December 20, 2006

SUPER! Also Great.

I woke up this morning with an enormous railroad spike in my head. I could feel the thick large-salad-plate sized base of it where it entered my eye socket, then feel the smaller, saucer-sized exit wound behind my left ear. I could even feel the long end-spike, driven down into the mattress, pinning me to the bed.

Then I thought, “Wait. I don’t have any nerve endings in the mattress? How can I feel that spike IN THE BED?” And I realized that reality and I, we have broken up. After 38 happy years together, I’ve been dumped. Me and reality, we aren’t seeing each other anymore.

I called my best friend Lydia and told her about the split.

Her: Oh no. How are you guys holding up?

Me: Well, Reality is going to be FINE. Reality, I suspect, has already moved on, given the pair of sneakers and the underpants I left at his house to the Salvation Army, lost my phone number, and taken up with some hard case corporate lawyer named Sheila who knows how to blow dry her own hair.

Lydia: And you?

Me: Me? Oh, I am Super! Great!

That was a lie. I think she may have suspected. My mental illness number just took a left at SATURN and is still going up. BUT, here on the Bunny Blog, let’s cheerfully wave at my number it as it passes overhead, looking like a shooting star, and then let’s ignore it. YAY!

Because of the railroad spike, I had to call Scott to bring me Motrin in bed before I could stand up. Because of the being PINNED, remember? Motrin is an AWESOME drug and I don’t understand why it doesn’t have its own parade with tickertape and floats and very quiet majorettes and marching bands with absolutely no drums. I managed to tilt my spiked head enough to dry swallow two of those blessed orange beauties.

Scott had to leave for work, so he said, “Do you want anything else before I go?”

Without thinking, I said, “A chest freezer and a membership in an organic meat club.”

It just came out.

He sat down on the bed and said, “Honey? Are you okay?

I said, “Me? I am SUPER! SUPER! GREAT!”

My pragmatic, solve-each-problem-as-it-comes beloved said, in a musing tone, “Well, okay then. But I don’t know how to find an organic meat club…”

I said, “Google knows.”

He looked at me with mingled horror and pity and said, “Baby. You really don’t want to type the words “Meat club” into Google. Trust me.”

I think he suspects me of lying, too.

MEANWHILE, I will STILL tell you about the Christmas Party thing tomorrow. It will be like Alice’s Jam, always tomorrow or perhaps yesterday, but never jam today.

ALSO meanwhile, I have a buncha folks I KNOW submitting memes, and I want to be fair, and I also don’t want to feel obligated to DO a specific Meme that doesn’t hit me right just because my MOM put it in, or NOT do a meme I would LOVE to do just because my best friend put it in and would feel like that wasn’t fair for her to win, as she knows me so well etc.

SO! Here is how it will work: I am not reading the comments. Scott is going to pull URLs and cut and paste memes into a document for me. Just the MEME. I will have no way of knowing who submitted it. That way I can do the memes based strictly on whatever meme takes my fractured fancy and HAVE A FUN TIME WITH THEM which really, at this point, I need a fun time. I need it. I need to not worry if I am hurting someone’s feelings by not doing the right meme which overnight somehow became this LOOMING WORRY, like “not picking the right meme” is this earth shattering TRUE possibility. I could RUIN LIVES if I pick the wrong meme. Um…yeah.

I’m sorry, what? How am I doing? Oh….Super great! I am Super. Super. Great.

Posted by joshilyn at December 20, 2006 9:37 AM
Comments

Joshilyn, you cheater, you are clearly trying to weasel out of telling that Boobs Stuck Under a Bed in Paris by luring people away with fox dolls and signed copies, BUT, because I, too, want a membership in an organic meat club, or to at least have a chest freezer I can fill with a bulk order of organic meet, I will share with you the place I want to order from: www.alderspring.com
It's not exactly a club, and it only has beef, but it was reviewed here:
http://www.slate.com/id/2152674/

For your migraine, this is a true story, I even wrote a whole post about it on my blog to try to help save the world: two Advil (maybe Motrin, too) plus a WHOLE bar of GOOD dark chocolate (Lindt 70% or higher will do) will cure a migraine. I swear. I did some scientific experiments: http://www.lauraflorand.com/blog/?p=30

It's worth a try, right? :)

Posted by: Laura Florand at December 20, 2006 9:53 AM

I wouldn't have thought anyone could make me giggle at a migraine and a soaring mental illness number, but I'd have been wrong. Hope you feel all Hoppy Bunny Better tomorrow.

BTW, I played Cranium this past weekend and on one of those cards where you have to do charades (I forget what Cranium calls it, but hey...it's charades) I had to act out "ticker tape parade." Try doing that all by yourself with no words! But my team got it! Yay!! (Picture me raising the roof....quietly.)

Posted by: DebR at December 20, 2006 10:05 AM

Bless your poor immob1lized spike-speared head. We have all come tromping along pounding at your heart for the wonderful prizes you've offered and inflicted our love and memes on you.

Have some caffeine with the Motrin. . .

Posted by: Roxanne at December 20, 2006 10:10 AM

Mmm... Motrin. They're jackhammering outside my building right now, so I'll be needing Motrin soon. Anyway, mental health is overrated. At least that's what I keep telling myself.

Just so long as the Christmas party story doesn't turn into PINK SOCKS.

Posted by: Aimee at December 20, 2006 10:44 AM

Oh, I hope the spike will be removed from your head posthaste.

I'm looking forward to the Christmas Party story. I hope this doesn't turn out like the pink socks story.

lol

Posted by: Keetha at December 20, 2006 11:20 AM

I'm not sure why, but your spam filter loves me. So please have Mr. Hubby check it before you guys pick a MeMe. Not that you will like mine, but I've not been turned out yet today :)

So do you have to buy a new mattress or does Motrin help it too?

Posted by: Cele at December 20, 2006 11:43 AM

My daughter Gret thinks you need to do a temp change on your background to have it look like a whole field of Floppy Eared Bunnies!

And really, people, stop posting those Memes. Not only do I want to hear all about Boobs in Paris (which, I agree with Laura on this - would make an EXCELLENT sequel to Snakes on a Plane!), but I want to win "Blame it on Paris", and I already posted a truly horrific story, in which I missed the ship and got in BIG trouble, after not even seeing Paris because I spent most of the five days in bed, and only part of that time was with a horrible migraine, and I actually DID blame it on Paris. WHEW! Deep breath! So, anyhow, want to read that book a LOT!
And hey, Joss, if you were in Paris, and you had that nasty head-nailed-to-a-bed problem, you could just send your very best beloved down to the corner store and get you CODEINE. It would totally kick that nail right out of your head. have laura send you some... ;>)

Posted by: dee at December 20, 2006 3:12 PM

OK< I dont' mean to say this out loud.. but Josh? I think , we should pay you just for the "privilage of reading" your blog.... and I ain't just givin' ya sugary.. pic me Scott.. transferance(ahem.) I am actually leading up to something.. okie dokie?

Your rants, raves, praises, up, downs and even sorrows... it's almost theraputic, with your high calibre humour, on a moments notice, and the wittiest writing I've read by anyone... and I haven't even read one of your books yet!!(true confession) not that I don't want tooo.. but but but....

Anyhoo, wishs go out to you and your fam, and your fans, for a very splendid christmas indeed.. god bless us, every "one." All the best in 2007... to ya'll.

I totally enjoy my visits here,, and I must say... your fans are an absolutely humourous bunch o'wonderful ppl.

soO, thankyou.. OK?

with loving kindness,
North

Posted by: North at December 20, 2006 9:16 PM

Here, here, North. . .I cannot count the number of times recently that I have enjoyed a wonderful (much needed) laugh while reading one of your posts or archived posts. . .of course I've also strained a rib and activated my asthma--but who cares???? Get well.

Posted by: Roxanne at December 20, 2006 9:45 PM

After MY Railroad Spike left, NAUSEA and VILE STOMACH CRAMPS came, accompanied by Ms. Vomit. Hope that won't happen to you, everyone down here in Bammy seems to have succumbed, but perhaps it hasn't traveled across the state line yet, where it will most certainly be speed trapped by the state cop hiding behind the "Welcome To Georgia! Pull Over And Let Us Squeeze Your Peaches" sign and hopefully it will spend the night in jail, sans cell phone or bad JLo movie. It is NOT innocent. I CONVICT and sentence THE DEATH PENALTY of antiviral Kleenex.

Posted by: Elena at December 20, 2006 10:12 PM

excuse me for being such a boob, but what the hell is a meme?????????

Posted by: Wikifay at December 21, 2006 4:43 AM

Reality isn't what it's cracked up to be, I advise avoiding it whenever possible.

On another topic, I'm hooked on the "Bag of Crabs" song and keep having to go back to get a fix, I hope you're happy with yourself young lady!

Posted by: Brigitte at December 21, 2006 6:04 AM

Dee is trying to get me to traffic in illegal narcotics. But that's okay, I forgive her because she said she wanted to win my book, which makes her Time's Person of the Year, as far as I'm concerned. Except, of course, that that was ME.

Posted by: Laura Florand at December 21, 2006 7:09 AM

Laura, So sorry. I totally wasn't suggesting that YOU were a drug dealer or anything. Or even that you had any sort of clue whatsoever that you could actually just walk into a store in paris and buy codeine right off the shelf! It was just such a shock for me. I'd dealt with migraines for most of my life, and while in Paris, Mr. Wonderful actually bought medicine that worked. Normally, I took some freaky blend of drugs the Navy doc liked to give me, and still I suffered. But these Paris things, oh Man! I took the suggested amount, and it was just GONE. It wasn't until later that I realized they had the good stuff in them. Now I understand why we were all specifically forbidden to enter any drug store while we were in Europe.
Oh, and another thing... I tried commenting on your blog, and it worked once, then I got sent to this page... http://www.alteaconseils.fr/#comments. As my French is rusty, I have no idea what it means...

Posted by: dee at December 21, 2006 9:23 AM

And, Posted with permission:

I have a Book Review Blog, and we're having a contest. The top prize is SEVEN of the year's best books (according to us, of course). And one of those books is, of course, BETWEEN, GEORGIA. If you'd like to check it out, please feel free.

original contest post http://deeceeonbooks.blogspot.com/2006/12/december-contest-dee-dee-pick-their.html

my Top Three with Between, Georgia as the number one pick is http://deeceeonbooks.blogspot.com/2006/12/dees-top-three.html

contest reminder is http://deeceeonbooks.blogspot.com/2006/12/contest-ends-soon-enter-to-win-now.html

or, you can just go to the main page and see them all - deeceeonbooks.blogspot.com

Posted by: dee at December 21, 2006 12:03 PM

Sigh. Every time I do anything to my blog except post I break something. And then Sébastien gets all grumpy and says, "I TOLD you not to touch anything." And then he goes and fixes it. So it is all fixed, but thanks, Dee, for alerting me to the breakage.

I would traffic in chocolate if it were an illegal substance, so I forgive you for the insinuation. I will have to look into this codeine thing. My mother-in-law is a pharmacist, but she only uses homeopathic medicine on her own family. And I prefer chocolate for migraines anyway.

Posted by: Laura Florand at December 21, 2006 1:18 PM

Okay, I've thrown down the gauntlet, see comments under December 19. All entries into the Best Paris-or-other-city-in-Europe-so-Amy-can-enter True Story OR Best Boobs Under the Bed "Made-up" Story are welcome. (Details on my blog, www.lauraflorand.com/blog/.)

Posted by: Laura Florand at December 21, 2006 2:04 PM

Hi Joshilyn, just blogging around and wishing everyone a very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Posted by: Dorothy at December 21, 2006 3:37 PM

I agree. Alice Jam or Not (sounds like a 60s band,) this feels familiar. Lift the edge of the sheet -- no, that's too heavy. As a little light exercise, slide one teeny foot out from under the covers. Unglue eyelid and look. Fall back on pillow. Nap. But it was a pink sock, wasn't it?

Posted by: rams at December 21, 2006 3:40 PM

Geez rams.. I thought you typed pink soft... and I resonated.. I think Joshilyn has had "a butterfly effect" on my own deficiency... Or, I'm just christmas'ed out...???

Roxanne. thanks!!

IF you are a choco-holic... check out the chocolate cherry wrap dainty recipe I posted on my blog.. a little work.. but YOU QILL become a closet hider, to horde the batch o'yummies.... that's my personal guarantee.. I used to make those every holiday and other assorted special occassions...

6 hours total time... people.. can you imagine the delicacy of work-ed chocolat LIKE THAT?

with a chocolate-stained toothy grin from my sweet tooth.. happy holidays!!

DO try to weave your way past the political and social issue-rants, the irrelivant thoughts though on my blog....

go strait to chocolate cherry and keep your christmas sweet!

with loving kindness,
North

Posted by: North at December 21, 2006 11:25 PM

I had a migraine only a couple times, and death was an option after 32 hours....

TIP: not sure if it will work for migraine, but it does for more minor headaches....

Place your middle finger of any hand, onto the center of your forehead, adjacent to your top of eyebrows... ti's like pressure point therapy.

YOU will be amazed, and you may have to move your finger around to find your "spot" but, we all got one, it's there, between the brows!!

PRESS there.. Oooh, doens' that feel good? Feel some instant pressure release? Feel tightness in the back of the neck/skull... release?

NICE thing about this therapy is, it's healthy, non-organ damaging... so I"d like to have a migraine sufferer try my therapy.. and gimme a shout back on results??


IT really does work, for minor to medium headache!! It's like when you get a massage, and they press that point, which feels good, but hurts good too, during massage therapy... to undo a bad muscle-knot!!

It didn't work for my migraines.. but often it's the cause of the migraine which might hinder it's pressure-release effect from the applied finger-pressure point?

North

Posted by: North at December 21, 2006 11:30 PM

Last tip on the point-pressure system... I sit in a chair with arms, or at a table.... be comfy!!

I "lean" my head ONTO my finger.. NOT press the finger to my head.. this way, you are achieving optimum pressure of your "head" where the pain is.. not your finger.. your finger is the post, to rest the pain.

Posted by: North at December 21, 2006 11:32 PM

Joshilyn...

This is so random, but I was doing a search for a favorite paint color a friend of mine used (Crocodile Tears). I came upon your blog and decided to see if you could provide me with the manufacturer of this paint. I have had absolutely no luck finding the color online. I would love to use this shade in my living room but I'm afraid it might be something that is no longer listed in a sample. If you could be of any help I would greatly appreciate it.

Thanks!
Julia

Posted by: Julia at December 21, 2006 11:51 PM

Hope head is better now.

Go to www.womensfunnyvideos.com/obgynmessage.htm

will make anyone feel better.

Posted by: jean at December 23, 2006 12:24 AM

Hi Joshilyn,

I am sorry you are feeling bad and I wouldn't normally do this on the day you feel terrible. But I am done for a bit and wanted to cruise by and wish you and yours a very Merry Christmas. Thanks for all your kindness and wonderful words.


Lovingly,

~K!

Posted by: Kismet at December 23, 2006 5:38 PM

Just wanted to wish you and yours a Merry Christmas!

Posted by: Angela Giles Klocke at December 24, 2006 3:16 PM