March 10, 2006

Deep Depp-tian Analysis

I used to think it was Tim Burton who had a problem. Scott and I used to joke about it, every time I would see Depp was going to be in another Tim Burton movie---how on earth, this time, was Burton going to attempt to do something to Depp that could successfully distract the eye away from the cheekbones, the hollowed eyes, the clean jawline, the cut glass mouth, all the things that together add up to the absolute sum of male loveliness. Depp's beauty is so preternatural, he can shame a breathtaking mountain vista into wishing it had run a comb through its hair. Maybe put some blush on.


Depp's beauty is so is so, so, so beautiful that his ridiculous overabundance of acting talent seems like an afterthought. Something God tossed in as a bonus. And if you think about it, that has to kind of, well...suck.

Here he is, probably the most talented actor in several generations, fearless and resolute in his choices, creative, innovative...and yet, if you say Johnny Depp, the first that gets said, always, always, has to be, "Oh, lord, he's so HOT." Because MY LORD. He is SO hot. It's my secret theory that Depp's removal is the true reason behind some American's recent feelings toward France. Depp is our Helen, and if it takes a thousand ships and a 50 foot wooden horse puppet, we want his lithe butt back in California.

So it was my theory that Tim Burton was using Depp's beauty to experiment:
WHAT on earth could he do that would distract the eye and make something MORE extant than Depp's intrusive physical perfection. What could POSSIBLY to pull focus from The Face long enough to allow us to notice how nuanced and layered and startling Depp's performances are?


Give him flock of seagulls hair and blades for hands? Still hot.
Ask him to wear women's lingerie and speak in Ed Wood's accent? Still SO hot.
Have him channel Angela Lansbury and Nancy Drew and coat him in gore while he shrieks like a big girl? So. Amazingly. Hot.
Put him in a pageboy and clown-white foundation and bug-eye glasses? Hothothothothot.
Most recently, he animated Depp! ANIMATED HIM, made him slim as a pencil with eyes as round as quarters, removed DEPP from the screen entirely and replaced him with a FACSIMILE that went down to mack fey-ishly upon a dead girl, and you know what? I thought that puppet was a little bit hot.

But the time has come to rediagnose. Maybe it was Burton's obsession to begin with, but Depp has joined him in recent years, striking out at his beauty at every turn. After all, Burton was nowhere to be seen when Depp replaced most of his teeth with black and gold rotty caps and channeled a perpetually drunken slightly gay pirate with a bath phobia. Never seen anything hotter, quite frankly.

And Depp let some chick DRILL HIS EYEBALLS OUT and then he wandered all over Mexico with NO EYEBALLS AT ALL. NOT EVEN A SCRAP OF EYEBALL! BIG RED GORY GAPING SOCKETS IN THE CENTER OF HIS FACE. I didn't see Burton there, and neither did Johnny, what with the HAVING NO EYEBALLS. Did I mention they DRILLED OUT HIS EYEBALLS?? You might can tell, the eyeball drilling thing gave me the complete wig. And yet, when he whipped off those sunglasses, I somehow looked past the gaping holes with the long blood-stripes for eyelashes and noticed...


The man is Totally Hot.

Tonight I am going with my friend Karen to watch Johnny's hair drop out in scabrous syphilitic hunks while he prances and gibbers wearing a strap on metal proboscus over the rotten scrap of his former nose, and you know what? I've seen the trailers. I have to say, he looks FANTASTIC as he dies of VD in a sanitarium.

I'll tell you his saving grace, as an actor. It's not that he's going to succeed where Burton, an endlessly inventive director, failed. I can't ever forget he's beautiful---if the eyeball thing didn't do it, THEN NOTHING WILL. But it doesn't matter, because every time I see him in a role, I DO forget he's Johnny Depp.

Posted by joshilyn at March 10, 2006 12:16 PM

What movie is the eyeball thing from?? I somehow totally missed that. (Also....Eeeeuuuwww!)

Will you PrettyPlease with a FlamingPineappleCocktailOnTop review the rotting away from VD movie after? (I know exactly which movie you mean but am drawing a total blank on the title and am too lazy to hit IMDB and figure it out. Heh.) I doubt I'll get to see it until it comes out on DVD. Sigh.

Posted by: DebR at March 10, 2006 2:29 PM

I have been completely infatuated with Mr. Depp since I was about 10 years old, and had a big picture of him up on my wall from then until I left for college. My husband doesn't like him (Which I think is solely because I do like him, so. very. much!) but I still drag him to see every single movie he's in because I can. And he's HOTT! Hope you enjoy the movie, and even if you don't, I hope that you enjoy his hotness all the way through.

Posted by: Jessie at March 10, 2006 3:28 PM

Oooohhhh...Johnny Depp? God, he's so hot.

Posted by: Angela at March 10, 2006 3:36 PM

Roger Ebert agrees with your assessment of Depp's talent (and probably about his hotness too). Good review on the silver nosed devil.

Posted by: hollygee at March 10, 2006 3:59 PM

Yeah.. I missed the eyeball gouging/drilling movie... which one was that??

Posted by: Heather Cook at March 10, 2006 4:40 PM

***VERY BIG SIGH**** Too distracted by the pictures to actually think up a comment....

Posted by: Laura L at March 10, 2006 5:32 PM

Ooh ooh, going to see the Libertine tonight, as well. Maybe this can do for Depp's hotness what "What's Eating Gilbert Grape" did for DiCaprio's. Come to think of it, Johnny Depp hotted up THAT movie, too. Hrrrm.

Posted by: Janet at March 10, 2006 6:11 PM

Okay I'm about to get flogged, booed and hissed, egged, or something. I don't get all hot and bothered over actors - especially when they have a stunning talent like Depp does. His talent eclipses everything else, he was fabulous as Captain Jack and wonderful as Gilbert Grape. I've still never seen Edward Scissorhands but I always felt there was something appealing there. The eyeball thing, I'm sorry just sounds sick and wrong - but then I like Ice Dancing so I guess that explains it all. I look forward to your review.

Posted by: Cele at March 10, 2006 6:51 PM

Even my lil boys are hooked, glued to Edward Scissorhands (our library movie of the week). And after the first showing, my 6 yo said we needed to go get "Captain Jack so we can watch them all day!"

I haven't caught the eye-drilling movie, and I don't think I would share it if I did.

Posted by: Patti at March 10, 2006 11:06 PM

Eyeball thing was Once Upon A Time In Mexico - came out a couple of years ago. It's the sequel to Desperado and it's surprisingly funny and charming through the violence and the eyeball gouging. Actually worth seeing, I think.

I was ridiculously excited when 21 Jump Street came out on DVD. And while I still haven't watched any of them, knowing I can makes all the difference.

Posted by: Allison at March 11, 2006 1:48 AM

Johnny just doesn't do it for me. Too fine-boned and he just looks sixteen to me. I'm more about the Sean Connery genre, as Y chromosome iterations go. Keanu in a pinch, but only if he had duct tape over his mouth so I didn't have to listen to him.

Posted by: Cornelia Read at March 11, 2006 3:33 AM

Wait. That guy from 21 Jumpstreet does movies now? ;-)

Posted by: Em at March 11, 2006 7:59 AM

Movie perfection is Antonio Banderas and Johnny Depp in one movie. Once Upon a Time in Mexico is one of my favorites! Everyone was so sweaty in that movie that I had to watch it in a tank top with the AC off.

Depp was so SKANKY HOT in the pirate movie that he was SWEATY in it too!

Posted by: Andreia at March 11, 2006 8:43 AM

OK, I have to say that the alleged hotness of Johnny D. doesn't move me to see many of his movies. I still have seem them all because he's just that darn good. Two movies weren't mentioned which really highlight his tallents:

Benny and Joon with Aiden Quinn and Mary Steward Masterson. A fine little movie.

The Man Who Killed Don Quixote. Terry Gilliam made a failed attempt to retell Don Quixote. Everything that could go wrong on that production did, and the film was never finished. Johnny Depp was cast in a key roll in the movie. Though the film was never finished and group of student documentary film makers recorded the whole process and put out a fine documentary on it. It's a great inside look at the film business, Terry Gilliam, and to a small degree Johnny Depp. Highly recommended.

Posted by: Mr. Husband at March 11, 2006 10:13 AM

Oh, I love Benny & Joon, especially the potatoes and tennis racket part!

Posted by: Laura L at March 11, 2006 10:42 AM

Mmmmm...Johnny Depp. I'm only TWO degrees of separation from him. My friend Susanne's sister knows him. Her husband has sold him several paintings.

Posted by: Aimee at March 11, 2006 11:48 AM

So hott! And talented. And I'm jealous you get to spend the evening with him.

Posted by: Edgy Mama at March 11, 2006 6:10 PM

Wow, I have a major crush on Terry Gilliam, as well. I must just like super-talented men. My daddy is the king of them! Not that you know him, but still. More talented than Depp and Gilliam, but I'd rather kiss Depp than the lot of 'em.

Posted by: Janet at March 11, 2006 10:24 PM

I'm reading this justbefore CHURCH! Guess what I'll be thinking about during the sermon....

I have this whole fantasy where Cap'n Jack kidnaps me and keeps me for his very own. Hoooooooootttttttt! ;)

Posted by: Amy-Go at March 12, 2006 10:33 AM

Hi Mr. Husband-- what is the name of the documentary? Can it be found on Amazon?

My recent Depp favorite is "Finding Neverland". He has a beautiful Scottish accent and even has a brief scene as a pirate.

Posted by: Elizabeth at March 13, 2006 9:33 AM


You bet... The movie Terry Gilliam was making was to be called "The Man Who Killed Don Quixote". The documentary of the project is called "Lost in La Mancha". Here's the url:


Posted by: Mr. Husband at March 13, 2006 1:36 PM

Oooh, HOT. I haven't even seen Pirates of the Caribbean (shameful, I know), but I still get all twitchily happy about his eyeliner when I see pics. He is truly one of the only big-time actors left that disappears into his roles. Tom sure never does. *playing the music from Psycho*

Posted by: Andi at March 15, 2006 4:28 PM