November 5, 2005

High Math

The following blog entry is based on an algebraic formula where A) = Things I Am Giving Up / Losing, and B) = What I Am Replacing The Thing With, with an optional section C) where C) = an explanation of why or how and possibly a report on how it's working so far, and an even more optional section D, where D = any vital digressions.

A) Wine
B) La Croix Sparkling Orange Water
C) Calories. Wine has, in industry terms, "a buttload." And La Croix water has NONE and also no artificial sweeteners. See, I have a SECRET WEIGHT---no I won't tell you the number. I doubt I would tell it under torture. In math terms, the number can be symbolized by X, where X = "the most I can weigh and not die." I have been ONE to FOUR pounds OVER X ever since the CRUISE. I am currently 3 pounds OVER X, and therefore clinically dead, if not of distress, then of "being unable to breath once my jeans are zipped." AND SO. Even though I have publicly on this blog set out to be virtuous ONE HUNDRED MILLION TIMES since the cruise was over, and have succeeded only in losing and gaining the same 3 pounds over and over so that I NEVER get under X and have to pretend to forget I already BLOGGED how I was instituting VIRTUE and institute it all OVER again like you have just FORGOTTEN I already did that a week ago and have since eaten my secret body weight in candy corns. NO MORE entries called "____ Days of Virtue." NOW, I am going to try making a few KEY replacements in what I ingest, and otherwise eating what I like. So, G'bye wine. How is it working so far, you ask? Well. I LOVE La Croix Sparkling Orange Water, and so FAR I am sticking to it, but I have to say, as a replacement for wine, La Croix kinda SUCKS. Would it ruin the whole POINT if I mixed the LaCroix with a great big bunch of vodka?

A) Chocolate
B) Viactive Chocolate Calcium Chews and Viactive Milk Chocolate Chewable Vitamins.
C) See above. Viactive Chocolate calcium chews taste just like chocolate caramels. BIG THUMBS UP. Viative Chocolate Vitamin chews taste JUST LIKE chocolate caramels if you hid a ball of candle tallow and a Flinstones Children's Chewable in the middle. Still, any chocolate port in a storm. What's a little tallow between me and getting some sugar?
D) Viactive also makes TROPICAL FRUIT CHEW vitamins which taste JUST LIKE a starburst with ball of candle tallow and a Flinstone's Children Chewable hidden in the middle. It is a BAD idea. I will ignore tallow for chocolate. Nothing else.

A) Candy
B) Tums (Tropical Fruit Flavor, especially coconut and banana!)
C) See Above.
D) I like the whole idea of replacing CANDY with SWEET medicines I don't actually need. If I get desperate, I can walk around sniffling theatrically until someone says it sounds like I am getting a cold, and then I can go suck on a frozen Dimatapp spoon.

A) Poetry Refrigerator Magnets
B) Diagnostic Refrigerator Magnets
D) I don't like much poetry (rest assured, Dearest Emily, there ARE exceptions. O! How there are exceptions, my lovely yet hideously disturbing Sheep Child!) magnetic or otherwise, and people who (unlike me) DRINK CALORIE LADEN ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES keep coming over and making my fridge say dirty things, no matter HOW MANY suspect words I remove from the set.

A) Normal Human Relationships
B) Playing Online Games Until 2 AM
C) I am not fit to be around people now that I am mentally ill AND sober AND off chocolate and candy. I think it is entirely possible that if I saw someone with a Halloween Mini-Twix, I would kill them and take it. ALSO, an old friend is step-by-step ruthlessly and obliviously sabotaging every facet of her life while blaming God and every other person around her and pets and aliens and the twitchy, infected mucus membranes of the three fates and ill winds and coincidence. It's like watching someone STAMP on a posy and then they look mildly surprised and hurt and say, "Oh, why did that posy get under my shoe?" And when you say, "Um, Posies can't GET UNDER things. Posies have NO FEET," they say, "Oh hrm you are right. It was MY SHOE! OH my shoe is terrible! As soon as I get home I am burning up this shoe!" Only it isn't a posy, it's her whole life. HEY. I HAVE BEEN THERE. I spent half my twenties deliberately stamping my own posy into JAM, and no one could stop me. And I hate feeling powerless, so my best solution is to take a stuffed bear and some diet soda under the sofa and not come out to answer the phone for six months. If I also ignore the doorbnell and order my groceries in, I can avoid all my local friends, and indeed, my family can't even fit under the sofa with me, not while I am 3 pounds over the most I can weigh and not die, anyway. The total lack of human interaction will be phase two in getting my fridge to not have dirty poems on it, and with the help of the magnet substitution above, this will allow my fridge to evolve into a tool that could lead to a clean bill of mental health. Or help me develop a working vocabulary for my impending Munchausens!

A) My Sanity
B) Algebraic Formulas

Posted by joshilyn at November 5, 2005 9:31 AM

Brilliant post. Trying to give everything up at once is kinda like plucking all the hairs out of your head one at a time. You can do it, sure, but to what end?

Good luck! May the three pounds of doom soon be shed so you can get back to your old self again.

Posted by: Michele at November 5, 2005 10:52 AM

Oh. My. I think you'd better re-think the wine, Tulip!

Posted by: Amy-GO at November 5, 2005 11:13 AM

*smooches* Just make sure there isn't any "some lizard" under the couch before you hunker down, please.

Posted by: Mir at November 5, 2005 11:21 AM

Good plan. Incomprehensible, but good. You might consider adding "learn to drive a camel train" to your list, since you're making the effort to do everything at once anyway.

It could be very inspiring. Camels hate wine.

Posted by: Jilly at November 5, 2005 2:22 PM

Um. I just, I swear, JUST bought you a bag of dark chocolate M&Ms. But I guess I won't tell you that now.
Let me know when the coast is clear for chocolate again.

Posted by: Kira at November 5, 2005 2:28 PM

I was going to mention that I am still battling my cruise poundage but I got distracted by Kira's comment.


Posted by: Angel at November 5, 2005 3:49 PM

So, now I am hurt. You don't like poetry???

Posted by: Daniel Barkowitz at November 5, 2005 11:42 PM

Ah, but there is an added benefit to Tums - calcium! Therefore, feast my dear, feast. And tell everyone you are fighting osteoporosis (I'm probably missing o's and e's in that word.)

I fear virtue is too far out of my reach...just ask my two zip code butt.

Posted by: Cele at November 6, 2005 1:51 AM

I can so relate to the last one, about your friend.

Posted by: Heather at November 6, 2005 4:29 PM

Two. Words.
Skinny Cow Ice Cream Sandwiches.
(You do your math, I'll do mine) It saved me from blowing the diet. I have one a day.

Posted by: lissa at November 8, 2005 6:10 PM