May 12, 2006


Laume asked me about HOW I work, the mechanics of fictioning, and I haven't had time to answer, so I am blogging it, thus killing two birds with one massive shot-gun blast to their smug, tweeting faces that woke me up with their INSIPID WARBLING at TOO-DAMN-EARLY:thirty this AM. (Here you say, GRUMPY MUCH? and I say, INDEED I AM.)

But first -- to Business.

I've heard from LESLIE, our Special! Guest! Blogger! and former B4B winner who writes The Clutter Museum, and she has the seven finalists for B4B! Trala. Remember, the winner will receive the adoration of the masses™, a link from my site, the right to be a Special! Guest! Blogger! should B4B continue, and, last but MOST, a piping hot fresh autographed copy of Kim Ponder's critically feted debut novel, The Art of Uncontrolled Flight


THUS SAGT LESLIE OF CLUTTER MUSEUM: "Here are my top seven selections for this month’s Blogging for Books. It was a tough decision to make!

Radioactive Girl
I ended up here. . .how?
Random Outpourings
Give Me Something to Sing About
Inside My Head
Red Shoe Ramblings

Thanks again for everything. I received my copy of Fly on the Wall from E. Lockhart yesterday and I’m looking forward to reading it."


And now, back to my angst, back to my sturm, my drang, AND ALLOW ME TO SAY, it's going to be ALL STURM ALL THE TIME around here because The Bad Thing is happening again...Scott has left the building. FOR A WEEK. I am SO horrified. Scott is the balast in my boat, the endorphins in my blood stream, the anti-sturm, the soother of all sad babies, and sheet changer to my bowl holder when Maisy pukes ALL NIGHT LONG (like she did yesterday).

Life without him plainly SUCKS. It sucks WHOLE HAIRY GOATS. That's right, the ENTIRE goat, it sucks the goats down to nothing one by one, as if goats were LOZENGES, and continues to suck them even when the goats say, "Prithee good sir or madam, I beg that you please stop with this! I cry you mercy, for indeed, I lack air, trapped as I am here in your cavernous pink maw!" But the goats' entreaties are for NAUGHT. That's how much it sucks goats. (PS But don't worry about them because truly, if the goats could not get enough air, they would not be so capable of all the high-falutin' BACK-CHAT. So.)

SINCE I am too grumpy to do anything but talk dirty into the phone whenever people call claiming to have JUST A SURVEY....DIGRESSION. Actual Sample Conversation from yesterday, as close to word for word as memory allows:

Chirpy Girl: HI! Don't hang up! I'm not selling anything! I promise! I'm with something-family-something organization, and we're calling families to see what they think about all the violence and sex on television. Do you have small kids at home?
Grumpy me: *sour tone* Yes.
CG: Well, a lot of folks with kids at home are wondering what they can do to help clean up TV and make it family-friendly. Is that something you are concerned about?
GM: No. I love sex and violence.
CG: *pause....breath....nervous titter.* Yoyu're being sarcastic, right?
GM: No. I love it all. Very entertaining. Especially violence. Have you seen the Sopranos this season?
CG:, but---
GM: Oh DUDE, it's AWESOME. I miss Adrianna though --- they drove her out into the woods and shot her face off last season. You know what though? As much as I love the show, I don't let my nine year old watch it. I'm kooky that way. I just tell him no, because, like, I'm the parent. It's neat how that works out. I also don't let him watch Alan Shore sexually harass Parker Posey on Boston Legal, but man do *I* sure love it! Did you see it this week, when he cleared off the desk and said, "Let's just get this over with, shall we?" Um... Hello? Hello?

Yeah, she hung up. Can you imagine? I am not the ONLY one who is GRUMPY. But I am grumpy. OH! Also...incompetent.

LAST time Scott was out of town, here is an ACTUAL conversation my son had at school with his Gifted Program teacher, as GLEEFULLY reported to me during our parent teacher conference (The gifted teacher sat in on my conference with his regular teacher, saying, as she took her seat, "I don't susually sit in on these, but I HAD to meet the mother of SAM!" And she said it in the same tone she would have used had the words "mother of Sam" been replaced by "mother of a four-armed talking sea-monkey that shoots spooky magic spangles out its nose holes and eats people." ANYWAY, here is the conversation Sam had with her last time Scott left town.

Teacher: Sam, where is your lunch?
Sam: I get to buy HOT LUNCH today!!!!
T: Are you sure? You always bring your lunch.
S: Not this week. My DAD is out of town, and my MOM doesn't know how to make lunch.
T: ....Your mom doesn't... know how to make lunch.
S: Nope. She doesn't have a clue how.

THANKS, SON! As I told the gifted teacher, and I state again for the record here: I DO know how to make a (*#|*$^&|%# sack lunch. I simply CHOOSE NOT TO. When Scott is out of town, I cut out everything non-essential for survival and we live very simplified lives, because otherwise, *I* will begin to shoot spangles out my nose holes and eat people. Scott is an odd duck, really---I mean REALLY a VERY odd duck, first on how he persists on being married to a girl who dreams of having a global positioning system (and ON STAR!) installed directly into the central nervous system so I can find the way to my own bathroom without getting lost and wandering into a wall, and secondly in that he CLAIMS TO LIKE IT. I'm like the spangley purple satin high heeled shoe of wives: I'm fun, but I'm also excrutiatingly painful and I don't go with much. I am not the practical choice. I am SO not made by naturalizer. I am made by Steve Martin. (AND IF YOU GET THE REFERENCE YOU WIN A MONKEY!)

BAH! I have to go dig a hole in the backyard and sit in it and hope rain comes and drowns me. I can eat worms to pass the time. SCOTT! COME HOME! IT IS BAD HERE WITHOUT YOU AND I CAN'T DO NOTHIN' RIGHT....

Oh crap, didn't I start this by saying I was going to answer the interview questions Laume sent me? Let me scroll up and look... Yeah. See? Case in point.

Posted by joshilyn at May 12, 2006 8:19 AM

Oh my. You need a Poor Baby, don't you?
I know it doesn't help one little bit, but I know just how you feel. When Shane goes out of town, my oldest daughter just makes sure that we have plenty of comfort food on hand, and she always stocks up on chocolates. Then, from the day that he leaves, she takes over all regular tasks, like dinner, and making sure the chores get done, because frankly, I AM TOAST. I am not allowed to make any decisions while he is away. We've learned that it's just not a good idea for me to do anything that requires brain cells.
Basically, I spend my days in front of my computer trying to fool myself into believing he will answer my e-mails, and my nights on the couch snuggled under OUR blanket, watching chick-flicks with my oldest. He comes home and I run to the shower, because I usually don't make it up the stairs if he isn't home.
I feel your pain!!

Posted by: dee at May 12, 2006 9:18 AM

I want my monkey. Please send it priority mail. That way I will occasionally have someone else here to talk to, since I cannot call you today what with the busy schedule of eating worms and drowning that you've mapped out.

Posted by: Mir at May 12, 2006 10:09 AM

Oh, Joss. I sure hope you'll forgive me for waxing insensitive here, but OMG you're a screamin' hoot when your M.I. number goes up like this. And in defense of The Great and Powerful Scott, bless his heart, I think I remember you sort of quoting him on the matter of WHY he seems so attached to you and his answer was something like life never being dull around you. And Amen to that! NOBODY does hypothetical digressions like you do them! Especially the ones in Olde English! *desolving with glee* Oh, and the phone solicitor? *ROFLMAO* You RULE! *much bowing and scraping*

Posted by: David at May 12, 2006 10:12 AM

About B4B - Thank you Leslie! :-)

About Scott being gone - Shouldn't there be some sort of clause in his work contract that he's not allowed to travel while you are planning, writing, and/or revising a book? Maybe y'all should look into that.

About the goats, the chirpy girl, and the Sam and teacher converstaion - ROFLMAO!!!!

Posted by: DebR at May 12, 2006 10:25 AM

I want my monkey!
Oh, and sorry you're all grumpy n'stuff.

Posted by: Chris at May 12, 2006 10:28 AM

Oh, that something-family-something? My hubby's aunt (who at the time I had NEVER met-- she lives halfway across the country) gave them my name and number. I had the same reaction as you, although not as funny :) Oh and my sons like to tell people all the things I "don't know how" to do as well.

Posted by: Laura L at May 12, 2006 10:37 AM

Sorry for your troubles ... but I have to say I LOVED your reply to the telephone personage. Yeah, what a cool idea -- maybe have parents exercise some control over what their kids watch instead of having a bunch of ... (people with strongly-held opinions different from mine) ... exercise control over what EVERYBODY can watch?!?!

I realized I was getting a little soapboxy there so I had to insert the phrase (people with strongly-held opinions different from mine) in place of a shorter pithier one I was going to use. Anyway, excellent comeback, Grumpy You!

Posted by: Trudy at May 12, 2006 11:17 AM

I just love reading anything you write. I think this is the first time I've commmented though. It must have been the hairy goat lozenges that got me.

p.s. - Cruel Shoes?

Posted by: catherino at May 12, 2006 11:44 AM

Oh, that was so totally the type of conversation I have with those STUPID SURVEY people. Argh, you sign up for the National no call list and THEN find out it doesn't effect surveyers, non-profits, and your ex's creditors.

How old do you have to be to think you want to wear purple spangled (torture chamber) shoes? Shoot me before I get that far...okay. But those cute beige suede wedgies? I'm so there.

Posted by: Cele at May 12, 2006 12:07 PM

wha-hooooo, I want my MONKEY!
I Know exactly how you feel. Being married to a Marine for 18 yrs. Try functioning for 18 months at a time without the other half of your brain, (the good sane half)My girls thought everybody had pizza delivered every night for dinner. and wasn't shy telling the world either. Several times I dug a hole, but alas, the water table in Va.Beach was too high, & I almost drowned, so I just sat on the edge........for 18 yrs

Posted by: desi at May 12, 2006 12:14 PM

I feel your Grump. My Mr. Clean is the man behind the green curtain here. When he's home, life is Oz in its most perfect sparkling glory. When he's gone - the flying monkeys arrive to wreak havoc and the munchkin songs turn dark and creepy. Nothin' works.

Way to take it out on the survey girl, though!

RE: B4B -- Congrats to the 7 finalists!

Posted by: dragonfly at May 12, 2006 12:46 PM

Re: B4B - Thank you! Can I SQUEEEEE here too? (oh, I just did) And Congrats to all the other finalists.

ROTFLMAO about your conversation with the chirpy girl. So something I would've done.

Posted by: stephanie at May 12, 2006 2:38 PM

I'm tickled pink (and sparkly!) about B4B :))) Thank you so much!

I always think of witty comebacks to telemarketers AFTER I've hung up. Grr. I LMBO with your reply (and Spader...omg....yummy)

Sorry your husband is out of town :( I know I can't function without mine!

Posted by: Angel at May 12, 2006 2:44 PM

I'm so sorry your week is sucking, I'm sorry about the puking and the chirpy telemarketers who are puckered at both ends and your son's lack of faith in your culinary abilities.

But damn, you're funny. When my husband's away I just get bitchy. Oh, wait, I'm like that when he's around, too. Damn.

Posted by: Becki at May 12, 2006 2:59 PM

Oh, brilliant meme. If you were a shoe, what kind would you be?

I'd be a neutral metallic wedge sandal. Kind of hip, practical with jeans or skirts, but liable to break an ankle trying to be cute.

E-spouse is gone for four days. Wanna have a virtual Pomtini party tonight?

Posted by: Edgy Mama at May 12, 2006 9:25 PM

I was contacted by the "Clean TV" people, too, and they are selling videos. That is their whole deal. They sell videos that they created and the weird/funny part is listening to a grown man describe the plots to you over the phone. Heh.

Posted by: Sheri Guyse at May 13, 2006 2:28 AM

OOooooooooooh! the CRUEL shoes!!! LOVE steve martin.

and i will soon be ordering my wonderful copy of your book! with your SIGNATURE in it! HOORAY!!! :)

YEA you!!!

Posted by: kristen at May 14, 2006 7:48 PM

I won a monkey! I never win anything and now I won a monkey. That is so cool.

Posted by: Mary H at May 18, 2006 9:29 AM