April 26, 2006

For All the Dogs I've Loved Before

I started thinking about all-the-dogs because An Alert Reader sent Miss Snark a letter quoting something I said about openings in an earlier post (an even more Alert Commentor told me about it!) AND LET ME IMMEDIATELY digress.

DO NOT follow the above the link to Miss Snark's blog. Lord, I'll never see you again. I've tried to write this entry for two days now and for two days it's gone like this:
1) Open blog file
2) Read the part I already wrote ("I started thinking about all-the-dogs because An Alert Reader sent Miss Snark")
3) Realize I need to make the words "Miss Snark" a link.
4) Open a browser.
5) Hit Miss Snark in Book Marks to cut and paste the address out of the browser.
6) Read Snarkives for an hour.
7) Realize I have NO MORE TIME TO BLOG and am actually already behind schedule for the day.
8) Say a bad word.
9) Read the Snarkives for another half an hour anyway.

That site is like two of the three most popular types of crack --- to be perfectly clear, it's like the addictive drug kind of crack, and ALSO like the kind you fall into during an earthquake that sucks you permanently down and you are never seen again. It is NOT AT ALL like the kind of crack that only plumbers used to sport but that now seems to come standard on every teenaged girl in America and LORD I just want to go to the mall and let Maisy pick out a toy for her little friend's birthday extravaganza without having my eyes assaulted by a steady barrage of rump cleavage. IT IS NOT PRETTY. Standing up, even the most emaciated girls look like their hips are a globulous scoop of ice cream sticking out of the too-small dwindley sugar-cone of the pants. And when they sit and the pants GAPE open I think little bits of silt and plaster and passing buglets must be getting in there. Kids today! I tell you! In my day, cokes cost a nickel and I didn't keep catching glimpses of the half-patooties of total strangers. Good times. Good times.

Did I digress again? ANYWAY, It is an awesome site, ESPECIALLY if you are a writer. If you aren't a writer, it's probably less endlessly fascinating because you lose the NAVEL GAZE factor and you don't have that WOW THIS IS A SHOCKING AMOUNT OF USEFUL INFO ABOUT PUBLISHING COMING STRAIGHT AT ME WITH NO BS feeling that writers experience. It's so freakin' funny, I think even non writers might get sucked into the Snarkian Vortex.


I started thinking about all-the-dogs because An Alert Reader sent Miss Snark a letter quoting something I said about openings in an earlier post, and as you can see from above I spent WAY TOO MUCH time over there (considering all the various deadlines I have LOOMING up at me all fanged and slavering and eyeballing me like I was a meatball sub and they were one of the last three left on the island...)

I am not going to get through this to the dogs. I keep haring off on dreadful DIGRESSIVE trips to over-extended metaphor-land.

Anyway. I love Miss Snark, even though she would not love me back, I am realizing. Miss Snark would never ever be my agent because she has a "don't kill even fictional dogs" clause standard in her contract, and once, talking with my editor about the Wayne's Dog Buddy scene in gods in Alabama, my editor said, "HEY! What is it with you and dogs? Chapter four here in BETWEEN is not exactly a love poem to dogs either..." and looking at the mounting evidence it seems like I might have it IN for the canine set, and yet I quite like dogs. And dogs generally like me back.

Jamie Lee Curtis: Did you kill dogs in your book?
Me: Yes. But zay ver ALL BAHD!

NO dogs are being at ALL harmed in my WIP, I PROMISE although maybe I should PUT a dog in that gets obscenely pampered to make up for the dogs of my past. That's the ticket! I will stick in a nice, lovable mutt that gets snacks and wanders through rooms on his way to nap, pausing to be lovingly petted and exclaimed over, and I can work it out so all of the main characters mention a time or two how much they TRULY do enjoy the smell of a nice clean dog or how a dog is a handy jogging partner or how a dog once saved the life of their child and maybe one character can have a funny recurring thing where he speaks faux Elizabethan English to his dog and gives it rapturously poetical nicknames, like, he could say, "Come thou, beloved blamed-for-all-my-farts, and prithee taste the fine moist kibbles I have scattered for thy delectation." Or he could say, "Oh Butt Smeller to the Stars, how glorious for one such as thou to live in a time when so many butts hangeth out of the pants..."


Tomorrow I will tell you about all the dogs I've loved before, starting with The Nose Poodle and ending at Hobbes. AND I have told the Haiku contest judge to be decisive by tomorrow! SO. WE HAVE A LIMERICK WINNER, but he/she/it has to wait for the winners to be announced, SO sorry, because the haiku cannot seem to be wittled down from a final 4 that are so very perfect, each in their own ways, that it may come dowen to an eenie-meenie-miney-mo type solution.

ALSO re: Nose Poodle. Can't we forget the pink socks? HAVEN'T I the last 900 times when I have said "tomorrow I will tell you..." Actually ended up telling you within a few days? IS THERE NO LOVE? NO MERCY? NO CLEAN SLATED FORGIVENESS? I beg of thee, release the forever lost tale of the pink socks to the cosmos...

Posted by joshilyn at April 26, 2006 8:05 PM

I killed three dogs but they made me take that out.

Oh well.

Miss Snark is a deity. A pearl beyond price.... YOU, however, are like fistfuls of rubies. Beyond price.

Posted by: Cornelia Read at April 26, 2006 9:51 PM

Miss Snark is quite good. But I luuuuurve your blog the best. I don't think that Miss Snark uses words like "verily" and "yea unto the seventh generation" and "three most popular types of crack" and she does not type in CAPITALS the way you do.

Posted by: Heather Cook at April 26, 2006 11:41 PM

You are so right about Miss Snark's blog. I'm addicted to it. Is there no remedy? I really should be writing! I'm new around here, but I've enjoyed your blog also.

Posted by: Miss Audrey at April 27, 2006 12:01 AM

Aw, now ya done it. Writerly stuff? I gotta go check out that site, fer sure. If I get forever lost over there, it's all your fault. Well, okay, maybe I'll blame it on the pink socks. *wink*
I shall go hither and seek CRACK -- er, enlightenment, oh, Exalted Queen of Delightful Digressionous Verbiage.

Posted by: David at April 27, 2006 12:46 AM

I have tried. I have. Tried with all I am (and that is a considerable amount these days) to get into Snarks' blog, maybe it is my frame of mind? Maybe it's because I will never be a published novelist. I don't get it.

I get you. I don't mean that as a put down. Because clearly EVERYONE gets Miss Snark...well everyone except me. Watch David will get it....and he gets you too....See?

And I know you love dogs. Not as much as pretty shoes or flirtinis, adorable children with cherub singing voices, and newts (okay skip the newts) but you do love dogs. Cute cuddlely puppies and old faithful pooches. Snarkville just doesn't know it.

Posted by: Cele at April 27, 2006 1:53 AM

Cornelia on the other hand *tsk tsk tsk* has the ASPCA hot on her tail. A canine census is being done in her town. Words out. :)

But sheeeee's so pretty

Posted by: Cele at April 27, 2006 1:56 AM

Cele is waaaaaaaay prettier.

And they were FICTIONAL dogs. Killed by a very very very bad person, FICTIONALLY, to prove what a terrible person he or she was. Also, you know, there was a little Greek allegory goin' on, with a Cerberus kind of thing.

But STILL... as it stands now, there were no fictional dogs harmed in the final draft......... My editor kicked my butt.

Posted by: Cornelia Read at April 27, 2006 11:26 AM

Lost tale of pink socks,
I release you. Be free now.
Nose poodle awaits.

Posted by: Aimee at April 27, 2006 12:29 PM

Since Aimee started it:

Once Joss had some socks that were pink.
She wore them 'til they did quite stink.
She promised a story
of love, lust, and glory,
but we'll let that all go with a drink.

Posted by: DebR at April 27, 2006 2:29 PM

Pink socks? What are these PINK SOCKS you speak of?
*bats eyelashes in a fetching, if empty-headed manner*

Posted by: Kira at April 27, 2006 3:24 PM

Re: Deb's limerick


Posted by: Aimee at April 27, 2006 5:29 PM

I can give you all the material needed for the most spoiled dog ever. Hands down a typical day in the life of Memphis the Basenji is a true tale of debauchery.

And yes she has many nicknames -- my fav is Princess Poops A Lot.

Posted by: debra at April 28, 2006 3:23 PM