January 25, 2007

Me Type Pretty One Day

I can see in the comments that it’s time once again to drag out my standard TYPO, MISSPELLING, I FREELY ADMIT I SUCK AND I AM SHAMELESS AN|D UNREPENTANT IN MY SUCKAGE Blog disclaimer.

(Jeff, you didn’t leave an e-mail addy, or I woulda just shot you the version of this I have saved in my DRAFTS folder to send to spankers when I become a spankee for my deplorable typing and my pernicious and pervasive lack of attention to grammatical detail in my blog entries, but I didn’t; have an addy and it HAS been a while since I’ve covered this, so HERE WE GO!)

STANDARD DISCLAIMER: I spend 20 minutes a day on blog entries. MAYBE thirty if I have a lot to say. I don't proof read and I often don't take the time to spell check. It's just off the cuff casual writing, and I don't correct it anymore than I would correct an error in my puffy pink spangled diary with the heart shaped lock on it. The entries are ALL ALL ALL ridden with typos and spelling errors and homo- errors both nym and phone, and they aren’t going to get any better. I apologize to all anal people in the universe in advance, abjectly and sincerely. It’s just going to be this way.

I know there are some folks out there who can TYPE with out looking, and they can STREAM these NEAT ALMOST TYPO ERROR FREE sentences out and never say IT’S when they mean ITS. I am not one of them. I am a different type. I am the tupe that has a HUGE cabinet and it has MANY MANY MANY Tupperware containers in it, and MANY MANY MANY Tupperware lids, and none of them go with each other. I have a bag of one socks I call the island of lost socks, and I cannot fit a car, not even a little mini EURO STYLE CAR into my garage because it is full of books and half finished painting projects including a kitchen hutch that has ONE coat of blue on it from when we moved into the new house. I am cannot even claim that I do everything half assed. I do things QUARTER assed at best.

If I put the kind of time/thought/effort into this blog that I put into my novels, I wouldn’t actually have time/energy/brain space to WRITE the novels. Warner would stop paying me and I would probably have to stop writing altogether and get some sort of actual JOB which, given my COMPLETE LACK of useful skills, I would probably have to trick someone with my masters degree into thinking I might make a good middle school English TEACHER. Do you know what I mostly did while I was getting my masters degree, Jeff? I mostly sampled BEERS OF |THE WORLD and helped my friends organize MAIL BIN racing up and down the hallowed halls of academia. That was where we would climb into giant mail bins and have boys push us down the halls at warp speed. THIS IS WHAT I DID FOR MY OFFICE HOURS IN GRAD SCHOOL. Do you REALLY want to give me free reign over some young minds?

No, you cannot want that. Especially here in the already burdened schools in the state of Georgia. We're already the state ranked forty-somethingth for “educational non-suckingness”, and NO ONE wants me bumbling around a classroom getting distracted by shiny things while teaching America's children the incorrect uses of there, their and they're.

Think of the children, Jeff, and let it go.
PS, I still like you too.

EVIL VET UPDATE: I wrote a letter. In a few days, when I am less angry, I will read it obver and revise it to be less FOAMING WITH INSANE BLACK RAGE, and then I will send it in.

DOG UPDATE: The beautiful dog got adopted by another while I was dealing with chicken pox/impetigo/contact dermatitis. We are back on the match.com dog love market, and I am winking at a blue tick coonhound, a mostly bassett sort of object, and this weird pale dog with smiley eyes who looks a demented yellow fox. They are all NEARLY right and one may be our dog. We’ll have to go meet them.

Posted by joshilyn at January 25, 2007 1:53 PM

And Jeff? The one today is absolutely deliberate, the subtlest, most understated little tongue-in-cheek end-stop to any possible pedant's rein of terror...

Posted by: rams at January 25, 2007 2:40 PM

You can even make typing errors with style!
Don't worry Joss. We love you, no matter how many times you type it's instead of its. Really, it's no big deal. As long as you keep spending time writing your books, we're happy.
And Jeff... well, never mind. :)

Posted by: dee at January 25, 2007 4:23 PM

Yes, please keep writing books and fuggedabout the typos. I love your blog. I love your books, and in fact, after devouring your 2 novels, I am now ruined for reading any others so I eagerly await TGWSS.

Can't wait to hear what the results of the letter to EV....

Posted by: Andrea at January 25, 2007 6:20 PM

OOOO-OOOO-OOOO is your letter to EV as good as this???? Eye can't weight too here it.

Posted by: Roxanne at January 25, 2007 7:01 PM

Dude. You were in Beers of the World and didn't tell me you were up here?


That is the BBSF (best beer store forevah) in the universe.

Oh. Figure of speech, then. Never mind.

I hear Jeff's inner voice, I do. I see the ALL CAPS and resist the netiquette demand to tell you to STOP YELLING, because I see the raw goodness betwixt and between such offenses, not to mention the shit eating grin on my face when I'm reading anything you write (send me grocery lists, book club notes, even misdemeanor traffic tickets with your signature on em) because I know from how editors can spin such gold into even more beautiful gold and it's even more fun when you're there when it's gold and yet offensive to a middle school English teacher.

A former copy editor-turned-evil

(PS Your eight copies are, and I quote, RECEIVED. Audubon. Dudley. Eggertsville. Hamburg. Julia Reinstein (not to be confused with Anna Reinstein, which had no such luck.) Kenmore. Tonawanda. West Seneca. A whole county just brimming with Joss. And there's nobody (well, other than me, lacking that pesky book deal) I'd rather see there.)

Posted by: Ray at January 25, 2007 7:28 PM

OoohOoohOoooh, I think you need the demented yellow fox dog! That one sounds cool! :-)

Also, I wish we could read the pre-calm, foaming-at-the-mouth-with-rage letter to the EV because I bet it's goooooood.

Posted by: DebR at January 25, 2007 8:46 PM

Well I'm with DebR on the prenonfoamingatthemouth version of the letter to the EV from Hell. You know I just mis typed that VD and accidently replaced the V with the E and now I know why the EV from Hell is so preoccupied, he was using his hands for other things than turning the page in Vet school and now it is broken.

I have a bestest friend that absolutely love and adore, but she doesn't get blogs because the writting is informal, conversational, and uses words she doesn't understand. Hello! It's a blog.

Jeff breathe a little, it's a blog. (which is not what I originally wrote, but Joss says she still likes him so I be nice...er well there is a semblence of nice in there somewhere.)

Posted by: Cele at January 26, 2007 12:32 AM

I would mail the Insane Black Rage version. But I have never claimed to have any amount of self-control.
What typos? ;)

Posted by: Amy-Go at January 26, 2007 10:05 AM

Don't change a thing! You are on my favorite daily read list! Typos, tupperware lids, socks and all! Oh and I agree the yellow foxy dog sounds cool.

Posted by: Katkin at January 26, 2007 10:58 AM

Do you want my bag of lone socks? Maybe you could make some matches...

Too bad Jeff didn't leave an email. We could have sent him some gift certificates to fun places, so he could go out and have a life instead of nagging poor beleaguered writer/mother type people about their grammer (Ooh, Jeff, didn't that one STING? Zot! Made you wince).

Posted by: Sueb0b at January 26, 2007 11:23 AM

HAHAHHA Don't kill Jeff! Good grief! I DO still like him, quite a bit, ackshully, and I have more than once let his dog kiss me on the mouth. He has a greyhound, and I like all things hound.

He is a NICE MAN who happens to hates homophone mistakes, and LORD KNOWS I MAKE EM, so it was time for my standard disclaimer is all.

STANDARD DISCLAIMER, SHORT VERSION: I suxxor. I am unahamed and unfixable.

Posted by: joshilyn at January 26, 2007 11:48 AM

I suppose my vocabulary correctionitis comes from 25 years of dad trying to edify his little Katie and Sammer. When they left the nest the pressure was too much. Ha!
I'm glad you are the way you are or i wouldn't almost be in tears when you tell of wee ones climbing into bed with you and scratching up your legs with toenails and such. Thanks for that.

Posted by: Jeff at January 26, 2007 12:48 PM