March 6, 2006

The House of Plague, Part Deux

I've been neglecting you, Pretty Internets, but you see, Maisy has stayed ill. Today is the first day in eight days she woke up fever free. *knocks wood* We'll see how it holds up, but I knew she was truly, FINALLY on the mend yesterday; she rose up off the sofa and started tormenting her brother.... You know that song The Lost Boys sing in the Disney version of Peter Pan? The one about follow the leader? Well. MAISY sure does. She walked around the house, singing it in her high pitched, piercing voice (one of her many nicknames is Duck-Quacky because of her weird little adorable voice). She followed him all over the house, copying his walk and gestures, and singing...

Maisy: We're following the leader, the leader, the leader
Sam: Quit following me.
Maisy: We're following the leader, the leader, the leader
Sam: Are you copying me? You better not be copying me!
Maisy: Maisy: We're following the leader, who ever he may be
Sam: Stop singing! Stop following me!
Maisy: Di dum! Dee dee! Duh Deedle-y Dum Te Day!
Sounds of Sam stomping upstairs alone.
More Silence.
Maisy: *very softly* We're following the nobody, the nobody, the nobody...

Meanwhile, I know everyone will blog about the Oscars, but I DO have to say a couple of things.

1) They should FIRE Jon Stewart. The Oscars are NOT NOT NOT supposed to be SHORT, pants-peeingly FUNNY, and more entertaining than a couple of the films that got statues.... They are supposed to go on for five hours and make you hate all of Hollywood and the concept of movies by the end. Even the pre-Oscar comedy skit before (which TRADITIONALLY should be career-endingly humiliating for the host and thump to the floor like a balloon filled with dead mackerel) was GENUINELY funny.

2) What was with all the chicks in ivory and white? It looked like a second wedding convention. Or a fifth wedding convention...we were in Hollywood, after all. Congratulations J-Lo for putting on some stinking GREEN in that otherwise almost oppressive sea of cream. Also, the woman who wrote the song from Crash had on a GORGEOUS dress, but it was the exact same shade of ivory pink as her SKIN. Her arms kept disappearing so that when the camera panned back, she looked like a limbless worm. Her stylist should be SPANKED---she was a gorgeous creature and needed to wear something with a color. ANY color, really.

3) The "Kiera Knightly, Acting While Beautiful" campaign ad made wine come out my nose, I was laughing so hard.

4) In every race but ONE, if I felt like I had a stake in it and was REALLY pulling for someone, that person WON. Since it was obvious that Johnny Depp was not going to win this year (although I did a mail in vote for him for his role in "most talented actor of his generation in every movie he ever freakin' did that you have completely ignored, all the way up until he did, EXCUSE ME, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME, Cap'n Jack Sparrow, which, yes, okay he was amazing, he is always amazing but um, WHERE WERE YOU when he CHANNELED Hunter S. Thompson or sold a lot of BLOW or went undercover into the mob for decades or acted with blades for hands or unleashed a combination of Angela Lansbury and Nancy Drew to create the best Ichabod Crane that EVER EXISTED *deeeeeeeep breath*) ANYWAY. Considering Depp was not an option, I TRULY wanted Phillip Seymour Hoffman to take it. And I of course was SCREAMING when my southern homegirl Reese gave possibly the cutest, funniest, sweetest Oscar speech that EVER happened.

5) Jessica Alba and Hillary Swank are two of the prettiest women on the planet---and I like watching both of them. I think Alba is HUGELY under-used and would love to see her take on something meaty, and I've watched for Swank ever since I used to call her Pretty Fox Pop on 90210 (because I thought she looked like a fox and "popped"). And it was back on 90210 that.... I PREDICTED SHE WOULD BREAK OUT! Anyway, I like her so much, I would probably watch in a movie called "Hillary Swank Mops the Floor." But. Someone needs to tell them that yes, Virginia, you CAN be too thin. They have those starved looking, sad armpits you only ever see in heroin rehab and Hollywood. If they would each gain five pounds they would look sexy as well as being beautiful and talented.

I am sure they care passionately about my opinion, and are buying some Ben and Jerry's Phish Food to try and get a sliver of armpit-padding even as we speak.

7) Did all the stylists dance off to shove every woman they could find into something cream (with no regard for skin tone) and forget to DRESS THE MEN? WHAT was with all the cock-eyed, askew bow ties? It looked like middle school PROM in there.

8) It is TRADITIONAL for the person who wins for costume design to look INSANE. You are a costume designer, for the love of all that is holy. You need to strap a dead chicken to your head and wear tinfoil shoes and pasties. What was WITH the woman who won? Her dress was flattering, innovative, stylistically connected ot the movie she was nommed for....yish. It's like they gave the Oscar for costumes to a person who UNDERSTANDS CLOTHES. Weird.

9) HELLO Did you realize that was DAWSON'S CREEK chick, up for best supporting?? I didn't recognize her, even in the movie, did not clock that it was her until the awards ceremony itself. WOW! Way to go, you.

10) Merryl Streep and Lily Tomlin should get nommed next year for best performance while actually AT the Oscars....

And lastly,

11) I double plus heart Jon Stewart.


Posted by joshilyn at March 6, 2006 8:07 AM

You missed that Salma Hayek looked AMAZING and was wearing ELECTRIC BLUE and therefore did an excellent nose-thumbing at all the flesh-clad starving girls without sexy accents.

Also, Charlize Theron's stylist should be fired. I kept waiting for the bow on her shoulder to EAT HER HEAD.

I'm glad Maisy is feeling better. :)

Posted by: Mir at March 6, 2006 8:45 AM

1. So GLAD to hear Miss Maisy is feeling bettererer enough to annoy her big brother. :-)

2. Who did you want to win that didn't? Just curious. Unlike some years, I wasn't pulling strongly for much of anyone because there were so many nominations for movies I haven't seen yet.

3.You're SO RIGHT about the sea of ivory/cream/beige/gold/white dresses! And the women who weren't in those shades mostly had on black or colors so dark they read as black in all but the brightest light - dark green (Charlize), plum (Meryl), burgundy (Kiera). I complained that the Project Runway designers seemed to have a color-phobia this year...apparantly it extends to professional designers and Hollywood stylists as well!

4. Mir beat me to it - I thought Salma in her electric blue gown looked HOT. It was like someone tossed a bird of paradise into a field of daisies.

5. I loved J Lo's mossy green vintage gown too. It looked fabulous on her (and I don't even LIKE J Lo.)

6. I'm pretty sure Charlize beat you to the idea that Hollywood women are too thin and had some cookies stuffed into that bag she had slung over her shoulder. That way she could munch down a few carbs when the cameras weren't on her. How clever of her stylist to make the feed bag match her dress, yes?

7. I think Larry McMurtry (sp?) should have been sent home from to change his pants before being allowed on stage. They weren't even NICE jeans, ferpetessake! It was like his top half was at the Oscars while his bottom half was mucking out a stable!

Posted by: DebR at March 6, 2006 9:31 AM

I'm especially beautiful, thanks to my copious amounts of armpit padding.

Posted by: laura at March 6, 2006 10:18 AM

Joshilyn, I'm with you on the John Stewart. And I was surprised that some of his jokes didn't get a bigger laugh from the audience. Like the "return to glamour" theme v. "night of a thousand sweatpants." Funny funny funny.

And yes, the Salma Hayek was exquisite as always, but I'm suprised that none of you have yet mentioned the wraparound strap subtly strangling her left boob. It looked like an oh so glamorous choke collar. What did that boob do that was so wrong that Salma's stylist would punish it in this way? And why did this stylist not realize that if the left boob did something, the right had to have at least acted as an accessory to the crime!

Oh, and Deb R-- the on the shoulder cookie holder? Brilliant! How nice for Charlize!

Posted by: Renee at March 6, 2006 10:30 AM

I'll third what Mir and DebR said -- Salma was gorgeous. I liked Keira Knightley's dress, too. Everytime they showed Charlize in the audience I kept yelling, "Look out!" but now I realize it was just a feedbag of cookies. PHEW.

I actually peed a little listening to Jon Stewart's opening monologue. The last time the Oscars made me do that was... hm.

I knew Rachel Weisz would win, but I was sort of hoping Amy Adams would pull off an upset. I *loved* her in Junebug. Overall, I was happy with who won, even Larry McMurtry because although his jeans looked crappy, his screenplay was just breathtaking.

Posted by: Aimee at March 6, 2006 10:33 AM

Unfortunately, I didn't catch enough of the Oscar's to contribute to the dish about it. But I DID see Salma... and YAY that I'm not the only one who thought she looked voluptuously vibrant in that tealy electric blue. What was even more gorgeous, though, was the way she said the winner's name... Gustavo SANTAOLALLA. Who else could let that name slide off their tongue like it was the name of her husband of twenty years? I'm thinking there was a reason she was chosen to present this award.

p.s. -- glad to hear Maisy has bounced back to her charming little self.

Posted by: Cathy at March 6, 2006 10:55 AM

SO GLAD that poor Maisy is rallying!!!

I did not get to watch Oscars as it was my girls' birthday, and Grace wanted to watch the DVD of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang I got her out of nostalgia, and now I am SORRY that I didn't watch the Oscars as it was obviously the first good one in a bazillion years. Only I'm still kind of tired from the Olympics, so maybe the whole spectacle thing wouldn't have found any room left in my head?

Posted by: Cornelia Read at March 6, 2006 12:13 PM

I am the only DJ in the state's who will not mention the Oscars today. I didn't mention the grammies, nor the other copious awards shows that dominate American TV during winter. But if I watched it would have been for the clothes. I hate shopping so it gives me ideas for dresses I will never don. So you say, "Cele, if you were not watching the Oscars - what did you do with yourself?"

Well funny you should ask, "I was watching a movie Ducky found on the Sci-fi channel or Fx, who on God's green earth came up with the concept of 'Core' and then sold it to Bruce Greenwood and Hilary Swank? Who, tell me who?"

Posted by: Cele at March 6, 2006 12:15 PM

Thanks for the dish! I gave up tv for Lent! Don't ask what I was thinking!!
Many nights there isn't much on anyway but I too, LOVE Jon Stewart so this was hard!
I heard my dh mutter something about bows so now I understand. (He loves bows--I don't--still not sure how we ended up together but I digress...) so I guess Charlize was up!
Anyway, I cheated a little last night as I eavesdropped here and there--thanks for clearing up some of my confusion! ;)

Posted by: LoryKC at March 6, 2006 12:55 PM

Five pounds! Alba needs at least ten to look normal again. Someone should have told Garner that it takes a while to adjust from a pregnant low center of gravity to a breastfeeding top heavy center. I was a klutz for weeks when my big round belly split in two and moved up to my chest.

Salma's dress had a very Santino quality, whereas Charlize looked like she had let Guadalupe design her dress right after the Project Runway Reunion show.

I was happy for PSH and Reese, too. PSH is a bit like William H. Macy, consistently good in everything he does.

Posted by: Sabra at March 6, 2006 12:57 PM

Oh Jon Stewart was v.v. funny... I had no idea... I thought I'd get all offended and then have to switch the channel! (I was already cranky that Grey's Anatomy wasn't on)

My favourite part was when Clooney went on about how Hollywood was the first to talk about taboo subjects (no, honey, you were just the first to talk about it ON TV) and then there was that montage of movies on taboo subjects (AIDS, homosexuality, civil war, terrorism...) followed up by Jon Stewart's line "and thanks to Hollywood those subjects were never a problem again."

I howled! I think he didn't get more laughs because he was making fun of Hollywood... and with all the actors becoming pseudo-politicians they are starting to take themselves WAY TOO SERIOUSLY.

Posted by: Heather Cook at March 6, 2006 2:48 PM

No one has mentioned Lauren Bacall! Did she need glasses to see the teleprompter or was she drunk? Speaking of starving actresses, did anyone notice Dolly Parton? She has always had a thin waist and said it was because things don't grow in the shade, but it seems that the lower half of her body is withering away from lack of light.

Posted by: autum at March 6, 2006 4:35 PM

I thought our Jon did a great job with such a gig as the Oscars - you are almost guaranteed to fall on your face. He did well and at the end of the night I still wanted to kiss him or wake up beside him in bed, oh yes!

Yes, most of the dresses were oh so bland but I adored Keira's dress/necklace combination. Just not the dinky bow in her hair! And Naomi Watts! Oh, her dress was so bad, just random scraps of fabric everywhere, but especially at her waist.

I was also thinking that Jessica Alba was too skinny. Please, someone give that girl a nice sandwich with some BACON on it!

Posted by: samantha at March 6, 2006 5:07 PM

Glad Maisy's better.

We're coming out of plagueyness and mucuosal hell as well.

I don't watch the Oscars, as we are TV-free (but I will buy next week's People to look at all the dresses). Anyway, your take on the night is much more entertaining and less time consuming than the actual show!

Posted by: Edgy Mama at March 6, 2006 8:50 PM

Didn't watch them myself. I don't really do TV these days. My loss -- blue is my favorite color. Of course Salma would be HOT in a burlap bag! *pant, pant*

As for Miss Maisy? Hey, being annoying is what little sisters are for. Bless her little heart.

Posted by: David at March 7, 2006 8:13 AM

I enjoyed the Oscars. The Cowboy Western montage...what about the all-gay, all-the-time western film genre? My bff and I laughed and laughed!

I think Lauren Bacall was not able to see the prompter. The woman is all class albeit older, and I bet she could've (and should've) memorized the lines five minutes ahead of time and sounded great.

I enjoyed Jon Stewart. I'm a huge Billy Crystal host fan, but Jon was SOOO much better than Letterman or Whoopi in past years.

LOVED Reese's speech even though my DH counted her "and, um" 's which caused me to throw a pillow at him. Hard. (for the record, he counted 11)

Posted by: Pattie at March 7, 2006 10:02 AM

I loved Reese, Kevin loved Salma (I was informed that should she ever decide to show up at our door I will be Finding Another Place To Live), we both thought Charlize should probably seek therapy after wearing that - what WAS that? - in public, and that JLo should fire her stylist (I'm sorry, Army green? Yuck). George Clooney was so pretty! Jon Stewart made me laugh! I got to go to bed at a decent hour! The best Oscars show in several years, methinks. Of course, what's not to love about a show that gives an award to a bunch of down-on-their-luck Pimps? ;)

Posted by: Amy-GO at March 7, 2006 2:10 PM

OK, I've only ever lurked here before but I couldn't resist dittoing point number 11, namely "I double plus heart Jon Stewart." AMEN MY SISTER! The guy is genius and yet w/ heart and the crush I had on March 4th is NOTHING compared to the ooey-gooey Lovefest I have for the guy now.

And while I'm here let me just say (sorry for the sucking-up to which this bears an uncanny resemblance) that this blog is a happy place I use to escape my crappy job, so thanks for that as well.

Posted by: BJ Snyder at March 7, 2006 2:43 PM

I didn't actually manage to WATCH the Oscars, and yet I still did an entire blog on them. Mentioned Jon too. I didn't know I had so much competition in the heart-Jon thing.

Posted by: Laume at March 7, 2006 10:17 PM