December 13, 2005


I hereby declare today to be INTERNATIONAL PAJAMA DAY. Today I shall clean up a little, make some phonecalls, do a little revising, finish at least one of the three books I am in the middle of reading, play with Maisy, dabble in Warcraft, talk on the phone, and lavish affection upon the hapless cat. In other words, nothing that requires me to get out of these pajamas. The pajama bottoms are pink with HUGE obnoxious grandma' s couch style cabbage roses all over, and I am wearing them with an old pink maternity T shirt circa 1997, and Sam was a BIG baby. He weighed in at almost 12 pounds. SO, this shirt is so floppy that I could fit the cat in here with me and probably a Llama and a small herd of those miniatuer antelope. I am not going to brush my hair, even. You can't make me.

BY THE WAY, I just learned from a woman who writes horror fiction that those BRATZ dolls (which already creep me out) have CHANGEABLE FEET. Yikes. You can yoink their feet right off and stick on entirely NEW feet. It is because they have such complicated, hookery shoes, so you can't actually CHANGE the shoes themselves. I won't have those things in my house. They are so NOSELESS and HORRIFYING. I think they have no noses because they did not get their syphilis treated, and the dern things rotted right off. Now they have brain lesions and dementia, and THAT explains the hacking off their own feet any time they want to change shoes.

My new policy is to only buy toys that do not exhibit the symptoms of untreated venereal diseases. I am all about Polly Pocket and My Little Pony.

Yesterday I went Christmas shopping ALL DAY with my friend Karen. HIGHLIGHTS:

1) At Macy's, there is a PIG. It is either A) a live pig, or B) a ride, or C) a ride with a live pig on it. It cost three dollars to see for sure. I felt it was only worth the three dollars if it was C) a ride WITH a live pig on it, so we did not go.

2) At the big mall in Atlanta, they have a real beard Santa with LONG blow dried feathery white hair. He looks very cheerful and ... coifed. He is clearly a rich people's Santa who has been to Vidal Sassoon.

3) They had some sort of advertisement thing on the floor. I wish I could explain this. It was like a big FLAT SCREEN, maybe 8 feet by 5 feet? And the screen would have images or ads on it, and you could move things with your feet by walking or dancing on the screen. It was SO ODD. Like, there was a BANK AD. The bank's logo was submerged in a fish pond full of goldfish. And as we STAMPED on the goldfish, they would RUUUUUN, and the surface would ripple as if we had kicked the top of a real fishpond. Each ad would stay on for maybe a minute, and about every third add, a GAME would come up, like a soccer field, or an air hockey table, with a ball you could move by stamping and kicking at it. We set down all our packages and and stamped all over that thing for at least ten minutes, completely oblivious to the fact that from any more than 3 feet away, where a person could not see the screen in the floor, we must have looked like complete LOONS who had shed several hundred dollars worth of merchandise and thrown theuir coats on the floor to giggle and shriek and dance around with no music and NO VISIBLE CAUSE.

4) At the French Soap Store --- and here let me pause and say, Yes, Virginia, there really is a French Soap Store. An ENTIRE huge store devoted to NOTHING but French soap. Quite shocking to a rube like me. Why, I had to burp in surprise and scratch myself! Okay, that is not true. But I SAY IT because French Soapstress came over to tell us about the wonders of French Soap, and after a few minutes of her burbling Joie de Vivre-ally about "The Lanolin covered fields of Sheepful Provence" and me boggling at the 65 dollar pricetag on a teeny box of French Soap shaped like a bee, the Soaptress asked if we lived in town or were visiting. I said I was in town visiting Karen, and Karen said, "Yeah she lives way out in South Cobb County." And the Soapstress LEAPT BACK in horror, as if Karen had held me up with tweezers and said "LOOK! I BROUGHT YOU SOME POO!"

I was clearly not qualified to buy French Soap, so we went next door to Ann Taylor where I forgot I was Christmas Shopping and accidentally spent 97 dollars on a cashmere sweater. <---not true, Scott, if you are reading this. And pay no attention ot the Ann Taylor bill when it comes later this month. They were smoking a BIG HOOKAH full of opium when we were in there, and they may have accidentally charged me for a cashmere sweater I would not ever buy myself right at Christmas. Drug addicts, every one of 'em. AND ANYWAY I did not buy the 6 month old African Gray Parrot we saw at PetSmart, who was 1300 dollars and who CLEARLY LOVED ME and WANTED me to buy both him and about 700 dollars of Parrot-Keeping equipment and toys and feed and perches. So. We didn't lose 100 dollars, we gained 2,000 and a REALLY nice sweater. And maybe a camisole.

Posted by joshilyn at December 13, 2005 9:11 AM

It used to be an overhead Pig Monorail type of thing where you actually got *inside* the pig to be wisked around the ceiling of the Rich's downtown store. Now, sadly, it is an imitation kid sized roller coaster that is pink. Not remotely the same thing and not worth the $3 cover.
And the lighting of the Great Tree has never been the same since the downtown store closed either.
The floor tv sounds like fun, though:)

Posted by: Chris at December 13, 2005 9:24 AM

Yes, Chris. I remember the Pink Pig!

They have one of those floor TV thingees at the very small and unsophisticated Asheville Mall as well. My four-year-old adores it.

Who knew that Ann Taylor employees are all opium addicts?

Posted by: Edgy Mama at December 13, 2005 10:18 AM

So they charged you for a sweater you didn't really buy? No problem. I'll just dispute the charge and cancel the Ann Taylor account. Easy peasy. No sense in having an open credit line with hookah smoking opium addicts.


Posted by: Mr. Husband at December 13, 2005 10:18 AM

French soap? Does that count as an oxymoron?

Posted by: Em at December 13, 2005 10:50 AM

International pajama day, way kewl. I've been wearing my slippers to work for the last week so why not my jammies? I don't work with too many clients, I mean come on this is radio, and Nancy wears her jammies to work on Saturday mornings (No lie!) so why can't I?

I am blessed with a granson (who does have a baby doll) but no yearning for Bratz. Thank heavens those things are scary. And the exchanging of feet, isn't there a health law against that? You know like trading underwear or gum? No, wait I use to swap gum. scratch that....he was really cute and I would have kissed him in a heart beat....or less. a lot....I was young...a teen. Oh sheesh, I'd still kiss him today...but then his wife would be ticked, and kick my zip code size butt. hmmm, dreams...hmmm my hubby might mind too. Okay I'm off to work in my jammies...and a really large overcoat.

Posted by: Cele at December 13, 2005 11:34 AM

I COVET that floor hockey thing. I think we have to go back.

And you look very hot in that cashmere sweater that you most certainly did not buy.

Posted by: Karen Abbott at December 13, 2005 12:00 PM

Bratz are WRONG! Thank you Lord (again!) that I only have boys.
They have one of those floor tv thingies at our movie theater. The kids beg to go to the movies just to play on it! Lots of fun, and yes, you probably looked like a loon. Oh well.
I think you are ok with the Ann Taylor incident as long as you didn't buy the sweater FOR the parrot. Which might seem like a good idea if you got enough secondary smoke from that big hookah they were smoking.
Kevin claims the same sort of drug addicts work at Best Buy. He went there over the weekend and swore that they held him down and beat him until he offered up his credit card. And what do you know? This morning a TV appeared on our doorstep! Kevin is claiming no responsibility. I'm interviewing divorce lawyers. ;)

Posted by: Amy-GO at December 13, 2005 12:09 PM

How can you say My Little Pony doesn't exhibit symptoms of untreated venereal disease?

Posted by: laura at December 13, 2005 1:53 PM

Fellow Writing Mother (notTM) here, laughing as usual at your cavorts.

Not that you have TIME or anything (or that you even KNOW me), but I tagged you for a meme. See, if you'd bought the parrot, you could've set him up at the keyboard and he would take care of things like this for you.

Posted by: ML at December 13, 2005 3:29 PM

I'm all for International Pajama Day! I've been caught out getting the newspaper in my pj's, have now taken to driving lil boy to school in my pj's, and today, forgetting that I was still in pj's, I stopped at Target on my way home for ... laundry detergent (with my other lil boy, still in his pj's too!)

All in honor of International Pajama Day!

Posted by: Patti at December 13, 2005 10:55 PM

You forgot to tell me that you won at shopping! And by "won," I mean that you get to buy your Ann Taylor stuff NEW and don't have to use Dryel to rid it of thrift store smell. You win!

Posted by: Mir at December 14, 2005 10:29 AM

Wow, Mr. Husband is ruthless at this Being Helpful stuff! :-)

Posted by: DebR at December 14, 2005 2:04 PM

The sweater was a gift for me right? ROFL! If I accidentally spent $97 on anything we'd be out of groceries for a while.

Posted by: Heather at December 14, 2005 10:00 PM

i rode the original pink pig as a child, so i hear, but i don't remember it. this $3 knock-off is totally great for the toddler crowd. my 18-month-old LOVED it, but no one over 4 who's ever been to disney world would care.

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