October 26, 2005

Snap, Crackle, Pop, Nice Neurons

If you read comments, you know Cornelia Read, right? She also writes for Warner, and her first novel, A FIELD OF DARKNESS is coming out next summer, and LORDY but it is good. SO anyway, for no reason, I have taken to calling her "Paris Hilton." Yes, to her face. She calls me Nic. It has been going on for so long now, I think I may have to go blonde. It has been going on for SO long now, I think Cornelia and I should get our own show. WE NEED TO HAVE A SHOW. It would have segments about books and segments about newts, and segments about stalking Joss Whedon that would lead to us having a puppet sidekick named "Mr. Eel" who would be made out of one of Joss Whedon's used tube socks.

And now YOU say, "Joshilyn, you are avoiding work by nattering on about Paris Hilton and socks and having a show. GO! Write Chapter 4."

And I do not answer, because I am sure I do not know what you are talking about....

ANYWAY I told Paris about my shameful behavior with the boots and the multiple BEERS (I don't even LIKE beers!!!) at the Myrtle Beach Writer's Conference, and SHE asked Lee Child (who was there drinking a suspiciously clear liquid out of an icy rocks glass) if I did any table top dancing or woke up in the sand with a mime and several trained dogs resting their heads on me as if I were a pillow or whatnot, and LEE CHILD, who is an internationally best selling author, BY THE WAY, said I behaved like a PERFECT LADY. Mostly. So, are you going to DISPUTE LEE CHILD'S GOOD WORD? No, of course not. Therefore, wipe away everything I told you about Myrtle Beach. I mostly sipped tea, pinky extended, and talked about my charitable works with The D.A.R..

And anyway, why are you bringing this back up? CAN YOU NOT SEE THAT I AM TRYING TO WRITE A BOOK HERE---I know it LOOKS like I am lying on my sofa in my work out togs (having not yet worked out) hooking back halloween Mini-Twixes and watching game show network, but NO! I AM A WRITING A BOOK. Secretly. In my head.

Also, I need a baby. Yesterday my baby said UTERUS and that makes her officially not a baby anymore. It happened in this way... She said, "God made me?" And I said, "Yup." And she said, "How did he make me?" And I said, "Mommies have a special place in their belly, called a uterus, and that's where babies grow. And I grew you in there, until you were all ready to come out and be Maisy, and then we went to the doctor and got you out." And she said, "Do I have a uterus?" And I said, "Yes, you sure do, because you are a girl." And she said, "One day I will make a little tiny baby in my uterus" and I said, "Oh that will be fun, but just first finish your masters degree and marry a nice man who really likes you." And she said, "Okay," so THAT'S all settled, thank God, but then I realized she had said Uterus and therefore she cannot be a BABY anymore AND I HAVE NO BABY AT ALL. Just CHILDREN. WAH!

And now YOU try to make some sort of noise about how I currently have no time to BREATHE and do I really want to have a ba---

And I say, SHUT UP, I DO TOO need a baby. And I can totally write a book and have a new baby. In FACT, I am writing a book RIGHT NOW. I am writing a book on the INSIDE. Where it counts.

And now you should probably offer me a cookie. Or a sedative. And send me back to bed.

PS. If you are someone who shouldn't be reading this, like, say, MY EDITOR, don't panic. I am not knocked up. And I AM writing a book. I totally am. I am writing a book IN MY HEART.

May I offer you a Mini-Twix?

Posted by joshilyn at October 26, 2005 8:31 AM

Just you wait until she informs you that she will be having triplets, and then later asks you if it hurts when the babies come out, and then gets a horrified look when you say HELL YES and decides that maybe she will just get a kitten, instead.

It's even better if the brother chimes in, solemnly, "I don't think a baby would fit in my penis."

(HAHAHHAAHA I said PENIS in your comments! You could edit me, but then we would know you were busy NOT WRITING YOUR BOOK.)

Posted by: Mir at October 26, 2005 8:57 AM

I haven't been able to shake the thought you might be pregnant ever since the rant about the tomato cheese pie. And now you're talking about wanting another baby?

Either way, PLEASE do not let a possible future pregnancy put a damper on your writing the way it did for J.K. Rowling.

Posted by: Elizabeth at October 26, 2005 9:01 AM

Just delurking to let you know that I was certain that the Halloween candy of choice would be the dark chocolate M&Ms. I just bought a bag based on your recommendation, and they are lovely. (Except for the part where they made some of them gray... brings back memories of the gray armadillo groom's cake in Steel Magnolias. But, I digress...)

Love your blog!

Posted by: Mendy at October 26, 2005 9:05 AM

I have a baby I could let you have for cheap...slightly used and somewhat pukey, but cute! And he'll definitely get in the way of things like having to sit down and write...on second thought you can't have him. I'm looking forward to the next book WAY too much. ;)

Posted by: Amy-GO at October 26, 2005 9:07 AM

Maybe you should continue searching for the discount uterus on eBay so Mr. Husband can have the baby and you can eat Twix and start up the Corjoshynelian Comedy Hour and write a book. Just a thought...

Posted by: DebR at October 26, 2005 9:12 AM

We believe you about the book being written deep inside, but on the evidence I think we'd have to believe it's being written in the uterus, not the mind, the uterus being the organ of the day. Not that I would dream of telling your body what it's doing, but I think a careful textual analysis will bear me out. (unless that's the men in white coats doing the bearing out...)

Posted by: rams at October 26, 2005 9:27 AM

Somedays you leave me totally incapable of speech, and if you don't then Mir or Amy does. Today I am enjoying a great laugh at mental images that may haunt me for the rest of the day.

Once I saw Gallagher in concert and he kept shouting out oppossum uterus - what is so funny about that? I've no clue, but I hysterically laughed through the entire show and long after if I tried to relay the scene to everyone I knew (except my mom, she'd have never understood.)

Thank heavens you're a multi tasker - hense you can do all you want on a time management basis, and we still get our new books.

Posted by: Cele at October 26, 2005 11:54 AM

If only you could pull a book out of your... er, I don't really want to go there:)
She's still a baby and will be as long as you say so. My folks have been keeping it going for 32 years now!
Good luck getting book brain.

Posted by: Chris at October 26, 2005 12:11 PM

How about you and Cornelia doing a podcast...that would at least take your mind off having a baby. Well, maybe not...lol

Posted by: dee at October 26, 2005 2:16 PM

Nicolissima, my sweet, it is because Paris and Nicole are our CELEBRITY STYLE TWINS, which we know because we took the "WHO IS YOUR CELEBRITY STYLE TWIN?" quiz from the site that also told you Bill Gates is your imaginary '80s boytoy. I think. Okay, which I took first because I was so pissed about getting John Stamos for my own '80s imaginary boytoy.

Also, not to burst your bubble or anything, but the kind and talented Mr. Child did not go quite so far as to describe your overall demeanor as "ladylike," he merely commented (when I told him that my spy was perhaps not entirely reliable as she had confessed to having been "drunk as a goat" in his company), "Oh, I wouldn't say she was *that* bad."

In your defense, however, he made not a single mention of mimes, uteri, sock puppets named Mr. Eel, or trained dogs napping with their heads resting against your pristine and snowy belly while you slept off a snootful on the beach, Myrtle or otherwise.

Also, let me know if you're serious about the blonding.
I may have some peroxide left over after I do my roots.

In the meantime, my sister just called to ask me if I could think of anyone in history who "took a stand," since her daughter Sasha has to write a paper about Someone Who Took A Stand for school next week, "only not Rosa Parks, because apparently every kid in the class is doing Rosa Parks now so Sasha would like to not have it be Rosa Parks too, even though we of course totally love and worship Rosa Parks. But hemingway we just can't right-this-minute think of anyone ELSE who took a stand...."

So then she did this thoughtful pause for a beat before adding, "well, except CUSTER..."

And *that* is how the chewed ravioli ended up stuck in a splatter pattern of little bits all over my kitchen cabinets. Even though I am entirely too ladylike to eat while speaking on the phone. Even family.

kiss kiss,


p.s. If we DO ever get a show, I refuse to use "Dancing on the Ceiling" as our theme song, and I don't care if it hurts your father's feelings. He can get his own damn show.

[in real life, hey, THANK YOU for the extremely nice and funny blog mention/plug, you are great and I like you as much as I do/did Rosa Parks, even. It is especially welcome as one of my kids kept waking me up all night by climbing into my bed and laughing, and then she BARFED on me. Are you SURE you want a baby???].

Posted by: Cornelia Read at October 26, 2005 4:15 PM

Here sweetie: http://www.thinkgeek.com/tshirts/pvp/77da/

Posted by: Heather at October 26, 2005 5:09 PM

Hey, Cornelia,

These guys are taking a stand on a v.v. important issue. They would be an excellent topic for such a report. IMHO


Posted by: Martha O'Connor at October 26, 2005 6:40 PM

Have I told the story about how my sister once trick or treated at one of the Monkees' houses (re Martha's link, here--he lived at the end of our road for a while when we were kids). He hadn't realized it was Halloween, and shut the door on Freya (sister) and her buddy Gail Flood for whispered consultations with whoever else was in the house (I think this was Michael Nesmith? The one whose mother invented Liquid Paper?).

He returned about five minutes later and shoved something deep in their trick-or-treat bags, then wished them good night and shut the door again for good.

Teabags, by the way. Herbal.

Posted by: Cornelia Read at October 26, 2005 8:34 PM

HAVE a baby. Have two. Or three. Wait until you get to be my age and have already sold our uterus on ebay, and baby is going to college next year. THEN we can talk about longing for a baby, and the strange phenomenon of middle-aged women rushing up to strange young mothers and wetting our pants NOT asking if we can hold their baby since that would make them call Homeland Security.

Posted by: Jilly at October 26, 2005 11:44 PM

Heck, having a baby is an excellent addition to writing a book. In fact, having a baby will probably make you want to retreat to a nice quiet room and write, write, write. And you can sort out the character development and plotting during the night when you're awake and feeding and such. Truly, it's a very efficient plan.

And speaking of uteruses (uterI?) my daughter who is adopted from China announced one day, "Mom! I have a riddle! Where do babies come from?" "Where?" I replied, somewhat hesitant but interested to know her answer. "Va-China! Get it?" I think that was the baby-to-kid moment for me. Sigh.

Posted by: Diane at October 26, 2005 11:49 PM

So, Joss, this is going to be a book ABOUT a baby, right? After all, what would be more natural? Uh, besides childbirth that is. :-)

Posted by: David at October 27, 2005 8:12 AM

Re: Cornelia's first comments

Does anyone else get the chuckles because Rosa Parks is apparantly the finest example of someone "taking a stand", when really, she took a seat?

Yep, reason number 872 why I'll be in hell.

Posted by: Mr. Husaband at October 27, 2005 8:27 AM

Oh, Mr. Husband. I adore thee! You and Joss fit together like... ummm... too extraordinarily geeky puzzle pieces. (Shut up, I haven't had my coffee yet.)

Posted by: Mir at October 27, 2005 8:52 AM

Now Cornelia has gone and got me thinking about all the different ways one can take a stand.

Right off hand, I can think of Jackie Robinson, Martin Luther (the medieval German), MLK Jr.,Boy George, and Princess Diana. If the person can be fictional, one can say Arlene took a very sudden and drastic stand to save her cousin. Yes, I need some coffee...

Posted by: Elizabeth at October 27, 2005 10:17 AM

Dear Mr. Husband, allow me to join the Hallowed Mir in professing great respect for your fine self and that fine observation. And Dear Elizabeth, I will copy, paste, and forward your list to Our Little Sasha ASAP, which would be immediately after I, too, have more coffee.

But wait, Boy George? I'm trying to remember him taking a specific SERIOUS stand (maybe against landmines with Princess Di?), even though you could perfectly well be making a snappy musical reference/pun that I'll feel really dopey about not having gotten *right away* once I DO figure it out.

Only meanwhile my pesky under-caffeinated brain keeps eliding over possible important-stands-du-Boy-G and (this is SO embarrassing) instead cues up the intro to "Faith" by George Michaels (that churchy-Fantasia-organ-for-a-couple-of-bars that always fakes me into thinking it's going to be "Let's Go Crazy," only right when I expect Prince to intone "Dearly beloved..." it segues into "STRUM! STRUM-STRUM! STRUM-STRUM! well I guess it would be NICE" instead?)

Isn't there a word/phrase for that kind of mental bait-and-switch? Preferably something like "deja-college-youth-misspent-in-nightclubs-vu" as opposed to "disturbing-first-indicator-of-imminent-gnarly-DSM-IV-category-diagnosis type auditory hallucination"?


Posted by: Cornelia Read at October 27, 2005 12:19 PM