June 7, 2006

The Mythological Life-Eating Spotted Hydrax Time-Disjunction Monkey

I have one. (If you are asking, "One what?" then see above.) I HAVE one, and it is sneaking around, mythologically (and craftily) EATING my life and disjuncting my relationship to time. Not that time and I were ever, like, really, really, really tight. But still. I have a metaphorical monkey on my back, and I think he stole my watch.

In Lee Child's Reacher novels, the main character has this uncanny ability to set an inner clock, and his military training and internal clockiness allow him to doze for, say, an exact hour and then wake up just in time to slaughter bad guys and make fierce rompy, dog-man love with one of Child's signature competant female characters who has already rescued herself, thanks, but now needs help to go back in and eviscerate evil. (I like those books a LOT, can you tell?) But I myself am the anti-Reacher. I have the uncanny ability to not realize it is March for WEEKS. Some years I don't realize it is Monday until long after a completely different Monday than the one I think it should be has rolled around, and I am now smack in the middle of the following Wednesday. (I'm also not like Reacher in that I don't know 56 ways to kill a man with my bare hands. I only know 9.)

I say all this to try to explain this freaky thing that's happening: I'm losing time.

Let me rephrase. I'm losing much more time than is normal for me. I VERY OFTEN lose a minuet to blank staring, or misplace an hour or two, forget a day maybe here or there, every now and I again I space out and drop a week. Now I am losing whole MONTHS. Seriously. Did you know it's June? Well, you are one up on me, buddy.

If you watch too many Law and Order reruns on USA and BRAVO (and I do, Lord KNOWS I do), you might begin to believe that the ONLY logical explanation is that I have Multiple Personality Disorder. I woke up feeling full this morning, which either means I ate too many baked Cheetos while watching the UNSTOPPABLE GRINDING DEATH METAL TRAIN WRECK that is the Janice Dickerson Modeling Agency Show on Lifetime or Oh! or some channel that REALLY ought to know better, OR, and this seems far more likely, the spooky serial killer personailty I keep stored in my occipital lobe (along with the frigid librarian and the innocent child and the promiscuous snakey man-ho) manifested at five am, and I spent a coupla hours next door, paddling about in a kiddy pool filled with blood and grilling myself of tasty steak-of-neighbor with family dog sauce.

When they come to arrest me, I hope they send Vincent Donofrio. Because, Yum.

ANYWAY, for those of you who are equally afflicted by Space-Time-Contumium-Disaffected-Disorder, I have a Newsflash: It's JUNE.

On the THIRD of the month that it now is, gods in Alabama came out in paperback. And I MISSED it. I did not go to my local bookstore to look at it. I did not even KNOW. I am still back in MAY, hoping it will do well when it comes out, hoping my launch into the word of having a paperback goes well. Yeah, well, already happened. I was in some sort of cosmic bathroom, powdering my nose for daysanddaysanddays. I missed the thrill of seeing the display on the first fresh day, but on the bright side, I also missed FOUR days of frantically pacing around, hoping my baby is faring well and, if not flying off the shelves, at the very least leaving them at a brisk trot.

PAPERBACK! OUT! NOW! GAHHHHHHHHHH! I'm going to go look this afternoon and buy a celebration Iced Caramel Coffee Drink. As for you, this would be a good time to go buy one for everyone you ever met.

Posted by joshilyn at June 7, 2006 8:45 AM

Got it.
Heading to the bookstore this very afternoon.
Thanks for the reminder.
FWIW, I really had no idea it was June until saturday. I've been helping a friend plan her wedding for months. I woke up Saturday morning and realized that the wedding was THAT DAY. The THIRD day of June. How had I missed the other two days? How? And to be honest, I really don't remember May at all. The last thing I truly remember was getting back home after a trip to Vegas, and that was in APRIL. No idea, really, where all those days went.

Posted by: dee at June 7, 2006 9:43 AM

Do they sell alarm clocks that set weeks in advance? Because if they do, maybe you should get one and set it for a certain day in July when another certain Important Book comes out. Or else you could just have Jack Reacher set his internal alarm and then call you. Or you could if he was real. Maybe Lee Child could call you.

PS...my formerly-in-the-military spouse can do the internal alarm thing. It's a bit freaky, but quite often useful.

PPS...I just (last week) read the first Reacher novel and I liked it but found myself skeptical that a man who had been on the road for six months with only infrequent showers or changes of clothing would be hot enough to be instantly hit upon by a smart-and-sexy female cop. I'm just sayin'

PPPS...I still want to read some more of the series though. Maybe he buys more clothes in future books.

Posted by: DebR at June 7, 2006 9:59 AM

Hello! It is June. And I'm sure your squee delicious baby paperback has been doing fine. I, on the other hand, cannot even remember what it was that I committed to do in May that I haven't yet done. Eep.

Posted by: Mir at June 7, 2006 10:01 AM

Oh, you established authors! So blase about these things. ;-)

Posted by: Jensgalore at June 7, 2006 10:07 AM

Well I, for one, am damned glad to hear it, beacuse yesterday Amazon said end-of-July and my book group is reading it for July and I would have had to leave town. But I would have put it in the order basket for my son-in-law-the-directing-student had I but known.

As it was, I got him the hardcover. ;^>

(Got him you and Ron Rash's One Foot in Paradise. Told him Tommy Lee Jones for the Rash, Tae Diggs for Burr. If you've got other ideas, better speak now...)

Posted by: rams at June 7, 2006 10:52 AM

Ha! I believe that this it totally normal writer behavior. When I'm working on a good article, or attempting The Fiction, I cannot do anything else. I can't wash dishes, I can't put dishes away, I can't fold laundry, I can't (G-D help the world!) drive or even go for a walk.

I just simply cannot formulate writerly thoughts without remaining motionless. Not surprising I 'compose' while in bed or in the tub.

Posted by: Heather Cook at June 7, 2006 11:55 AM

Finally paperback! yay! Will go look for it today!!

Posted by: Autumn at June 7, 2006 11:58 AM

I have two words for you: OUT!

And your paperback is so pretty!

Posted by: Karen Abbott at June 7, 2006 12:02 PM

Congrats on the paperback. You know, the lost time thing isn't always so bad, it can beat waiting around for time to get here. Lost time is good for those of us who lack *ahem* patience.

Posted by: Peek at June 7, 2006 12:20 PM

I have your paperback reserved at Amazon.com so I don't forget to order it! I agree with Karen, the cover is pretty.

Also, I second the Vincent D'Onofrio=Yummy sentiment. I know he plays a little crazy on the show, but I bet he's sexy in person. Mmm, mmm!

But not as sexy as Captain Mal "Tightpants" Reynolds. Double-Yum!

Posted by: Elizabeth at June 7, 2006 12:31 PM

I'm sorry, I can't comment. I have to run out to the bookstore and buy up all the giA paperbacks...BYE! ;)

Posted by: Amy-GO at June 7, 2006 12:51 PM

You don't have Space-Time-Contumium-Diiaffected-Disorder. You are merely unintentionally Zen.

By the way, did I miss your mention of "gods" as a SIBA fiction finalist? Or are you manifesting your Zen-like unattachment again?

Posted by: debra at June 7, 2006 2:57 PM

I was going to say I'd never missed a book release date, no matter how flaky I got, but then I realized that I just did. Oops. In all fairness, it was an anthology I just had a teensy essay in, so it's not like I'm totally insane. But still, yeah, I know all about that missing time problem. It's not so much, "Wow, is it five already? Where did the day go?" as it is, "Wow, is it 2006 already? Where did the 90s go?"

Posted by: Shanna Swendson at June 7, 2006 4:19 PM

Dude, JUNE? how the HELL did that happen???

But paperback out!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And thank you so so so much for your nice note in Seattle... Janine from SMB presented it to me in the green plastic bucket she'd bought for me to barf into, should the need arise, but I don't think that was ANY comment on your note or anything.

YOU ROCK!!!!!!! PAPERBACK OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted by: Cornelia Read at June 7, 2006 5:46 PM

You'll be pleased to know that I found your time. This would be the only explanation for why work FEELS like 16 hours instead of the 8 it actually is.

Posted by: Contrary at June 7, 2006 7:30 PM

Oh, see now, I KNEW it was June because in June I a) stop doing school for the summer, b) have my 14 year old stepdaugter come to stay with us although her room is currently INFESTED with my sons, thereby causing a crisis of rennovation, and c) celebrate the 5th (5th! OMG! 5th!) birthday of my baby.
So. For the better part of a month I've been eyeing June as it bore down upon me. It bore down, I bounced nervously on the balls of my feet, it bore down, I whimpered slightly. It bore down.
Now it's HERE.
I'm not ready.

Posted by: Kira at June 7, 2006 9:17 PM

Congratulations on the Paperback :)))

I am similarly afflicted, only my inner clock is mired in quicksand, and I seem to be moving at a turtle's pace compared to the rest of the world.

Finding it hard to believe it's June already!

Posted by: Angel at June 7, 2006 9:24 PM

Okay. This may not be about the post, exactly, but...I have just finished the first three chapters of GIA, and I can not put it down. I am ignoring the kids and my husband, puttting off laundry, allowing dirty dishes to sit in the sink overnight(never do that), and had to come and type you something. If anyone has not read this novel, DO IT!! It is one of those that I am sure I'll be sad to see end. I'll be pissed, actually, I'm certain.
What I am really tempted to do is to write a ditty on how it is MAGIC to me. *hint, hint* But, I do not have a blog(though want to have one badly).
From a writer's eye, the novel is spectacular. From a mother's eye, the novel is captivating.
From a former teenager's eye who hates her small town cohorts, it is revealing. Shall I just be frank and say LOVE IT!!!
(Joshilyn, feel free to contact me for magnificent blurbs on the book. Ha ha ha. )

Posted by: Sweet Pea at June 7, 2006 10:26 PM

Dudette - congrats on the paperback. Now off to stand in the middle of the Fred Meyer paperback aisle and sell some gods In Alabama...I did this with Natalie's Wives and Sisters and had sooooo much fun, and met some great people.

Dudette - if you want I can pass your addy on to Lee, maybe he can help you...The man has an awesome sense of humor.

Posted by: Cele at June 8, 2006 12:16 PM

I looked for your book at Books A Million in Grapevine, TX, last night, not realizing it wasn't in paperback yet. I was disappointed to find only one copy, and it was hardback (and I was poor), so I assumed the pb wasn't out yet.

Guess you must have sold out of the paperbacks there already! Or...they were on some table and I missed them by not looking. Drat, maybe that was it! Either is good for you, though, right?!

Posted by: Julie at June 8, 2006 10:09 PM

I wish you could have warned me sooner. My baby is turning 6 on the 16th and it's his turn for a birthday party. You have definitely not given me enough time to plan this thing. How could you?

Posted by: MoMMY at June 9, 2006 7:29 AM

Julie, I wouldn't judge the whole of the book world by B-A-M in Grapevine. I swear, that store is stuck in some kind of weird warp. They may have had one copy of the paperback that sold instantly, and they won't re-order it when it sells out.

I was soooo very glad when they opened a B&N near me and that was no longer the closest bookstore to me.

Or maybe I'm just bitter because on release day of my last book they had one copy, shelved spine-out. I'm hoping the empty space next to it meant they previously had another copy that had sold. And they don't seem to have restocked.

Posted by: Shanna Swendson at June 9, 2006 10:45 AM

Shanna, I did notice that there was a copy of Once Upon Stilettos and it was face out on the shelf! (Hey, did you do that? ;) No Enchanted Inc., though.

I hadn't been in a Books A Million for years...not really since I lived in Alabama, strangely enough, but thought I'd see what was happening in there while we were at the mall.

Will definitely check B&N for Joshilyn's pb book, though. I lived in a small town in Alabama and can only imagine the laughs this book might bring as I remember those days. :)

Posted by: Julie at June 10, 2006 3:22 AM