June 23, 2006

Productia (This entry is for adults. Go away, oh most beloved Niece.)

We have to discuss an adult theme today, because I am being driven barking INSANE by the marketing for the KY Spritzing Pervert Mist or whatever that stuff is. I violently hate this ad campaign with great scoops of lava red abhorrence and revilement. If my feelings about this ad campaign were a movie, it would be rated NC-17 --- STRICTLY for violence because NO ONE would be taking their clothes off. Ever. In fact, IF everyone felt as strongly about this commercial as I do, and IF an alien over-race wanted to cleanse the earth of humanity and let the bees have a shot at evolving into something nicer than us, all they would have to do is run a giant version of this commercial in a continuous loop up in the night sky, thus permanently rendering thinking human beings EVERYWHERE incapable of any sort of arousal. The human race would peacefully die out in a single generation.

I find the ad campaign to be SO physically repulsive on a basic and visceral level, that when it comes on, my husband leaps up and stands in front of the TV yelling LA LA LA LA LA until it passes. He is a merciful man, my husband. Also, he would probably like the opportunity to make out again sometime before his death, and these commercials are....quelling.

I ALREADY was thoroughly sick of the UNENDING COYNESS of the KY Warming Massage Crap couple, you know, the one where the cute little redheaded woman likes to read packaging of her personal lubricant OUT LOUD to her husband as foreplay. And yeah. Okay. We all have our little ticks and foibles. They are consenting adults, so if this is what works for them, that's nice and they should close the bedroom doors and go for it. When the KY packaging text becomes stale and fails to titillate, she can go into the bathroom and find plenty of other products to tempt him with, "Aim," she can read seductively, "Is accepted by the American Dental Association." He would like that, I bet. Don't you bet?

I mean, she has CLEARLY found her match because whenever she starts reading packaging, her husband comes peeking coyly out from behind his newspaper like a curious but easily spooked howler monkey, and then they both quirk their eyebrows back and forth at each other suggestively, quirkitty quirk quirk go the eyebrows, quirking with such REPETITIVE VIGOR that I cant help but think this too, is an integral part of their somewhat disturbing sex life. AND I DO NOT MIND THAT EITHER. I repeat, if it TRULY makes their little red boat bob up and down all happy in the water, then they should go for it, BUT, and I think I speak for all of America here, I BEG them abjectly to please not film it.

But they are NOTHING compared to the KY Spritzing Pervert Mist commercial. I WISH I could find a streaming video of it so I could link you to it. I think it would be helpful to you, especially if you are the Duggar Family. Also, then you would see exactly what I'm talking about. Alas, the streaming video LINKS that pop up when I try to Google this stuff are...disturbing, and would NEVER be run in PRIME TIME, as this ad so consistently is. ANYWAY, it goes like this:

An excruciatingly gorgeous rich lady stands on the balcony that overlooks her lofted great room and calls her husband on her GPS enhanced computer/video camera/cell phone. Her husband, who is sitting on the SOFA in the VERY ROOM she is standing above, answers his phone. She reads him some packaging, and, as is apparently common in most marital relations these days, his response to ad copy is immediate arousal and eyebrow quirking. He comes bounding up the stairs to see if she is now willing to read him hot stuff from the back of her shampoo bottle. But all I can think about is the CHK CHK noise that those kind of bottles make, a CHK CHK noise I associate VERY strongly with chiggers, as my favorite bug repellent and sunscreen combo comes in a bottle JUST like that. CHK! CHK! CHIGGERS! I think to myself, and the ONE thought that NEVER follows CHK! CHK! CHIGGERS! is, "SEXY!" Then she looks COYLY into the camera and says, "That worked!" Um. Yeah.

As a member of the Fairer Sex, I admit that my experience of the INTERNAL MENTAL workings of the Sweatier Sex is limited, but it seems to me that instead of cell phones and the promise of a CHK CHK noise, that wife could, just, you know, show him her bra. Or, here's another thought, she could say, "Lawrence? Want to have some big sex with me?" Assuming her husband's name IS Lawrence, the almost universal male answer to the WANT TO HAVE BIG SEX question is "yes" --- especially if the one asking is your twenty year old wife who looks like a super model, as the KY Warming Pervert Mist chick is. If she is SOUTHERN and therefore INCAPABLE of directly expressing a need she has, then it is equally effective to droop around the living room and say, "Oh! How I wish I was having the big sex..." THAT will get her the attention she needs AND keep her passive aggressive manipulation skills (a staple of southern womanhood) honed and sharp. And no one will have to quirk anything or think about chiggers.

UPDATE: Scott says he would not find the commercial nearly so disturbing if it wasn't for the simultaneous promotion of the new SALAD MISTER dressing sprays. I say the ad campaign would be IMMEASUREABLY improved if they cross promoted these two products. They could make a series of commercials in which two chiggers find love and then run to the kitchen to make some more chiggers on a bed of lettuce.

Posted by joshilyn at June 23, 2006 7:36 AM

You get all the good commercials (though I've finally seen the Lunesta lickety-lick moth.) All I get is Big Brother repeating "Power Stick! Apply directly to the forehead! Power Stick!" However.

The truly important question is Do you realize Snakes on Planes has a Wikipedia entry? We have been late to the party -- much backstory, filming of extra scenes to include the MF line which originated in an adoring fan's parody, t-shirts. Much gratitude for linking us to this cultural phenomenon. My daughter assures me the producers have also dibsed the rights to the title Snakes on a Boat, but I fear they're missing the point.

Posted by: rams at June 23, 2006 8:03 AM

Goodness! What's the world coming to? I'm so glad I don't watch TV anymore. I like the imagery of the happily bobbing little red boat, though. *chuckles*

Posted by: David at June 23, 2006 8:14 AM

... can't... breathe....

Posted by: Mir at June 23, 2006 8:51 AM

Mir sent me over, and it was worth the trip ;-)

This was so funny that I had to read it twice. And now the salad mister is forver linked in my mind to KY. and I will be lkaughing inappropriately at many a picnic this summer, and it will be ALL YOUR FAULT.

Posted by: chris at June 23, 2006 10:03 AM

Yeah...the Duggar family...This is what happens when you decide to never watch T.V. again. Perhaps if they did, they would find themselves as "quelled" as you are by the KY couples and they could stop with the "the Lord will make his quiver full" business. I'm thinking if that man's quiver is not full yet, he needs to seriously put his quiver on the South Beach Diet.

Posted by: Angela at June 23, 2006 10:20 AM

Hahahahahahaha! Oh no... you *do* get all of the good commercials. I haven't seen that one yet, although the OTHER K-Y commercial you described always makes me and my husband laugh. And quirk our eyebrows suggestively at one another.

Posted by: Aimee at June 23, 2006 10:21 AM

"quirkitty quirk quirk"
Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!!! You are SO FUNNY. You should abandon your writing and go on the stand-up circuit. Well, don't abandon your writing, but maybe you could do both? I would definitely stay up to watch Conan if you were on.

Posted by: Mel at June 23, 2006 10:37 AM

sigh...another jab at marketers, and without even the common decency to plug one of MY toothpastes...I guess I see how it is. ;)

I'll see that spot when it runs on Dora or Diego. Or possibly Magic School Bus.

Posted by: DLFancyPants at June 23, 2006 10:39 AM

I have two words for you, Joss: Mute Button.

If the Bad Ad has ever been on my TV it has flown peacefully and harmlessly over my head due to my vigorous and consistent use of the mute button during TV ads. I think the inventor of the mute button should be nominated for sainthood.

Still, I guess I should be glad you don't mute, since then you wouldn't have been able to write this post and make me laugh.

Posted by: DebR at June 23, 2006 10:42 AM

Oh my goodness. This is classic, Joss. Just classic.

Posted by: Heather at June 23, 2006 10:44 AM

This is one reason I don't have TV!

Although now I'm rather intrigued. I mean, why would you want to mist lube around? Wouldn't it get all over the place? Like all over your clean sheets and, god forbid, on the lovely piles of books next to your bed? Yucky.

Posted by: Edgy Mama at June 23, 2006 10:58 AM

Speaking of peculiar commercials, is anyone else creeped-out by the one that is running (rampantly, I might add) now with two people in sleeping bags. The man wakes to the sight of an orange and black tarantula crawling across the face of his red-haired wife. I don't even know what the commercial is for because I grab the remote everytime it comes on. Eeuuwww!

Posted by: Jan in Norman, OK at June 23, 2006 11:31 AM

Now the point that is being missed by the slick misty promising ad is this... Younger (than me) good looking, rich people have no sexual imagination, a perverse idea of forplay, and can't communicate face to face....oh oh oh and are perversely lazy - mean really walk down the stairs and show him your big girl panties.

As for the tarantuala ad to induce you to buy a tent...my husband (who hates spiders as much as I fear snakes) now said we will buy a fifth wheel. Oh, crap I just hit middle age. :)

Posted by: Cele at June 23, 2006 12:08 PM

Gross. Why do people need to be warmed in their crotches anyway? Who has a cold vagina? I mean really? It's not meant to be metaphorical, is it?

Posted by: Lydia at June 23, 2006 1:45 PM

Err... Lydia, the warming stuff IS good. I must say. Just doesn't need a commercial like this one. *grins*

Posted by: Heather at June 23, 2006 4:15 PM

I don't know how to break this to you kitten, but if thinking (opperative word here) human beings were permanently rendered incappable of arousal, and thereby ceased to procreate, the species would devolve into the kind of slack jawed inbred bugger eating morons ad executives envision when they write those commercials.

Not to put my people down, of course. And in our defense the KY Spritzing Pervert Mist is every bit as sexy and irresistible as Axe Body Spray. Put them both together and . . . Well, I know this is an "adults only" edition of your blog but I'm not sure you're old enough to be Axed by a Pervert.

Posted by: debra at June 23, 2006 4:16 PM

oh my god, I have a warming sensation but I think it's because I nearly peed myself reading this.

Posted by: mme-p at June 23, 2006 4:37 PM

I do hate to drag you down from your soap box.
But did I miss a post where you talked about being in Sundays (june 18th) AJC SUMMER BOOKS TO READ SECTION. If you missed it girl, it was #4 on the list of about 35! I think that would call for a little spreading of the peacock feathers! Even if it's just the little ole Atlanta Journal Constitution.

Posted by: desi at June 23, 2006 9:48 PM

So, I went to the KY site to see what this mist was about, and it's NOT EVEN LISTED. Ugg.

However, apparently, KY allows you to "Discover a whole new world of intimacy!" For some reason this makes me think of Aladin, but also wonder what exactly a "whole new world" might be....

Posted by: Autumn at June 23, 2006 11:03 PM

Here's the link:
Warning: IT NEVER STOPS PLAYING! It repeats over and over... And you can't get away...

Posted by: carolie at June 24, 2006 12:43 PM

I can't tell you how much I love your posts. Well, except they are really distracting. I'm all but forbidden to read them when a) I'm drinking coffee; or b)my husband is working in our shared office. I either spray my screen with java, or laugh so hard that he gets distracted. My screen wipes pretty easily, but after I start laughing, he usually asks, "Are you at Joshilyn's site again? What's she talking about this time?" Which means I have to read him the whole post, then we both end up laughing, and it takes him at least half an hour to get focussed on work again. He's sitting across the room from me quirk-quirking his eyebrows as I type. Yikes!

Posted by: dee at June 24, 2006 5:41 PM

i'm not southern, but i really think i'm going to have to use the "oh! how i wish i was having the big sex" b/c just saying The Big Sex makes me giggle and i want to see how rob would react.

heh heh

Posted by: kristen at June 26, 2006 3:27 PM