January 16, 2007

A Conversation with Universal Commenter

….that is YOU, except I am folding ALL of you into a single person for the sake of tidy dialog. Will you mind the folding less if I tell you are five eleven and a size six with FANTASTIC wavy hair? You are like TELEVISION pretty, not real life pretty. You are also misty and ethereal, as if you are being filmed through CHEESECLOTH!

In fact, as I sit here in my exercise pants with my toe polish chipped and my dirty hair in a ponytail, I wish I was folded into the amalgamated you. But then we wouldn’t have anyone to talk to. Also, gentlemen, before you get irked that you are being forced into girl shoes, please realize that I have given you a perky bosom, and that here in this great country of America, you have the unalienable right to spend the whole conversation looking at yourself naked in the mirror.

ANYWAY. Here is our talk.

You: Well, I just bought Gods ----

Me: OMG! You just got PRETTIER!!! How did you DO that?

You: I know, right? Anyway, now I have to get Between! Is it on Audible?

Me: Why yes, it is.

You: HOLY CRAP! What is THAT?

Me: That’s Schubert. The cat.

You. You weren’t kidding…Is it possible that Schubert has... I don't know... a thyroid problem?

Me: Vet says no.

You: Maybe he is borderline diabetic?

Me: Maybe he is borderline a walrus.

You: Maybe he is eating somewhere else too?

Me: He is an indoor cat. With the one eye and the strong desire to murder all other cats, we don’t think outside is a good option for him. But he could be ordering in Chinese food.

You: Crab Rangoon FTL. Schubert NEEDS A CAN OF TUNA!
Me: Schubert needs a can of whoop-ass. He is very dastardly and I bet when my Amex bill comes, I’ll see 795 dollars worth of eggrolls have been dropped off here while we were sleeping.

You: Is it more of a Maisy-feeds-him-constantly-when-you're-not-looking problem?

Me: DING! DING! DING! I suspect the cat is subverting my minions and making them feed him. I see no other explanation.

You: Your cat apparently has my metabolism.

Me: Dude, you’re a size six. Shut. Up. The cat has MY metabolism.

You: Four actually. I lost a whole size so I could go star in The Devil Wears Prada Two. I had something similar happen with our diabetic schnauzer. He finally had to go on diabetic low-cal, low-fat, tastes-like-shingles-in-little-kibble-shaped-bites dog food.

Me: Yeah Schubert is ON THAT FOOD too. HOW did he gain two pounds on DIET CAT FOOD?

You: I return to the Maisy theory, and suggest she is floating the kibbles in cream like it was French cereal.

Me: *dour* I need diet kibble, too. I exploded over Christmas.

You: And yet, and yet, you have an odd glow about you. Are you perhaps, why yes, you ARE! I recognize that doe-eyed googley look. YOU ARE IN LOVE!

ME: WHY YES I THINK I MAY WELL BE! You are gorgeous AND intuitive, and if you would JUST stop staring at your own topless image in that shopfront window we might become best friends. But anyway, I do not know if it is LOVE, but I have a crush. I have been cruising the personal ads online, and I think I MAY have found a match for my family. Hpefully we will get to have a coffee date with him in the next few days and see if we click.

You: Did he post a picture?

Me: Yes. Peep this face:

Posted by joshilyn at January 16, 2007 5:03 AM

Super nice looking dog! Hope you have a nice coffee date with him. Love your story about your cat. I have a Lab that would eat until her stomach exploded then go back for more.

BTW, I just finished GODS IN ALABAMA and loved it. Can't wait to read BETWEEN, GEORGIA.

Posted by: Lynne at January 16, 2007 6:15 AM

Hey, you lifted pieces of my comment for that, and I am a size 4, bitch.

(Kidding. Don't hit me with your toned-from-flailing arms.)

Did Scott really agree to go look at that handsome dog who is SMILING in that first picture? He's gorgeous!

Posted by: Mir at January 16, 2007 8:19 AM

Aaaawwwwww....your family NEEDS that doggy to come live with you. Look at that face!!!

Posted by: DebR at January 16, 2007 8:59 AM

PeeeeEssssss: When conversing with our lovely amalgamated selves, you forgot Desi's "caloric air" theory of weight gain and I'm still totally buying that one. Just sayin'.....

Posted by: DebR at January 16, 2007 9:01 AM

Diet cat food is a sham! My cat will not STOP gaining weight on DIET IAMs!! It's a conspiracy. See, it's cats that work for IAMs, not humans. They're out to fool the human population and make us feel horribly guilty about the fact that they're overweight. Ultimately, cats are behind our mental illness numbers. I have it on good authority.

Posted by: Eighmee at January 16, 2007 10:34 AM

I'm sorry, were you talking to me? I'm still admiring my perky bosom, which I assume is larger than my normal boson, which will never, alas, get stuck underneath anything. If I stay in front of the monitor all day, will I keep the bosom?

Posted by: amy at January 16, 2007 10:48 AM

Awwww -- what a GORGEOUS dog! Who could resist that face?

So does the fact that I gave not one, not two, but THREE copies of Between as Christmas gifts make me just GAWGEOUS?

Posted by: Aimee at January 16, 2007 10:54 AM

Oh, gosh it feels good to wear any size smaller than elastic waist, thank you for the illusion. Do perky breast come with that?

Posted by: Cele at January 16, 2007 11:48 AM

Yes, and maybe your new love can chase Sumo cat around the house and force him to shed an eighth of a pound. Maybe.

Thanks for the perk. I needed some!

Posted by: Edgy Mama at January 16, 2007 11:59 AM

DOGGIE!!!! He's adorable!

I do see a case of ETS, though. (Escaped Tongue Syndrome) You gotta watch that. It can lead to all sorts of other horrible diseases like stuffie killing, kiss giving, and foot snorfling ;-)


Posted by: Kestralyn at January 16, 2007 12:00 PM

ooohhh 5'11" awesome. I've already got the other stuff nailed. Yes, I know you hate me. :P

Meanwhile, to distract you from my loveliness, where can I get gods or Between to get it onto my iPod? Will that link you gave do it? I want to be able to listen whilst I peddle at the gym.

Posted by: Autumn at January 16, 2007 1:13 PM

Thanks for including me (preen, preen)

I would like to thank you too for the concept of Mental Illness Number. It is enormously valuable to me.

Also, I am not a 4 or a 6. I am.... (drumroll)


Anywhere from 14 to 18, depending on the store. Sigh. And my bosoms were no longer perky after the gestation of my one and only daughter, who is now a really expensively coiffed blonde after I dyed her hair orange by mistake over the weekend.

Posted by: parrotzmom at January 16, 2007 2:05 PM

Unfortunately, I'm not even a size FOURTEEN any more--I look upon THOSE days with longing. But thanks for the perky bosom. I am SOOOOOO glad that you are reading BETWEEN--just can't imagine that anyone could do it better than you.

Posted by: Roxanne at January 16, 2007 2:10 PM

Nothing brings a lurker out of the cyberwoods like a dog. Details, please. What kinds are in there? He looks part Ridgeback to me....

Posted by: liz at January 16, 2007 4:48 PM

I just wanted to say that I listened to Between, Georgia on audio. It was fantastic. You did make Henry quite scrumptious. I used Audible. Not to be too much of a commercial, but if you have an iPod, it is the only way to listen to audio books.

Love you Joss, and my new size 4! Which I don't think I've seen since junior high.


Posted by: Jo at January 17, 2007 6:48 AM

started gods. It's definitely your voice!

Posted by: parrotzmom at January 17, 2007 1:32 PM

Love your dog photo. I love dogs, and frankly they do more for writer's block than anybody else around here. I imagine that is the case with your animals as well. Mr. Shiloh, my dog of choice, was found on a road in Cumming, and he now knows who butters his bread.In my household the dog could starve, die and grow stiff and my family would say, "Geez mom something smells, did you take out the dog?"

Since it is almost a month past Christmas, I am not yet feeling the love for my family. They believe that Martha Stewart and the Christmas fairies move in after Thanksgiving and all the holiday stuff magically gets done. They then wonder why in January mom feels like dog dung.

Next year me and the Christmas fairies are going on strike (possibly Bermuda) and I hope Martha Stewart is hospitalized for terminal anal retentativeness!

Posted by: gin at January 17, 2007 3:55 PM

OMG I want that dog! Gimme! Serious. Gimme.

His name is Murphy... I can tell these things

Posted by: Liise at January 17, 2007 5:19 PM

Schubert still WANTS TUNA.

It's good for his eye.

Posted by: parrotzmom at January 17, 2007 6:00 PM

Size 6?? I didn't see that size since I was 11 years old, thanks for extra 10 inches too.

Well it just goes to show you do read all the comments.

As for Schubert, well he's obviously just a GI-normous, hungry old cat. If you get the dog perhaps Schubert will get more excercise.

Hope the love affair is mutual.

Posted by: Jas at January 18, 2007 4:12 AM

I do believe that fella bears a striking resemblance to Kira's Full-Blooded-Mutt-O-Love. This is a good omen. Right, Scott?
P.S. Perky bosom? That would perhaps explain why I have this sudden urge to feel myself up.

Posted by: David at January 18, 2007 7:52 AM

The tongue-tab reminds me of the friend who looked at my sleeping-cat-doing-the-same thing and chided amiably "Pull that in, sweetie. It makes you look simple."

(Though the foot-snorfling sounds good too -- and reveals a Cute Overload fanatic.)

Posted by: rams at January 18, 2007 9:35 AM

Are you replacing Scott? Because I thought he was violently anti-dog...although maybe this handsome devil won him over?

And I AM a size six now. Thank you for noticing. *Preen* ;)

Posted by: Amy-Go at January 18, 2007 2:35 PM

Adorable dog, but did I miss something? I thought Scott was steadfastly opposed to any dog capable of pooping. Is this a special genetically engineered dog or what did you do to change Scott's mind?

Posted by: Elizabeth at January 19, 2007 10:06 AM

Joss, I think we're twins....or on the way to being twins or something like that. I, too, have an extremely obese cat who is on his way to being one-eyed (something called entropion -- dont' ask!) Does Schubert have a tail? 'Cause Pigger doesn't and that might mess up the whole twin thing!

Posted by: Leandra at January 19, 2007 3:30 PM