January 11, 2006

Gilbert Goes To Hell

I HAVE NOT READ YESTERDAY'S COMMENTS. I have my NUMBER for the correct time written DOWN. I will close the MI# Contest today at around 2 PM EST, and read the comments and post the winners and I shall ALSO then post a whole nother blog entry interview thing. SO!

So, in this case, is a segue that means, "Remember Gilbert?" Well. He did not remember me. I got this niggling WORRY feeling deep in the pit of my stomach at about 10 AM yesterday. I decided to call Comcast BACK. You can imagine the MUSICAL HOLD waiting that ensued....I love how COMCAST chooses to run an endless loop of chatty be-boppy la la COMCAST commercials as you HOLD... just in case you forget for a second who it is that is eating 90 minutes out fo your day with senseless holding and near constant disconnects. Nice to be a total monopoly, huh?

Reader, I "held." Years later, after my ovaries had dried into withered prunes and my home care companion nurse was giving me a spongebath while I spooned Cream O' Wheat into my toothless maw, I was connected to Beatrice. Beatrice said that whole 2.5 hours I spent being hung up upon by the automated phone system and holding and weeping softly into the shell-like and sympathetic ear of the fictional Gilbert was apparently a catapillar dream of the Alice-in-Wonderland Hookah Variety.

I admit to you, oh gentle reader, that at that moment, no human in the history of humans has ever EVER hated another human with the white hot screaming intensity of the burst of LOATHING I felt for Beatrice. When Cain bashed Abel's brains in over lamb v/s fruit? Nothing to this. Cain had to use a WEAPON---me? Not so much. Truly, truly, she is BLESSED AND LUCKY that miles and miles of Georgia was sitting in between us, or else the hate-fueled rocket of my nuclear force gaze would have melted her head. It would have run like wax and dripped off her neck, hopefully staining and ruining her I HEART COMCAST t-shirt.

Then I realized it was MISPLACED loathing and directed properly toward Gilbert. Then I wept into the phone with Beatrice for an hour, and then BEATRICE, she of the head I tried to melt, moved heaven and earth and several ancillary planets and GOT A TECHNITION TO MY HOUSE by three, as you saw on yesterdays posting time. I love her. FOREVER.

SO, the technician came. He was here for almost 34 seconds. He looked at the side of the house and said, "Oh. Look. Your amplifier is unplugged." He grabbed this HUGE BLACK OBVIOUS DANGLING PLUG THING and stuffed in into the OUTLET that was FOUR INCHES from it....*click* my whole house was fixed. I stood outside weeping with relief and tried to feed him organic veggie pizza from Whole Foods, even offering a handful of my prized darkside M and M's, but he waved me off, saying it was the easiest call he would have all year, and anyway, he had just eaten some Taco Bell.

Can I just say that an hour after left Beatrice CALLED MY HOUSE to make sure it was fixed. Did I mention I LOVE her? I now have a I HEART BEATRICE T-Shirt and a POST IT NOTE stuck permanently to my forehead that reads, "Note to self: It is important to plug things in."

Posted by joshilyn at January 11, 2006 7:27 AM

I'm glad you're all globally interconnected again, but I just gotta ask. Who the heck unplugged your connection in the first place? Was it just a coincidence, the timing and all? Did it just fall out, or did some candidate for a tequila bottle up side the head figure this would be a good precautionary step before laying carpet? Btw, OMG, you're funny when you vent!

Posted by: David at January 11, 2006 8:24 AM

David kinda beat me to my comment...why the bloody HELL was the thing unplugged in the first place?? Why would they have had to unplug an outside cable to lay carpet in your office? It is illogical. I'd have never even thought to look to see if something was unplugged OUTSIDE if this had happened at my house. Sheesh!

Posted by: DebR at January 11, 2006 8:35 AM

I hate to partake in schadenfreude (and I'm sorry to hear of your very high MI#), but thank you for keeping me entertained this morning when my own MI# was threatening to go over the top. I'm sitting here wiping the tears of laughter from my eyes, and I really needed that.

Posted by: Jessie at January 11, 2006 8:50 AM


Posted by: Mir at January 11, 2006 8:52 AM

Oh Lord...I've never laughed so hard, nor empathized more. Comcast Customer Service...it is truly a roll of the dice. And the guy turned down WF pizza because he just ate Taco Bell? See that says a lot right there, although at that point you obviously didn't care! Glad you are back to all systems normal.

Posted by: Lisa at January 11, 2006 9:33 AM

See, at my house we'd know how it got unplugged. My 8 yr old.

Posted by: Laura at January 11, 2006 9:51 AM

Your drama was the first thing I thought of this morning when I pushed the button to my computer and it greeting me so warmly. I was sad for you thinking that you might not have that comfort. Now you can do snow angels on your carpet with glee!

Posted by: Andreia at January 11, 2006 10:26 AM

Yesterday my entire computer screen flashed off then back on quickly while I was working. If I living in Georgia, I might blame lightning. Since I live in Oregon, I suspected the ghosts of some Louie La'mour character. Turned out to be nothing more than Hushpuppy, my new kitten, pawing around under my feet and accidentally flipping the switch. Hushpuppy wasn't content with freaking me out. He jumped on the keyboard and proceeded to tap out a Kibbles'n Bit two-step across it. Turns out he what he wrote was probably better than the section of the novel I was working on. Glad you're plugged back in.

Posted by: karen zacharias at January 11, 2006 11:45 AM

Joss, Joss, Joss...I will now stand by my reformated MI number of 1700. Go buy a nice chair, and matching shoes and have a better today - at least you have your V's...that will teach Mr. Husband to leave you in the hand's of late carpet laying ninkunpluggers...

Posted by: Cele at January 11, 2006 11:56 AM

Shoes first, THEN chair!

I am so happy about Beatrice being so nice to you. Now I will think of her whenever I see the name, instead of the creepy world-domination "We're Beatrisssssss..." lady voiceover that seemed like it came at the end of every other TV commercial a few years back. Shiver.

Posted by: Cornelia Read at January 11, 2006 12:04 PM

you gotta thank taco bell too. it left more whole foods organic veggie pizza for you. and as an aside, can i just tell you that i got to be single and childless on monday night (unfortunately up until midnight doing freelance work), but i got to eat WF 5-layer mexican dip straight out of the container for dinner. it was lovely!

Posted by: liz at January 11, 2006 2:19 PM

As a former "Beatrice" (at least I hope I wasn't a Gilbert or one of the previous "beings" you talked to) I am glad you are back amongst the connected. I laughed my fool head off because I could SO relate...and am relating now. Cept for me, it's not cable. It's my furnace. What I wouldn't do for a "Beatrice" at Acme Heating & Aire...

Anyway, great post!

Posted by: The Phoenix at January 11, 2006 4:08 PM

All hail Queen Beatrice the merciful, who is greatly deserving of pie! Are you SURE she works for Comcast, tho, and not for, well, GOD? 'Cause Comcast would never hire someone so lovely and helpful and dear. Comcast is a whole company full of KIMBERLYs, in my experience! So glad the MI# is on the way down...

Posted by: Amy-GO at January 11, 2006 5:26 PM

Oh my stars! I can sympathize!

I was ROTF reading your re-telling of your tale of woe though! LOL

Posted by: Marti at January 11, 2006 6:42 PM


Posted by: Heather at January 17, 2006 10:47 PM