October 6, 2006

The UN-Whelked

Here is the TV interview ---thanks to my pretty friend Mir for the link. I tell ya, I LOVE that Holly Firfer---that’s the name of the cute blonde who is interviewing me, for you non-Atlanta folks who may not remember her from CNN. If you live in Atlanta area and are reading Between, Georgia you can send Holly an e-mail for a chance to be part of the on air discussion on October 25th. We could be on TV together. And I am guaranteed to make weirder facial expressions that you, so there is NO reason not to go for it!

I hate watching myself on TV --- AND this time I forgot to vainly take my glasses off! MAN, I must have been nervous. I didn’t think I was, but I sound REALLY Southern, and when my accent escapes my control, it means I am nerved up. OR I have had a minimum of two beers. Since this was a morning show, let’s assume the former. *grin*

I had some trouble remaining clam yesterday. I was the opposite of Clam. Would that be UNclam? Non-clamular? Centipede-y? I FORGOT my daughter’s ballet class, even. SEE, I finally had COURT, and I was all atwitter to know if I would remain a master criminal or if my wrongful arrest would be rightfully stricken from the record. I put on four inch spike heels (red, thank you) and the kind of MAC lipstick that doesn’t come off (also red, thank VERY much), for confidence. These props failed me on every level. I was a wreck.

I had that bad-dog-in-trouble feeling I haven’t experienced since I was nine and STOLE a Christmas present out from under the Gayfer’s Department Store Christmas tree.
TRUE STORY: The Tree was so MATCHY MATCHY and PROFESSIONAL, like Mrs Claus had decorated it, and the tempty boxes under it were wrapped like TV presents, with hospital corners and ENORMOUS gold ribbons. I STOLE one of the smallest packages and then opened it in secret in a bathroom stall. It was empty, nothing but crumpled ribbon and ruined paper and the little cardboard box.

SO essentially, I stole NOTHING. I stole a box of Gayfer’s Rightful Air… but I felt so HORRID about it I couldn’t breath properly in Cordova Mall for months afterward. It made it worse that there was nothing to return. If only they had wrapped an actual something so I could have taken it BACK and wept and confessed and gotten absolution. Even at NINE I was a sucky master criminal. Almost thirty years later, I have not improved.

I sat in criminal-ish court which, in Austell, I SWEAR TO YOU, is now held in a MALL. Yes. A MALL. No wonder I had Stealing-From-Gayfer’s flashbacks! It is a MALL that never quite made it as a shopping complex---there used to be an awesome Cajun place in it and a dollar store and a Claire’s Earring Boutique and a Clinque Spackle Make-up shop etc etc. All those closed, and now it has….criminals. And a center fountain.

Because I had a lawyer, we didn’t have to go sit for the whole session. We got to go first. WHICH WAS GREAT. Because the guy I walked in with had a MULLET and a police escort and his hands were chained to his waist and he smelled like prison. NEAT. I did not want to, you know, hang out. Make friends. Pick up cool prison lingo. I just wanted to GO HOME.

So …. The clerk comes out and I pleaded guilty to speeding because…I was speeding. As for the BEING A TERRORIST WITH A FALSE IDENTITY WHO IS ALL COVERT AND POSSIBLY EVEN THE DEVIL, my lawyer walked them through my paperwork proving it was a DMV/Social Security Office joint balls-up, and so those were dropped.

BUT! DROPPED IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
I STILL have a freaking ARREST record. Which gives me HIVES.
If ever I get pulled over for, you know, a broken tail light or cutting a yellow light a little too close, it will COME UP on the computer that I have been ARRESTED and they will probably want to feel me up and look in my car for heroin. Cops look at you differently if you have ever been arrested.

SO, getting the charges dismissed was STEP ONE and now we are doing the million and one time consuming and expensive OTHER steps we have to do to get my record expunged. It can’t OF COURSE be as simple as proving empirically that the arrest was wrongful … OH NO! There must be multiple levels of paperwork and filing.

Your tax dollars at work…

Posted by joshilyn at October 6, 2006 9:51 AM
Comments

I just love that lilty accent of yours, Joshilyn! If you have to be nervous to produce it, then hooray for nerves. You looked FABulous, as always, and matched the sofa quite nicely. I'm sure it was planned (on their part... they probably switched sofas when they saw you come in).
Oh, and it was a great interview, too! Bonus!

Posted by: carolie at October 6, 2006 10:44 AM

Excellent interview! You look great.

The arrest record is still extremely sucky, though.

Posted by: Katie at October 6, 2006 11:15 AM

:::: coming out of lurkdom ::::

Oh, you were so very adorable in your interview! I would think anyone who saw it would run out and buy your books immediately. (I bought "gods" Wednesday and read it at every stop light on the way home)

So very glad charges were dropped. At least you didn't have to hang out with mullet-boy.

A few years back my well-dressed, 60-something mother decided she must have a new copy of her birth certificate. She went to the counter of what she thought was the records department at the court house, took a number and sat down to wait her turn. She looked around at the others waiting, who were likely of the mullet-type you saw in court, and thought "Do only CRIMINALS want their birth certificates?" She then looked up and saw the big sign that told her she was actually in CRIMINAL PROBATION. Oh, how my family still laughs at the story.

Posted by: Jenny G at October 6, 2006 11:34 AM

That totally sucks that you have to spend more time and money to get the arrest record expunged. That's something that *should* be done automatically as part of the system if you prove the arrest was totally wrongful, which of course you already DID. But nooooooo...that would be WAY to logical and helpful for the government. Pppffftt.

Posted by: DebR at October 6, 2006 12:05 PM

Outstanding interview. It made me excited about Between all over again.

Posted by: Cele at October 6, 2006 12:19 PM

Joss,

Your interview was GREAT. You were pretty and witty and absolutely lovely, and Holly Firfur (or whatever) was damned lucky to have you.

The Powers That Be, however, as well as the Cops who "arrested" you...bah..patooey...are smelly and their asses look like two billy goats fighting over a tin can under a tarp.

So there.

Posted by: Angela at October 6, 2006 1:06 PM

Loved the interview!!

And... I just had to tell you: Last night, we went to our youngest's open house/book fair, and gods was there! I stood next to it and talked very loudly to my husband about how it was SO cool your book was there, how awesome it was, and how it was curious that Between was Not there also. After we walked off, two women shuffled over and BOUGHT copies. Heh. Nothing like loudmouthed advertising. :)

Posted by: dragonfly at October 6, 2006 2:06 PM

I thought you had a great screen presence. Stop worrying!

Posted by: jason evans at October 6, 2006 2:24 PM

Seriously adored the interview and thought, man she IS southern! No wonder people always asked ME if I was from around there (because I wasn't).

As for your arrest, trust me on this: It SHOULD not hender you at all in the future. It's why job apps ask if you've ever been found GUILTY of a FELONY. The rest don't matter. So, you know, should the famous author thing not work out, don't worry about what they'll think if you apply at Waffle House.

Posted by: Angela Giles Klocke at October 6, 2006 2:43 PM

Hey! I've been to that mall - my husband was at a conference there. The Threadmill Complex, right? The kids LOVED that fountain.

I hope you get your record cleared. What a pain!

Posted by: Mom Nancy at October 6, 2006 3:03 PM

CRAPCRAPCRAPCRAPCRAP!!!

*I* have hives TOO! dadgum i am so angry for you!! can we write letters to anyone? i can write some fun letters pointing out the clear incompetence (sp?) etc!!! grrr! i'm so so so sorry.

Posted by: kristen at October 6, 2006 9:40 PM

In the Seattle area there is a restaurant chain called Ivar's Acres of Clams. It is the signiture establishment of a former folksinger named Ivar Haglund. The restaurant's slogan? "Keep clam."

Posted by: Holly at October 7, 2006 9:15 AM

Fantastic interview, Joshilyn! And I'm sorry you're having to deal with the whole insanity of getting your record expunged! It's nuts.

Posted by: Laura Florand at October 7, 2006 9:25 AM

I listened to your interview several times....I don't hear an accent at all! :-) I used to shop for antiques at the Threadmill Mall where you went to court.

Love your 1st book and can't wait to read the new one!

Posted by: CindyInAtl at October 7, 2006 11:59 AM

WHEE! Pretty Joss was on TV! You looked great! I bet you even smelled great! Good job!

If it were me? I would have been flinging my hands around so much in nervous ataxia that you wouldn't be able to see my face. In fact people would point at my face area and say... what's that? Did they pixelize her face what's with the blur?

Posted by: Heather Cook at October 7, 2006 5:44 PM

So funny Joshilyn that "big jerk day" happens to be my birthday. Thanks.

Posted by: Waylon at October 7, 2006 9:59 PM

I don't live in Atlanta, but I just finished reading Between and LOVE, LOVE, LOVED it! I'm always a little sad when a good novel comes to an end though. The adventure is over...for now.

Posted by: Melisa at October 9, 2006 10:29 AM

I just got a chance to watch your interview. You are pretty and delightful, and I loved it. But one thing made me practically SWOON with horror. TGWSS isn't coming out until January 2008?! Good lord, but that's a long time to wait.

2008.

Posted by: Aimee at October 11, 2006 3:42 PM