December 19, 2005


I have been MEMED again. I got MEMED last week but was unable to MEMify because I had to paint my HUGE basement red. And really, I ask you, WHY? Why red? Three coats later, we are getting close to a redlikeness. Maybe ONE more coat. And of course by now I have forgotten who tagged me and have lost the e-mail where I was told I was tagged, and I did a search of the meme's key phrases and my name trying to find the LINK from her blog to mine where she tagged me and google tells me NOTHING. Therefore I cannot link back to hers. Therefore I am a bad person. And so is Google. Please put the link in the comments? Or email it to me and I will insert here: FUTURE POSSIBLE LINK

I found doing this that I don't really have the attention span for seven things. You may have met a man with seven wives when YOU went to St. Ives. But me? At about wife four I saw someting shiny and wandered off. Hey, I did my best.

Seven things to do before I die:

1. Become a better person. I know I say I am going to become a better person every dern day, and then I relentlessly DO NOT, opting to instead stay the same old half-assed NON-better person, but I think it's important to make the vow, you know? I am going to keep it at the top of my goal list in the hopes that for a golden moment or two before I die, I will bloom into a kinder, gentler version of me. Joss Mach 2.
2. Lose five or maybe seven pounds. As a life goal, as a thing to do BEFORE DEATH, I realize this is pathetic and shallow. And yet, I had a hard time not making it number one, which shows you how TRULY far I have to go before I can put a check mark by "become a better person."
3. Actually follow through on my near constant vows to quit writing and become a rock legend.

No, that's a lie. Actually, I want to quit vowing to quit writing and go do somethign improbable, and admit and accept how much I freakin' love being a novelist. It's hard to NOT create drama---and one can never discount the SOMETHING SHINY factor. Yesterday, Karen showed me these Mod Poddy Rertro WALL ART THINGS you can MAKE YOURSELF, and my immediate response was to say, "I think we should quit writing, and possibly also quit bathing, and become art deco fabric wall art makers. Count me in. I am sure we will get a gallery show and be nicknamed THE SMELLY BUT AMAZING WARHOL TWINS for our true artistic greatness." I fuel a constant stream of hypothetical BAD career moves, and I need to SHUT UP. So really #3 should read "STOP CREATING DRAMA before I die," which if you think about hard, actually translates as "Be happy with who and what I am."

For things that are the diametrical opposites of "Be happy with who and what I am," I refer you to 1 and 2, above, and would like to point out that being happy with who and what I am might NEGATE 1 and make 2 obsolete, and I would never have to actually become a better person or diet AT ALL! Tempting! I accept. The ONLY thing I TRULY want to do before I die is learn to be happy with who and what I am. Wow. Who knew. I hereby declare "be happy with self" to be all seven of the things I should do before I die.

Or, no, let's make that 1 - 6, and for 7, I want to learn the tango. It would help if I could lose five pounds so i could look smashing in the tango dress FIRST, and also I should become a better person really quick BEFORE I became happy with myself and attempt the tango, because I feel a better person (if I became one) might have a modicum of grace (which I do not.) In fact, on Saturday night I got out of my seat at the Mexican Cantina which, BY THE WAY, had no dance floor and, more importantly, NO MUSIC PLAYING, and I attempted to do THE RUNNING MAN dance move from the 80's (HAMMER TIME!) and my friend Karen laughed until she was practically crying and said, "I'm not saying it was BAD, even though it was pretty bad. I am only saying it looked more like a Can Can.." And then when I looked crestfallen she added, kindly, "BUT IT WAS A GOOD CANCAN! And only the people on this side of the restaurant actually saw your underpants. So THAT's good, too."

By the way, the fact that I so immediately digressed from the whole MAYBE I SHOULD LEARN TO LOVE MYSELF WHICH IS THE GREATEST LOVE OF ALL, THANK YOU YOU WHITNEY, only shows you how deeply unlikely it is that I will manage to actually DO IT before I die when you take into account the human life span AND my attention span, and so therefore I want to change my DO BEFORE I DIE list again to read, "I want to go to Thailand and Australia and Japan and Alaska and Hawaii and the Galapogos Islands and learn to tango." There. That's seven.

Seven things I cannot do:

1. The Running Man Dance Move from the 80's
2. Sing
3. Become a better person, apparently.
4. Make a roux.
5. Lose gracefully.

Seven things that attract me to my husband:
(to the literal-minded of those tagged by this: substitute your own spouse or a significant other if you have one or a best friend if not)

1. The big tall tallness of him. I like a man that seems like he could pick you up and hurl you out of a burning barn, and then go back and do the same for your horse.
2. The big smart smartipantsness of him. Chuck just said, of Scott, "He seems like the kind of guy who is so freakishly smart he has to kind of DIAL IT DOWN in order to go into the public." That's...pretty accurate.
3. THE BEARD. I MOCKED him when he started growing it, said, "I HATE beards, yick, I hope you don't think I am going to run around KISSING YOU with that FURRY THING on your HEAD!" And then once it came in I was all, like, "WELL HELLO THERE, MISTER BEARDED MAN! LET'S MAKE OUT!"
4. The sci-fi geek factor.
5. The fact that he is so so so so so nice to me, even when I am saying 1 - 4 of the things I say most often. (see below).

Seven things I say most often:

1. Do these pants make my butt look big?
2. LET'S HAVE A PEACE RIDE! (a peace ride is where children are not allowed to talk in the car, and we all listen to music or bang our heads against the windshield, whatever, as long as we do it silently.)
3. I am never going to get this book done, and even if I somehow do, it will be terrible because I am terrible. I hate myself and my book and oxygen and I wish you would hit my head with a rock til I stop thinking. Thanks.
4. I am a complete genius. This is the best thing I have ever written. Seriously. The best. I think you should rip that bannister off the wall and whittle it into some sort of memorial STATUE of me. Thanks.

Note: Some days, I say both three and four ALTERNATELY every hour or so, with absolute sincerity. AND HE IS STILL NICE |TO ME. I would have drowned me like too many kittens YEARS ago.

5. Where is/are my keys/purse/children/coat/head

Seven books I love: (and here I limit myself to books I read this year, in the order that they occur to me, and also I limit myself to books avaiable NOW, because I read a lot of ARCs this year):

1. Something Rising (Light and Swift) - Haven Kimmel
2. The Garden Angel - Mindy Friddle
3. Diana Lively is Falling Down - Sheila Curran
4. Truth and Beauty - Ann Patchett
5. Love Walked In -- Marisa de los Santos
6. The Final Solution -- Michael Chabon
7. Case Histories -- Kate Atkinson

It's hard to stop at 7---also I really liked The Bitch Posse, Cast of Shadows, Same Sweet Girls, Cinnamon Kiss, Broken for You, and that's just this year. I read too freakin' much.

Seven movies I would watch over and over again:

1. Grosse Pointe Blank
2. True Romance

That's about it. I can't think of another movie I am always happy to sit and watch. Although I DID love Garden State and Serenity and both those may end up being infinitely re-watchable.

Seven people I want to join in, too:

1.) You. And shoot me an url. I hope you get to all 7.

Posted by joshilyn at December 19, 2005 9:35 AM

That was fun! Except for digging out my life goals list--it's so old and out of date. I mean, learning to drive is just becoming less and less of a priority, and I am never EVER going to sing at anyone's wedding.

Posted by: Sarah at December 19, 2005 1:10 PM

I was reading this outloud to my husband. Laughing so hard. In a good way.

Reading these meme responses can be sooo boring. You defintely didn't let that happen. hehe. thanks!

Posted by: Autumn at December 19, 2005 1:43 PM

challenge accepted and done ma'am

Posted by: Tina at December 19, 2005 2:18 PM

I did this one like MONTHS ago. I'll go back and try to retrieve it, but it's probably dead dull and uninspired.

Grosse Pointe Blank is one of the best movies ever made.

Posted by: Edgy Mama at December 19, 2005 3:17 PM

Can I do like Edgy Mama and ressurrect (sp?) and old post? I did a meme last month that had some of the exact same questions (plus a few others!) but they only asked for lists of three things, not seven things. And since I also often have a short attention sp....hey!...what's that?...

So if anyone want to see, here's the link to my 3-things-not-7 post:

Posted by: DebR at December 19, 2005 5:37 PM

I am so busted. Here's the link from the meme when I memified you:

Garden State WAS a nice movie.

Posted by: Mary Louisa at December 20, 2005 12:02 AM

I can't do the Running Man either and yes, it is a major source of regret in my life.

Posted by: Katie at December 20, 2005 3:42 PM

I wish I was as eloquant (and as humerous) as you. But I will teach you to make Roux and Kahlua if you want.

Oh, Joy! It's Me

Posted by: Cele at December 21, 2005 12:18 PM