October 25, 2006

Going Around

It is. Everyone has it. No one is in school, no one is at church, and the Charmin sits unmolested on the shelves of Publix, for no one will leave their beds to come and squeeze it.

Me, I have decided it is the consumption, and I am going to go to a sanitarium and get as emaciated as any Milan-Banned Supermodel as I breath Swiss air for supper, lunch and breakfast. I shall cough red into a lace hanky JUST like Nicole Kidman in that Baz Lurman film and fall off a swing and die in a swirl of petals. I AM SO BORED OF MY HOUSE that car pool line was kinda fun yesterday. Because car pool lane was not my sofa, my office chair, or my bed. Which are all the exciting places I have visited in the last week.

In other news, I think I feel better.

Today I WILL be LEAVING THE HOUSE briefly. Very exciting. I’m scheduled to be on Atlanta and Company for the book club discussion of BETWEEN, GEORGIA. If you live in the Atlanta area, tune in to 11 alive at 11 AM and then if you wanted to be SUPERNICE you could come back here and say kindly things to me.

Sample kindly things you could say, if you are having trouble thinking of any:

1) No, honey, it didn’t look like Holly Firfer was recoiling in terror from your plague every time you spoke! And when they came back early from commercial and caught the P.A. hosing down the sofa with that stuff, I REALLY think it was just air freshener. Sure the can SAID “Industrial Bleach with Lysol,” but I think that’s the name of a spring flower …yeah….that…that grows in obscure meadows.

2) Flat hair is IN this season. You say “Limp and vile from illness,” but girls are over America are IRONING their hair RIGHT NOW trying to make it fall in JUST those exact kinds of greasy strings. Also in: Corpse pale skin, watery eyes WITH dark circles, and glazed expressions.

3) You absolutely did not sound like Harvey Fierstein in Torch Song Trilogy. You sounded like a DOVE, a COOING MELODIOUS dove who, yes, okay, might have just smoked 4 packs of unfiltered Camels, but A DOVE ALL THE SAME.

ANYTHING in the above vein will do. Shine me on, people. I have CONSUMPTION, okay?

In other news, I HAVE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING THIS CREEPY IN MY WHOLE LIFE. Wait for the intro to finish and the menu to load, then try clicking “Have some fun” on the right end of the menu bar, but be warned, “Have some fun” here means “Induce some night terrors.” OR you can avoid night terrors by clicking on the PLAY THE GAME option and I promise, you will NEVER SLEEP AGAIN.

I am waiting for the worms to turn on that one, I tell you. The STEVEN SPIELBERG-Y music does NOT help --- in fact it makes it worse. SOON an ominous cello will creep in under the warble of more cheerful instruments, and when those hungry little scissors run through the ready supply of VISA cards, they will go right after baby toes and my own personal eyeballs. I KNOW IT.

I SWAN I am going to have to go become an advertising exec because they NEED someone to stand around infecting people and coughing up blood and saying, “No. Oh honey, no. Not the scissor thing. Really. Just….no.”

Posted by joshilyn at October 25, 2006 4:03 AM

OMG ... your mentally health number must be higher than your temperature! Bogging at 4:00 am?! Go back to bed so you look like a pretty tulip for the TV ... and stop encouraging the dark rings around your eyes, 'kay?

Of course we all know you'll shine in your spot and charm all of Atlanta with you witicsm.

Posted by: Mit_Moi at October 25, 2006 7:29 AM

Yeah, but, did you watch the outtakes?? ;)

Posted by: Mir at October 25, 2006 8:36 AM

The scary page you linked to doesn't seem to want to load properly for me, but from the sound of it, maybe it's just as well. :-)

Posted by: DebR at October 25, 2006 9:30 AM

You are so right. The upbeat music makes it so. much. worse.

Posted by: Laura at October 25, 2006 10:29 AM

EEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek! Gawd. What is *wrong* with these advertising people? The cheery music is terrible.

As I post this, you are getting ready to go on TV. And even from way out here in San Diego, I can feel how PRETTY you look!

Posted by: Aimee at October 25, 2006 10:43 AM

Sick. The commercial. How do you find these things?

Glad you're a bit better. Hope the consumption isn't heading this direction!

Posted by: Edgy Mama at October 25, 2006 11:14 AM

The music reminded me of the sound track to Desparate Housewives or a B grade 1970s tv miniseries.

Posted by: Cele at October 25, 2006 12:12 PM

OK, but have you seen the excellent Toyota commercials coming out? This one is my current favorite, courtesy of YouTube, but there's also one w/ a truck and Loch Ness Monster that is truly fine...


...just to prove that there are some ad firms out there trying to get it right. yay!

I hope that right now you're sitting there marvelling at how much better you suddenly feel. Miracle cure, miracle cure! Maybe if we all clap our hands together and chant "I believe in fairies, I believe!!!" (I hope the rest of you are clapping, because my fellow employees look concerned.)

Posted by: Femtastic at October 25, 2006 2:49 PM

I am sitting here in a cubicle with sick people on 3 sides of me. The one to the left is going to take her sick self on an airplane tomorrow. I hate being trapped in this little germ box.

The completely nutty part of it is, of course, that I have NO work to do. So I am sitting here in a festering cloud of germs for basically no reason, other than they make me do it to get a paycheck.

Posted by: Suebob at October 25, 2006 3:53 PM

No, no, the undead walking coffee people were way scarier. Remember that one?

Posted by: Heather Cook at October 25, 2006 6:38 PM

I'm 'just sick' that I missed your TV appearance... again! I can imagine Holly F. cooing over you, pretty AND sniffly (pity factor). I bet it was a lovely, buttery charm-fest. :) Serious! Wish I'd seen it. The discussion was prob'ly great, too.

Posted by: el-e-e at October 25, 2006 8:51 PM

I've seen those commercials, and I always suspect that one day there'll be a shot of Tippi Hedron and all those happy little scissors will become huge flying shears that swoop and attack a la Hitchcock. Terrifying stuff.

But you, dear Peach, you are undoubtedly lovely as ever and I know that you'll even handle having consumption with style and class. And the occasional generous libation, of course!

Posted by: Fran at October 25, 2006 11:14 PM

I just watched the book club thingie online and I swear to you the moment they showed you - WAY before the email from Desi - I was sitting there thinking "Sick, schmick, Girl. Those boots ROCK!" And then they showed a close-up. Yay!

Oh yeah...and you looked like a flower-bedecked dove and sounded like air freshener, or um....something like that.

(Seriously, you looked AND sounded fine. I did not detect even a HINT of Harvey in your voice.)

Posted by: DebR at October 25, 2006 11:44 PM

Just finished gods and LOVED IT. ;) One of many.

So glad you're feeling somewhat better even if you are fantasizing about coughing blood into a hanky!

Posted by: lena at October 26, 2006 12:35 AM

I SWAN? My Mom and Aunts used to say that. Haven't heard it in years.

Posted by: Vicki at October 26, 2006 10:03 AM

Hey, DebR! Some linky love, please? I want to see the interview, too!

Posted by: Aimee at October 26, 2006 10:28 AM

Here ya go Aimee:
(I had to then click on "Trouble Viewing" so if nothing starts playing on the page I linked to, try that.)

Posted by: DebR at October 26, 2006 2:55 PM