August 21, 2006

All The Reasons I Am Crazy

My mental illness number just exceeded the national debt, so this entry could get long...

1) From being a girl.

Mildly related anecdote: I just got a letter from my friend Matt, who is married to his friend Drea. He and Drea went over to HER mom's house, and her mom had gods in Alabama on the coffee table. She had just finished it and had set it out to give to Drea because she really liked it (PREEN!!!!). The mother in law did not know Matt and I know each other and that he, of course, already had the book. So, anyway.

I get this e-mail from Matt: "Drea really dug Gods. I tried to get her to read it like 239084 times, but all her mom had to do was say 'Hey, you should read this.. It's good' and she started right into it.
You girls are crazy."

My response: I blame the estrogen. It's like a big shot of psychedelic mushroomic mood embellishers hurled right directly into the brain. Want some? The first hit is free.

Of course, on the OTHER hand, boys have to contend with testosterone. At least MY psychedelic mushroomic mood embellisher doesn't make me want to, you know, have a war or watch sports.

2) Deadline.

I am restructuring a HUGE thing and I think it is right but wow, it's big. I prowl around in utterly repulsive sweat pants and attempt to make chapter whatever-I-am-on-that-day work and call everyone I know and snivel when it doesn't and call everyone I know and yell pleased ululations of revolting triumph at them when it does. Either way, it's not attractive.

3) Being (Wrongfully) Arrested.

If I DO leave the house, like, if I am FORCED to be by being out of food or I have an appointment I can't miss, I find I am having mildly crazed FALLOUT. I get weepy and shaky every time I drive through Austell now, which, I admit that's a little like saying DOCTOR, IT HURTS WHEN I DO THIS, and now you say, SO, DON'T DO THAT!

Except Austell lies directly on the path between me and....everything. If I go NOT toward Austell, I generally come to some cotton. To the left of Austell? Some kudzu and also goats. To the right of Austell...Super Walmart, and Dude, I much prefer the cotton/kudzu/goats. The right-of-Austell Super Walmart is where despair goes to die. It smells like the rendered fat of a thousand McDonald's French Fries. Everyone there is either on Lithium or Crystal Meth or both or should be on at least the first one. I think they have a direct portal to Hell in the sporting goods. I am not a big Super Walmart fan, to be honest, but THIS one is beyond regulation horrifying on every possible level.

It is also true that if you go THROUGH the goats and kudzu, you come to Hiram, which has a movie theater and an Italian place with decent stuffed mushrooms and a Tar-jay and a Starbucks, but no bookstore, and none of my close friends live there. So. I have to go through Austell a LOT. It's wearing on me, and I feel, quite frankly STUPID, for having such a boring and predictable weepy-spooked emotional reaction to being arrested. How dull. If only Austell sent me into foaming gibbering psychosis, or filled me with secret sexy I'm-a-dangerous-criminal thrill.

But no, it's pretty much your regulation post-trauma snifflies. I'm tired of it already and bored of it already and yet my body keeps HAVING the reaction as I drive through Austell. I'm rawther disappointed in myself.

ALSO -- it upsets me to say I was arrested, and that I have to insert the word wrongfully, and it REALLY upsets me that people who don't know me and donut follow the link to the whole story and who read this will probably assume I was rightfully arrested because, face it, 99% of people who are arrested claim it was wrongful and 99% of that 99% are big fat liarhead criminals. I SO LIKE BEING BUNCHED WITH THEM! I ALWAYS WANTED TO FIND SOME COMMON GROUND WITH PEOPLE WHO SELL CRACK IN SCHOOL YARDS! AND NOW I DO! FOREVER! Because JUST LIKE THEM, I can now make big mooky sincere eyes and say, "I was wrongfully arrested." NEAT!

Scott took a picture of me on the Church steps, and I feel it captures an essential truth about the state of my internal landscape:

Kinda looks like I want to pull your face off and eat your brains, huh? Yeah.

Posted by joshilyn at August 21, 2006 10:20 AM

Oh, okay. So you want to eat my brains. Whatev. But at least you're PRETTY! Sorry that driving through Austell is causing you such angst. I hope that getting a few more weeks between you and the VERY REALLY TRULY WRONGFUL ARREST will make that part go away.

Posted by: Aimee at August 21, 2006 11:19 AM

Your picture looks like an angsty version of your author pic on your homepage. You're still pretty and thinking deep thoughts.

Did Hot Nice Cop get the file pulled?

Please ask Scott to order you some chocolate from Burdick's or Godiva. You are clearly in need of a large box of it.

Take care of yourself Tulip!

Posted by: Elizabeth at August 21, 2006 11:53 AM

Woman. I cannot believe you won't give me permission to send a pie. You clearly need its restorative powers.

And that picture! Grumpy-but-Beautiful Joshilyn. Hott! ;)

Posted by: Amy-Go at August 21, 2006 12:32 PM

On second thought, get Scott to assemble the ingredients of that great bed you found in St. Louis in your home and curl up in it with your laptop.

Posted by: Elizabeth at August 21, 2006 12:50 PM

I actually like that picture. :)

Posted by: Heather at August 21, 2006 1:35 PM

Um, regarding that caption? Yeah, pretty much. BUT. I have always liked church potluck dinners. So.


Posted by: David at August 21, 2006 1:43 PM

My first thought when I see that photo of you?

Cute shoes!

My second thought?

Cute skirt too!

Your facial expression reminds me a LOT of a former roomie of mine and since I looked at that "I want to eat your brains" sort of look for the better part of three years, it barely registers with me. I like your hair though! :-)

Posted by: DebR at August 21, 2006 1:57 PM

This pic reminds me of an old INXS song...Devil Inside. What, with your eyebrow all quirky, I'm wondering if you're thinking of that spray stuff, quirk, quirk... Ok, I'll stop now, before you go all Hannibal Lechter on me and have me with a nice chianti. That's gucky.
Seriously, I'm going to go with the copycat, but totally sincere, sentiment, and just say...


Posted by: dee at August 21, 2006 1:57 PM

DebR, I was thinking the same thing about the shoes, and I'm hoping she'll tell us where she got them. I can always use a new pair of black shoes...

Posted by: dee at August 21, 2006 1:58 PM

You look adorable, if a tad angsty. Which is a pretty good characterization of you, come to think of it....

Posted by: Mir at August 21, 2006 2:04 PM

Peach, at least you're in good company with the wrongfully arrested bit. My son was arrested at the demand of his middle school principal when he was 13. Arrested. And why? Because he had a soft pewter letter opener with Elvish runes on it. He was NOT arrested for having the letter opener (suspended for 10 days and deservedly so, for being a goofball mostly, but still). No, he was arrested for the RUNES on the letter opener. She said that they were Satanic and being a Satanist (which he wasn't, isn't, whatever) was akin to being in a gang, and she would not stop until he was arrested for it.

He's a good kid, you're a wonderful lady and sometimes things just become surreal. Every time you start to cry going through Austell, blow a great big huge raspberry at the jail. Or buy a new pair of shoes! That would be a GOOD memory to replace the yucky one!

Posted by: Fran at August 21, 2006 2:54 PM

Cute pants and sandals!

Posted by: Edgy Mama at August 21, 2006 3:31 PM

I got nothing. It has all been said. "You are pretty." "Lovin' the outfit." "If you are going to eat my brain please use a spoon, I'm thinking the fork tines would hurt." Yada Yada Yada.

And every time I hear/read you type about being in jail I just wonder if you had to drink yellow water.

I blame it on the estrogen.

Posted by: charity_s at August 21, 2006 3:45 PM

You know what's wrong...Your revising...your giving birth....and the picture on the steps..your in transition...You know that's an awful place to be and it's painful and it's beyond angsty and

you got relatively it's like they said, "you are too far along to get an epidural..your going to have to go it natural" But you weren't PLANNING on doing that...just like you weren't planning on rewritting big whole gobs of story and now it has to be done and it's NOT FUN

think of the end and you will dig and find it and bring it forth and breath life into it and it will be wonderful

Ahd then in a couple of years the fodder that is "I was arrested but I shouldn't have been" is now a seed and it will grow and you will give birth again to another book with a wonderful scene in it about a main character who was wrongly accused and was vindicated. You will have your just desserts on Austell and you will be able to drive through and laugh great belly laughs, ( I think you should name the town Awful, sort of "writer's justice")

It will be fine.....Huge hugs oh pretty one...go sniff Maisy and Sam.

Posted by: Gabi at August 21, 2006 4:03 PM

But I'm liking the brown. Brown is the new black. Hormonal angst is the new quiet fulfillment.

Posted by: Lydia at August 21, 2006 4:05 PM

My gosh, Joss. You look like something that should be peering through a hedge and snarling at passersby. With twigs in your ratty hair and a half-unravelled sweater covering the other fruits of your dumpster diving.

IOW, that is one scary and evil look you have in them there otherwise pretty ?blue? eyes.

Like your outfit, and those are some 'dorable yet comgy looking slides. You go, evil woman.

You are still pretty, really and figuratively.

Posted by: ZaZa at August 21, 2006 5:02 PM

Uh, I should probably clarify that I didn't mean that your hair is ratty in the pick, only in my imaginary image. You see?

Please don't eat my brain.

Posted by: ZaZa at August 21, 2006 5:06 PM

C'mon, pretty feet. You took Freshman Psych. Extinguishing behavior. Drive through Austel twenty five times. Cruise Austell. Inhabit the main street of Austell. Get so bored with Austell that you can't imagine any intense sensation taking place withing seven miles of Austell.

After Scott initiates the lawsuit of course.

(I know. I'm no fun. But you gonna let Austell win? Huh? You gonna?)

Posted by: rams at August 21, 2006 5:42 PM

You look mischievious to me. That's all. And cute. Good color on you.

I'm sorry about the anxiety. I predict your aversion to SuperWalmart will beat out your anxiety, however.

Posted by: Suebob at August 21, 2006 7:17 PM

In this pic, you look like the cat that swallowed the canary!!(smile.)Absolutely adorable.. what were your immediate thoughts when taken?


Posted by: North at August 22, 2006 12:41 AM

Oh, Joss, Joss, Joss. Heavy sigh. It'll be okay. really.:)

Posted by: Cele at August 22, 2006 1:04 AM

Girl...You look crazy skinny and fabu! You have not changed since the last time I saw you. You might need to eat a sandwich though!

Just started Between, Georgia! You go sassy pants!

Posted by: Andrea at August 24, 2006 12:01 AM

you're comments about the Super Wamart had me cracking up! I live right off of Veteran's Memorial Pkwy. So I am, at times, forced to visit said Super Walmart :shudder: That place is ooky! I try not to look when I drive by on my way to Starbucks. Luckily I'll soon be moving to there another super wally world in my future?

Posted by: Kimber at August 25, 2006 10:16 AM

As a true southerner knows, so you were wrongfully arrested. The true question is, "Did you repent regardless?" LOL

Linda in the not so Amen Corner

Posted by: Linda at August 30, 2006 10:31 AM