October 3, 2006

I Prefer to Remain Whelk

Monique works for a company that has sent all the employees a set of guidelines to use in case of an earthquake.
Top of the list: Remain Clam.
Yes. I said Clam.

I’ve been virtuously working all day! I need a little break before my mind snaps and I end up in the Safeway with a water pistol, moistening grandmothers. I must remain clam! No MOISTENING! SO, I came to talk to YOU, my prettiest internets!

THING THE FIRST: I’m going to be on the TV tomorrow. If you live in the greater metro Atlanta-ish area, why doncha watch it and then you can tell me later that I did not look like a hippo strung out on meth. Even if you have to lie. ????

I am, quite frankly, terrified. Not of being on TV--- I’ve even done this show before, and I LOVE the hosts and it’s a great show and I am their BOOK! CLUB! PICK! For October which makes me happy as …a mollusk who isn’t currently experiencing an earthquake.

I’m ascairt because LAST time I went to do TV, I was wrongfully arrested …And I am even planning on wearing the same outfit, my arrest outfit, because my other specced for TV clothes are at the cleaners. Somehow I have associated these things in my head.
Driving to TV = Jail.
Cranberry Indian Print Skirt = Jail.
So. It will be an exciting day.
Please send medication.

SECONDLY THING: Based on TRAFFIC today when I drove my kids to their various institutions of learning, October 3rd is “Be a big jerk day!”
AND NO ONE TOLD ME!
But hey, never too late to jump on the jerk bandwagon. As my jerkly contribution, I am going to hand out POUNDS AND POUNDS of COMPLETELY unsolicited advice!

***For the crafty types: Don’t crochet this.

*** For the writers who want to get blurbs and promote their work:

Send a letter through the publisher or an e-mail to a writer whose books you actually LIKE. Tell them what you like about their work, how it relates to your work, and why you think they might like your stuff back. Then ask them to read for you. You’ll get some yeses and some nos depending on the writers’ schedules, but…wow. You won’t make Scott want to punch your nose in.

UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD YOU EVER….
1) Use the mail forwarding service of an author you have not read and do not respect to
2) Unexpectedly mail your 500 pound book so that the author
3) gets charged 8 bucks by the service only to find the book is not even to her but rather
4) to her husband
5) whose name you have gotten wrong.

If you feel you SIMPLY MUST perpetrate 1 – 5, at least avoid 6.

6) Write an inscription to the incorrectly named husband in which you speak dismissively of his wife’s work, implying that after all HER silly prancing drek, YOUR book is going to be a relief to his manly gonads.

I TRIED to work up a good frothy outrage for the sake of a better blog, but the promo was SO botched on every level that I ended up getting the giggles and was unable to be actually offended. Now I just kinda feel bad for the guy.
Others among us, however, wanted to move directly from BE A BIG JERK day to NOSE PUNCHING day.

You don’t say mean things about me to Scott. He probably likes me better than he likes you.

***For the owners of delicious yellow kittens who keep sending me pictures of said kittens and linking to blogs with pictures of said kittens and telling me cute little anecdotes about the adorableness of said kittens: You do not need those kittens. Send them to me.

THERE! That’s, like, THREE unsolicited advices. PLENTY to make me a big enough jerk to satisfy the holiday.

What did YOU do to be a jerk today?

Posted by joshilyn at October 3, 2006 4:07 PM
Comments

So, I am watching you on tv, and then I say "Hey, I've seen her mug shot!" What channel, when? On a different note, I won't mention what I associate some of my awful clothes with, but yes, I know what you mean...

Posted by: Jane F at October 3, 2006 4:22 PM

To be a jerk, I emailed a briliant author who SO VERY SWEETLY emailed me to thank me for an email I sent to her, applauding her brilliant work.

(er...that, I think, was a run on sentence...or something Englishy/grammery/incorrecty...)

And in this email, I pointed out that the brilliant author had ALREADY emailed me to thank me for the email applauding her brilliant work.

And I should have just kept my big mouth shut and said to all of my friends, "Hey LOOK! Jos...er...That author emailed me AGAIN!!!"

Posted by: Angela at October 3, 2006 4:45 PM

Also in celebration of Be a Jerk day...I neglected to tell that author that her butt does INDEED to ever so teensy in those pants.

Posted by: Angela at October 3, 2006 4:46 PM

I was a bitch at RackRoomShoes.

I wanted these shoes. PERFECT SHOES. Flat, slip on, squishy on the bottom. Someone said hello to me, and kept on walking when I came in. After nearly 25 futile minutes of searching, as I was leaving the store someone asks - can I help you?

I said, "Yes, actually you can. I've been wandering around lost and frustrated for over twenty minutes trying to find these shoes and no one has even bothered to ask me that question." *pointed look*

Then I turned around, and there were the shoes I was looking for. Not in my size.

I just left. Stupid shoes.

Posted by: Autumn at October 3, 2006 4:54 PM

Okay. . .I am sure I have been a jerk to someone today, but I'm such a big jerk I can't remember.

I will be a jerk by writing to thank you for my thank you notes which someone already did and I had not planned to do until I decided to be a jerk. Thank you kindly. I most definitely enjoyed Between, Georgia.

And also to say an additional thank you for the laugh. I do not crochet, but OH MY GOODNESS did I ever get a good laugh from that link--out loud guffawing laughter.

And I don't live in Atlanta, but I'm sure you will do a great job on tv and banish all unpleasant memories associated with the skirt by replacing them with incredible I-look-so-hot-on-tv memories.

(You can also add to my jerkedness the propensity to write a celebrated author and begin all of my sentences with an overused conjunction--and there are probably some spelling errors too.)

Posted by: Roxanne at October 3, 2006 6:46 PM

Hmmmm--I guess I was kind of a jerk today when some lady rang the bell on the bus and then started bitching that I had missed her stop! She was ranting and raving "Hey! I RANG THE BELL!! HELLO? Aren't you going to stop?" and I said "That's nice--I'll stop when I reach the next stop!"! She starts grumbling that I had MISSED her stop and I informed her that no, there had NEVER been a stop at the corner she seemed to think she wanted. So THEN she says she's going to call in and complain--I told her "You go right ahead and call--knock yourself out! And they will tell you the same thing--THAT ISN'T A STOP!!!" So not sure WHO was the actual JERK today--I think perhaps SHE was the JERK and I was just the BITCH!! (Thank you very much!!)

Posted by: Sheri at October 3, 2006 7:01 PM

Why don't you share said jerky inscription so we can all join Scott in wishing to nose-punch, or maybe join you in shocked giggles? Please?

Mmmm, what did I do for jerk day? I can't think of anything, so I'll tell you what I did Saturday to celebrate NJD early: arranged a garage sale and then left my MIL and sweet pregant neighbor running it for an hour and a half!! while I was on a necessary conference call and hubby was coaching our kids' soccer game. What a jerk!

Posted by: Carrie (in MN) at October 3, 2006 7:56 PM

Oops, I mis-named it National Jerk Day (NJD) when in fact I see above that it was "Be a Jerk Day" (BJD). Which would NOT be BJ Day for short! *snort*

Posted by: Carrie (in MN) at October 3, 2006 7:58 PM

I renamed this guy Eric, who was an utter jerk himself to a friend and co-worker, so that from now on, in my office, he shall be known as "The Stupidhead." And he deserves it.

Posted by: JenA at October 3, 2006 9:34 PM

Firstly, I am so very pleased for you that you have a husband who gets nose punching ideas when someone isn't nice to you. Some husbands aren't like that. In fact, I have seen SOME husbands say mean things about their own wives. Not my husband. I have a good one. Unfortunatly, mine rarely gets riled enough to want to punch noses and I sometimes wonder just how mean someone would have to be to me to get him to want to punch their nose. Then again, I don't think I want to invite meanness on myself nor possible charges against my husband so I will just ponder it silently.

Slightly off topic of your post but not my comment (please scuze the hijack), remember a few weeks ago when a White House reporter went to the bathroom and engaged in some girl talk while her mike was still on? I was just so pleased that while she did dog on her sister in law, she said very nice things about her husband. That made me happy for him. Also, if you go to the bathroom tomorrow, make sure your mike is off.

Lastly, thank you for the notification of Be a Jerk Day. You have explained much of my day. Evidently, my children were celebrating. So was the rude man in traffic who insisted I GO(!) when I didn't WANT to GO (!) but eventually WENT so as to get him to stop waving his arms around like he was landing planes. I had a very good reason for not wanting to go yet and because my children were in the car, had to mumble my f-words so that my lips could be read accuratly but my babies' ears would not melt.

The end. Sorry for the rambling.

Posted by: Em at October 3, 2006 10:15 PM

I forwarded someone's totally well-intentioned email to a friend with snarky comments. Only because I wanted to participate, of course.

Posted by: Mir at October 3, 2006 10:21 PM

I tried SO hard not to be a jerk today, and it didn't turn out well. I had a call from a nice soul wanting to tell me about the book he's having published, and I gave him the boilerplate "send me the press release" thing, and he was telling me all about his remarkably quick response from the publisher and then I started asking more pointed questions.

His publsher is PublishAmerica.

So I got off the phone after offering a very vague caution, and then started feeling bad and mad for the guy, and started looking at some of the PA warnings and, wanting honestly and sincerely to HELP, I called the guy back and suggested he take a closer look and maybe check out some of these articles that I'd oh so helpfully found for him, and let the writer beware, yadda yadda.

And he told me he apreciated my input but really didn't care, didn't use the Internet, and, since God told him to write the book while he (the guy, not God) was spending three weeks sitting on a mountain, it would all be okay. At which point I wondered why it was I was trying NOT to be a jerk, and quickly got off the phone again.

And yeah, it would make a great basis for a novel plot, except it ALREADY IS ONE called Happiness(tm) by Will Ferguson.

I'll shut up now.

Posted by: Shelley at October 4, 2006 1:40 AM

I can't believe I missed Big Jerk Day!

Maybe it's for the best. I will focus on Big Work Day instead, and be a good employee instead of doing a lot of "Internet research," as I am wont to do.

Posted by: Monique at October 4, 2006 9:35 AM

To go with the crocheted wig, how about this knitted one? http://www.knitty.com/issuefall04/PATThallowig.html

At least they say it's for Halloween!

Posted by: Jennifer at October 4, 2006 9:57 AM

1. For those of us who don't live in Atlanta, will you post a link to an online video when/if there is one? Pleeeeease?

2. Yesterday was my husband's birthday, which means it SHOULD have been a good day involving cake and stuff, but J is in Mexico and I ran errands (thinking he might want some actual food in the house when he returns) and there was NO cake and lots and LOTS of Big Jerks at the grocery store and on the road. No one warned me ahead of time that yesterday was Be A Big Jerk Day!!! Bah! But at least no one did that 1 - 6 list to either of us, so....silver lining and all that.

3. You so NEED a yellow kitten. I don't have one to send you, but you need one.

Posted by: DebR at October 4, 2006 10:18 AM

Oh yeah, and 4. I kind of want one of those crocheted things because I'm totally weird and dorky enough to enjoy wearing it as a hat and then giggling when people stare. I don't want a purple one though. I want a black one or a red one. And I don't want to make it myself. :-)

Posted by: DebR at October 4, 2006 10:20 AM

Saw you today on Atlanta and Company...

I thought you were going to have to slap her to get her to realise that you didn't write Between and Gods at the same time, lol...

great show, and great promo for your book..

way to go tulip:)

Tina

Posted by: tina at October 4, 2006 11:19 AM

Be a Jerk Day should have national status, but then I know people who wouldn't be able to recognize it from one day to the next. Oh, hummmm.

Oh, not you loverlies, you just have days, I have weeks, those other people have lifetimes. :)

Posted by: Cele at October 4, 2006 11:55 AM

I work in the highest building in Philadelphia. That is essential advice. I will definitely strive to remain clam in an emergency.

BTW, I wonder if that wet blanket trick featured in The Towering Inferno really works.

Posted by: jason evans at October 4, 2006 12:46 PM

I'm TOTALLY crocheting those braids for my book jacket photo. I'll look so gorgy!!!

Don't go crazy while I'm away crocheting.

Posted by: Angela Giles Klocke at October 4, 2006 4:03 PM

I don't need a day. That's just me. All day. Every day.
Hey, cut me some slack. I work 30 hours a week at a restaurant, am writing a book, AND i homeschool my six kids. Sometimes, there is no other way to be.

Posted by: dee at October 4, 2006 4:05 PM

Between is are our book group's book for October, too, and we picked it AGES ago because we are all cutting-edge like that. AND we're in Sweden! So you have that. :)

Posted by: lizardek at October 4, 2006 4:37 PM

Rats. I missed my cue for Be A Big Jerk day. Are you giving rainchecks?

I second the linky-love request for us non-Atlantians.

Re: 1-6? O.M.G.!! I can only surmise that said person is now blacklisted in all fifty states and six or seven foreign countries. He/she/it didn't like your books? *pole-axed look* What. Is. Their. Problem?

Posted by: David at October 4, 2006 8:14 PM

The video is up here: http://www.atlantaandcompany.com/article.aspx?storyid=85529

And I wanted to scoop you up and put you in my pocket; your hair is SO CUTE (shorter than when I saw you last!) and you give such good public speaking. Personally I would've throttled that woman the SECOND time she mispronounced Nonny. Duh.

Posted by: Mir at October 4, 2006 9:47 PM

I don't want October 3rd to be "Be a Big Jerk Day" because it's my birthday. So now, since it's really too late for me to successfully be a jerk today, I'm going to be a jerk TOMORROW so that hereafter, October the fifth will be "Be a Big Jerk Day," at least here in San Diego. So there.

Posted by: Aimee at October 4, 2006 10:53 PM

DVR'd the show so I could watch you after work. Despite your hostess's occasional ditzy spells, it was all quite nice. And aren't you lucky and important to get air time on the show before Jessica Simpson.

Posted by: Jessica at October 5, 2006 7:11 AM

Mir, thank you for the link! I'm off to take a look now.

Aimee, belated happy birthday to you! I hope you got cake. :-)

Posted by: DebR at October 5, 2006 9:50 AM

HHEHEHEHEH! Stop smack talking that TV hostess! I ADORE her. She's a REALLY neat person and I have BIG love for her.

Also -- you do those TV interviews it is SO RARE that the host actually reads the book. For that alone we should all send her flowers and puppies.

Posted by: joshilyn at October 5, 2006 10:01 AM

O, I'm with Mir.

I actually forwarded a short story to my co-editor with the comment: This sucks. Stilted and predictable.

Instead of hitting forward, I hit reply, and sent the comment to the WRITER. I immediately apologized and felt horrible. I am a total JERK.

And you can't have my kittens!

Posted by: Edgy Mama at October 5, 2006 2:06 PM

Thanks, DebR! I got key lime pie and a visit from one of my bestest friends, who came 3,000 miles to spend my birthday with me. It was great!

Posted by: Aimee at October 5, 2006 2:14 PM

Ok, I know this is the third time I've commented on the same post, which means I probably need a time out or something, but I just had to come back and say you looked really pretty in that vid clip, Joss! I like your hair and the outfit you wore looked like it was perfect - made it look like the set had been designed just for you.

I have to say kept wanting to reach through the screen and take the show hostess by the shoulders and tell her, "Sweetie, slow down. LISTEN to the answers to the questions you ask instead of mentally jumping ahead to the next question." That bugged me kind of a LOT. But since you have great love for her (and since I'm guessing rushing the questions and responses is an occupational hazard for that sort of gig) I'm trying to cut her some slack. :-)

PS...Aimee, YAY for bestest friends and key lime pie!!

Posted by: DebR at October 6, 2006 9:34 AM

As far as remaining clam, this phrase was seen on the side of a fireworks box:

DO NOT BE PANIC.

So far I have refrained from being a jerk today. But I still have many hours to go.

Posted by: Suebob at October 6, 2006 1:43 PM

I missed Be A Jerk Day on the 3rd. Lets move it, just for Oklahoma sake, to umm lets say... today. I was a jerk to the lady at Sonic when she said, "Would you like anything from the courtesy tray." I answered "No thank you." without even looking up at her. I was reading your book and she was bugging me. When she came back around the second time (I was there 20 minutes) I made up for the jerk remark and asked for some mints to make her feel better.

Posted by: Vicki at October 10, 2006 4:42 PM