January 29, 2006

Particle (Wo)Man

MARTHA, I lost your e-mail addy, please shoot me a line if you read this...(Ironically, later in this entry, I am going to try to prove that I am not a flake...)

I have a thousand snippetty little somethings to tell you, so here is a herd of them sent to stampede toward you in random, jostling order.

1) While out of town on his long long trip, Scott ate a horrifying thing. He ate it IN HIS MOUTH. Yes, that's right, he put this OBJECT right into his personal, private mouth and CHEWED on it WHILE IT FIXED HIM WITH IT'S BLANK AND GOOGLEY EYE. I am going to show you a picture, but I will put it in a pop-up because it is too horrifying to view head-on. Click if you DARE.

2) Kira is getting married in February. KiWords is a blog I read regularly, and I hung out with her while on book tour, and she and Mir and I did our own wine-and-Whole-Foods-smoked-salmon-salad soaked version of BlogHer last year at MY house because ONE of use could not whip up the needed enthusiasm for the amount of plane-sitting and hotel sleeping that I, er I mean, anonymous ONE OF US, would have to experience to go to an event all the way in California. I think that certain person had been on more flights and stayed in more hotels in the previous year than she had done in her whole life put together before that and she just wanted to be home. Okay, you broke the code. I admit it --it was Mir. Anyway.

Kira is getting married, MARRIED! In February, and I have contorted my brain into twisty yoga shapes trying to think of some sort of superfantastic present that would blow her out of the water and make her realize just how pleased I am for her, and how excited, and also, how deeply cool I am on the moleclar level to have come up with what had to be the very best wedding present in the history of marriage, because, who is it all about? That's right. Me. And it has been very difficult -- have you ever seen a brain do Downward Facing Dog? No? Well, hint: It freakin' HURTS. Anyway, I was still brain-yoga-ing like a fool when, suddenly, all CASUAL LIKE, Mir shoots me an IM and says, "By the way, I sent Kira a wedding present. It's...A ROBOT."

Yeah. You heard me. A ROBOT. To her credit, she did not TELL me in IM that she was doing the in-yer-face endzone victory booty dance, but I could sense it anyway. I am sorry, but in any game of wedding present rock-paper-scisoors-spock-lizard, Robot is the mythical gift that TRUMPS ALL. There is no object that can even FRONT like it is superfantastic in the face of A ROBOT. I gave up even trying and got her the teapot and creamer and sugar bowl she had registered for, as well as one of the MANY separate and oddly shaped whisks that she and her future husband have inexplicably requested.

DIGRESSION: Kira says I have a dirty mind for looking askance at the, SERIOUSLY, like 9 whisks she asked for, to which I answer, "Whatever, you big fetishist. Glad you found a guy who shares your apparently BOUNDLESS enthusism for, um, WHISKING things."

But this is just sour grapes. Unless I can come up with some Exotic Robot Sex Tea to go with her rather mundane present, then Mir is undisputably the Champion of Being Superfantastic. Sadly, when I google "Exotic Robot Sex Tea" all I get are links back to my own blog. I throw paper, I throw Spock, I throw lizard and rock and scissors. Alas! Alas! STILL Robot wins.

3) SEE, I CAN GO BACK AND ACTUALLY TELL YOU A STORY LATER! I CAN FOLLOW THROUGH AND DO WHAT I HAVE PROMISED! I AM NOT A FLAKE!

3a) Except I never found out what I was NOT doing in Augusta last week, so either I was flakey enough to schedule babysitting for an event that never actually existed or I flaked. Either way, it qualifies me to be packed by Pilsbury in with the crescent rolls.

3b) Last night the time for the BOOK CLUB CALL I had scheduled came and went, and still I stood in the kitchen cooking up The Beautiful Shrimps and snowpeas while singing an obnoxious little song I made up called, "Oh I am cooking, cooking, cooking the beautiful shrimps! LA! LA!" Basically the whole song consists of that line sung over and over in a bored monotone to keep me from falling alseep and plummeting face first into a saucepan full of boiling parmesan sauce: I hate things you have to stir constantly. ANYWAY, I missed making the call. Luckily I had given them an emergency "Joshilyn is a total flake" number, and THEY called me.

I sloshed some wine into a glass, abaondoned the beautiful shrimps to the tender stirrings of Saint Scott, and did the call. They were a NEAT group with good questions FROM CALIFORNIA. I loved it, quite frankly-- A California book club read-icularly visiting the rural south? How cool is THAT? They could not understand why Arlene's Mama wouldn't GET HELP, hehe. I explained the older rural Southern generation's mistrust of modern psychology and one of them said, "Honey, out here, everybody's Gramma has a therapist." Smart women. And able to NOT FLAKE. Heh. Anyway, maybe I should amend 3 a LEETLE by adding a "this time" or some sort of mocking emoticon to look skeptically at my claim to non-flakiness.

4) In the spirit of shoring up the BELEAGUERED point three, let me now deliver my promised opinions about the VIDLIT and the BOOK TRAILER. Remember them? They are here:

MJ Rose's VidLit for The Delilah Complex

Anne Frasier's Trailer for Pale Immortal

I think they are both hella cool, quite frankly. I like the VidLit a LITTLE better, conceptually. I love audiobooks though, and that's a factor. I am big into audible.com I like how the images hint and evoke while being not too literal. The movie trailer one is HOOKY, though I wanted it to be cut a TINY bit. The IT IS A NICE SMALL TOWN beginning worked for me. The best part was the kid getting out of the car and heading for the house -- I found that part to be EXTREMELY effective and TRIPLE SPOOKY and it made me VERY interested. The last third went on too long without visual movement. BUT the majority of comments were more in favor of the movie trailer format, so what do I know.

I MAY end up doing something like this for the book I am writing NOW, but I am not sure I can justify the expense in the face of "number of likely viewers." MJ is a bit of a grass roots marketing genius and really does a fantastic job of getting the word out for people to see her (expensive to produce, very professional and sleek looking) VidLits. I don't know what kind of exposure Martha Weir's films (She is the woman who did Anne Frasier's movie trailer type video). I think like VidLit she would just do the film and the author has to get the word out. I do think Martha Weir's trailer was VERY professional and beautifully filmed. Either way, Quality work is spendy, and then you have to market the COMMERCIAL as well as the book. Not sure I have the chutzpah and the marketing savvy.

3c) Please note, this is me following through on yet ANOTHER promise to tell you something later. TRA LA!

5) If you only click on ONE link in this whole link-laden entry....let it be this one. I am FLUSHED with pleasure, and my heart keeps burbling something about, "LOOK! LOOK! IT IS REALLY TRUE AND HAPPENING!"

Posted by joshilyn at January 29, 2006 8:48 PM
Comments

I just finished reading the book description of BETWEEN, GEORGIA on Amazon and it sounds fabulous! Another reason to look forward to this summer. Keep 'em coming and I'll keep reading.

Posted by: Karen McQ. at January 29, 2006 9:23 PM

Ok, that fish was just icky! I'm new to your blog really, I only recently finished reading Gods in Alabama and just loved it! Can't wait to start on Between Georgia (I live right outside of Between, in the "Between area".

Posted by: Tanya at January 29, 2006 9:23 PM

But... I... but... you... that's NOT WHAT HAPPENED. Hmph. Also, um, YOU are the one who came up with robot sex tea, which--if I may say so--really trumps EVERYTHING else.

Posted by: Mir at January 29, 2006 9:39 PM

DUDE! That is TOTALLY what happened. I am no James Frey! Okay well, except MAYBE you did not do the victory booty dance thing. PERHAPS I was projecting there the TEENIEST bit.

Posted by: Joshilyn at January 29, 2006 9:43 PM

1. The dead fish thing is just Eeeeuuuwww. I shouldn't have clicked on that. I really shouldn't have.

2. That Roomba is RED!! I didn't know they came in red. Now I WANT one. I must scheme...er, I mean save my money to purchase one. Yep. That's what I meant.

3. YAY on that last link. That is Yay for everything except the release date. I want it to say February 3. Even March 3 would be good. But JULY 3? TOO LONG to wait, dammit! Hmph.

Posted by: DebR at January 29, 2006 9:51 PM

Roomba Red! Oh, I have the Roomba love. My dear saintly husband bought me one for my birthday because there is a slight possibility that my floors are usually somewhat less than sparkly and in fact are usually covered in a fine layer of dog fur. But no more! All thanks to Ike, my Roomba Red.

Sorry to hijack your blog to talk about that, but I was so excited to see that Kira will soon be sharing the love. :-)

I'm anxiously awaiting Between, Georgia. I loved Gods in Alabama, and can't wait to read more, more, more Joshilyn.

Posted by: MelissaC at January 30, 2006 7:14 AM

Yippy July! Summer reading! (Although I must echo DebR's comments about the long wait).

Just wanted to let you know the Raleigh Southern Authors Bookclub is hoping, hoping, crossed-fingers wishing that you make it back to Quail Ridge Books on the Between Georgia book tour. We'd love to host you ... and even spend time with you before/after indulging in food and drink! They loved you on the conference call and can't wait to meet you in person.

Posted by: Leslie at January 30, 2006 10:15 AM

I love that it just wasn't enough to have an actual dead fish, googly eyes and all. Oh no! We must needs put it on a plate with a PICTURE of a fish with eyes still on it, too. Excellent.

Posted by: Aimee at January 30, 2006 10:51 AM

I live in the pacific northwest fish served with their eyes on are nothing new to me (read that as Cele never eats fish that isn't battered and fried - opps lie..I love halibut - but it is way too big to serve with the eyes on.) I once was served a crab with it's cold eyes staring at me across brocolli spears - unfortunately I was not in a chemically straight frame of mind at the time and it haunted me for decades. Ugh.

Now personally I would have loved the teapot in a basket with lots of loverly teas and what-nots as a wedding present...but after three weddings I can say I don't think people give those as presents (I didn't accept presents after wedding number three...I mean really, isn't that kind of silly, I should have given them all presents.)

Congrats Ki.

Posted by: Cele at January 30, 2006 11:50 AM

For the record, the fish was yellow-tail snapper and it was delicious.

I had finished reading Life of Pi just a few days before and I felt very survivor-esque eating a fish that was looking at me. If only they had served turtle soup with it.

Posted by: Mr. Husband at January 30, 2006 12:17 PM

Hunan Crispy Fish! -- it's not for everyone. But I like it.

And, I'd suggest some wierd tea to go with the wedding teapot. Like, the stuff from the Republic of Tea -- the Tea for Your Blood Type. Of course, that would involve finding out Kira & spouse-to-be's blood type(s) first. And that would be hard to work into a casual conversation.

Of course, RoT* has mundane tea like "Jasmine Jazz (a Romancer Enhancer)" too. And that's good. If a bit...normal.

*what a terrible acronym. I mean, have they _noticed_??

Posted by: Lulu at January 30, 2006 2:38 PM

The very, very best part of this post was the tagline under your name on the cover of Between. "Bestselling author of gods in Alabama."
!!!!!!!!!
Wow.

Posted by: Amy-GO at January 30, 2006 3:46 PM

Yay for Between. But...I mean, July? Damn girl, you are a tease! Dropping that you promise to tell us another story, then not telling us, then casually throwing out the link to Amazon for a book that will be delivered in July? I think I need a glass of wine.

Posted by: Edgy Mama at January 30, 2006 4:36 PM

Three.
THREE. WISKS.
'Tis your own dirty mind seeing perversion there.
And it is no sort of defense that Mir saw the same perversion either. Because, well, it's MIR we're holding up here as a benchmark of sane and not perverse, and I don't think I have to finish that statement, clever girl.
But I love the teapot and sugar bowl and creamer oh so very much. I was just telling my robot...
Oh, wait, never mind.

Posted by: Kira at January 30, 2006 6:30 PM

btw, Oh, oh, oh *sigh* what a lovely book. I almost pre-ordered it just now, but then I remembered you'd probably have signed copies available to buy thru your local indie bookstore. Right?
I just found out last week that The Tattered Cover is moving and they are closing the Fourth Story, which I am distraught over. Speaking of indies. Heh. Did I tell you I'm getting married? Oh look, something shiny!

Posted by: Kira at January 30, 2006 6:34 PM

Dear heaven. Don't do that to me. I thought he'd eaten one of the newts, maybe holding it by the tail and dipping it into sea salt first.

Posted by: rams at January 30, 2006 8:52 PM

I recieved a Roomba Red for my wedding. And we still tell everyone it was the coolest gift EVAR. The friend who gave it to us will forever be placed upon the alter of Best.Gift.Giver.Ever.

However, whoever buys me a Roomba Scheduler and dock will come in a close second. It's just an idea. I mean, it will vaccum at the same time every day, or every other - EVEN WHEN YOU ARE NOT THERE!!! How freakin' cool is that!?!?!

I'm sorry. Puumba, our Roomba is my new favorite buddy, and I love talking about him. Did I tell you how he beeps so cutely?

Posted by: Autumn at January 30, 2006 9:40 PM

Oh, ack! Before the blurb I could wait. Now- pins and needles. I. WANT. IT. NOW.

Posted by: Sara at January 30, 2006 10:14 PM

Okay, um, I wanted to point out that it's not the Roomba Red, it's the Roomba Discovery (I think?), I don't know, it's silver. And has a dock. Does it have a scheduler? Kira? Oh, wait, I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU on account of I think in spite of having gifted you with a robot that has everything a girl could need except for a penis (and geez, you're getting married, so, DUH) you just totally called me insane and perverted. In Joss' comments. Damn, girl. You're only allowed to say that to my face over smoked salmon salad. And lots and lots of wine.

Posted by: Mir at January 31, 2006 12:06 AM

1.) (I'm going to have to go in order here or I'll lose my focus.) The herd? Shouldn't it be stampeding towards us in rambling, Joshilyn order? Just a thought.
2.) One of our California cousins just had twins named Sophia and Joshilyn. Or possibly Josephina. She now has seven kids under five so I don't think she has read your book and is naming the kid in Homage--but she should.
How do you have seven kids under five?
First, delete brain in favor of extra ovaries.
Single male birth first. Before that kid is two, female triplet birth. Before THOSE kids are two, single female birth. When that kid is one, female twin birth. And voila! All that's left is the trip to the courthouse to change your name to Andrea Yates.
3.) I dated a guy from Africa, great guy, he fixed my lunches for work all the time. One day I opened my innocent Tupperware container and there was a nice bed of rice and A FISH HEAD WITH EYES. As if I could eat such a thing. It must be cultural.
4.) The only link I clicked on was to Amazon (although I must go back to figure out the robot thing). Joshilyn, I know that you are doing your very own, victory end zone, booty shaking dance because Diana Lively Is Falling Down is listed as Customers who viewed this book also viewed. So I know that your "flush of pleasure" may be a lot more flushy and filled with pleasure than you can talk about on a PG rated blog!
Warmest wishes and tons of congratulations to you!!!

Posted by: Elena at January 31, 2006 8:55 AM

(to Mir, my love)
*pet, pet*
Sorry, pumpkin.
Want a whisk?

Posted by: Kira at January 31, 2006 10:09 AM

Between is already on my wishlist. Will you do a book tour for Between?

My best girlfriend here is getting married in March. I helped plan her lingerie shower and am making a cake shaped like a boustier (sp?).

Posted by: Heather at January 31, 2006 10:20 AM

Here: http://www.salon.com/tech/feature/2002/02/12/sexbots/print.html

Robot Sex. Not exotic though. I think they mention tea in the article somewhere.

Posted by: Heather at January 31, 2006 10:23 AM

Congrats on the Amazon link! I'd pre-order one myself, but I'm assuming that there will be special signings available for former summer camp counselors, no? :-)

Posted by: matt elliott at February 1, 2006 8:44 AM

I quake in the presence of so much talent!
(Seriously - I know that sounded sarcastic, but I don’t have a sarcastic bone in my body...the dope and liquor binges have destroyed them all *snort*)

Blogger has locked me out of my old blog. I’m starting over at:
Enter the Laughter Redeux
http://enterthelaughter.blogspot.com/

Formerly - Digital Doorway:Enter the Laughter
http://digitaldoorwayblog.blogspot.com/

Trying to notify all of my previous links. Trying not to think evil thoughts - LOL

Happy Groundhog Day!
I hope something wonderful ‘pops up’ for you today! LOL

Posted by: Marti at February 2, 2006 12:41 PM

thanks so much for posting about my book trailer. you got a lot of great comments!!
if anyone is interested, i just posted an article on my blog about book trailers and my own experience with making the trailer. thanks again, joshilyn!

Posted by: anne frasier at February 6, 2006 2:34 PM