January 8, 2007

Quintessential Random

Yesterday afternoon, I headed out with Sam to endure Eragon, his reward for reading the entire 500 page book….he’s nine so that’s a pretty impressive read. I KNOW he actually read it, too, because he had to tell me in excruciating detail exactly how the book differed from the movie. There were manymanymany ways in which they differed. Many.

If you are a nine year old boy hoping for a lot of fantastical magic-based violence and no kissing, it is the best movie ever made. Period. If you are not a nine year old boy, it’s…probably not. I enjoyed it, but I shamelessly enjoyed Conan the Barbarian, Dragonslayer, and even Krull. So. Grain of salt. Even from a seasoned geek like me, the movie gets only a moderately cool thumb up, but I will break out TWO BIG FAT THUMBS WAY UP for the the big Smoke Dragon fight at the end.

ANYWAY. I was getting ready to leave with Sam for the movie and before heading out, I engaged in the following smatter of loving dialog with Mr. Husband.

Scott: I am going to run to Target while you are at the movie. Need anything?
Me: Izze pomegranate soda.
Him: Okay.
Me: Taking Maisy with you?
Him: *looks at me like I am being a nougat-head* As opposed to…
Me: Oh, I don’t know. You could tape her to something…
Him: Like the cat?
Me: Well, you COULD tape her to the cat but I would prefer you to tape her to something stable. Like the wall. Or this bannister.
Him: I suppose I could tape her to you.
Me: Nah. The movie will scare her.
Him: Yeah. Plus you already specified something stable.

AH hahahaha! He is so witty. Or he was so witty. Right up until I killed him and ate him.

Actually I did not kill him OR eat him. Mostly because Scott may have had a POINT in not taping Maisy to me. I am NOT particularly stable right now. I am sleep deprived and working to a schedule that can ONLY BE DESCRIBED as DROOLINGLY INSANE.

To Wit: I go to bed at 8 PM, same time as Miss Maisy. I get up ---no alarm, just pop up---somewhere between 1 am and 2am. I work on the book and maybe blog until somewhere between 4 am and 6 am. Then I go back to bed and nap for an hour or two. It’s crazy but it’s EFFECTIVE. I am liking the book more and more as I work in these small dead hours that belong to me and the cat alone.

The score right now is Book, 3, Mental Health, um, ZERO, but with a deadline looming February, I accept this as reasonable.

Apropos of nothing except the state of my union (the one between my left and right brain hemispheres, I mean, not my marriage) yesterday morning in church, we had a guest preacher, and I was ----well. Not stable. I was note passing like a naughty Tween, even though, evil as I have been recently, I probably could have stood to get a good scoop of preaching.

Me *writing along the edge of the announcements*: If we got a NICE BIGGISH DOG! We could cancel our security system. Because the dog would kill all the murderers that come trooping through.
Him: Yeah, and if we named the dog ACKERMAN, we could leave the security signs up in the yard and they would still be true.
Me: THAT IS BRIL! Can Ackerman be a LABRADOODLE?
Him: I was kidding.
Me: Oh.

I tried to listen to the sermon, and it was about how we are lambs; and how when we get lost, God leaves all his flocks and comes to find just US because our relationship with God is personal.

The preacher said, “God calls you back by NAME.”

And Scott passed me a note that said, “Sometimes I think I am the lamb that God calls “Dumb - - -.”

He really did the little LINES like that, not wanting, I suppose, to write the word “ass” on our church bulletin that we would most likely forget and leave in the pew covered with arguments pro (me) and con (him) LABRADOODLE and very little that could be considered Godly or even decently human.

Which really, don’t you think I NEED A DOG, right at this moment? RIGHT NOW? With the yard still not fenced and with a BIZARRE work schedule that is BOUND to lead to mental sleep dysphasia syndrome? I just made that syndrome up but I SUSPECT…

1) ...it causes one to eat hydrogenated-oil-filled-foods and then get one’s son’s super soaker water gun and fill it with unsweetened blue raspberry Kool-Aid and climb up a water tower to spray anyone wearing white on the theory that it is definitely AFTER Labor Day.


2) ...they already have a drug for it. And an obnoxious commercial for the drug that will tell you to please self diagnose and then ask your doc about the SPECIFIC drug you think you need because hey, they probably OWN your doctor and if you come in and ASK for it he will certainly scribble it on a pad for you. The commercial will tell you in great detail exactly what symptoms you need to trot out for your doc to give you the drug (“I can’t stop with the Twinkies, and even though I KNOW the fashion industry INVENTED WINTER WHITE a while back, I can’t help feel a helpless wash of blue tinged rage whenever I see someone wearing it in JANUARY...")

PS: The drug probably will wreck your liver and cause sexual dysfunction, but luckily, there are pills for THAT too.

Do I have to say the disclaimer? You know the one, about how I KNOW there are actually sick people who actually need drugs and that my issue isn’t with medicine but with COMMERCIALS that hawk pills like they were shiny red scooters? I don’t have to do that HERE, right?

The commercials work though--- someone is even buying all that CIALIS from the people who can’t spell the word “YOU” but who never the less think they are qualified to supply me with many fine prescription medications and who send me 50 – 100 emails every dern day to tell me so. I know the e-mails MUST be effective marketing to SOMEONE, because Viagra is being gobbled up by all kinds of guys, many of whom no more have “ED” than I have mental sleep dysphasia syndrome. Except I may have that. SO they no more have “ED” than I have… a Labradoodle. Named Ackerman.

I saw it on Scrubs, which is TELEVISION! So you KNOW it’s true. Plus then I risked all manner of truly creepy pR0n to GOOGLE it---the things I do for you! I must TRULY love you!--- But hidden in the festival of resulting ick, I found a slightly more credible source for the increased recreational use of Mr. Happy Pill----USA Today.

Some dark days, right about 4 am, the only thing that can make a girl feel cheerful about the state of the world is one of these…

Posted by joshilyn at January 8, 2007 3:53 AM

You cannot kill and eat Scott, for he is the only person in the world who knows how to manage Deadline Joshilyn, plus he does laundry.

And now _I_ want a labdradoodle, thankyouverymuch for that link of extreme cuteness, SHEESH.

Posted by: Mir at January 8, 2007 8:58 AM

Ohhh, those labradoodles are the cutest, ever. And they are hypo-allergenic too! Did you tell Scott that? Because they're interbreed with poodles they don't shed and they don't have allergenic dander! How cool is that?

Also, check out the q-t pie Golden Doodles:

Posted by: Edgy Mama at January 8, 2007 9:16 AM

okay. we have one of THOSE and may i say, they are the MOUTHIEST breeds ever. ever. on the face of the earth. aside from the fact that she's eaten the modling on the porch, a giant rubber worm lure on th beach, five--that's right FIVE glass light bulbs, and every personal item she can get her paws on, she IS adorable and sweet natured and goofy. and, true to the ads, she does not shed.

Posted by: kyra at January 8, 2007 9:28 AM

My sister-in-law is an Ackerman. She might even be available for security duty. Just give her the Kool-aid filled super soaker and you're good to go! Maybe not...then where's your argument for the 'doodle? Scratch that.

Posted by: Melisa at January 8, 2007 9:57 AM

Here's a thought - I seem to remember that your entire family has birthdays coming up. Perhaps you, Joss, could buy Mr. Husband a fence for his birthday and then Mr. Husband could buy you a labradoodle named Ackerman for your birthday.

Posted by: DebR at January 8, 2007 10:09 AM

Okay, I want a Labradoodle! And I live in an apartment, so I can't have one. *pout* However, I think DebR's solution is BRIL.

Posted by: Aimee at January 8, 2007 10:38 AM

Yes, they are cute, but please research the breeder carefully. The second and third generation of this breed is showing a lot of genetic problems.

Posted by: Sue at January 8, 2007 11:22 AM

Oh. My. Stars. No more coffee for you, young lady.

Posted by: Roxanne at January 8, 2007 12:30 PM

Oh my... I want a Labradoodle right this moment. Although my senile old border collies would certainly be distressed.

Posted by: Serenity Now! at January 8, 2007 12:43 PM

Oh, mi gosh. He's cute, but can you lift him into the bathtub? That is my criteria anymore for a dog. Don't get a bassett, they hate bathes, and while they are great companions, Arlos is at 85 pounds. That is right folks. 85 pounds of stinky, bath hating bassett.

Oh, wait, lab, poodle equals bath loving doesn't it?

Posted by: Cele at January 8, 2007 12:49 PM

Or you could name him Lunestra and then you wouldn't mind if he licked you. In your sleep.

Posted by: rams at January 8, 2007 12:51 PM

Or compromise by getting tree-goats:

Posted by: rams at January 8, 2007 12:55 PM

You had me at labradoodle. I'm so not a dog person, but that one is adorable. Can they breed out the need to scoop up poop along with the shedding? Maybe?

Posted by: amy at January 8, 2007 2:42 PM

Um, Tulip? May I suggest...a Mojito? Because, judging by this post, you have had WAY too much caffeine for your own good. Just sayin'.

Posted by: Amy-Go at January 8, 2007 8:31 PM

So I went to look at Rams tree goat photo. Oh. My. Goodness. I do not personally know Joshilyn, but DO NOT GET HER STARTED ON TREE GOATS TOO. She's already rescued one of the little critters, and entire TREES full of goats (as long as they are NOT Bradford pears) would enthrall her so, that she might spend all day goat gazing rather than writing decent reading material for me. . .ahem. . .I mean the general public.

Posted by: Roxanne at January 8, 2007 10:22 PM

Well, there is cheesecake. Which introduces one to the vices of gluttony, greed and lust all in one container.

Posted by: Gillian at January 8, 2007 11:41 PM

I'd like one in mini-size!!

any bigger'n that, and I'd have to send this lady in a cage.. to scoop the poop!


Posted by: North at January 8, 2007 11:55 PM

You know, cute as the dog is, I had a blast reading the OTHER link, the USAToday one. Just rolled around laughing. Very weird people out there, that's all I'm saying!
And Joss, passing notes like a Tween in church? Yeah, I do that too. Usually to the oldest daughter. One time, I saw her doing it from across church. I caught the eye of her BFF and cut my eyes towards my girl. THen I held up a paper that said one word that she could see from all the way across 9 pews..."GROUNDED". She stopped, but fast. It was pretty funny! But yeah, we make sure to take all of our notes too. Scary stuff, thinking about the PreacherMan finding one of our little mini-conversations Sunday afternoon.

Posted by: dee at January 9, 2007 11:50 AM

OK you got me ...

I NEED A LABRADOODLE! maybe 2, I like pairs.

Posted by: Patti at January 11, 2007 10:15 PM