January 4, 2006

Whole Hearted

My friend Karen's husband is having affair. With a grocery store. If I lived at Karen's house, I would have one too. *Sigh* Whole Foods sits two miles away. Her husband came creeping in late last night stinking of grilled asparagus, a scarlet smear of organic cherry juice on his collar, carrying a bag of illicit, sexy groceries that probably cost more than a pony.

I know some people who, if The Prize Patrol showed up at their spooky little hovel with the check for ten mil, would go directly out and buy something stupid. Like a Hummer. Or France. That's twaddle. Me? When they come to MY spooky hovel? I will buy a nose bag full of Whole Foods smoked salmon salad made with organic purple onions, the kind that costs 300 thousand dollars a LICK and tastes like the oceanic personification of love. You know that painting of Venus? Rising out of the sea in her clam shell? If you took a bite out of her milky thigh, it might come CLOSE to the perfection of that salad...Maybe.

OH! Also? They have this chicken thing in the case there, this bone-in chicken thing with grilled peppers, and I SWEAR to you it can't REALLY be chicken. Maybe it is a big warm patty of organic butter molded into a chickeny looking SHAPE. Maybe it is made out of solient green. But if it is, and word gets out, I know a some folks the earth might be better of without for the sake of that meal.

Can you tell I have not had dinner yet? I have to go cook sad and inferior Kroger Grouper, comforting myself that at LEAST it is wild caught and therefore doesn't have so much mercury in it that if I stuck its tail under my tongue it would open its little fish mouth and say what my temperature is in a squeaky voice. Which would be creepy on many levels beginning with, "It's dead" and going to, "Wait, I put its sad dead floppy uncooked filthy tail WHERE?" and ending with "WHY DOES IT TALK?" Which brings us back to the beginning where it's DEAD. AND if it is going to be dead and talk, why the squeaky voice? Shouldn't it talk more like that trout on the Sopranos? Personally, I would prefer it to talk like Lyndon B. Johnson. I would trust it a bit more to get my temperature right if it sounded very authoritative and presidential. Also, I think any talking dead fish one has tucked into one's mouth should use archaic language.

I think I am now offically delirious with hunger, and this on a day when the tide of mental illness was already set on "high." This seems like a good time to NOT TALK ANYMORE. Starting....NOW!

Posted by joshilyn at January 4, 2006 7:16 PM

Oh. Smoked salmon salad. Wait! You forgot the stuffed portabello mushroom cap things! And the asparagus salad! And! Um! Damn I'm hungry.

Posted by: Mir at January 4, 2006 8:22 PM

To quote one of my favorite Friend's Lines: "I don't know if I'm horny or hungry."

Posted by: Angela at January 4, 2006 9:11 PM

If a dead fish is going to tell me my temperature, I want it to sound like James Earl Jones. I'd believe anything that sounded like JEJ.

Um...that's it. My entire comment. Dead fish, James Earl Jones. It's time to go sleep now.

Posted by: DebR at January 4, 2006 11:49 PM

I'm with Deb, it better sound like James Earl Jones...er....or Sam Elliot.

I just finished dinner and now I'm hungry all over again...hmmm time for Rocky Road.

Posted by: Cele at January 5, 2006 12:05 AM

Sam Waterston.

And now I'm hungry for dinner and it's 5:44 a.m.

Don't ask.

Posted by: Cornelia Read at January 5, 2006 8:42 AM

Three days on South Beach and I LOST A POUND!! *shimmies with delight* And I'm starving! And I'd probably eat the dead fish whole if I had it in front of me right now even if it sounded like Patrick Stewart even if it was saying "Don't eat me! Make it so!" But I LOST A POUND! YIPPEEEEEE!

Posted by: Amy-GO at January 5, 2006 9:42 AM

Jon Stewart. But it would have to make those adorable "WTF?" faces and do that exaggerated tie-is-too-tight gulping thing, too.

Posted by: Karen Abbott at January 5, 2006 11:48 AM

First off, the next time we manage to tempt you into coming all the way into Atlanta, I will take you to much superior and cheaper organic food markets. I never go all the way to Midtown (please, do not shoot me) for Whole Paycheck when I have the DFM and Sevenanda (sp) within biking distance from the house:)

If a fish is in my mouth it better have something dern important to say and be able to say it QUICKLY before I barf it out and do a squishy dance on its head, because, hey it's TALKING and that totally creeps me out.

Posted by: Christ at January 5, 2006 11:51 AM

Ok, I totally did not mean to type Christ above. All the visions are starting to get to me...

Posted by: Chris at January 5, 2006 11:53 AM

Chris - I was about to be REALLY impressed with Joshilyn's circle of friends. Who knew Christ lived in Atlanta? I would have thought it would be Savannah for sure.

Posted by: Angela at January 5, 2006 2:38 PM

Ooooo, the new WholeFoods in Atlanta is to die for...

Chris, you're in Atlanta? I remember Sevenanda from my post-college hippie days in Virginia Highlands--before it got yuppified.

Posted by: Edgy Mama at January 5, 2006 4:05 PM

Okay, my mom calls Whole Foods "the food museum." But she still buys dented cans of "no frills" chili made out of beef hearts that are definitely left over from 1983.

And, COMPLETELY off topic here but KIND OF on topic within my actual comment, but my mom called from a layover in the Chicago airport yesterday on her way home from New Orleans (ex-boyfriend in Florida bought an old dumptruck and was looking for work... okay, second time today typing DON'T ASK...)

ANYWAY, so they pull into this abandoned street, says Mom, where obviously the flood got up to the second story windows and stuff, and it is all haunting with stray leaves skirling by, and she sees this ball lying in the middle of the street. "like a kickball kind of ball," she explains, "so I of course thought, hey, I *bet* I could kick it right over the top of the roof of that house..."

And I'm nodding and mm-hmming with the phone tucked into my shoulder while I load the dishwasher and everything, whereupon she says, "except it was BOWLING ball."

"A. bowling. ball." I say.

"I thought at first it was *stuck*, or I'd kicked a rock I didn't see, until it sloooowwwwlllly rolled about six inches--from the impact--and then of course I saw the FINGER holes..."

"Okay," I said, "I mean, if you got stabbed or something, that might *possibly* hurt more, but Oh My God is there ANYTHING more painful than hurt toes? I don't THINK so... that blistering white hot/cold full-body blinding flash of horror, like if you catch the corner of a wooden chair that's heav, on the way to the kitchen in the middle of the night, and it goes ON and ON and ON..."

"Yes. It certainly does. And I lost two toenails. But when it finally passed and I knew I WASN'T going to throw up after all, I have to say that I did pick the thing up and BOWL it down the middle of the street."

"OH!" I say. "Oh! That's gorgeous, Mom. Like, totally cinematic. Fellini even..."

"*I* thought so. So then of course I had to ask Carl to drive me to a drug store in the dump truck so I could buy some open-toed plastic shoes..."

And then they started announcing that it was time to line up for boarding, at the O'Hare gate, there.

Posted by: Cornelia Read at January 6, 2006 12:39 AM

I heart Cornelia's mother. :-)

Posted by: DebR at January 6, 2006 9:34 AM

i miss whole foods -- which we fondly called Whole Paycheck (my sis's partner dubbed it that). it was IN THE TOWN WHERE WE LIVED!!! like, maybe FIVE MINUTES AWAY!!!
and now, we have wild oats. which is pretty good too, but it's about 45 minutes away - very close to the trader joes (which i love also b/c their dairy products are the least expensive ever! even for the organics!!). ahhh trader joes also used to be about 5 minutes from our house.

oh well. oh! and the fish! i'd say jon stewart too, if it could use its fins to twist its nonexistant nipples like jon does too. if not, then i'm w/debR - i'd do anything james earl jones said too.

Posted by: kristen at January 6, 2006 11:05 AM

Soilent Green is PEOPLE!!!
I love your book, I love your words. Please write one novel per week for the rest of your life, thank you.

Posted by: Janet Mc at January 6, 2006 11:29 AM

P.S. Wow, Christ left you a comment. Whaddaya know!

Posted by: Janet Mc at January 6, 2006 11:30 AM

Am also having an affair with Whole Foods...

Posted by: Nancy at January 8, 2006 7:04 PM

OK, I never like fish anyway, but after reading -- and in-living-color visualizing - your post, I will MOST CERTAINLY not be able to actually EAT fish ever again! But, I can relate to having a love affair w/a grocery store. My weakness is ethnic groceries. Give me Lee-Lee's Oriental Market, Roma's Italian Imports, an authentic Carnecia or Panderia -- Oh-My-Gaawsh!!!

Posted by: Natalie at January 10, 2006 10:23 PM