December 5, 2006

And you CAME and you GAVE! Without TAKING!

OKAY --- your comments on the BAD SONGS kept me giggling like a loon and made me remember things best forgot, but that are going to make a great and terrible CD. THANK YOU.

I also spontaneously, or perhaps because I was rubbing elbows with YOUR horrifying tune-memories, remembered a TRULY DEBILITATING MISERY of a song, but I can’t remember the name. I remember however, ALL THE LYRICS! ALL! I think I could sing it beginning to end without ever faltering, and if I wondered why I failed utterly at learning Japanese, it’s because I had already stuffed my BRAINS full of song lyrics in the 80’s. You never get those cleared out, apparently.

I could do the whole thing, betcha, but there is a SPEECH in the middle---the singer stops and natters in a tearful heartfelt tone about babies and make up sex in the marital bed, and I couldn’t say the speech, I am sad to report. The first verse went VERY like this

Hey LADY, yeah, YOU, lady,
looking at yer life, you’re a DISCONTENTED MUHHHHHther.
And a Regimented wife, I’ve no doubt you DREAM about,
the THINGS! You’ll never do,
but I wish someone, hadda talk with me, like I’m GONNA talk to you…

PATRONIZING MUCH? Anyway, then it goes on as this woman who has apparently whored her way across both Europe and Asia gives a suburban mother the benefit of her venereal diseased wisdom.

I think I remember the lyrics because it was a PERFECT “My Heart is a Fart” car game song. If you’ve read gods in Alabama, you’ll know My Heart is a Fart is a game I made up that I protagonist, Arlene Fleet, plays as she and her boyfriend drive down from Chicago to rural Alabama. I’ve been playing it for YEARS and it beats the STUFFING out of the Alphabet Billboard game.

You find a station playing slow country songs or easy listening ballads.. Then you chat til a good song for it comes on. You want it to be slow moving and have either AABB or ABAB rhyme scheme, and if you are FAMILIAR with the song its MUCH easier than trying to do it cold. Cold Heart Farting is for well practiced experts. Try it with something you KNOW first. You listen carefully to a line, and then you interrupt and sing OVER the next line. Your replacement line should
1) rhyme
2) make sense coming after the line you just heard
3) be WILDLY scatological
4) or dirty
5) or both.

For example, I remember very clearly in the song above a line that went

Oh, I've been to Niece
and the Isle of Greece
where I sipped champagne on a yacht
I've moved like Harlow
to Monte Carlo and showed them what I got

I remember replacing the second half with

Moved like a harlot
With Bart and Carl, and bit
Johnny on his spot

Trust me when I say this was a MILD replacement. It degenerated from there, but man do the drives go fast…remember this game as you head home for the holidays. Because nothing says "Christmas" like 26 consecutive fart jokes spicing up the Harry Connick Jr. Marathon on EZ FM.

We haven't played in a long time---since Sam started understanding ENGLISH, actually. BUT NOW we got an AWESOME DVD player that you can hook up in the car for long trips and it comes with headphones for the kids. I heart, and with both kids ear-challenged and watching MADAGASCA|R, we may have to break out the old Heart is a Fart scoreboard and have a go for old times sake...

You knwo what's awful? I think I secretly just LOVED that song, game or no game. Yarg!

Posted by joshilyn at December 5, 2006 5:04 PM

erm. I have that record. Charlayne. Never been to me. From the album... Used to Be. I could quote the whole thing but I won't...

"you know what truth is? it's that little baby you're holding. it's that man you fought with this morning. the same one you're going to make love with tonight. that's truth! that's love!"

Posted by: dynagirl at December 5, 2006 5:41 PM

I'm glad Dynagirl had the info on that song because I had no idea. However, the heart is a fart game is one I have been playing without the benefit of a catchy name for years! Who knew!

Personal fave:
Look at this face
I know the beers are showin'
Look at me drive
I still don't know where I'm goin'

I don't know much
But I know I'm loaded
And that may be
All they need to know

Posted by: em at December 5, 2006 9:56 PM

Thanks, Joshilyn. As soon as I read the post title, Homer Simpson started singing in my head:

"Oh Mandy,
You came and you brought me a turkey
On my vacation away from worky."

And I can't make him stop!

Posted by: kac at December 6, 2006 8:01 AM

Charlayne? Is that how it's spelled? The one-name, one-hit wonder woman who dominated my Summer of 82 (or 81?) with the Song That Will Be Stuck In My Memory Till I Die.

My best friend recently learned to download music and burn CDs and I was driving with her awhile ago when suddenly the words, "Hey lady..." came over the speakers and I screamed, "NEVER BEEN TO ME! You've got NEVER BEEN TO ME!! on this CD!!! Awesome!!!!" So yeah, brings back the memories.

I vividly remember singing into my hairbrush one day between classes in Grade Eleven: "I've been undressed by kings, and I've seen some things that a woman ain't s'posed to see..." when the guy in front of me turned around and said, "You HAVE??" However, my worst musical admission of shame would have to be that even now, the line, "that man you fought with this morning ... the same one you're going to make love to tonight," said with the little break in her voice ... kinda almost makes me cry a bit.

Posted by: TrudyJ at December 6, 2006 8:17 AM

"My Heart is a Fart" also works with certain Christmas songs if, you don't mind going to hell and all. :-)

Posted by: DebR at December 6, 2006 8:50 AM

Also works well when your son is practicing the same frelling song on the piano 500 times in a row.

Posted by: Laura L at December 6, 2006 10:40 AM

"I've been undressed by kings/ and I've seen some things/ that a woman ain't s'posed to see/ hey, lady, I've been to paradiiiiiise, but I've never been to me."

Good lord. I used to love that song, but it raised so many questions. First of all, kingS? I want names! And what exactly is it that "a woman ain't s'posed to see?"

I wish I could known about the Heart is a Fart game when my husband and I were driving from Boston to San Diego. As it was, we had to settle for Songs of the Egomaniac, which is when you listen to overwrought ballads, but replace every "you" with "me." As in, "How am I supposed to live without me? Now that I've been lovin' me so long?" It works especially well with Celine Dion songs.

Posted by: Aimee at December 6, 2006 10:49 AM

I wish I HAD known. HAD. Not could. Sheesh.

Posted by: Aimee at December 6, 2006 10:49 AM

I think I've played that game also, but never had a name for it either! My husband started me on it with this classic song from Eddie Rabbit:

"Ooo-ooo I'm driving my life away, looking for a better way for me"---becomes---:

"Ooo-ooo I'm driving my wife away
looking for a better lay
for me."

I have never been able to listen to the song since and sing the right words....

Posted by: Sheri at December 6, 2006 6:23 PM

Another classic, from my friend's brother:

"Havin' my baby,
What a sneaky way of sayin' we're gettin' married..."

Posted by: TrudyJ at December 6, 2006 8:54 PM

I have to correct something here. Sorry I'm a DJ. It is Charlene, and it is from the LP of the same name. I've Never Been To Me.

The Rock the Casbah commercial just kills me. Who would have thunk My heart is a Fart commercials would be so current.

Posted by: Cele at December 7, 2006 1:43 AM

We actually play the game unwittingly around here. My husband for years thought the words to the Elton John song were "Saturday night's alright for fighting, better than election year."

Posted by: dramamama at December 7, 2006 9:20 AM

I just remember that I was a VERY innocent 12 year old and I heard that song and the lines, "I've been undressed by kings and I've seen some things that a woman ain't s'posed to see", and being OH SO CURIOUS! about what a woman wasn't supposed to see.

At 38, sometimes I still wonder.

Posted by: Angela at December 7, 2006 1:21 PM

I think the secret thing women ain't s'posed to see is that sometimes, kings are not very well equipped.

Posted by: TrudyJ at December 7, 2006 7:43 PM

Bwah! I shoulda guessed, Trudy. Thanks for the clarification.

Posted by: Aimee at December 8, 2006 11:14 AM

That "I've Never Been to Me" song was on the soundtrack for Priscilla, Queen of the Desert. One of the drag queen characters lip synched to it during the movie. So I think that takes it full-circle from totally cheesy to campy-cool.

Though I have to admit that I kind of liked that song when I was a teenager. It's right in the middle of my vocal range, so I could belt it out while driving around. I also admit to having a bit of a fantasy about it, where that was the kind of thing I would say later in life to my classmates at our class reunion, when I'd had this fabulous, globe-trotting career doing all kinds of glamorous things, while they remained stuck in that small town, having babies. Of course, I wouldn't really mean all that "I've never been to me" stuff and would only be saying it to make them feel better about their crummy lives. I always thought there was a condescending tone to the song, rather patronizing and maybe with a touch of sarcasm. It was like, "Yeah, I've gone to exotic places, had amazing lovers and wonderful adventures, but really, I totally envy you being stuck here, barefoot and pregnant." Or maybe that's just me.

As for the Mr. Mister song, there was a joke on the radio when it was popular about what the guy said at the Burger King drive-through window when he was complaining about his order: "Take these onion rings and learn to fry again." And ever since then, that's how I hear that song.

Posted by: Shanna Swendson at December 9, 2006 11:15 PM