February 7, 2006

The Gas Man Cometh

NOT that I was looking at Amazon's BETWEEN, GEORGIA page or anything because I AM WEANED off Amazon, remember? REMEMBER? Heh. BUT. If I HAD looked at Between's page on Amazon, I might have thought this was amusing:

Customers who viewed this book also viewed

* Gods in Alabama by Joshilyn Jackson
* Diana Lively is Falling Down by Sheila Curran
* iRobot Roomba 4100/4300 Intelligent Floorvac Robotic Vacuum, Red Roomba
* The Garden Angel: A Novel by Mindy Friddle
* Maybe Baby (Warner Forever) by Lani Diane Rich

Um, did you note number THREE? Either people are following blog links OR, and I think this is FAR more likely, my book naturally attracts ROBOT LOVERS. I need to talk to someone at Warner about getting the words "FOR ROBOT LOVERS" emblazoned in Roomba Red on the front cover. I need some blurbs, too, in that vein....

"I was so glad I decided to only pet my robot with ONE hand for the time it took to read BETWEEN,GEORGIA. It was a circuit-warming and meticulously timed read, and just as soon as I get me a robot that holds books and turns pages, I am going to buy Ms. Jackson's first novel, too."
Terry, a Robot Lover in Michegan

TWO WEEKS from today, I start taping (or recording, or CDing or however you officially say it) the audio version of Between, and whatever made me think THAT was a good idea? No, really. I asked a guy I know to tell me all about the process to kind fo LIFT my anxiety, and he DID really demystify it and tell me exactly what would happen, but he also told me about how SENSITIVE the microphone was, and how once, during a reading, they picked up his STOMACH GURGLING. I had horrible HORRIBLE dreams about it last night. This should probably be filed under TMI (too much information) but since it's just me and YOU (and your robot, most likely) here, I am going to go ahead and tell you about it.

I dreamed that I was in this tiny, hot, claustrophobic COFFIN of a sound booth, and I had headphones on, and was trying to read Between into a microphone except I had no manuscript, I was supposed to just REMEMBER it, word for EXACT word, and this disembodied voice kept interrupting and correcting my sentences and saying, #&$^@#, YOU #&*(@#^, YOU WROTE THIS HOW CAN YOU NOT KNOW IT BETTER THAN THIS? I finally got into a scene where he wasn't BERATING me, and then suddenly he said, "We are getting AMBIENT NOISE! AMBIENT NOISE! JOSHILYN? WHAT IS THAT?"

I had no idea. I was just trying to do a good job and ignore all the shrieking in the headphones. Finally there was a pause and I said three or four more sentences, and then...

Voice in Earphones: Joshilyn? Are you...farting?
Me: UM, NO.
ViE: Well, someone in that booth is.
ViE: Look around. Who else is in the booth?
Me: Just me.
ViE: And your GAS.
Me: I AM NOT. And anyway, can't you filter that out somehow? If I was? WHICH I AM NOT.
ViE: No. We will just have to have the the guy at the front who says the Title and your name make a disclaimer and apologize for your inability to stop that noisome flatulance. That sounds professional....he can say it just like that. "We apologize for Ms. Jackson's Noisome Flatulance."
Another Voice, Female: We have those red "WARNING: READER FARTS" stickers left over from when we hired that astonishingly gaseous monster to read IN COLD BLOOD. Remember that?
ViE: HA! Right! I bet that guy is dead of irritable bowel syndrome now.
AV,F: I Hope so.

Long Pause.

Me: I am NOT Farting.
ViE: Keep going, please.

I woke up in a lather of panic and vowed to go buy BEANO and eat it on everything, and I mean everything, even PUDDING, in the week before and during the taping. If I was cocktail recipe, I would be two parts nervous and one part sosososo excited with a cherry garnish. And I would NOT be carbonated. Thanks.

Posted by joshilyn at February 7, 2006 8:49 AM

If it weren't for the fact that I already own "gods in Alabama" I'd be convinced that Amazon just lifted that list directly from my wish list. Sneaky bastards.

I'm giggling about the warning stickers!!

Gotta go pet my robot now.

Posted by: DebR at February 7, 2006 9:09 AM

The only thing I remember from the SAT's? Take hard candy so if your stomach starts growling, you can pop one in and the sugar settles it down. Of course in your case you will have to eat it before your reading or you will get berated for the sucking sound:)

Posted by: chris at February 7, 2006 9:29 AM

ROFL! And I thought my dream was bad. I was living in war torn Italy and my brother had just returned from war, all bloody but alive and he was ashamed to have come back alive and I was comforting him in this dramatic hollywood way with a long heartwrenching speech.

Can't wait for Between!

Posted by: Heather at February 7, 2006 10:35 AM

That must've been some nightmare, because I don't believe for a SECOND that you eat pudding. ;)

Posted by: Mir at February 7, 2006 11:19 AM

Joss do not take hard (or soft) candy into the booth with you - it causes you to make horrible swallowing sounds right before you click your tongue. In fact I suggest you don't eat anything at least 15 minutes before (for the same reason) excessive swallowing is a problem. The non carbination thing is a good idea. I drink coffee or water, and that still can cause swallow problems - if you find Throat Coat let me know, I'm still looking. By the way despite what I just said, coffee (of which I am quite enamoured in the mornings, can cause throat problems.)

Posted by: Cele at February 7, 2006 11:36 AM

Oh, thank you!
I mean GOOD LUCK, of course but THANK YOU! I know people type ROFL but I honest-to-God almost fell off of my chair laughing with this one!

*wipes tear while still chuckling*

You'll do fine. I loved reading gods but maybe I'll wait to get the audio version of this one. ; )

Posted by: LoryKC at February 7, 2006 12:24 PM

Ha! I did notice that the robot vaccuum was on the list! I think it's a good idea. Vaccuum while you read!

At least you're in a booth. Maybe you should take some BEANO with you or some GAS-X. Oh, and lay off the bean dip.

Posted by: waylon at February 7, 2006 12:53 PM

I really really, for just a moment, wanted to read this entry to my sons. But then I realized that they would most probably hurt themselves with the laughing and ensuing noisome flatulance imitations. So instead I frowned primly at them and said, "I am laughing at GROWN UP JOKES."

Posted by: Kira at February 7, 2006 1:32 PM

Dear Joss, even if you "blog out loud" on your CD of BG I am still buying it. Any strange noises would certainly be caused by my old CD player and not the reader. Since your dream about recording is hysterical, I can't wait for your stories about the actual experience!

Posted by: Elizabeth at February 7, 2006 2:42 PM

steer clear of dairy products too. while i can't carry a tune in a bucket that's been handed to me, my veryveryvery singingly talented sisters-in-law avoid ice cream when they're about to perform because (i think) it causes all sorts of icky nasal drippiness.

Posted by: liz at February 7, 2006 3:56 PM

Mmmm. Sounds like nothing but water and beano for a week before starting.

And just in case that doesn't work, wear extra heavy muffling (but not rustly) clothes. And don't try to hold it in -- you'll just burp and that's so much closer to the microphone it would be amazing.

Just trying to be helpful here.

Can we preorder the director's cut of the audio version? I want to hear the hysterics and out-takes.

Posted by: Lulu at February 7, 2006 4:12 PM

ROFLMAO Only you, tulip, only you.

Posted by: Amy-GO at February 7, 2006 5:22 PM

I have a robot that holds books and turns pages. Umm, everyone in Michigan does. How DO you think we survive winter? Yes, we "loves" us some robots. Now if only we can change the laws against marrying them life, indeed, would be sweet.

Posted by: debra at February 7, 2006 7:44 PM

I just think it is SO COOL that you get to read your own book, Joshilyn. I am nervous they're going to give me Fran Drescher, as a reader. Or, like, Karen on Will & Grace.

Jim Backus would be great, if he were still alive and could do his Thurson Howell schtick.

But YOU will be AWESOME!!! With or without Beano...

Posted by: Cornelia Read at February 7, 2006 8:22 PM

My son just got up from bed to make sure I was OK because I was laughing so hard. I'm not sure if these will help muffle anything but, but maybe you could try looking at this: http://www.under-tec.com/index.php

Posted by: Laura L at February 7, 2006 9:04 PM

Pick me up off the floor!!!!
My kids got out of bed to find out what was wrong with me. I needed that one.

Posted by: Dana at February 7, 2006 9:47 PM

My Robot - Puumba the Roomba - love your blog. Really.

Posted by: Autumn at February 9, 2006 4:57 PM