December 28, 2005

If It Sounds Dirty, Blame Your Filthy Ears

WARNING, this entry is rated Rated PG Sperm-teen, which means that if you aren't old enough to read the word sperm about 500 times without giggling, stop reading. Of course, this probably means I am not mature enough read it, so forgive the typos. My own edict forbids me from proofreading.

I have MT BLACKLIST to get all the CIALIS links out of my comments, but I JUST deleted a comment that was directing people to buy the SEMENAX SPERM PILL. Which...I almost left that comment up. WHAT THE HECK IS A SPERM PILL? I hope to GOD it is not a pill MADE out of sperm that claims to give you glossy hair. Because, ew. I TRULY HOPE it is a pill you have to GIVE individual sperms. I wonder what you would do to make them take it? You could maybe hide it in cheese or peanut butter? What do Sperms like? Or maybe Sperms are like cats and you just have to STUFF it in and hold their mouths closed til they swallow, their little tails wriggling and thrashing in spermly rage. The fact that every man walking around has, like, a BILLION of them means there is potentially a HUGE market for this product. Ah well, I shall never know. I DID delete it on principle. Can't encourage the comment spammers...

In comments, the non-Spam Aimee Parrott said she almost "Sproinked Herself." I have no response to this, but felt it was worth repeating in an entry titled, "If It Sounds Dirty, Blame Your Filthy Ears."

My brother, who gave up cursing for Lent one year and never went back to it, has invented his own cursewords that sound dirty but are not, and the foulest of them all is, "Pony Hole." Ew.

I maintain that "Succulent Vines" sounds REPULSIVE.

Not Dirty Sounding: When I returned from Christmas, I had three packages piled on my dining room table. They were VERY GREAT.

Package One: The ARCs (advanced reader copies) for BETWEEN, GEORGIA. It is SO freakin' sexy to hold and sniff the ARCs of a book I wrote that there should be a filthy sounding word for it.

Package two: MY SECRET FRIEND EXISTS. I got an email from her and also GODIVA DARK CHOCOLATE COCOA and SANTA while I was gone! But she has remained determinedly secret, and yet Christmas is OVER... Perhaps because I was such a pony hole this year and revealed too early, MY SF has decided to remain unrevealed.

Package Three: Lip gloss and a shirt and necklace from my best friend. HUZZAH!

Clearly Santa exists. And even more clearly, I was a VERY good girl, right up until the point that I posted this not-actually-filthy blog entry. BUT IT IS SIMPLY TOO LATE. I have my loots already, and I don't have to worry about being good enough to garner loots in 2006 until January.

Let the naughtiness commence!

And to begind it I present unto you, a Bonus Transcript of a Filthy Conversation With Mir

Mir: Monkey has a thing on his thumb, and I thought it was a wart but he says it hurts.
Me: Warts can't hurt?
Mir: So that makes it... what? A boil? The plague?
Me: Um some sort of wartlike hurty thing? That is my diagnosis speaking as a doctor.
Mir: I have some of those wart-away strips, but I don't want to use one if it's a booboo.
Me: Maybe it was a wart and he scraped it and hurt it and that is why it hurts?
Mir: But he has no recollection of having hurt his thumb.
Me: Well, that means nothing -- my child will come home spurting arterial blood with no leg and not know how he got hurt.
Mir: Haha true --- how do I determine if it's a wart?
Me: If in 2 days the soreness has abated and it looks like a wart, then it is a wart. If in 2 days the soreness has not abated, then it is NOT a wart, and he must go to the vet and be treated for plague
Mir: You so smart.

*pause*

Mir: GAH I went looking for pictures of warts and clicked on a link and it was GENITAL WARTS
Mir: MY EYES!!!!

Posted by joshilyn at December 28, 2005 1:48 PM
Comments

"Package One: The ARCs (advanced reader copies) for BETWEEN, GEORGIA. It is SO freakin' sexy to hold and sniff the ARCs of a book I wrote that there should be a filthy sounding word for it."

Perhaps "sproinked"?

Posted by: Angela at December 28, 2005 2:00 PM

Comment the second: I love Mir. I love Monkey.

Oh...and the ARCs...there will be a contest...yes??? For to win one??? That we may take home and love forever???

Posted by: Angela at December 28, 2005 2:12 PM

I agree with the contest. I think we all want a copy to read, review, and review again!

Posted by: Tina at December 28, 2005 3:21 PM

Bwahahahahahahahahaha!!!

Please Im me sometime (Mommyheaver on AIM) so I can get your expert medical opinion on some things. ROFL!

Posted by: Heather at December 28, 2005 6:15 PM

PS Yes to the contest. The winner is whoever is named Heather, helped you make a waitress blush in Mississippi, and read Haven Kimmel because of you (and LIKED her very much).

Oh oh oh... look. I WIN!

Posted by: Heather at December 28, 2005 6:16 PM

Oh, dear me! The thrashing tails as they're forced to swallow the pill? You're outrageous! How do you do that?

The wart thing? MY EYES!? *ROFL* Only Mir, man, only Mir.

New ARCS! Say it with me now, everyone. Yummm!

Posted by: David at December 28, 2005 6:45 PM

Sproinked. A neologism, by me, spurred by the half painful/half funny half noisy/half silent (yeah, I know it's four halves. Math never was my strong suit) experience I had reading that post with my boss right across the way in his office. I suppressed a giggle which resulted in a minor SPRain in my grOIN. And the supression resulted in a snorting noise rather like a muffled OINK. Or should that be oinK? Anyway. Yes, sproinked.

Posted by: Aimee at December 28, 2005 6:48 PM

OMG, thanks to Mir I come across this blog and I end up sproinking myself (Sorry Aimee, it's just too good to pass up. This word will forever live on in the Rigg vocabulary).

Posted by: jenrigg at December 29, 2005 7:38 AM

No need to apologize, Jen. I'm hoping to get it into dictionaries by the end of the decade. ;)

Posted by: Aimee at December 29, 2005 1:13 PM

To "Sproink" or collectively "Sproinking"

He Sproinked. She Sproinked. We Sproinked. They Sproinked. What a lovely new word to use. I am going to drop that into every conversation possible at The Bookseller to the Stars today. I love learning new words to baffle people when being asked inane questions, just like the hot water bottle enquiry I had yesterday. That and pony hole will conquor today.

OOOh, you have proofs. Are any coming over to Hodder in the UK?

Posted by: Bookseller to the Stars at December 30, 2005 3:13 AM

just got turned on to your blog by someone posting to a jewelry board I'm on. You are wondefully entertaining. I would love to see a compilation of the words your brother has come up with to circumvent using the traditional cursewords.

Posted by: Evil E at January 1, 2006 12:17 AM

Joss you never fail to entertain, evoke rampant mental images of cute havoc, and snorts of derisive gaiety that result in sproinkes. Good word.

I root for contest - but seeing as how I am rabidly bad a contest - I beg of the release date.

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Posted by: payday loans at January 3, 2006 2:24 PM

I think it was exactly one year ago as I was starting to wear MAC red lipstick as a sekrut friend unsecreted at last that I said PICK ME PICK ME PICK ME! for an ARC of gods in Alabama. So, on this anniversary I say:

PICK ME PICK ME PICK ME PICK ME PICK ME! I'll review it everywhere! ME me me me me me me with chocolate and beef tenderloin that tastes like love and red lipstick and a shirt.

Posted by: Amy at January 3, 2006 11:01 PM