April 6, 2006

I Have No Title to Help this Hang Together. It's a Mess.

EVEN MORE OF YOU have KINDLY linked to the Blogging for Books contest. I weep at your goodness and mercy, and stand with you to tut-tut at those non-linkers to our left. They clearly have no starz on tharz.

The Lunestra commercials BOTHER me. To IMMEDIATELY digress: ALL drug commercials bother me because I don't think prescription meds should RUN commercials that are all about convincing people to self diagnose for restless leg syndrome and acid reflux and lupus and ASK YOUR DOCTOR, not about YOUR ACTUAL SYMPTOMS, but about OUR DRUGS that PS may cause liver failure but at least the truth about herpes is getting out, which is apparently this: Herpes makes you CHEERFUL and BEAUTIFUL and THIN.

I was especially thrilled to have the opportunity to explain genital herpes to my 9 year old, since this is a commercial they apparently decided to run during a game show. NEAT! My kids came away from the commercial with the impression that genital herpes is itself a DRUG that causes you to own racing bikes and go boating. It was fun explaining that one. No, really. SO fun. Next week I am going to use A Bratz doll in its usual hooker wear to explain The Clap! Film at 11!

But what's bugging me today are the LUNESTRA ones, for insomnia, which I have, by the way. Insomnia, not Lunestra. And I didn't need a TV commercial to self diagnose. All the NOT EVER SLEEPING clued me in LONG before LUNESTRA came on the scene promising to cure me with their lovely, lovely addictive little darlings.

Have you seen them? The ones with the happy sleeping people and the Luna moth drifting in their windows? I don't like the subtext, which reads to me like "Take our drug! It will put you so deeply out that you won't even notice when our sly little spokes insect breaks in to touch you all over your helpless skin with his creepy bug feet!" The whole thing gives me the screaming wig. And it doesn't help that that bug is the size of my HEAD. I imagine his long stringy TONGUE uncurling to stroke at my drugged and helpless shoulder. "MMMM SALTY PEOPLE!" He screams in a teeny shrill voice, "LICK LICK LICK!" Just one LUNESTRA commercial, taken at bedtime, can keep me up for HOURS.

With NO segue, here is a picture of me posing writerly-ishilly with three other writers at a breakfast in New York:


That's Lani Diane Rich by the window; she also writes for Warner. Then Linda Sherwood is on my other side, and then then CJ Barry (who is now also writing for Warner) is on the other side of Linda. I mention this because Warner is also my publisher, WHICH BY THE WAY, the French just bought, did I tell you? I think we are going to be called Hachette now. Or Hatchette Livre.

The sale feels like a GREAT excuse to go out on Friday and eat unpasteurized cheese and drink REALLY good wine while wearing shoes SO beautiful and painful that the evening will end in corrective foot surgery. WE ARE FRENCH NOW! HUZZAH! BRING IT ON! I say. The pic above is the one that we all posed for trying to look smilingly professional and earnest and which will be presented as proof that this breakfast should TOTALLY be tax deductible.

Here is one that was taken that is a more accurate representation of the WORKING BUSINESS BREAKFAST OF TOTAL TAX DEDUCTABLENESS, which is, we shrieked and giggled like a pack of harpies on crack (who were discussing serious, tax deductible publishing issues) and then went shoe shopping.


If I can come up with a good angle, something about having to have better footwear now that we are connected to FRANCE, I will TRY to convince you the shoes should also be tax deductible. Give me a minute. I can get there from here, swear I can.

Posted by joshilyn at April 6, 2006 11:26 AM

You had to WALK into the restaurant in order to discuss all the Serious Writer Business, right? And I'm sure the restaurant would NOT have let you walk through their door without footwear covering your dainty toesies. Therefore, shoes = totally deductible!

I'm not a tax accountant and I also don't play one on TV, but I still totally think I'm right.

Posted by: DebR at April 6, 2006 12:43 PM

PS...is this whole deal about your publisher being owned by the French going to present a problem for Maisy, being as how she blames them for all instances of CatCorpulance? Just wondering...

Posted by: DebR at April 6, 2006 12:45 PM

Do any of your characters have footwear obsessions? Expensive shoe habits?

If you can make that happen, then, by gum, you must do shoe RESEARCH. And you can't adequately research them without wearing them on all different types of terrain, and my goodness, you can't wear them around unless you buy them first.

~Corrie (also not an accountant)

Posted by: redzils at April 6, 2006 1:17 PM

I've been wondering if that is why my menopausal fat butt has been growing, I use a different sleep aide? So I am not, pretty, thin, and younger looking. But I am bigger, meaner, and wittier than my dj that does use Lunesta - no wait he's meaner.

Posted by: Cele at April 6, 2006 2:47 PM


I will never view a moth the same way again. (I mean, my kids are already--for reasons wholly unbeknownst to me--afraid of moths, and so I will often join their clamoring with "LOOK OUT, IT WANTS TO EAT YOUR BRAAAAAINS!" But it never even OCCURRED to me to suggest that it wanted to LICK US.)

Posted by: Mir at April 6, 2006 5:09 PM

The thing that always gets me about the herpes commercials is when the thin, young hottie says, "Having genital herpes can really be a hassle."

Yeah. A hassle. You know, to me herpes sounds a little more like a terrible, terrible neverending curse, but hey, what do I know? I can't go boating because I get seasick and I can't go biking because someone stole my bike, and I can't be thin and cheerful simultaneously because ICE CREAM AND MEXICAN FOOD ARE TOO DELICIOUS!

Posted by: Renee at April 6, 2006 5:27 PM

Celestial Seasonings Sleepytime EXTRA. Not mere, well-meaninf C.S/ Sleepytime, which is just a nice little mint tea daydreaming about chamomile. C.S. Sleepytime EXTRA. Supposedly the extra is valerian, a lovely, pretty flower which whispers suggestions about relaxing to your muscles (and lets you wake up feeling just fine, thank you.) I'm certain, though, that it's the professional name of a team of Olympic quality moth dispatchers who surround your room, silently emitting such an aura of security that you feel utterly secure and waft off. I cannot believe it's over-the-counter.

Posted by: rams at April 6, 2006 11:01 PM

Finally, someone else who thinks those Lunesta commercials are freaky. My husband and kids are ready to tie me down and force feed it to me! I think the extra soothing hypnotical (is that a word?) voice is what freaks me out. "Big brother luuuuvvvvves you. Go to sleeeeeeep, my pretty!"

Posted by: Kelly at April 7, 2006 11:12 AM

I cannot bear to think of moths licking me as I sleep. But this is not a problem since I am not sleeping much.

HOWEVER, if you DO think up a good "must buy shoes because we are now French and everything" tax explanation thingie, will you please let me know? Because I am down to my last pair of shoes--low-top Converse sneakers. And they are plaid. Which rhymes with sad.

Oh, and guess WHAT? My inlaws got here A DAY EARLY! With two hours' notice!

O joy, o rapture.

Posted by: Cornelia Read at April 7, 2006 12:13 PM

I feel your pain. Try explaining "low incidence of sexual side effects" to a 10-year-old. She asked me if sexual side effects made you want to have sex with everybody you see. (No, honey, that would be adolescence).

Posted by: Lisa at April 7, 2006 1:00 PM

O Lisa, that was funny. Particularly given that I, yes, was once an adolescent in the dark ages, and that, two, I once made the mistake of teaching adolescents.

Cute pics, Joss. So nice to your and Lani Diane's cute faces.

Posted by: Edgy Mama at April 7, 2006 2:44 PM

Um... why is it that whenever I smile, my eyes go away? I don't recall not being able to see at the moment we took this picture. And yet... no eyes.

Very peculiar.

But yes, it was GREAT fun having breakfast with the lovely Joss, and even more fun trying to talk her into buying the shoes. I failed, but I tried, and that's what matters...

Posted by: Lani at April 7, 2006 3:36 PM

It's so funny you mention the commercials. I'm a nurse. Let me tell you, the stories I could tell. (but will not)OK, just one...I have a cartoon taped to a cabnet, guy sitting on exam table,says to dr. I've already diagnosed myself, I'm just here for a second opinion. If I had a nickle for every time someone comes in and says,"I've already seen the medicine I need, I just need a dr to write it for me!!!!!!!!!
OHH, and Lani, I too have "no eyes in picture syndrome" it's genetic, all pure blooded scots-irish decendents have it. It's their parting gift to us. Don't ya love it? :)

Posted by: desi at April 7, 2006 6:44 PM

Jealous of your meeting.

Posted by: Heather at April 7, 2006 7:00 PM

ATTENTION JOHNNY DEPP FANS: the cover of "Premiere" magazine (April 2006) has a great picture of Captain Jack towering over lesser Hollywood actors.

I hope it's okay that I posted this here. Whenever I see a picture of Johnny now, I automatically think of Joshilyn.

Posted by: Elizabeth at April 7, 2006 10:56 PM

I can't stand those Luna moth commercials, can someone explain to me why the damn ads are a full 15 and 30 seconds? That's forever for an ad and now I have to think about these things licking me!!
P.S. I've often thought those moths kinda look like the aliens in the flick The Abyss... is it just me?

Posted by: Nic at April 8, 2006 6:31 AM

I'm not certain what prompted me to come back and look at this again, but Joshilyn, you have the best damn commenters in the universe. This little pop-up box was almost as good as the original post!

Posted by: Mir at April 9, 2006 8:53 AM

Oh MAN! My 11-year-old asked me JUST yesterday what genital herpes was after watching that stupid commercial. It wasn't a fun moment. There she stood, the question sparkling in her innocent green eyes. Next to her, also with a question in her beautiful brown eyes, was her best friend.

How does one ANSWER this question?

A pox on all the makers of drugs for genital herpes and ED, which does not mean early deposit. Er. Well, I guess it could, but I digress.

A pox on all the ADVERTISING people for the drug makers who market said drugs on national television during hours when young children are part of the viewing audience.

As for the answer to the question, I say we tell them all genital herpes is what happens to toads when they wear their underwear too tight.

Posted by: Natalie R. Collins at April 9, 2006 3:22 PM