May 4, 2006

Things I Learned Reading Miss Snark

**CORNELIA just pointed out that this is my 500th blog entry. Yowza. In 500 more I'll be a millennium. Or something.**

I am now about 3/4ths of the way through her (&#^$$_@ archives. For your own job security, do not visit this website. You will nevernevernever get out of it.

My friend Karen now closes our morning phone conversation with "Call me later for a virtue check. Don't click your link to Miss Snark." A virtue check is when we drop trou and measure the comparative word counts of our MSes. (MS = short for Manuscript) Because it's all about quantity, baby. Size MATTERS, and only people whose MS is SHORTER than your MS will tell you otherwise. SO we set a time for the virtue check and then I say OKAY! V.C. LATER! NO MISS SNARK! Then I get off the phone, and I MEAN to open MS word but my finger SLIPS and hits netscape and UP pops my browser and BOOM! I click on the link to Miss Snark and I am NEVER. SEEN. AGAIN.

I tell myself it's fine because I am LEARNING THINGS! Samples:

1) There is a cocktail called The Woo Woo. Vodka, Peach Schapps, Cranberry Juice, No garnish, in a rocks glass. I double dog dare you to order this cocktail and see if ANYONE knows what a Woo Woo is. TRIPLE dog dare you if you are a man. Any man who is able to order a Woo Woo with aplomb has NO need for word count. I take it on faith his MS is HUGE.

2) The Isaac Asimov Short Fiction contest had some VERY earnest entries that could have WON The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest. I simply must quote you a few of my favorites. These are actual entries, and for once, the typos contained within them are NOT mine. WELL CRAP! I meant to just post three or four but I started reading them (over at Miss Snark's)again to choose and went into hysterics and so here are 90% of them.

Out of the dark void came what looked like a giant rabbit followed by small rabbits which had looked as if they had undergone a mutation with three ears and 2 tails. They discovered they were on Rabbitania.

Weston was known for the firm but genital hold he had on his men. It was one of the reasons he was chosen for this mission over six other equally qualified men.

Freddy was in the habit of staring at Beverly's legs as they peaked from her Susie Wong slit dresses. She had a dozen of them.

"Something must have happened, since it's not like her to come back naked and not aware of anything."

He groped in his trousers and came up with a dirty piece of trash which I thought he'd just throw away.

"Stand slow!" a voice rang out with hollow ubiquity.

When I thought of the poetics of such a confrontation in the blackness of eternity, I laughed sardonically, in a dry voice, to myself.

"Good morning, Anna, Lovely maid," Logo said in a soft voice bowing slightly, "How nice to see your structured form again today."

The two naked bodies, which were lying beneath the satin sheets, were no longer the people whom everyone, who was anyone, knew whenever reality was in existance.

"Oovil snetch," he growled in his mind.

My shouted words were lost in the damp chill, and my legs were already beginning to bale out, filling my shoes quickly.

The willowy king stood tehre with his usually sick disposition. From the faint light in the hallway, his yellow glaring cat eyes pointed at him.

Kildo threw his waning arms around the large granite boulder.

Miles looked deep into those clear blue eyes who's debts were infinite.

"Be good," he called after her as he bit back the tears in his eyes.

Sudenly, all the eyes in the room rose from their fixed positions on the floor to stare at him.

Mona was on the liquilounge, her dark eyes pouring over him like warm jello.

John wasn't at all surprised at the transformation of his body into what he believed were light waves.

Fearless, as he was dumb, he walked over to the edge of the ship.

"Are the shields contoured to the ship" the computer asked breathlessly.

The universe is a vast region of deep mystery steeped in antiquity.

"Do you want to come over and have a gunfight?" I asked. He seemed a bit loath to answer.

They were human in every way but they owned the necks, heads, facial expressions were that of a chicken.

"Ejaculations aside, that's one hell of a package to swallow!"

Of course, his eyes couldn't help but embrace the pool in front of them.

Jake was not a man to show much emotion, but he found himself supressing the urge to smile out loud.

Ashala's head felt like vermicelli slowly slipping off the platter of her sholders.

A pool of surpressedd sweat started building under his forehead.

Kincaid was an older man with sparse grey iron hair.

And he was damned attractive physically, too. When she looked at him she felt...unusual.

Instinctively, without thinking about it, he grabbed the woman and hugged her and then gave her breasts a couple of playful pinches. "Commander please," she said as she blushed and began yodeling.

He gazed at what appeared to be an invisable column coming from an infinite distance.

Onion oil! I couldn't imagine anyting worse than a daily bath in onion oil.

He was tall, thin and bony, like a cadaver trying to remember something,

what was it? oh yes! I'm dead, I shouldn't be walking around like this.

There would not be many more darknesses before Lyra became a guardian,
and if sheh was going to keep hes promises that she would still boil boldy
as a guardian, she might as well practice.

Talan gestured at the controls. "Overheating of the glycgroms in the thermoperamulator. You know how it is."

She is powdered, painted, and tearful, playing again one of her greatest rolls.

The man spoke a foreign tonuge to them which they followed with out question.

The faces of the children were tear stained and pained Zone Paw to move on.

Are you going to go up t her and say, (you have to pardon me I'm form another planet, Let's get together for a life spand.)" The dwarf came back strongly.

"Marry me my beautiful moonlight Luna to this sun-born, non-stop make and viola!"

It seems occasionally events occur which had they not happened no one would
imagine they could.

It ws a planet spinning around Proxima Centauri, an Earth like planet covered with an average of two miles of water.

On Nov. 29, 2083 the object wold hit. It's antimatter would interact with ordinary matter on Earth and there would be an explosion with the incredible force of 1000 megatons. New York City is doomed!

I have so many responses to that last one. INCLUDING but SO not limited to:
OH NOES! Well, if NEW YORK goes, perhaps we can all escape to RABBITANIA!
Or mayhap you prefer:
OH NOES! Well, if New York goes, at least we can count on the dwarf coming back strongly!

Of course, I am also learning how to CORRECTLY query so I can get an agent....oh wait. I guess I have mostly learned that I did it correctly back when I was doing it. BUT SHE'S SO FREAKIN' FUNNY. And I like getting a peek at what's going on in New York, you know? I live in a place so NON New York that MY NEIGHBOR OWNS A PIGLET. And this is not some CITIFIED fancy Asian piglet with a bow and a leash. This is a meat pig. It comes with GRITS as opposed to IRONY. In fact THAT particular piglet has probably already DONE BEEEN EATEN and there is a whole another piglet by now. Glory Be.

ANYWAY. Today, this afternoon, I leave for every Southern writer's Jerusalem... Monroeville, Alabama, where Harper Lee spawned and then came to fruition and penned The Greatest Book on Earth without EVER mixing a metaphor like spawning and fru-itting. See also: Truman Capote. I'll be speaking at the Alabama Writer's Symposium. Monroeville would be PERFECT if only it was not in a dry county. Forewarned is forearmed, and I am personally forearmed with EVERYTHING you need to make a Woo Woo, including a shaker and Karen Abbott (fellow writer and certified mixologist.)

Back to Miss Snark...TALKING about her, I mean, NOT going to her blog. I cannot go to her blog. All I have packed so far is five pairs of shoes and some underpants and I SWORE to my editor I would mail her this essay thing before I left and right now the draft reads so DRY that I suspect my OWN CORPSE got in a time machine and showed up yesterday to write it.

And ANYWAY, I am now on January 15th, 2006 in the Snarchives SO I need to SLOW DOWN and SAVOR the last bits before I am OUT of Snarchives and I... MUST. REVISE. TERRIBLE. DRY. CORPSE ARTICLE. MUST. POST THIS...BLOG. *clicks link to Miss Snark.*

Posted by joshilyn at May 4, 2006 8:53 AM

Every morning I have a list of things to do and a heart full of good intentions and then I click the link to Faster than Kudzu and it's all over. ;)

If you want to come over later and have a gunfight, I'm available!

Posted by: Amy-GO at May 4, 2006 9:19 AM

"firm but genital hold"
six legs
melting eyeballs
vermicelli heads

Oh. My. GAWD.

I laughed so hard I nearly poodled my pants while my eyes gushed salt water like a really big salt-water-leaky thing and I gasped for air like someone pushed out of the airlock of a Voorilian war ship, only, you know, without the whole imploding in the airlessness of space thing.

When's the next IA short fiction contest again??

Posted by: DebR at May 4, 2006 10:01 AM

Deb -- is it a compliment or an insult that your paragraph would compete rather nicely in that group.

I so hate snorting my coffee in the mornings -- and yet, I can not help myself to read this and snort away.

Posted by: Patricia at May 4, 2006 10:11 AM

I'm a little creeped out by the eyes that rose from their fixed positions on the floor to stare at him. Also the eyes that poured like warm jello. In general, the eyes CREEP ME OUT. I need get someone in a genital grip, I think.

Posted by: Kira at May 4, 2006 10:25 AM

"Ejaculations aside, that's one hell of a package to swallow!"

Really, what else is there to say?

Posted by: Chris at May 4, 2006 10:28 AM

Those IA entries reminded me of teaching creative writing to high school seniors in the early 90s. The introduction of a word processor with a thesaurus in our computer lab made for some interesting reading.

Posted by: Mel at May 4, 2006 11:14 AM

Oooooo! I want a liquilounge too!!!!

More grits... less irony!!

Posted by: Cornelia Read at May 4, 2006 11:37 AM

oh my gosh, oh my gosh! I always did want to write a book, but didn't think my sentence structure, spelling, imagination,vocabulary, training,or education in such, would allow it (or have it actually sell)
Sweet Jesus, I'm getting me a WOO WOO and writin' me a book!
p.s don't laugh. I've seen them rabbits

Posted by: desi at May 4, 2006 12:57 PM

Sure I know the Woo Woo. We've served them here in Houston for a decade or so. The only problem with them is the idiots who get drunk off of them seem compeled to then run around like a freight train screaming WOO WOO!! (Sigh, life in the clubscene.) See the vodka is relativly harmless, less than an ounce, the peach schnopps even less of a player (only 40 proof) but the two together and the cavity causing sweetness goes straight to your head creating a 21 year old frat boy in your normal place. (Screams like an idiot, tends to hump anything that holds still, and falls in love with the closest person- "I love you man!") So Ccharming.

Posted by: Nic at May 4, 2006 2:02 PM

It's so *snicker* terribly reasuring to know *snork* that Weston has things so well in hand! *ROFLMAO*

Posted by: David at May 4, 2006 2:11 PM

Patricia, I'd say compliment since that's what I was trying for. Now if I'd been trying to write Serious Litrachurrrrr, well that'd be another story! ;-)

Posted by: DebR at May 4, 2006 4:01 PM

*creeping out from behind my safe wall of lurkdom to comment on a REAL PUBLISHED AUTHOR'S BLOG!!*

I've just got to say, I've been working on writing a lil' sumthin' of my own, and I suddenly feel much more confident about my writing abilities after reading those contest entries!! I'm feeling the need to go check out this Miss Snark website for sure! And Joshilyn, I just have to tell you that not a post entry goes by that you don't have me absolutely rolling in the aisles--you are such a talented writer!

*going back into hiding under my rock on the outskirts of Rabbitania*

Posted by: Angela at May 4, 2006 5:31 PM

This is my fave: Instinctively, without thinking about it, he grabbed the woman and hugged her and then gave her breasts a couple of playful pinches. "Commander please," she said as she blushed and began yodeling.

Cause, I always yodel when Corey grabs my breasts. *rolls eyes*

By the way, what do you think of the rumor that Capote actually wrote To Kill?

Posted by: Heather at May 4, 2006 8:32 PM

No! He never did!! I never heard of that and wish I never had!

Now I feel like I've just taken a daily bath in onion oil.

Posted by: elswhere at May 4, 2006 10:52 PM

Now see, the daily bath in onion oil really DOES sound like one of the worst things that could happen.

Well, okay, except for the vermicelli head and the jello eyeballs. And the yodeling.

I agree with Angela. I'm going to re-read all the novelish things I've written and be very glad that not one of them, wait, one does have a rabbit, but it's a real rabbit...for a novel, that is...but not even the science fiction story has anyone throwing away anything they've found in their trousers! And not one person says "Oovil snetch" ever.

Posted by: Fran at May 5, 2006 3:09 AM

It's kinda catchy, though. Could "Oovil snetch" be the new Lemony Snicket? Hmm?

Posted by: David at May 5, 2006 7:46 AM

I think "oovil snetch" sounds like a character IN Lemony Snicket. I could totally picture the Beaudilaire (sp?) kids discovering they have a nasty old Uncle Oovil Snetch who is trying to be their guardian.

Posted by: DebR at May 5, 2006 9:54 AM

oh, Joshilyn, I can see you running around the Writers' Symposium (in terribly cute shoes, bien sur) with a cocktail glass in hand, yodeling, "Do you want to touch my Woo Woo, kids?"
P.S. IF that should actually happen, pleez post video!

Posted by: Elena at May 7, 2006 10:44 AM