his eyes were closed.
I love that you have a pet chair. Complete with side scratch post for Shubert!
My Rocky gets all irritable if I dump clean laundry in "his" chair, so he rolls around on it and gets it all dirty and hairy so I have to wash it again. Then he sharpens his claws on one of my bras. He's awfully cute though.
Diana got it first. But I've no doubt been it longer. I'm the one who calls the electrician after checking the circuit breaker, has him come out, and charges me 100 bucks to jiggle the breaker once from on to off and back again. I've driven hundreds of miles in a raging snowstorm before it finally dawned on me that we have, after all, invented the telephone and could call ahead to see if the place on the other end is actually open. "Obvious" is not my place in the dictionary.
This entry, btw, is my first sighting of Schubert aka Rotundo the Land Whale. I'd behave myself, too, if I were that dog.
Too Stupid To Live, generally used to describe the sort of character in books and/or movies who knows there's a crazed psycho killer on the loose, yet still thinks it's a good idea to wander into a dark, creepy basement by herself while wearing a skimpy nightie, at a moment when no one else knows where she is.
Hey, Joss, at least you had the excuse of a baby visitor! My husband has gone into factories run by supposedly grown-up people, where entire production lines had been shut down for hours, and solved the "problem" by plugging in one wire or flipping one switch. So it's not like you're the first or the last! :-)
Okay, my mind didn't play this trick the first time through, but how many other readers' dirty minds grabbed the capitalized word out of the second line, mentally inserted it into the first, and got
I HAVE NOT HAD INTERCOURSE FOR TWO DAYS NOW
That would be filed under TMI, which is on the page before TSTL.
That is one big cat. I KNOW you've told us that before, but seeing him in relation to the big, comfy chair that makes me sneeze even looking at in online since I am HORRIBLY allergic to both cats AND dogs, just makes him seem as HUGE as I'm sure he is in real life.
My nephew was not a DB but, right before he'd attempt to do something bad, he'd say, "You no see me."
I like how Shubert and the Bagel are color coordinated. It would have been no good if you had brought home, say, a purple dog.
Shall I tell my own TSTL story to make you feel better? Rental house, light in kitchen goes out. Replace light bulb, light still doesn't work. Call landlord's handyman, he comes out, changes the light bulb for one that ISN'T a dead bulb that I so cleverly put back in the cardboard sleeve (to keep it from breaking in the trash) and then placed back in the closet. TADA! Light magically works but now I am, officially, TSTL.
Dear Joss, you are definitely not TSTL. You are an author on overload with TOGWISS. And it was cosmically bad timing that the cable system chose that moment to go out in your area. What else were you supposed to think?
Glad to see Schubert and Bagel have a truce.
too stupid to live. Often used to describe heroine's in romance novels.
The Sky is The Limit
Thruster Selection & Timing Logic
Thread Safe Template Library
Totally Spaced, Truly Loaded
oh - Too Stupid to Live.
Oh, please don't feel TSTL. I once spent hours mystified by the TV--I had no idea what button my HT (Holy Terror) had pushed to make it Not Work and I REALLY needed PBS Kids on the TV right then. And even without anyone messing with the DVD player, I still don't really know how it works. I basically just push buttons until something happens. You've no idea the pressure, when a kid really wants his DVD and Mama is the Idiot who can't work the machine.
Plus, my toaster oven caught on fire last week. There, feel better?
Well everyone else already hit it, and isn't it sad how many of us have our own evidence of same? The story is too long, but let me just say it includes the following highlights:
Oven full of flaming salmon
Bowl of available water
Singed left eyebrow, and not my eyebrow.
Do not EVER come to my house for dinner.
I'm sure other people's TSTL stories are making you feel better, so:
We moved into a new building at work. And in the first weeks there was some adjusting, getting our phones and internet hooked up, moving plugs to where we wanted them to be, etc.
One day I discovered that neither my phone NOR my internet worked. I tried unplugging the phone and using someone else's phone to see if there was a problem. I tried all sorts of things. I complained to everyone. Finally, after about a week, they brought a guy from the phone company in to look into the problem in my office.
15 seconds after walking into my office he pointed out that the inputs for the phone and internet had "D" for Data (internet) and "V" for Voice (phone) clearly labelled on them. At some point I had unplugged them both and plugged them back into the wrong sockets.
He promised not to tell any of my co-workers the reason for the service call.
The male dog and the tuxedo cat at my house? Hate each other. Dog is blind and walks towards cat ALOT, cat hisses, dog lunges, vases get broken. *sigh*
Ha! We had that baby! We called him Baby Deathwish, he had no fear of anything, anywhere, ever. He got through the security checkpoint at Heathrow airport once, and I didn't have the right kind of ticket, so he had to be brought back to me by a VERY irritated British security dude.
Good times, good times.
Oh thank heavens, menopausal senility is setting in and I am forgetting my past TSTL indiscressions, all benefits of my formerly Totally Spaced, Truly Loaded. (thank you Bob)
Joss love the chair, true animal people know the following...
1) their pets own them
2) their pets are family members
3) their pets always win
Well, you have to admit, when I said TRUFFLES and you didn't immediately go out and murder someone, it looked suspicious about the comment-reading. But my suspicions almost immediately turned to Bagel and the possibility that he might be a cable-chewer, which turns out to be maligning him but not Baby Knievel.
TSTL...yep, that would be me!
Once upon a time at my workplace, there was an Extremely Unhelpful IT Guy (EUITG) and a Relatively Innocuous Building Manager (RIBM).
I had not been able to persuade my scanner to work for a space several days. Restarting Photoshop did not work. Restarting the computer did not work. Going through the troubleshooting checklist that we all had to perform on our own before daring to antagonize the EUITG with an actual request for assistance did not work.
In despair, I finally admitted my technical difficulties to my own manager, since using everyone else's scanner to get my work done wasn't making me any friends. Luckily, she said something to the RIBM, who paused by my desk that day.
RIBM: So, I hear you have scanner problems?
Me: Yes. Big scanner troubles. It does this (insert description of error), and I have done this (insert laundry list of troubleshooting), and (insert most dramatic sigh and pitiful look) it doesn't work at all!!!
RIBM: Is your scanner plugged in?
Me: Well, of COURSE it's plugged in! Why wouldn't it be! Look, see? Right there! It's....it's....it's.....
Me: I'll just plug this in right now.
RIBM walks away, very amused, and I nevereverevereverever live it down. At least it was not the EUITG, because he might have fed me to the demons in the basement as a sacrifice to stupidity.
Too stupid to live. I know because I frequently am.
You realize I live with the Wilson version of Dreadful Baby? And that Julie's version is coming to visit? And that I am fairly sure the two of them will find a way to burn down my house while I'm in the shower? And that even so I cannot wait for their arrival?
Smear Bagel all over with Eau de Shrimp. Schubert may begin to see his better side.