September 13, 2006

"Random Neurons Firing" should become a catagory...

My friend Lydia has posted the universe's most disturbing recipe to her moblog. I spent about half of last night saving the file I was working in and clicking over to stare at the meatball page some more.

The recipe purports to make "Zesty Porcupine Meatballs" and I do not understand how this can be so. Go look at them.

They don't look prickly. Does the rice stick to them? To make the prickles? They don't seem to be made out of ground porcupine, either, which is on many levels a mercy, but still...And the recipe contributor is named "Michelle R." If it were Michelle P, I might could let it go. The name of this recipe is as dense and inexplicable as the reason they remade Wicker Man.

More inexplicable things: Why, after looking at the picture, would you WANT to make a zesty porcupine meatball? Also, if I put a round meatfood object on a plate and called it a Zesty Porcupine Meatball, Maisy would no more eat it than she would eat "Leg of Brother" or "Quiche Manure." As it stands, to get her to eat UNzesty regular-meat meatballs, we have to call them "Small round hamburgers, you know you LOVE hamburgers, that we are having with our pasta!" I think MANY kids are like this, and yet the presence of canned soup ASSURES me this is a harried-mom sort of recipe, meant to be fed to little children.

EVEN MORE INEXPLICABLE THINGS: There are 60-some reviews of this recipe, and it has 4.5 stars. That's a half star more than some OSCAR WINNING MOVIES. Also, the reviews act like there is this ESTABLISHED thing called a porcupine meatball that everyone makes and eats all the time. One review said, "They had more zest than the normal porcupine meatballs I make!" This is an oxymoron as by definition, a meatball cannot be BOTH normal and porcupine.

OH BEST BELOVEDS, can you tell I have finally gone right around the mystical bend? When you begins questioning the zest of random roadkill recipes as doing so were somehow existential....yeah. Mental illness number is at about 7,000. Forgive my neglect and my poinking at random soft spots in my brain until words come out. I hope to be less mentally ill tomorrow. Or in fifteen minutes. Or four days. Or when the moon is in retrograde.

In a COMPLETELY unrelated bout of lunacy, monster dot com just sent me a job listing and included A MESSAGE FROM A BENEVOLENT UNIVERSE. The note on top says:

Dear member of Monster.com!
We have a great position for you!!!

Either monsterdotcom LOVES me or some pR0n spammer is hoping to trick me into clicking a link that will cause me to accidentally see naked breasts, which is step one in giving me a pRon addiction which will eventually lead me to gambling and dancing, OR, as previously hypothesized, I am being given interactions for living via SPAM. My big clues that this e-mail is NOT what it seems:
1) I am not now nor have I ever been a member of monsterdotcom.
2) the job is for a SHIPPING AND RECEIVING CLERK with Wells Fargo. I can't IMAGINE a job I could mess up more than THAT, except maybe brain surgeon.
and----now we come to my favorite---
3) After the dry job description which explicated a HOST duties, all of said duties requiring massive organizational skills, the following sentence appears in italics:

"Don't be scary, its not hard!"

How mentally ill is it that I find this message, with its earnest inability to know the difference between it's and its and its exhortation to stop frightening the children, to be warm and personal and caring.
I am going to guess....SO. MENTALLY. ILL. And yet I can't help but think to myself "The pR0n spammer or possibly monsterdotcom or even a benevolent universe thinks it is NOT THAT HARD! HURRAY!"

I hope it isn't the pR0n spammers. I'd hate to be getting warm fuzzies----of ANY sort---from those people. They are as inexplicable as that recipe to me---especially the CRAFTY ones. WHY on EARTH do they try to trick me into seeing naked breasts? There are SO MANY people out there who are googling frantically around TRYING to see some naked breasts all on purpose. Why inflict surprise bosoms on people who innocently hope to become Shipping and Receiving Clerks?

Final Inexplicable thing for today: HOW ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH DID SOME MEATBALL SMOKING LUNATIC GET THE GREEN LIGHT TO REMAKE WICKER MAN??????
Perhaps the benevolent universe's message----"Don't be scary"--- was actually intended for the Wickerman remake. In which case, I can only tip my hat. Way to listen, W.R.

Posted by joshilyn at September 13, 2006 7:02 AM
Comments

I wonder if these people were also behind the infamous Litterbox Chocolate Cake which was making the rounds a few years back--

http://www.fabulousfoods.com/recipes/dessert/cakes/kittylittercake.html

My sister actually made that one time I visited her with my daughter.

I also wonder if that's the first time in recorded spamiture that the phrase "it's not hard" has been used, other than perhaps in a "before" picture.

Posted by: ray at September 13, 2006 7:10 AM

Personally, I find this recipe even more disturbing:

http://www.recipezaar.com/16121

As for the job story, obviously some fake-o spammer trying to prey on your innate desire to be a shipping and receiving clerk. But it makes me feel I must quickly share a friend's story...she really was looking for a job. She has a PhD in organic chemistry, and so was looking for a job as, oh, I don't know, A CHEMIST perhaps?! And so she got an e-mail from a job site telling her they had the perfect job for her. What was it, you ask?

BILINGUAL CONSTRUCTION FOREMAN

Posted by: Jen at September 13, 2006 8:12 AM

My mother made "porkypines" for dinner when I was a child and I objected every time. She saw no problem with reading me Mrs. Tiggywinkle and then serving them, but I found this to be impossibly crass. I also rejected "country chicken fried steak" for different literary reasons, since that dish is neither chicken nor steak and, at the age of 4, I had no idea whether it was country or fried, but I did not appreciate being tricked.

Don't be scary.

Posted by: Courtney at September 13, 2006 9:13 AM

I totally don't get the Wickerman remake either. I mean, it sucked the first time, right?

Although I do think "don't be scary" is kind of a sweet little message to those who must clerk.

Posted by: Edgy Mama at September 13, 2006 9:26 AM

Okay...so I HAD to go and look at the porcupine meatball recipe from morbid curiosity. . .and did you realize that there are also "Porcupine Meatball Recipes II and III" as well?

Posted by: Roxanne at September 13, 2006 9:33 AM

More inexplicable...how did hey get Nicolas Cage to STAR in Wickerman? I mean, the man has an actual Oscar, for crying out loud. What was he thinking?

Posted by: Amy-Go at September 13, 2006 9:37 AM

I must confess, I have actually eaten porcupine meatballs on multiple occasions in my life, and even regard them fondly as a delicious part of my childhood, courtesy of not only my own mother, but many church potlucks.

I even have a amusing story about porcupine meatballs, but it's really long, and requires a little backstory, so I'll post it on my own darn website.

Posted by: Jessica at September 13, 2006 11:04 AM

We ate "Porcupine Balls" growing up. Funny, as a kid I never thought anything about it- get your mind out of the gutter- they were just meatballs with rice in them, but we liked them better than the originals. I don't eat any meat these days, but the pb's had nothing to do with it. It was making the salmon croquettes that did me in. Honestly, you want me to eat bones? No.Thank.You.

Posted by: Chris at September 13, 2006 11:46 AM

When I take my clothes off I have naked breast. Why would I want to see more?

The only thing more insane than the remake of Wickerman, is that Nicholas Cage took the roll, because Day---um, I can't imagine he went in search for it.

I like meatballs, but porcupine meatballs have never intrigued me, thank heavens my mom never stooped to that level. The Mazie / hamburger comment cracked me up. We tell our grandson, Ben, everything is meatloaf to get him to eat it.


Posted by: Cele at September 13, 2006 12:26 PM

My Ex made those things - well NOT that recipe, my lord that's horrendous sounding - but he made them. Meatballs with rice in them... they were decent. I believe I had the same conversation with him back then... but it was something like 5 years ago now, so I barely remember and my mental illness number is creeping up.

so.much.to.do.

How do you do everything and raise kids? Huh? how?

Posted by: Autumn at September 13, 2006 12:34 PM

Ok, I confess, I was a porquipine meatballs eater too; though I never made them, they did remind me slightly of the meat-mix w/rice in cabbage rolls; so I ate them without dread...

But, I do recall, every time I had the opportunity to eat PB's... I would inquire as to the name? lol where's the quills, I'd ask in an innocent sly wry smile.... lol

North

Posted by: North at September 13, 2006 2:45 PM

Okay. Well. I can check "Check on Joss and see if she's okay" off of my list, or at least put a question mark next to it.... ;)

Posted by: Mir at September 13, 2006 3:05 PM

I had to step out of lurkerdom for porcupine balls.

I grew up eating these awful things. Correction: I grew up cutting these up and moving them around my plate until my parents got tired of watching me sit at the dinner table. They are basically naked cabbage rolls. Which I also do not eat.

I was also tortured with salmon patties, lamb patties, and city chicken. Just mentioning these puts my gag reflex on red alert.

Ah, fond childhood memories.

Since it's my first comment, can I be a fan for a second? I just finished listening to Between, Georgia and I absolutely loved it. Wonderful book, and a wonderful reading of it. It is being recommended to all my book buddies.

Posted by: debby at September 13, 2006 4:57 PM

I top you ALL with my mother's serving of LIVER to the innocent child that I was. An ORGAN MEAT. She also tried to cut up Jerusalem artichokes in salads and pass them off as cucumbers. I never fell for that one either. GOOD TIMES, sitting at the dinner table trying not to throw up in my mouth. Thank God they never gave me any siblings. They would have been scarred for life, just like me...

Posted by: Elena at September 13, 2006 8:55 PM

The only thing more disturbing that something called Porcupine meatballs is calling them PORCUPINE BALLS. That's so...specific.

I am going to assume they are called that because the rice sticks to them- otherwise I won't be able to sleep.

Must go- making Hedgehog Loaf for dinner tomorrow...

Posted by: Laura at September 13, 2006 10:08 PM

Actually, worse than fried liver (which I like, but no one believes me), was my mother's wildly failed attempt at cooking liver in a "new and different" way - broiling.

Broiling makes the veins in the liver as tough as strings. Don't ask.

But I've never tried porcupine meatballs, with or without real porcupine.

I haven't seen the new Wicker Man. I like Nicholas Cage, in general, though. I did like the old Wicker Man, but I like Edward Woodward. I have no idea why they feel the need to remake all kinds of previously made movies, though. Aren't there enough new ideas out there?

Ah well, I don't go to movies anyway. They're too expensive and filled with loud and obnoxious people who are text-messaging or explaining things badly to their lunatic friends. Probably about the importance of roadkill in major culinary dishes.

Posted by: Fran at September 13, 2006 11:03 PM

Jen, I had a peek at the recipe you posted.. well, they have got to be the cutest cookie!!

You should see my witch-fingers cookies!! They look like REAL freekin' fingers, with whole almonds as the nail, so they get nice and dark when baking...

going to scan the pic/recipe and put it on my blog early October...

Anyway, when my son comes home for Christmas from college, I am going to have some of these ready!!

http://www.recipezaar.com/16121

I am going to ask him if he'd like hotdogs for lunch...and then serve him those.. Ooh gosh, I can't wait for the giggles!!

And I'm not readin this thread again, b/c I am always left with hungar pangs--can I get a witness?

North

Posted by: North at September 13, 2006 11:24 PM

Are porcupine meatballs a regional thing? Midwest maybe?
Oh, LIVER. I was told I couldn't leave the table until I ate it, and being the world's most stubbornest kid would stay there all night, quite literally, asleep next to my livery plate. Yucky yuck yuck.

Posted by: Carol at September 14, 2006 12:11 AM

My mother would just tell us that stuff was other stuff, only it was so NOT the other stuff that it was really traumatic. Like the time at the Chinese restaurant in Honolulu when I was four when she said "here, eat this piece of mushroom from the soup broth..." because I was an extremely strange child who LOVED mushrooms, especially the little cubes of them in Campbell's Cream of Same soup, only it WAS NOT a little piece of mushroom, it was a little piece of OCTOPUS, which she totally knew but figured she could broaden my horizons with this cruel ruse, etc.

So it was a little dark cube just like yummy Campbell's canned mushroom, only it wouldn't die between my teeth, because it was a cube of rubber sea animal sans merci.

And the second time--deep-fried squid chunk touted as an onion ring. SO NOT THE SAME THING, DESPITE THE GOLDEN BROWN BATTER! However, it was eerily familiar in the "wouldn't die between my teeth, because it was a cube of rubber sea animal sans merci" kind of way.

Do not get me started about the time she served us canned elephant and rattlesnake in "creme" sauce, over noodles.... (separate cans. They do not actually can them in the same can.)

Porcupine balls would've been a great relief.

Posted by: Cornelia Read at September 14, 2006 1:07 AM

Cornelia wins!!!!!!!!! The worst I ever had to endure was brussel sprouts (which still make me literally gag when I see or smell them). And wow, North, I'm glad you think the cookies are cute - I find them disturbing (which is why I posted them). Come on, Hot Dog Cookies??? Then there's the baby shower I went to where the hostess froze tiny little plastic babies in ice cubes to use in our cups and in the punch.......talk about seriously disturbing........

Posted by: Jen at September 14, 2006 7:59 AM

Gawd, Cornelia, talk about culinary Russian roulette! Reading your comment made me remember the time I decided it would be a good idea to try octopus sashimi. *gag*

Posted by: Aimee at September 14, 2006 10:26 AM

mmmm... canned rattlesnake.

Posted by: Laura L at September 14, 2006 10:29 AM

There are somethings I will eat squid (which I love - cooked right and not over cooked.) I've had rattlesnake (but it was an "Oh by the way" experience.) Liver, cut thick smothered with onions and bacon (I mean if you're going to flood your veins with cholestrol let's go all the way.)

But Elephant? That is just sick and wrong - creamed into a can or otherwise. :cry:

Posted by: Cele at September 14, 2006 11:50 AM

I think this is a good time to ask for the orange pound cake recipe from Between, Georgia. I was glad to read that the first things in the mixing bowl were 4 cubes of real, honest-to-gawd butter.

So, pretty please Miss Joshilyn? Will you share that with us?

Posted by: Lulu at September 14, 2006 7:27 PM

OK< my worst feast, which I refused to eat, went to bed hungry, was pigs feet!! Like sure, here I am a teen, squeemish by nature, and I come home from school, I cleaned houses for rich folks after school, and also sports; so let me tell ya, when I walked into the house, it was "feed me Mama!!"

Hmm, sniff, sniff. what's that smell? Pot boiling on the stove, table set for five... we are all sitting, anticipating ham or something??

Then it happened, plunk.. just like that.. a pigs foot, nails and all, and with a few hairs still, on my plate, in a nice roll of pig-flesh?

Like Mama, if you hated us.. why did you have us? was my stupid teen lament....it's all I could think of.. I thought we were all being punished!!

@Jen--Hey, I think the hotdog cookies are adorable!! You might not want to breeze my blog in October to view my witch-fingers cookies!! They are like a short-bread, so easy to make, and makes way lots!! way way!! now, frozen toy-babies in ice, is disturbing however... (gentle smiles.)

Cornelia, I am never eating canned food at your house, no way, not never.. or ever even!!(silly giggles from way over here.)

North

Posted by: North at September 15, 2006 12:52 AM

And, ahem, if Josh doesn't post her pound cake recipe, I'm posting MINE(lemon)WITH, a most delicous addition---Fluff on the side...I mean, this stuff is to die-for(not literally, I aint'that desperate to die yet.)

North

Posted by: North at September 15, 2006 12:54 AM