November 17, 2005

Role Reversal

See, I am usually the crazy one. He is the sane one. I break things. He understands how to mix up epoxy. I zoom through space, and he provides the gravity that keeps me in an orbit so I don't go plummeting into the sun. I yell my way to resolution, he prefers to use reason. I spaz, he logics. It's how we work, and it works well for us, thanks, in 99 out of 100 cases.

Me: But WHY don't you like spiders?
Him: Too many eyes.
Me: They are pretty, and webs are pretty, and they eat the other bugs that are gross, like roaches.
Him: Too many eyes.
Me: So it's not spiders per se, it's things with too many eyes?
Him: Yes. It's very wrong to have too many eyes.
Me: Well, how many eyes is too many eyes?
Him: More than two eyes is too many eyes.
Me: So you hate anything with more than two eyes?
Him; Yes.
Me: YOU, Mr. Husband, bastion of of reason in an unreasonable world, YOU fully admit that you violently and unthinkingly from the gut viscerally HATE things with more than two eyes.
Him: *Thinks* It is an unnatural prejudice. But. Yes.
Me: So you hate flies?
Him: Flies are fine.
Me: But flies have about a million eyes!
Him: Can you even FIND the Discovery channel?
Me: Is it near the WB?
Him: Never mind. Flies have two eyes.
Me: I thought they had about a million?
Him: No they have two COMPOUND eyes, so they see many pictures, but the number of eyes is two. Compound eyes are fine.
Me: COMPOUND eyes? Is that like an EYE CLUSTERS? Big gooey CLUSTERS of eye???
Him: Yes.
Me: That's disgusting.
Him: No, it isn't, as long as there are only two. I don't know anything but spiders that has too many eyes.
Me: Can you have too FEW eyes?
Him: No. I am fine with squids, and squids only have one eye.
Me: So does our cat, for that matter.
Him: Right. But you can't walk around with more than two or you are creepy. That is all. And nothing else on earth has too many eyes. Name one thing other than spiders that lurks around being horrifying with a whole bunch of eyes stuck on all over. You can't.
Me: Even when the spider is so SMALL it is like an adorable little SPECK with LEGS and you can't SEE that it has eight or eleven or five eyes?
Him: It doesn't matter. I know the eyes are there. *shudders*

Posted by joshilyn at November 17, 2005 10:28 AM

My most successful Halloween 'costume' is to paint an absolutely realistic eye in the middle of my forehead - same color as my irises and with a highlight. Creeps people out. They don't know where to look.

And I've always loved the seraphim in One of Madelaine L'Engle Austin family books (A Swiftly Tilting Planet?) who seemed to be made of smoke, feathers, and hundreds of different kinds of eyes, including cat's, goats, and lizard eyes.
"I thought that seraphim was plural?" she said.
"I am a singular seraphim."
[from memory so probably not accurate quoting]


Posted by: Holly at November 17, 2005 11:08 AM

Kevin hates spiders too! And I'm not, like, FOND of them or anything but I can deal. But he's totally creeped out and won't go near them. It's not the eyes that bother him, tho - it's the LEGS. Too many LEGS creeps him out. So.

How does Mr. Husband feel about the descriptions of the creatures around the throne in Revelation? They have lots of eyes, too - is he going to be creeped out in Heaven? Because for some bizarre reason I'm finding that image highly amusing...but I'm stuck in a very cold house with three sick kids so my perceptions might be a bit off today. Toodles! :)

Posted by: Amy-GO at November 17, 2005 11:58 AM

I have my own irrational fear - snakes. Ducky is much like Mr. Husband, except the eyes have nothing to do with it - he just has an irrational fear of spiders. Ergo, I dispatch the spiders for him, he runs over the snakes with a lawn mower for me, then complains because I let the spider go out of doors and didn't kill it. Btw I didn't ask him to kill the snake, just move it away from my area.

Posted by: Cele at November 17, 2005 12:19 PM

I hate spiders... gross. They are very creepy... and gross.

Posted by: Mary Jo at November 17, 2005 12:37 PM

I like spiders- it's my husband who wakes me up WELL BEFORE sunrise in an Annie Hall hysteria about a spider in the bathtub. Yeesh. I am not a morning person and I usually mutter several things that he could do about the spider and I could do to find a husband with the good sense to let me sleep? But, I digress, we usually work the team thing pretty well, too. What is it about boys and spiders?

Posted by: chris at November 17, 2005 12:45 PM

Mr. Husband is absolutely, totally, COMPLETELY right on this issue. Seriously.

Posted by: DebR at November 17, 2005 1:01 PM

It's just wrong and unnatural. You need two eyes to gain depth perception. Additional eyes gain you nothing.

And what is worse, is that they are not layed out in any kind of logical pattern. They just seem be sprinkled over their head like jimmies.

Eight legs is odd, but if I can accept six it's not much of a leap to get to eight. More than two eyes, though, belongs in an HP Lovecraft story, not my house.

Posted by: Mr. Husband at November 17, 2005 1:30 PM

Thanks for the new ammunition for my own irrational fear of *eeek* s.p.i.d.e.r.s. A scientific argument is much better than my standard "they're icky" line...

Posted by: Skovbo at November 17, 2005 2:47 PM

It's in his genes. His dad absolutely HATED spiders!

Posted by: Jane at November 17, 2005 6:38 PM

Spiders are not so much a thing for me. Centipedes, earwigs, and MAGGOTS, however.... Also horseshoe crabs. Ew ew ew ew ew.

Posted by: Cornelia Read at November 17, 2005 7:13 PM

Anything with more than 6 legs creeps me out, the eyes have nothing to do with it, I can't see them staring at me.

Posted by: Kitty at November 18, 2005 6:19 AM

Amen, Mr. Husband. Amen. Your mental illness number is clearly in an acceptably low range.

Posted by: Angela at November 18, 2005 8:22 AM

For me, it's the legs. Anything more than four = WRONG. EIGHT? Is wrong. And right now we have a gigantic spider living in the walkway to our apartment. It lives on one of the lights, and it's so big and joint-y and meaty that we've named it Aragog.

Posted by: Aimee at November 18, 2005 10:24 AM

And yet, I understand him just fine. Too many eyes. But more importantly and grossly, too many legs. WHAT is cute about ANY spider? You're just...eeewwww! Don't be including no "cute" spiders in future works, ya hear, missy?

Posted by: *AGK* at November 18, 2005 4:26 PM

Strangely coincidental to happen upon this today. I've been quite a long-time lurker and have to post the below, a link to my own post about spiders from a few days ago. David Quammen, a spectacular essayist, says that anything with over six legs and two eyes is just wrong (whole quote within my post).

I happen to agree with him. *shudders*

Posted by: jess at November 18, 2005 9:07 PM

Oh, and Holly? Was that Many Waters? I seem to remember that quote, too, and for some reason that book springs to mind.

(If so, that book has popped up in more conversations lately... I really need to re-read it, I think.)

Posted by: jess at November 18, 2005 9:09 PM

Scallops! Scallops have lots and lots of eyes, all around their outsides.

(Squids have two eyes, except injured squids who have had an eye poked out.)

Posted by: Laura at November 19, 2005 8:24 AM

Bugs is bugs. Don't be telling me about arachnids. They bugs. Sick and wrong, sick and wrong. Them bugs.

Posted by: Jilly at November 19, 2005 12:20 PM

Ew! My whole body is shuddering from the thoughts.

Posted by: Angie at November 19, 2005 5:19 PM

Spiders are awesome. Cockroaches, now, they're disgusting. Ick.

Posted by: Michele at November 20, 2005 8:35 AM

"They just seem be sprinkled over their head like jimmies."


Posted by: Mir at November 20, 2005 9:55 AM

We have a big spider living under our couch. Everytime I try to catch the darn thing (well, really when my hubby or son tries to) it scurries under the couch. I think it's living with our runaway hermit crab. I keep expecting to see some strange hybrid children.

Posted by: Laura at November 21, 2005 10:00 AM