August 6, 2006

PLEASE SEND ROBOTS

I need a one or more special robots to fulfill a multitude of functions. The robot (or robots) should:

1) Get my children's closets cleaned out, so that all the clothes in there are the size that currently fits my children, and are seasonally appropriate.

2) Go into the garage and tote everything that is not a car away to a landfill. Actually, I don't even need the robot to differentiate between CAR and NOT A CAR. The robot should feel free to cart away EVERYTHING indiscriminately, because SO MUCH crap is in my garage that the number of cars that will currently fit in there is ZERO. Zero cars. So. Both of our cars currently perch outside on the driveway, in the rain and in the baking heat alike. I think my van is wondering why he even HAS a garage door opener clipped painfully to his sensitive little sun guard flap since I never punch the button. Opening those doors would reveal the floor to ceiling crap heap to the neighbors, and ANYWAY, if zero cars can currently fit, then the numbers of LARGE VANS that could fit must be a mathematical impossibly. If the robot was good at math, he could probably figure that the garage currently has a capacity of negative 34% of no vans fitting, but I quite frankly don't care if the robot can do math or not. As long as he can....

3) GENTLY take the phone away every time I try to make an incoherent and panicked WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH CHAPTER FOUR AND WHY CAN'T I FIX IT, AM I ON DRUGS??? call to my editor. On a Sunday afternoon. At her home.

NOTE: Should all reasonable attempts at number 3 fail, the robot should make the kind of chocolate martini that is served at Avra, striped black and white with this weird SWEET FOAM on top like a cold and very alcoholic cappuccino, and then the robot should sit on me and force feed them to me, one after another, until I whisper "Compliance" and release the phone.

4) Go down to Sam's school and explain in an introntrovertible mechanical monotone that Sam's mother was too stupid to correctly use the online uniform ordering system, and so her first order did not go through at all, and her second order specified different (and incorrect) sizes on more that 50% of the uniform pieces. The robot should further explain that, due to a massive forced infusion of chocolate martinis, said stupid mother is unable to drive down to the school and fix it, or indeed, to get off the floor where she is currently quivering and whispering the word Compliance to the refrigerator. And then if the school's office staff is not moved to pity and helpfulness culminating in order fixing and uniform procurement, the robot should move to Phase 2, defined as "threatening the custodian with Laser beams" until the office staff is moved to a state of terror induced order fixing and uniform procurement. The robot should bring the uniforms HOME with him, or not come home at all.

5) Make nutritious meals and dispense soothing medication as needed.

That is all. I need the robot or robots NOW, so overnight UPS is best, please. I looked on Amazon, but so far I have only found robots capable of vacuuming my basement and wearing little outfits. I do not need help with either of those things.

Posted by joshilyn at August 6, 2006 4:57 PM
Comments

If you find a robot that can clean out your garage, can I borrow her to clean out my basement afterwards? So I can get to the washing machine without having to navigate a growing labyrinthe that my son is convinced hides both the Minotaur and the Big Bad Wolf? And then can I borrow the robot that vacuums?

Thanks!

You are neither stupid nor a bad mother!

Posted by: Edgy Mama at August 6, 2006 5:29 PM

I'd like to find a robot that will make me GO INTO LABOR.

Posted by: Heather Cook at August 6, 2006 7:12 PM

I'm a lurker who hasn't stopped by in awhile, but wanted to tell you they had your books sitting out prominetly in my local B&N today so I bought gods. I've only read the first few pages, but I'm hooked! I can't wait to read more.

Posted by: Carrie at August 6, 2006 9:52 PM

You find that Robot, you post here girl. STAT!

Posted by: Cele at August 7, 2006 1:00 AM

I've been a crazy fangirl reader of your blog for nearly a year now, but this is my first post. Can't help you with the whole robot thing, but you sound like you could you a good swift shot of Snakes on a Plane:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IONTrsBHSig&eurl=

Saw it the other day and immediately thought of your Robot snakes post. Enjoy!

Posted by: Ostara at August 7, 2006 12:57 PM

YOU soooo funny.
Just write girl, and the rest will follow!

Posted by: desi at August 7, 2006 3:42 PM

That snake video is right up your alley, Joshilyn! And by the way, I haven't seen my garage in 5 yrs, and my daughter is a JR. this year and her uniforms never fit & barely match!

Posted by: desi at August 7, 2006 3:46 PM

If you find the robot, put me on a waiting list!

Posted by: Melessa at August 7, 2006 3:50 PM

*Petpetpet* The chocolate martini idea sounds like a good one. ;)

Posted by: Amy-Go at August 7, 2006 4:26 PM

If it helps AT ALL I finally set aside time to read 'Between' last week and I am floored. Undone, then done back up again, I was. You are *damned* good. When you are that talented and the world is finding out about it, can freebie robots be far behind???? I think not. Sit still (with said chocolate martini firmly in hand) and wait for the nice UPS man to bring them to you...

Posted by: Laura at August 7, 2006 8:01 PM

Gotta get me one of them robots. Think they have 'em on e-bay?

Posted by: dee at August 7, 2006 8:03 PM