May 31, 2006

In Which I Sit Atop Your Cappucino

I'm reading four books.
I have a funny (if somewhat dead) red head by my bed.
Evil Toddler Killing Polygamists are in the kitchen, propped open face down so that I am sure the borrowed spine is being BROKEN and I keep meaning to go in there and BOOKMARK it and close it so it is not damaged and then forgetting. HEH.
Cornelia Read's first novel graces my restroom. (This one I'm slowly eking out to myself simply to enjoy the language---it's a reread, obviously, since my utterly sincere slavering fangrrrrrrl blurb is on the back cover).
Part DEUX of Karen Abbott's MS is in my office. I'm reading THAT for writing group AND!

I just found myself opening my falling-to-chunks copy of Pride and Prej, which is the literary equivelent of Mashed Potatoes and Mother's Biscuits. Nothing quite comforts me like the acid wit of Dearest Jane.

Usually I read at MOST two books at a time, but just now I can't remember what I am reading. I can't remember to blog. I think I've eaten nothing but 7 MILLION organic almonds today, because I keep realizing I am hungry, and then I go to the kitchen meaning to get something to eat, and then I notice the spine on that book breaking, but it;s all the way over in the breakfast nook, so I grab some almonds, and head across the kitchen, and then I stop because I realize what HAS to happen NEXT and next thing I know It's an hour later and I am back in my office feverishly typing with nuts in my teeth and I remember that I did not close the poor breaking spine of the Evil Toddler Killing Polygamists even though I was JUST in the kitchen, and hey....I seem to be hungry.

Why so blue, Panda Bear, you ask? And by "blue" you clearly mean "mentally ill." WELL! I am DRAFTING all this week, LORD HELP ME, DRAFTING, which I HATE. And all the books are because I get that vague burny itch to put my eyes on some text that isn't stinking of FRESHNESS, some actual polished revised and re-revised text, and I am so clinically NOT OKAY IN MY HEAD that I ignore the open books in every other room in this house and pull down and open one more. DRAFTINGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!

As a bonus, I am SURLY. I keep threatening Scott with HOOKED INDEX FINGERS.

DIGRESSION: It is a long standing conceit in our marriage that my hooked index fingers are DEADLY DEADLY NINJA-weapons, and HE KNOWS!!!!! that when I make them at him, he is SUPPOSED to go leaping backwards, shrieking like a big girl, but he always forgets and I have to say HELLO! YOU ARE BEING THREATENED WITH DEADLY DEADLY NINJA WEAPONS, DUDE and then he says, "oh. right. help." in such a a BLAND voice that MANY TIMES I have been forced to kill him and bury him under the scuppernong vine tree just to remind him how VERY deadly my hooked index fingers TRULY ARE. And yet the very next time I bring them out...

So. I am reading five books. I have officially added Jane. I'm scattered, smothered and covered, BUT NOT CHUNKED, thank the Lord.*

Oh yesyesyes, I am drafting. HATEFUL HELLISH PUTRID VILE DRAFTING. I would rather be REVISING. I would probably rather be ON FIRE. But no, I have to draft because without this hateful part I have nothing to revise and without anything to revise I don't have a book, and without a book, I CANNOT MEET MY DEADLINE. Remember deadlines? Yeah, me neither.

Beneath the shrieks and the manufactured hysteria that I am producing here in my hysteria factory so I can BLOG instead of DRAFTING or starting to read a sixth book, do you think I sound...inappropriately cheerful? Maybe I secretly AM cheerful. Or maybe, I am delirious because this office has no oxygen left in it. I USED IT ALL UP.

NO! LOOK! I AM COMPLETELY CHEERFUL. GAHHHHHHHH! What is WRONG with me? Seriously? Why is it that PRESSURE makes me start to bubble and foam, but the underlying foaming agent is...not lye soap, as previsouly suspected, but rather....PLEASURE? I can tell that beneath my surly and put upon and WHINING and hysterical exterior I am ... pleased.

There's a beast in me who likes to WIN, who WANTS to do nine impossible things before breakfast because doing SEVEN impossible things is for potzers. Seven is for dilettantes. Seven is for people who need oxygen to LIVE, and here I am frothing up my entirely oxygen-free office like your own especial pet anaerobic nightmare on STEROIDS. YAY!

I shall now go draft more. And maybe get some nuts.

*If you are not from the 25 mostly Southern and midwestern states that have 'em, I should explain that Scattered Smothered and Covered and yes, even Chunked is how you can order your hash browns at Waffle House (AKA La La Waffi'el AKA Chez Waffla). But if you order hash browns there at ALL you are crazy. Because they have grits.

Posted by joshilyn at May 31, 2006 2:30 PM

I would offer my sympathies, but this is YOU. It's what you DO. It would be like throwing open the window in the early morn and hollering into the dewy air, "OH WEE BIRDS! I'm so sorry you have to be up so early, singing your tiny heads off! SORRY, WEE BIRDS!"
So, I'm not really sorry, wee bird. Sing on.
But now I want grits. And for THAT I am truly regretful.

Posted by: Kira at May 31, 2006 2:47 PM

When I go to Waffle House, I get hash browns AND grits. I can never remember which words stand for what in their arcane hash brown code though. I always have to look it up.

I just finished Cornelia's wonderful, fabulous book and currently composing blog entry and Amazon reviews in my head (hopefully both to be posted in the next couple of days).

I also just finished watching Patricia R's movie version of Mansfield Park (speaking of Ms. Austen) and why-oh-WHY did I do that?? You warned me. You warned us all. But I had to see for myself. Sigh.

I'm not wishing climbing mental illness numbers on you, truly I'm not, but it must be said that your blog entries are Too Much Fun when the numbers climb.

Also, Evil Toddle Killing Polygamists is a GREAT title!

Posted by: DebR at May 31, 2006 3:24 PM

I need an editor to proof my comments before I hit "post." Sheesh! Oh well, hopefully the above is decipherable. (Is that a word?? See! Need. HELP.)

Posted by: DebR at May 31, 2006 3:26 PM

I agree with DebR... your entries are very fun when your MIN is high. I usually think "phey! someone with a higher MIN that me!"

Posted by: Heather Cook at May 31, 2006 4:00 PM

Wheeeeeeeee! The drafting roller coaster is on FIRE today; shooting flames out the back, even. I should probably have a moment of "Awww" for you, but I can't get past "Yippee, another work in progress!"

LOVE the deadly ninja hooked fingers.

Posted by: dragonfly at May 31, 2006 5:41 PM

So, about 8 months ago I became addicted to reading blogs... one of those blogs was "Woulda Coulda Shoulda". And to satiate my insatiable apetite, I headed for more blogs and ended up here.

And here I heard about a book called gods in Alabama. Well wouldn't you know! I was moving to Alabama from my small town in eastern Canada that very same month. But... I couldn't find it anywhere (the book, not alabama).

Now, it's eight months later, I have experienced Alabama and recently moved back to my hometown in Canada. I check out the local library, and there it is, waiting for me to check out.

I haven't started reading it yet, but I thought it was nifty that I could comment here just to let you know.

That's all!

Posted by: Evelyn at May 31, 2006 5:46 PM

Please don't hook the deadly ninja index finger at my confession--I grew up in Gergaw and now live in North Kakalacki, and I HATE grits.

Give me chunked, scattered and smothered anytime!

Posted by: Edgy Mama at May 31, 2006 7:16 PM

Who hates Grits? Not you, Edgy mama! NOOOOOO.
In the Bible, when Moses is leading God's people to the promised land (Tennessee). The stuff that fell from the sky to give sustenance (sp?) to the Jewish people, you know the passage! The Bible says it's "manna", but it was a mis-translation! It was actually supposed to be spelled, G-R-I-T-S.
Joshilyn, honey, I only find solace in your insanity, because I know I will get a new book out of the deal. CRAZY ON, FAIR LADY!!!!!!

Posted by: desi at May 31, 2006 8:57 PM

I stopped in at the wonderful CODY'S BOOKS in Berkeley, CA to pick up an autographed copy of Cornilia's "Field of Dream's". May I just say it was the perfect companion to fly back to North Kakalacki with? (And yes, that sentence ends with the dreaded prepositional phrase - which is why I do software, not authoring) ... but back to Cornilia ... go forth - read, contemplate - and understand why Joshilyn is re-reading! I will endure high MIN and all types of craziness to sit down to a Jackson or a Read product …

--- Moi

Posted by: Mit_Moi at May 31, 2006 9:36 PM

Oh, I need to get Cornelia's book. It's item number 839 or so on my "MUST DO RIGHT NOW" list.

Under the Banner of Heaven was SOOOO depressing and yet fascinating and yet depressing that I'm pretty sure my head exploded while I was reading it. Which means that breaking the spine is too good for it. So there.

I miss you. Call me when you're done drafting and maybe I will be done feeling sorry for myself by then.

Posted by: Mir at May 31, 2006 10:28 PM

Breathe Joss, Breathe!!!!! hmmm thank you for the good reading suggestions...except the grits... not that you read grits, but you could read while you're eating grits...they just don't translate well to Oregon.

Posted by: Cele at May 31, 2006 11:08 PM

I actually get both the hashbrowns (chunked with onions, thanks you) and the grits (lots of butter and salt and pepper, thank you). Because life is not about limitations. And other shoe commercial cliches.

Posted by: Contrary at June 1, 2006 12:49 AM

I just finished a reread of P&P myself and DANG it was fun!!!

Posted by: Pattie at June 1, 2006 8:31 AM

Oh you guys, it is 5:42 in the MORNING here and I SO do not want to be awake, but my daughter totally assassinated sleep, so here I am, and yet YOU ARE ALL SO WONDERFUL you make me happy to be sitting here exhausted at my computer in the icky darkness..... THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today I am leaving for Seattle and LA, which means that after Monday my tour stuff is mostly over, but MAN it has been fun. Except I didn't get any grits anywhere, not even Houston. SAD!!!

Oh, thank you again for making my insomnia an actual blessing................

Posted by: Cornelia Read at June 1, 2006 8:44 AM

Count me in as a "A Field of Darkness" fan! Thanks to your suggestion, it just accompanied me on a trip to Jamaica, where it very much enjoyed the beaches of Montego Bay and Negril. It may even be wearing a little sun screen and rum punch.

And now I reeeeaaallly wish I was still in Georgia and not in California so I could go to the Waffle House and hear "Mornin' Hon!" and get me some scattered, smothered and covered. Mmmmmm.

Posted by: catherino at June 1, 2006 11:02 AM

Y'know, your MIN is so high, it almost hid your reference to the single most creepy ad that's on TV right now -- "Why so blue, Panda Bear?" GAHHAAAHAHAHA! He's eating her head!!!!!

I may need to find a Waffle House soon... I think I need to learn to translate this wonderful sounding patois -- mmmmmm grits 'n hash browns!

Posted by: Beth at June 1, 2006 11:37 AM

GAH, now I want me some Waffle House. And they don't offer that out here in No-Man's-Land.
22 days til I see you!! Maybe I can get me some scattered, smothered & chunked while I'm there. Can't Wait!

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