June 20, 2006

Upsy Downsy (UPDATED!!!)

Good Thing: There is a movie called SNAKES ON A PLANE coming soon to to a theatre near you. If they change the title, I will seriously cry. It's the best title I have ever heard AND really CAPTURES the essence of a film that I IMMEDIATELY want to go and see. If I had to play guess the plot, AND I DO, I would say that probably there are these snakes, see, and they somehow get through security to board a plane. I hope one immediately bites the pilot. I hope one is a bulimic anaconda who eats and then pukes up a flight attendant to make room for MORE flight attendants.

The only explanation for this project getting greenlighted is that there is a special brigade of angels who live in or near Hollywood and their job is to MAKE ME HAPPY. THANKS, ANGEL BRIGADE! DO NOT LET THEM CHANGE THE TITLE! The only thing that could RUIN this experience for me is that Samuel L. Jackson is in the movie, so it might actually have some production values. BOO production values! I am comforted by the presence of actress "Crystal Love" whose name is actual Crystal LOWE but at first GLANCE I read it as LOVE and I am sticking with that impression because it sounds more FORMER PORN STARRISH and ups the likelyhood that the snakes will be a cross-section of cheesey national geographic stock footage and blindingly fake CGI. ohpleaseohpleaseohplease.

I am all atwitter with hope, although it may only be ONE angel, because a BRIGADE could have gotten "ROBOT SNAKES ON A PLANE" greenlighted, and come up with a plot device to get the metal snakes through the airport detectors. ("Just put your keys and that giant bag of perfectly harmless metal snakes in the bowl, sir, and pass through....") And Scott says, whether a single angel or a brigade, they only care about me and not him, or they would have gotten ROBOT SNAKES ON THE HOOTERS BIKINI PLANE greenlighted. Still, we must be grateful for what we DO have, which is snakes. On a plane.

Bad Thing: We took all but one of the baby gerbils to the pet store, and they KINDLY took daddy gerbil as well. We went from 10 gerbils to two gerbils --- the mother, Snickers, and a little grey girl-child gerbil we call Cosy Mole Mouse.

Good(ish) thing: Snickers responded to the much less crowded living conditions by promptly delivering a whole ANOTHER litter of BRAND NEW GERBILS. They look like pink beans right now, and the faint birdishy chirpings are one again filling the family room and making it cheerful. Gerbils can have one to eight babies, and this is the SECOND time Snickers has maxed out her baby-making potential. heh. We are back up to ten gerbils. It is VERY sweet, however, to watch Cosy Mole Mouse be all HELPY and kind, doing the job the Daddy gerbil last time. Cosy Mole helps build and rebuild the nest and lies on the little bean babies to keep them warm when Snickers needs a break to eat or run in the wheel. As an added Bonus, Cosy Mole skipped the one part of the Daddy job we didn't really need repeated, namely the IMMEDIATE RE-IMPREGNATION part, so. I am happy-sad that this litter SHOULD be our last.

Creepy Thing: Do you know gerbils can HOLD their litters? Snickers was pregnant again within 15 minutes of delivering the last baby in litter one, but the cage was so crowded that she just....HELD the new babies until things cleared out. Kangaroos can do it, too. *shudder*

Typical Pathethic Thing with a Good Ending: Yesterday, when I picked up Sam from basketball camp, I somehow threw my keys down a rain gutter. I SO wish I was kidding. I was walking along, tra la la, having buckled in Maisy, and as I swung my arm forward, my fingers spasmed and RELEASED the keys and they went zooming through the air ten feet and bounced RIGHT down a big gutter. I went back in and IMMEDIATELY all the basketball coaches came out and stood around in a manly manner deciding how to fix it. They poopoo'ed my first suggestion (sit by the hole and cry) and my second suggestion (call Scott to come with his keys and give mine up for lost) and my third suggestion (Gum? On a string???) in favor of the far more sportly plan of yanking up the giant heavy metal plate and tossing it lightly aside and sending the skinniest man leaping straight down into the dank hole to grab the keys and then reaching for his arms to do the fireman wrist grab and hauling him straight up and out.

Moral Thing: Men can be EXASPERATING THINGS what with the inability to express their feelings and the barking at sports teams and the public ball adjusting and all, but OH! they are SO good to have around when you hurl your keys into a storm drain. And, too, I bet in the Hollywood marketing studies, the target demographic for SNAKES ON A PLANE reads like this: "Men, and Joshilyn Jackson." SO, in closing, let me say...

THANKS FOR EXISTING, MEN! Without YOU I would have no keys, and while there would still be snakes and also probably planes, those two things would not be likely to come together in technicolor with Dolby surround sound.

UPDATE I: If you look on the page I originally linked to, you will find that THERE IS A TRAILER!!! THERE IS A TRAILER!!! I WATCHED IT!!|!| THERE IS A STEWARDESS WITH AN AX! A SURPRISE BRA SNAKE POPS OUT OF A LADY'S BLOUSE! A CAT IS IN JEOPARDY! SAMUEL L. JACKSON WHIPS A MAN IN THE HEAD WITH A SNAKE!!!! And then he says "Enough is enough. I have had it with these snakes." It's the only line in the WHOLE trailer except for "AAAARRRGGGHHH!!!" and "HELPPPPPPP!"

I am SO Happy.

Update II:
Here is an interview with Samuel L. Jackson about Snakes on a Plane and why the title is so vital to the health and happiness of America. Please note the mention of the 350 pound BERMESE PYTHON who will, I prayerfully hope, take on the role of the stewardess vomiting anaconda...

Edgy Mama linked to SNAKES ON A BLOG a blog all about and only about snakes on a plane...with bacon.

Posted by joshilyn at June 20, 2006 7:32 AM
Comments

While I hope the presence of Samuel L. doesn't raise the production values enough to spoil things for you, I have to say that if I found myself on a plane with a bunch of smuggled assassin snakes (robot or organic), I would be looking around hoping to see Samuel L., not to mention a stewardess with an axe.

The cat thing disturbed me. I like cats.

Posted by: DebR at June 20, 2006 9:00 AM

First of all, if you had seen the size of our last house, you would know that even humans can TRY to hold their pregnancies as long as possible. My poor son lived in the computer room for a time. It was his choice though, I offered him an extended stay in my body but he wanted to be born! Ingrate.

Second, Snakes On A Plane could have been made with no men around but I suspect it would have had quite a different plot. Perhaps instead of real, slithery-type snakes, it would be about a group of women who trick all of their undesirable ex-boyfriends onto a plane where they discuss What Went Wrong and after much soul searching and self discovery, the men disembark snakes no more but enlightened (maybe just a little gay) metrosexuals with a skin care regime. Don't tell me you wouldn't watch that!

Posted by: Em at June 20, 2006 9:02 AM

ugggh, the idea of Snakes on a Plane makes me shudder *shivers* but I'm glad you're happy about it! x

Posted by: diane at June 20, 2006 9:17 AM

Just one question Joshilyn........
Did you go back to the dentist, when I told you not to?

Posted by: desi at June 20, 2006 9:56 AM

Em, I thought that the female-driven version of Snakes on a Plane would be with feather boas, snake skin shoes, boots, and purses, and snake-skin print clothing -- tasteful, of course. Plot? It has to have a plot?

Posted by: hollygee at June 20, 2006 9:57 AM

O Joss, there is a wonderful Snakes on a Plane blog, by this guy who, like you, became similarly obsessive about the schlocky lovliness of the concept, and has been gunning for an invite to the premiere.

I'm off to find the blog and then I'll put the link in your comments.

What I think is creepy is that Mama Gerbil was able to get pregnant 15 MINUTES after delivering her first litter! Ouch!

Posted by: Edgy Mama at June 20, 2006 10:00 AM

It's http://ww.snakesonablog.com.

Check it out!

Posted by: Edgy Mama at June 20, 2006 10:02 AM

OH! I would not worry too much about Samuel L. Jackson bringing production values. He has been in some truly CAMPISHLY BAD movies, including the dreadful "Deep Blue Sea" in which I rooted wholeheartedly for the sharks. I have high, high hopes that this film will be as entertaining as "Anaconda," which is even more entertaining if you watch it in Spanish, since the dialogue matters NOT A WHIT.

Posted by: Aimee at June 20, 2006 10:42 AM

Anaconda is, in fact, one of the more entertaining movies ever made. Especially if watched in Spanish, as my sister just mentioned. Unless you speak Spanish, I suppose...

The highlights? Perhaps when the snake swallows someone (pre-fame Owen Wilson!) and you get to see the outline of his FACE! through the snake's BELLY! Or it could be when the snake swallows Jon Voight and there is the snake throat cam that follows his descent into snakebellyworld. Ab-so-lute-ly fabulous.

The only downside? J-Lo is not consumed by aforementioned snake.

Posted by: Laura at June 20, 2006 11:31 AM

ERRRRR your snakes on a blog update goes to Jackie Coopers webpage, not www.snakesonablog.com you may want to update your update, but at least sweetness Jackie is getting extra hits! LOL

Peace and caramel,
Tina

Posted by: tina at June 20, 2006 11:31 AM

All fixed now. :) You're so speedy wonderchild.

Posted by: tina at June 20, 2006 11:48 AM

Ooooo. I am SO seeing this movie!!!!! I just love a film with surprise bra snakes. They are my favorite!

And the thing with the gerbils, it kind of ookes me out. Could be that I'm 9 freakin' months pregnant. I dunno.

Posted by: Jenn2 at June 20, 2006 12:04 PM

It had to be snakes didn't it. Well another movie I will...
1) not rush out to see
2) not rush out to buy
3) go to bed when Ducky watches it on some Sci-fi
marathon evening when it is paired with
a) Anaconda
b) Anaconda II
c) Attack of the Snakehead fish
d) Ben

Give me a Komodo marathon....again....please NOT

Posted by: Cele at June 20, 2006 12:14 PM

Mock not the cheesy horror film. It was this very genre that birthed James Cameron in his directorial debut, Piranah 2: The Spawning! In the words of the director this was, "The greatest film about flying Piranha ever made". You gotta respect that.

Personally, I can't wait to see Snakes On a Plane, even if they refused to put the snakes on the now defunct Hooters airline.

Posted by: Mr. Husband at June 20, 2006 1:04 PM

My extreme love for SNAKES ON A PLANE has forced me to break out of lukerdom to say that it's one of only two summer movies I can't wait to see ( the other was HUGH JACKMAN IN A TIGHT LEATHER COSTUME, and I already saw that.) In fact, my whole family is at a fever pitch of anticipation. I'm going to take my 12-year-old son (who has never seen an R-rated movie, in part because he parrots any Bad Words he hears) and when Samuel L. Jackson says, "Get these VERY BAD WORD snakes off this VERY BAD WORD plane," I'm going to hum loudly in my son's ear.

Who am I'm rooting to get eaten? The guy who always sits in front of me and reclines his seat to its utmost just as I've gotten my laptop precariously set up on my teeny-tiny tray. Boo-yah!

Posted by: Julia at June 20, 2006 2:36 PM

Tulip, you're....weird. In a good way, of course, but...snakes? On a plane?? Is a good thing??? Oooooookay. If you say so.

Posted by: Amy-Go at June 20, 2006 5:03 PM

Me, I will be passing on Snakes on a Plane. Reading your post about it is surely as good as it could ever get.

But the keys down the gutter thing? That has been a long-time worry of mine when I pass a gutter or emerge from the car having inadvertently parked next to a sewer opening. I tend to clutch more tightly at my keys, which always makes me wonder if that sense of fear is what will make me spasm and drop my keys down there anyway.

So I have TWO vicarious experiences fulfilled through your post today and need not live through them myself, thank you very much.

Posted by: Diane at June 20, 2006 5:07 PM

Not only am I going to see this movie, I'm dragging my snake-ophobic husband along.

We've had our own home version - Snakes Under the Couch, thanks to our fast, little cat. Luckily no fifteen footers, though.

And if there's a python, I'm guessing some guy who was rude to a flight attendent will get slowly squished to death. Yay! Snakes on a Plane!

Posted by: Laura at June 20, 2006 7:23 PM

I just have to say how wonderfully timed this entry was. My friend told me of this incredibly wonderful film only weeks ago when she called to inform me that the new phrase at her doctor's office for "shit hitting the fan" was "snakes on a plane." I immediately picked up on the phrase and use it in my teaching job and around my house though my husband jumps each time I say snakes....especially since we're taking a PLANE ride this Friday. I can only imagine how much fun I am going to have...:)

Posted by: Joy at June 20, 2006 9:55 PM

you think dropping them down a storm drain is bad? i dropped mine down the elevator shaft in a creepy parking deck in downtown atlanta. of course i was alone. cold and dark friday late night after work. no plane 'o snakes there, but no team of basketball coaches, either. just me and the winos.

Posted by: dramamomma at June 20, 2006 11:07 PM

I don't thing you're giving sufficient credit to Solution #! (sitting by the storm drain and crying.) Scarlett would be the first to tell you that Solution #4 is at least half fueled by helpless-woman-tears. You did your part. Now God bless the appropriate use of testosterone.

Posted by: rams at June 21, 2006 7:44 AM

As someone who is EIGHT months pregnant, why in dog's name would any animal HOLD THE PREGNANCY??? I'm already ready to scream GET IT OUT!!

Posted by: Heather Cook at June 21, 2006 11:50 AM