June 16, 2006

Notes from Valiumland

I have a dental procedure today, so, here are some snippets of things I wanted to tell you, in honor of me being disjointed and sedated. I will post b4b results by Sunday PM or at latest, Monday AM.


Jill: Did you see this? Tim Burton is going to make SWEENEY TODD, and guess who will be playing the demon barber of Fleet Street? ....JOHNNY DEPP!!!
Me: Ooooooooooooooh. I wonder if Johnny can sing?
Jill: Um, Doofus. Who CARES????

My new favorite swear: Great Fancy Moses!


The other day I ran out of shower gel, so I picked up Scott's soap from the little soap dish thing and...it felt weird. It had little RICEY grains in it and was all ROUGH like it was made out of cat tongue. We have a lot of weird soap because when I stay at a hotel, the first thing I do is steal all the extra soaps. The little bottles of shampoo irritate me, and how many sewing kits and shower caps does a girl need, really? But the soaps....I take 'em in positive HERDS, I tell you. If I am in a place more than one day, I load the extra soaps into my suitcase EVERY MORNING, so the maid will put out all NEW soaps. Espcially if the soap is Aveda.

And a lot of times it IS Aveda, but this wasn't. It was some homeopthic loofah grained ricey soap. Warner has put me up in some pretty swanky pads, and what have we learned? RICH PEOPLE LIKE WEIRD SOAP. Me? I like FREE soap. I was an Ivory girl until Dove started the campaign for real beauty, using models that are, like, normal human sized and pretty in the way real, regular pretty people in the MALL are pretty, so we support Dove in thehopes that MAYBE my daughter won't get an eating disorder from comparing herself to all the six foot tall 110 pound pouty lipped glossy haired airbrushed to perfection 17 year olds with preternatural cheekbones that sell every OTHER kind of soap.

I use the stolen hotel soaps for by the sinks in the bathrooms, and if we run out of Dove soap, we pirate the hotel soap stash for the shower until I go to Kroger. ANYWAY, I pick up this weird soap and lather it up and...start to SMELL something. It's not a BAD something, really, in fact it is rather pleasant. It's just out of place in a shower. And it is hauntingly familiar. I keep using the soap, sniffing, sniffing, trying to identify it. Finally, it comes to me: This soap smells like....bacon.

Now, I am a HUGE Bacon fan. Bacon is one of those things I can't have in the house because I will eat the bacon and eat the bacon until there is no more bacon. I ESPECIALLY like taking bacon and a half a pound of butter and putting them into some GRITS with really a lot of salt. I also like bacon all by itself, or with some eggs, or on a biscuit, or in cornbread dressing, or crumbled onto salads, and if you are standing on the corner holding some bacon I might try to lick it as we pass by. You know that DOG NOSE on TV that runs around going BACON BACON BACON BACON? Yeah, I auditioned for the role of that dog nose, and the director said they wanted a male voice, but that MY performance had certainly had the most CONVICTION. HUGE bacon fan here. HUGE....
But. It's disconcerting, to say the least, to bathe in sudsy bacon, no matter how much you like it.

I also started to question my marriage. Maybe this wasn't stolen HOTEL soap after all. Maybe this was Scott's SECRET BACON SOAP, and the key to my unending adoration of him. Lo these 12 lovely years ago, had we made the transition to red hot lovahs (after SEVEN YEARS of platonic best friendship) because he started smelling like delicious breakfast meats? Troubling...Troubling...

Ah well, we have two kids now and a mortgage and I STILL think he is the cutest guy on legs, so baby, if that's the key, I guess you should keep on using the soap.

Posted by joshilyn at June 16, 2006 3:04 PM

As far as one of our best friends is concerned, bacon is its own food group! You're in good company there ;-)

Johnny Depp as Sweeny Todd??? Too fun!

Posted by: Beth at June 16, 2006 3:30 PM

Ok.. if dogs start following you home or your little brood of rat-like animals start looking at your toes and licking their little rodent lips... you do know it's all your fault, right?

Posted by: Heather Cook at June 16, 2006 4:00 PM

Yes, I'm trying to refrain from cursing and Fancy Moses popped in my head. I keep re-reading the first line of my post yesterday because it makes me laaaaugh. And laaaugh. I'm simple that way.

Soap should never smell like food! I bought chocolate soap once and it ended up making me nauseas. Although I DID want to dip my husband in vanilla ice cream and eat him. Is that weird?

Bacon is BEST on a BLT with crisp lettuce if you ask me. Mmmm. I think I see tonight's craving...

Thanks for the making me laugh today. Over soap, no less. ;)

Posted by: Lena at June 16, 2006 4:44 PM

Heck with the soap -- I want what the dentist gave her...

Posted by: rams at June 16, 2006 5:16 PM

Eau de Baacon (say it with your nose plugged and it sounds like very expensive soap). Most excellent- what will be next, meatloaf after bath splah? I see a potential market to supermodels and skinny waify things . . . If you can't eat it, wear it!

Thanks for the laugh today!

Posted by: KimG at June 16, 2006 6:52 PM

First time here~~Glad I followed the link. Your too funny! I agree with you about the bacon, I too have some what of a bacon phetish. I love the comment about the Dove campaign. I love that sooo much, for all the same reasons. Thanks for the laugh!!

Posted by: maksmomma at June 16, 2006 9:52 PM

See now, I say "Sweet Fancy Moses!" all the time.

And bacon is quite a bit like crack. Except more addictive, and sadly for my waistline...legal.

Posted by: Laura at June 17, 2006 12:22 AM

ROFL. I take hotel soaps too. I love Dove. And OMG really? Johnny? I can't wait.

Posted by: Heather at June 17, 2006 9:49 AM

Where to start?

Johnny Depp could play the barber chair and I'd watch LOL

I read Laurie Notaro, whose fave swear is, "Flying Spaghetti Monster" (abbreviated FSM)which makes me giggle every time I read it.

I love Dove. All things Dove - beautiful birds, spectacular chocolate, terrific soap-with-one-quarter-moisturizer.

Bacon soap as secret aphrodisiac - ROTF!

Thanks for the giggles - wonderful as always.

Posted by: Marti at June 17, 2006 11:22 AM

I think Scott could smell like...um...newts, and you'd still think he's fabulous. He's your lobster.

Posted by: Kira at June 17, 2006 12:16 PM

Sweety patootie,
If I were you, I would take very good care of my teeth.As much as is genetically possible.
You scare me.

Posted by: desi at June 17, 2006 4:28 PM

Wonder if Yankee has a bacon scented candle ;)

Posted by: poopie at June 17, 2006 5:36 PM


Posted by: Amy-Go at June 17, 2006 5:48 PM

LOL Kira, and she's his crab! ("I peench...")

Posted by: diane at June 18, 2006 10:05 AM

Wait, Bacon cologne.? What a brilliant idea! Copyright it now.

Damn, I've got to go eat breakfast.

Posted by: Edgy Mama at June 18, 2006 10:12 AM

If Johnny Depp plays the barber chair can I sit on him, uh, it?

Bacon: Oh so delicious. The real reason God made pigs. Take the bacon. Coat it all over in delicious brown sugar. Bake in the oven until crispy. Eat it straight off the pan, crumble in salads, on ice cream, off Scott, whatever. It's delicious.

Posted by: Deb at June 18, 2006 2:10 PM

Much as I love bacon and fresh soapy scents, who cares what the soap really smells like? Just so long as they use some. Regularly and often.

I'm just saying.

Posted by: Lulu at June 21, 2006 3:27 PM