November 4, 2005

In Which I Fool Myself Into Thinking My Life Is Organized By Making Everything Into A List

Things I need to do TODAY

1) Find all the lost keys. I suspect a CITY of of lost keys is forming itself somewhere in my house, maybe under the sofa, no doubt setting up a shiny key-centric form of evil government that oppresses the dust camels for not being metal and toothy, and this must be STOPPED. Also, my keys are on a kilt pen that my friend Angie gave me sophomore year of high school, and I want my kilt pen back. I am not terribly sentimental about items, but I have had that thing for YEARS and I miss it, in the same way you might miss somethign vestigial, but still a piece of you. Like an appendix. EVEN THOUGH the kilt pen is LONG and so when I drive my car, sometimes my dangling keys BRUSH my thigh in a syncophantic and repulsive way that doesn't bother me AT ALL when my mental illness number is under 70, but, my mental illness number hasn;t seen the underside of 70 in SO long, I doubt it would recognize 70 if 70 came up and BIT my mental illness number, which, actually, it's more likely to be my mental illness number doing the biting because it is highhighhighhighhigh, so anyway, it is INSANE to want the keys back on that kilt pen when the kilt pen thigh brushing is probably enough to send me marching into the sea like a whole herd of mentally ill lemmings who have gone off their meds.

2) Get a working Chapter 2.
What I have: 8,500 words. Some in first person. Some in third. Some in present tense. Some in past. Some that presuppose one chapter end. Some that presuppose an entirely different end for the chapter, and indeed for a huge portion of the whole book.
What I need: 3500 words all in the same tense, person, and gee, VOICE, that all is workiing toward the SAME end because--and this is just a GUESS HERE--- I don't think my editor is looking for a grown-up Choose Your Own Adventure Book. ALSO? It would be a BIG BONUS if the Chapter was actually, you know, GOOD, but, hey it's early. I don't require that TODAY. But moving TOWARD good, that's what we want.

3) All the usual. Lose five pounds. Be a better person. (which is almost the same thing, REALLY) Get mentally healthy. Make good choices. Save the rain forests. Clean the kitchen.

Things I Said Yesterday that I Wish I Could Take Back

1) What's that little metal piece sticking off there? It looks dangerous jutting out like that. I don't think it's supposed to do that. I'm going to pull that off... *crash*

Conversations About What We Will All Die Of That I have Had in The Last Three Days.

1) Me: Are we all going to die of bird flu?
Him: No.
Me: They said on the TV that there is going to be a bird flu pandemic and we will all die. 89% of healthy children die when they get bird flu. Are my children going to get bird flu and die?
Him: No.
Him: Scientists can posit that there will a pandemic, but there is no telling if it will be bird flu or some other flu.
Me: SO...basically you are saying that we ARE all going to die, just of maybe cow flu or some another flu we don't yet or MAYBE bird flu, but probably not bird flu. Just some flu down the line in a few years BOOM, and we all die.
Him: Right. But there's no way that they can predict it will be BIRD flu.
Me: I feel SO much better.

Her: You are not going to get bird flu.
Me: Yes I am. And you are too. We are going to die of freaking bird flu and I will never get this book done to deadline if I am DEAD OF BIRD FLU.
Her: How did the family get it?
Me: Let me look...Oh. Says from eating Raw Duck Blood Pudding.
Her: And how much Raw Duck Blood Pudding are YOU serving this evening?
Me: Just a little. As a SIDE dish, you understand. We're all just going to have a TASTE.
Her: Well, see, you will probably be fine then.
Me: I feel SO much better.
Her: Which means you have to go get the book done.
Me: Shut. Up.

3) Me: Is a catcgory 7 hurricane going to come kill us all?
Him: No. And there is no such thing as a cat 7.
Him: That is made up. A Movie of the week.
Me: BUT IT COULD HAPPEN, I mean, if storms got so big they were BEYOND 5, like TWO beyond 5, then it would be a cat 7.
Him: Oooooooookay.
Me: And look at this storm season! We are into the GREEK ALPHABET because we had TOO MANY HURRICANES for the regular letters to HANDLE! We are all going to die of a catagory 7 AREN'T WE!!!!
Him: We will have been dead of bird flu for YEARS before THAT happens.
Me: I feel SO much better.

Posted by joshilyn at November 4, 2005 9:54 AM

*Gasp* *choke* Now I'M dying...because I can't breathe, I'm laughing so hard...

Posted by: Amy-GO at November 4, 2005 10:03 AM

Just to look on the, er, "bright side" here, if you all DO die of bird flu and it is ALL OF YOU then you're still together and can see the rest of us paving the way to hades for you (and saving some spanking fire boots for you).
Just a thought...

Posted by: Chris at November 4, 2005 10:22 AM

I feel very strongly that it is sick and wrong that I find your high-mental-illness-number blogs funnier than almost anything else on this planet. Should I be laughing at your high mental illness number? I don't think I should. I fear I'm a bad person. But...

Posted by: Aimee at November 4, 2005 10:37 AM

I fear what will happen in the world when she gets anxiety.

Joss please go get your flu shot and a case of Peanut Butter M & Ms. Take three a day, you will be fine. Just ask Maisy and Sam, M & Ms can cure everything.

Posted by: Cele at November 4, 2005 11:21 AM

Cele is on the right track. However, it is dark chocolate which boosts your immune system, thereby warding off bird flu and, for all I know, category 7 hurricanes. Much dark chocolate (preferably 75% cocoa solids, minimum) -- which, by the way is also a legal mood enhancer, and therefore probably tax deductable as a legitimate business expense for a writer heading into Chapter 2.

Posted by: rams at November 4, 2005 11:48 AM

I am so glad that the whapping-oneself-in-the-face-with-a-tire-iron discussion was (so it would seem) one of the more NORMAL conversations you had yesterday.

Posted by: Mir at November 4, 2005 12:29 PM

Well, it appears the ginourmous lizard made it out from under the sofa just in the nick of time, wouldn't you say?

Posted by: David at November 4, 2005 1:20 PM

I'm on the bird-flu freak wagon, since I've made a morbid study of the 1918 pandemic for years. If I find any black market Tamoxi-drug stuff, I will send you half.

More worried about '70s Movie of the Week plagues like killer bees and getting fried when Right-Guard aerosol overuse nixes the ozone layer than about nouveau paranoid fantasies concerning Category 7 what-have-you, though. Not to mention "Earthquake," complete with Sense-Uround Magic Fingers thingies making the movie seats shiver. Being in California and all.

Posted by: Cornelia Read at November 4, 2005 7:06 PM

Personally, I'm going to die shortly of Having-A-Senior-In-High-School-Syndrome, which is way more painful than bird flu, being systemic and all. Also, HASIHS Syndrome has all this head-banging. Whole families are dying.

Posted by: Jilly at November 4, 2005 8:31 PM

Nooooooo Don't get the flu shot! Then you'll have to worry about the Thimerosal in the vaccine!

Oh... maybe I shouldn't have mentioned that...

Posted by: Martha O'Connor at November 4, 2005 9:14 PM

It's in the nasal spray flu vaccine too, Martha.


Posted by: Cornelia Read at November 4, 2005 9:19 PM

Not to worry dear. I've been hoarding Tamiflu and will share with all of my dearest friends.

Posted by: poopie at November 4, 2005 9:54 PM

Hey There,

Sounds like you fell into that diversion that W has been trying to afflict on scaring the nation whilst skirting the real issues of bringing down the country. Huge new fan of the book bytheway, Cheers for the Recommend Martha

Posted by: Bookseller to the Stars at November 5, 2005 6:09 AM


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