February 16, 2006

In Which Ducks Are Bad

ALAS! We have only 8 entries for Blogging 4 Books this time. It seemed hateful to cut down to seven from that, so Special Guest Blogger Betsy is going to pick a FINAL FIVE that will go to internationally bestselling guest author M.J. Rose I should have the finalists up tomorrow.

I need to get more proactive about getting the word out that B4B is coming up. I was also thinking I should do a B4B section on my links page where I perma-link to Winnahs and Special Guest Everythings. I'll think on it. I hate updating links, and although it may LOOK like I am maintaining my faith that one day my beloved CHEZ MISCARRIAGE will return by a blanket refusal to take it off my links, it is possible that it's laziness. Maybe a combo. I DID love that blog.

I HATE that she took her stinking archives down just because one or two VERY MENTALLY ILL people were posting her old entries as their own entries. HOW WEIRD IS THAT? I kept imagining a couple of sweaty old porn addicts crouched together in a basement with their hairy bellies peeking out of too-short wife-beater T-shirts, eating cold chinese out of the carton and having an Inappropriately Sexual Reaction as they pretended to be a female infertile Jewish feminist cat-lover who has a passionate connection to sweatpants and makes the kind of truly hilarious sideways smartipants pop-culture references you usually only get on the PRIME season 2 - 4 of Gilmore Girls... Getupgrrl took the archives down because of these two losers, ruining the fun of both basement pervos AND about a million less psychotic readers. That's like removing ducks from the earth just because some evil cannibal serial killer glues feathers to himself and quacks while he slaughters the innocent.

ALTHOUGH total duck annihilation.... that might not be a bad idea. Atlanta ducks are mean and they persecute toddlers. I once witnessed a terrible Atlanta duck come charging up to a little boy, three or so, and bite him on the penis. The duck just ran up, HONK! and then turned and ran away while the little boy stood there looking Very Surprised Indeed for a good three seconds before dropping sideways like a felled tree. Poor thing. And on an entirely separate occaision, I witnessed an Atlanta duck,(a different duck, but at the SAME park, mind you) STEAL a small child's piece of Church's fried chicken. It was a biggish piece, like a thigh, and the duck came up and RIPPED it out of the child's hands and went high-speed-waddling off with it. There was a minor duck-on-duck squabble for possession of the purloined thigh, and then the winning duck SAT. THERE. AND. ATE. IT. while glaring around to frighten off Hopeful Interlopfuls. That duck ate it down to the BONE.

Ducks should not eat chicken. PERIOD. I was SO creeped. It's would be a little like Jessica Simpson having a big old piece of fried Ashlee. Or wait, that's not a good simile because duck on chicken is more COUSINLY CANNIBALISM than SIBLING. So it was more like watching, say, the Fonz eat Chachi.

CAN YOU TELL I FEEL BETTER? You can, I am sure. By the number of completely made up words ALONE you can tell. Day three of the Z pack, and the score so far is Zithromax: A BUNCH, Lung Fungus: ZERO. I LOVE modern medicine. I love Dr. Reese. I love the fact that my friend Julie coined the completely repulsive word "LUNGUS" to refer to any sort of ongoing mucalagey malady. I love everything, because I FEEL BETTER.

OH I should tell you that TRUE PROOF OF STRARETTO exists -- I wrote the college prof that had hosted the infamous party, and HE STILL HAS THE BOTTLE! I am SO pleased. I will post a picture of the label as soon as it arrives. Meanwhile, since google failed us all, I picked a winner from among those who at least ATTEMPTED to track the wily and elusive STRARETTO. Thank you so much -- I genuinely thought I was having a Baby Jane meets Gaslight moment...WINNER = MEGAN, because she cares enough to forge the very best.


Posted by joshilyn at February 16, 2006 8:36 AM

OH MY GOD I love that label... I think you need to print it out and frame it and hang it right next to your flying cat cruise artwork in your office. Purty please? HA!

Posted by: Mir at February 16, 2006 11:22 AM

"Watching the Fonz eat Chachi" made me spit water out of my nose. And "Lungus" made me pee my pants...well, ok, not really, but close. I miss you, I miss Julie, I miss that park with the ducks on 'roids...remember the gruesome heron? Ah, good times. Thanks for my morning gigglefest! ;)

Posted by: Amy-GO at February 16, 2006 12:09 PM

Way to go Jen.

Y'all got nasty, mean ducks, maybe they need Dr. Phil and some good meds. Poor baby he will need Dr. Ruth one day.

Posted by: Cele at February 16, 2006 12:35 PM

O, I miss GetUpGrrl too. One of the best blogs ever.

Who knew that there are so many badass ducks in Atlanta? Remind me not to take my kids to that park next time I'm there.

RE: B4B. If you e-mail me the Live details a day or two ahead of time, I'll post about it with linkage, which should drive some traffic to B4B. I bet others of us who have guest judged and/or won would do the same.

Posted by: Edgy Mama at February 16, 2006 2:56 PM

One day I will enter B4B with an entry that I wrote just for the contest, and not cheat with an old one from my archives. I keep meaning to. One day. When the workload goes down. Which should be about in...July. Meanwhile, I'll try & remember to link to it, too, so all twelve of my readers will see it.

*Sigh* Oh man, I miss GetUpGrrl too. I'd love to just once again see the Monty Python one. And the ones where she wrote in the style of different authors. I'd like to see her take on newborn screaming in the voice of, say, Tom Robbins.

Posted by: elswhere at February 16, 2006 3:18 PM

About ducks.

You probably don't get this down South (or maybe you do, 'cause I find that my Tennessee relatives think it's a "cold day" when it's 50F and I'm out in my short sleeves, so I guess everyone has their version of winter), but if you go in the deep dark of winter to a pond where there are normally a lot of kids/families feeding ducks in the summer, and you just SHOW UP, not even with a bag of bread or anything? You will be Attacked.

Seriously. Happened to me and my family. We went sliding in the park in December and thought, "Oh, let's just take a walk down to the duck pond." We were met by a welcoming committee of about 5,000 ducks who had not been visited or fed (except for park-duckkeeper-approved seedy stuff, which I guess they hate) since Labour Day. Seeing us arrive with two plump little children they SWARMED us and began pecking at our feet, battering us in the knees with their wings, making doomed attempts to fly into our faces -- it was terrifying, and we got out of there very quickly. We had nothing to feed them anyway, and I was afraid if we did they would have torn each other limb from limb just to get to the food, then turned on us next in the feeding frenzy.

Ducks are Bad. No doubt about it.

Posted by: Trudy at February 16, 2006 3:37 PM

Hmm. Perhaps those ducks need to be invited over for dinner. Duck L'orangePOM, anyone?

Glad you're feeling better.

Posted by: David at February 16, 2006 8:07 PM

Yeah! I won! See? That judge was SO wrong when he said my forgery would get me nothing but trouble. In your FACE, judicial system!

Ducks, badass for sure but last spring I had to walk my children past a new family of swans on a narrow path. Swans must be like the moose of fowle. They look all nice and majestic and all out there on a lake but up close they are big and.. BIG. Without exaggeration, that swan was as big as my oldest in height and weight but WAY meaner. Having to walk my babies past hers and knowing we were both in the same protective state of mind I wasn't entirely sure who would come out of it the least injured if it came to blows. Luckily, aside from a little squawking and posturing (on both sides) we made it past without incident. No doubt about it though, I was scared!

Posted by: Megan at February 16, 2006 9:29 PM

I tried too. I searched every variation of it I could come up with, but all I found was mixed drinks with Amaretto and strawberry syrup.

Posted by: Heather at February 17, 2006 9:53 PM

The duck story had me in tears with laughter. I could use a couple of those bad boys at my office. When projects aren't going well, I could just send them into the men's room to provide a little motivational therapy. Maybe put one on duty under the conference room table.

Posted by: Bonnie at February 17, 2006 10:13 PM

The ducks at our local park are pretty tame..they'll come up to you and eat out of your hand, but ignore you completely if you have no food.

The GEESE, on the other hand are total predators. They will pick your small child up and carry him away to hold for ransom until you come up with the bread (get it? bread?).

I'm seriously considering entering the nest B4B, if I can just get over this huge inferiority complex (hmm, I don't seem to have an inferiority complex about my inferiority complex. Perhaps that could be the next subject on B4B? I'd totally run away with that contest).

Glad you're feeling better!

Posted by: Contrary at February 18, 2006 12:34 AM

Laughing out loud at this post!!! (Esp. Fonzie and Chachi...) And yes, Zithromax is magical in its healing properties.

Posted by: Pattie at February 18, 2006 11:39 AM

Considering the nasty nature of ducks, don't you find it ironic that one of the favorite past times of mothers with small children is taking them to the park to feed the ducks! I mean, I did it all the TIME. The kids loved it. And yet, lurking just beyond the fence, waiting to rip off a small arm, or at least peck at it furiously, is a toddler-hating duck.

Boy, we do dumb things....

Posted by: Natalie R. Collins at February 19, 2006 2:56 PM

I'm curious how she found out someone had done that. The thought freaks me out. ACK

Posted by: Tiff at February 21, 2006 6:53 AM